


Handmaid

by Camelabrakedabra



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dystopia, Breeding, Childbirth, Handmaid's Tale (Margaret Atwood) style AU, I'm not usually into writing that but it's sort of necessary for the AU, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Justified mPreg, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Death, Mpreg, Multipairing, Pregnancy, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-01-15 17:20:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 100,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12325440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Camelabrakedabra/pseuds/Camelabrakedabra
Summary: Populations were crumbling. It should have been obvious that nuclear weapons would cause so many issues with mortality and fertility in the future. In a desperate attempt to increase the number of births worldwide, scientists developed a method of developing wombs inside of teenage boys, too.It wasn't the fate that anyone wanted. It wasn't the fate that anyone asked for. But it was the fate that they were left to deal with. Until they had enough children to reach a secure world population, that was the way it was going to be; big companies would be trying to get women and carriers pregnant with the children of military staff and the highly fertile, and the Handmaids would be the leaders towards the new world.Yoon Jeonghan wasn't fond of the word 'Handmaids'. It all felt too feminine and unnatural to him. He hated the propaganda and the forced fertilisations. But it was his job, and his fertility was the only thing that was keeping him alive for now.Dystopia AU based on the world of Margaret Atwood's 'The Handmaid's Tale'





	1. Prologue

The world was crumbling around them. Death counts were exceeding birth rates, and there was a trickling decline in the collective population.

 

To start with, it was suggested that the women of the world should be gathered up to be tested for fertility in a desperate attempt to raise the number of births worldwide. It had started out as a ridiculous idea that was proposed by America, and most of the Eastern nations scoffed at the proposal. After all, they weren't all too affected by the decreased birth counts; they would simply tell their citizens that they needed to have more children and their birth rates would be back to normal in a year or two. There would be incentives, like an offering of government money and free healthcare for the child, so that everyone would be encouraged to do their bit. They had the power to get their people to do that sort of thing because they treated families with a respect that a lot of Western nations didn't. Their women were allowed time off work to take care of their newborn without fearing that they would lose their job or not be able to pay the bills, and the childcare facilities were actually good enough to encourage those who put their careers first to have families too.

 

So they continued separately. America gathered up their women for tests and encouraged other Western nations to do the same. China led the Eastern nations in giving incentives and encouraging families to have more children. In the West, they quite easily managed to get a number of women pregnant in order to get the numbers up, whereas a lot of families in the East started to consider having more children, even if they hadn't exactly wanted to in the past. It stayed that way for several years, with a heavily reduced difference between the birth rate and death count until eventually, everything came crashing down once again. 

 

It was somewhat expected that an increase in nuclear activity would result in health problems in the future, but the reality of the situation was that it occurred a lot earlier than anyone could have possibly expected. The process was gradual, so it was hard to see the overall effects until it had finally happened. What started out as a small issue ended up being something particularly significant, and by the time the experts had figured out what was happening, it was something that they weren't able to reverse. The problem with radiation and weapons of mass destruction was that it was the cause of the lowered fertility that left them in that mess in the first place, and as time went on, the problem was simply getting worse. It was to the point where producing a child simply wasn't possible for most people, and even if they did manage to start families, there was a high infant mortality rate mixed with a high chance of the children being born infertile. The world's population eventually came to be a quarter of what it was with everything that was going on; child mortality, accidental and intentional death, disease, and old age.

 

So then they were forced to take drastic measures. It had started out as something experimental, and the vast majority of scientists were certain that it wasn't going to work as planned, but it was something that they had to do in order to get where they needed. If women couldn't carry children, they would find a way to make men carry as well. It would help to account for infertility in women around the world, and they would figure out a non-invasive procedure to essentially get teenage boys to grow a womb as their bodies were developing during puberty. The aim was to make it grow gradually over the space of a few years so that when they were of the age of majority, they would be able to step up and start producing children, too. Aside from the men who wanted to be a part of the military in the future and the ones with particularly high fertility who could help to produce the children with the ones who would carry, every boy would get the injection and would be able to carry children for the future of their country. In theory, it sounded like the perfect idea to combat infertility.

 

In practice, not so much. They were desperate to get it up and running, and so they ended up spending a lot of time trying to produce a serum that would encourage the development of female sex organs in male hosts. To start with, they couldn't get it working anywhere near as quickly as they wanted it to, and so they ended up getting the wombs of recently deceased women in order to try transplants. It was a procedure that was first tested in China, whilst the West was desperately trying to get the serum method working well enough to completely grow a new organ. Several teenaged boys were taken in for surgery, the womb was sewn into their body so that it was attached to their rectum via a thin tube, just above their prostate. It was too small of a tube for them to be able to fit something in and was covered with a very thin flap of skin so that they wouldn't accidentally get bacteria going into the tube as normal bodily functions occurred.

 

As expected, it flopped completely. For some, their bodies simply destroyed the organ. For others, their body completely shut down as a result of something so invasive. Some had ended up with severe stomach pains as a result of the surgery, and the ones who had tried to have children found that their bodies simply weren't taking to the new organ quite as well as they had hoped. Either they had miscarried within days or there was no way of fertilisation occurring, but it certainly wasn't going as planned. Of course, though, that wasn't the end of that idea. Until there was a medical progression that allowed the organic development of a womb inside the bodies of fertile males, they weren't prepared to toss away the idea of implants.

 

The next idea was something that they were certain would work. They would fertilise the womb artificially. Either they would fertilise the womb before it was implanted, or they would fertilise it when the organ was inside the body, and then hopefully that would show some form of development. If they could produce children like that, it would be a starting point at the very least and they would be able to slow the rapid decline in population at least temporarily until the organs started to grow on their own. It wasn't the ideal situation, but China was certain that they had found the method that would give more time for scientists to get the serum perfected, and it would be something that they could distribute worldwide to do their bit.

 

Of course, that plan hadn't worked out too well either. In theory, it could have been amazing. They could have managed to get a few babies out over a few years and at least had a small breakthrough even if it wasn't going to be the largely accepted method of upping the world population once again. The first method, fertilising the womb first, didn't work at all, frankly. They hadn't quite thought it through so much since the body didn't have enough time to be able to adjust to the organ and so the foetus' body was starved of oxygen as the body was stuck between trying to encourage life and rejecting the organ. It hadn't taken too long before the host miscarried and it was concluded that that method certainly wouldn't work on a longer-term basis. Although they could try to match up blood types, it was too risky to put the host on a medication to prevent the rejection of organ when they were carrying a child, so they had to simply drop that idea and move on.

 

Then there was the fertilisation after the womb was well established in the body. They were certain that that was going to be much better and it was going to work out well, and they were absolutely correct. The body had enough time to adjust to the womb, and then when the foetus was implanted, it seemed to grow relatively well. Oxygen levels were decent, the blood flow to the foetus was good, it was getting rid of its own waste with little problem, and it finally seemed as if they had the medical breakthrough that they needed. The new parent was absolutely relieved that he was able to carry a child and do his bit for the future of humankind. He had put in special effort to look after his body so that the baby could grow up well, and he was certain that it was going to work out perfectly well.

 

Yet, that had essentially cursed it and naturally, it couldn't run perfectly smooth all the way through.

 

No, the plan had completely crashed and burned. There came a point where the host's organs were being crushed under the weight of the baby, and whilst women's bodies would have adapted to that, his body certainly wasn't adapting in the slightest. His body had gone into a panic; the compression of his lungs had left his body in a constant state of panic, his stomach was so compressed that his body was constantly telling him that he was stuffed and any more food would make him sick, his small intestine was so crushed that it wasn't taking in any nutrients whatsoever. His body had essentially stopped functioning, leaving him in a constant state of malnourishment and anxiety. He was having to be force-fed by his live-in midwife since he couldn't bring himself to eat anything at all, and in the end, he was having to get daily shots of vitamins in hopes that it would help to improve his health. Blood tests showed that his cortisol levels were at a record high, and by the time he hit twenty-eight weeks, he was hospitalised as a result of everything that was happening in his body.

 

He had ended up passing away in the hospital and as much as they tried to save the baby, it hadn't survived either. The malnourishment certainly hadn't helped but then there were a number of different problems that had arisen during the course of the pregnancy, too. His body didn't actually take to the pregnancy as well as they thought it had, since they had found damage from several occasions in which the foetus was starved of oxygen for a few minutes at a time, and there were nowhere near enough nutrients in his bloodstream to support both himself and a child. It was an embarrassment; they had spent weeks bragging about how their idea was the future, but then it had completely fallen through again and had landed them back in square one again.

 

In the end, they had begrudgingly resorted to simply following the Western world by trying to force pregnancies, as much as they were heavily against the idea and didn't think that it was right to do so. Those who birthed multiple children at a time were rewarded for it and those who were seemingly infertile were given free fertility treatment in hopes that they would be able to carry at least one or two children. It really wasn't ideal, but it was the only thing they could do until there was finally a way of encouraging the organs to naturally grow inside of a body that didn't have that sort of organ developing from birth.

 

It had ended up taking a good few years for the serum to be developed and working properly. There had been a number of different clinical trials in order to ensure that it was the best that it could possibly be, and there was absolute relief when someone who had an artificially grown womb was able to not only conceive but also birth a healthy, living child. There was worldwide amazement as a result, and when they were certain that the serum would work perfectly, they made sure to distribute it around the world. For once, there was no need to try to hide the method of developing the serum, since the future of humanity was depending on it completely. The instructions on how to make it were distributed too, and from that point, it became widely accepted that they could inject the people who were eligible for that sort of treatment, and then after five years, they would be able to carry children.

 

The serum worked by injecting a very small womb and ovaries where the organs would usually be in a female's body, just as the host was about to hit puberty. They were spliced with a rapid growth hormone, which had been artificially developed, and then the host's body would realise that the organ was floating around and would develop pathways to attach it to the nearest entrance to the body. It had just so happened that the organ naturally attached to the rectum, just above the prostate, much like the original implants had done. They were incredibly lucky that their alterations had left the host's body wanting to find a reasonable method of actually producing children once the organs were present, and so it hadn't unnecessarily latched to their bladder or stomach instead. From there, the body had produced that flap of skin that would make fertilisation possible, without any contamination or interference from the intestines. With the help of a few shots of oestrogen during pregnancy, the body would easily adjust to the growth of the baby, and then when it was time to give birth, the attaching tube would expand in order to allow a natural birth without suffocating the baby in the process.

 

It was the scientific breakthrough of the century, and it was going to be the future of humanity. Years of trying to figure out a way to make a male host carry children had finally paid off. Young boys were being prepared to be parents just the same as young girls were; schools were required to give education on that sort of thing and big it up so that it made it seem as if it was the best thing a person could do for their country. They would be tested on the day of their thirteenth birthday and would get to see what their fate was right there and then; the ones who could carry children would get their implant straight away, the boys who were already fertile would be given the opportunity to help fertilise as many women and carriers as possible, those from military families would be sent off to start training right away, and then the people who were ineligible for all three would have special roles to fill, which weren't to be advertised in schools. They were special, after all, and the governing bodies couldn't have everyone trying to make themselves infertile so that they could get one of those additional roles.

 

It was essentially propaganda, but it worked. There was a gradual increase in the number of births worldwide as the implants began to develop inside of the teenage boys, and then they were sent straight to work in repopulating the earth. Over time, they were monitored in order to ensure that the progress of developing the new organ was going as smoothly as everyone hoped for, and both governing and medical bodies were relieved to see the sudden spike in improvement now that the new plan was in action and they had the maximum number of people producing offspring.

 

Of course, there were some pressures involved, though.

 

Although the job was hyped up to be something amazing, there was some reluctance from a number of young boys who didn't want to carry babies. It was girly, they said, and they couldn't do everything that they wanted to do from that point onwards. They had to stay at home with their baby, rather than being able to go out with friends, and so a lot of boys really weren't that fond of the idea of starting families. There were ways to sort that, though, and so they were made to produce children from the age of eighteen upwards, with the promise that their newborn would be sent to a good, loving family who wanted to raise a baby together. They would be a couple who would be unable to have a child of their own; an infertile wife, someone who was too old for fertility treatment to work, or an individual who didn't take to the implant too well. They would be wealthy enough to be able to fully support having a child, and they would be able to give everything that the birth mother would be unable to provide for them.

 

That was the new world. One in which fertility levels were manufactured in order to get the world population up to the ridiculous peaks that it once hit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've wanted to do this sort of AU for a long, long time. It started out as a sort of parody in a way, but now it's more like mixing worlds together. Now that my sister is reading the book, too, I have someone to finally go through the idea with, so it's ended up happening.
> 
> I really need to stop and finish the works I've already started, but it's my next big project now that Acronym is over. I've missed having something big to work on, and as a fun little fact to start this fanfic out with, the word count is going to be another one of those "highly specific" ones, although I'm not going to say until it gets to that point. If you're super smart, you might be able to work it out before the final chapter, but don't worry if you can't. It's a bit of an awkward number really but I couldn't think of anymore doable chapters to make a more rounded number.
> 
> I can't promise to be really regular with updates, but I'm gonna try really hard with this one since it's taken forever to come up wiht a solid plot plan and I really needed something like that before I could post it. It'll be really long but hopefully if I can get all of my coursework out of the way early, we can get cracking and whip this one out too. Also, I don't know if anyone else can see it, but I feel like over time, my writing has matured a lot over the past ten months, so hopefully it's the right time to do something like this one.
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	2. Consultation

Yoon Jeonghan's parents were particularly supportive of the Handmaid regime.

They probably didn't know what it was about, looking back on the whole situation, but they certainly wanted their only son to do his bit for the world. Of course, his older sister was put straight into the system, too, but it was a lot easier since she was born a girl. Jeonghan, on the other hand, was faced with additional pressures on top of what she had had. His parents had insisted that he didn't have to go through with the medical procedures if he didn't want to do so, since they were intense and incredibly invasive, but at the same time, he could always tell that they wanted him to be able to make their family proud. He had seen the disappointment on their faces when his nine-year-old self admitted to them that his top three career choices were a midwife, a nurse and a farmer. That alone was enough to prompt him to mumble out a comment about how he could be a mother too, and suddenly there was a look of relief shared between them. It was the career choice that they had always wanted him to have, and although he didn't really understand why that was, he simply accepted it as it was.

So he was raised specifically to be a Handmaid. His teacher had been incredibly excited when she found out that he was already thinking about becoming a Handmaid before it was officially announced to their class, and she even called on him to explain it to his peers when that lesson finally came up. They were all coming up to their twelfth birthdays at the time, so it was the perfect opportunity to encourage that sort of thing, but Jeonghan already knew everything there was to know about Handmaids. Not only had he searched it all up in books, but his parents had spent time teaching him as much as they could find out about it. It would be scary for him to have to live away from home when his implant was fully grown, but then again it would be a great experience for him. Jeonghan made sure to advertise everything that he could to the class, making sure to point out to them what the additional benefits of being a Handmaid were; they would always have a home to live in and would always have food to eat, they could rest well at night knowing that their children would be brought up by a rich family who could provide them with everything that they wanted, and then when they managed to have ten or more children, they would be able to retire and marry one of the men from the military. That would make them one of the Wives and they would get their own Handmaid in order to provide them with children so that they wouldn't have to put their body through the stress of carrying another few babies.

Jeonghan swelled with pride when he found out a few weeks later that his description of being a Handmaid had sparked a lot of interest in his class. A number of boys were already excited to be able to get the implant and carry the next generation of children, and there was only a handful who still wanted other careers. It was something that had ultimately earned him a lot of praise for his teacher, who insisted that she couldn't have possibly said it any better herself, and he ended up getting an award to take home and show his parents as a result of his work to recruit his classmates like that. It was something that Jeonghan remained incredibly proud of all the way up to his thirteenth birthday, when he was taken through to the local hospital for his initial implant consultation.

That was where the excitement stopped completely. Jeonghan was absolutely terrified, if he was being completely honest, and he absolutely hated the thought of having to go into the hospital on his own. It was supposed to be a sign of maturity, but at the same time, he really didn't want to have to grow up significantly in the space of a day.

Being in the hospital was incredibly unusual and Jeonghan ended up spending a lot of time considering whether he was comfortable with it or not. To start out with, he certainly wasn't all that comfortable; he had to walk through an empty hallway with his referral letter in a shaky hand as he made his way towards the main reception. It was horribly quiet and gloomy-looking. There were no colours on the walls, no posters or signs to make it look any friendlier, and that remained the same even as he reached the reception area and made his way towards the lady at the desk. She was rather scary too, although Jeonghan tried his hardest not to make his fear obvious, and for a moment he considered running and pretending that he had accidentally stumbled across the wrong building, but then--

"Can I help you?"

\-- she spoke to him. He could no longer flee, and so simply had to shuffle towards the desk with hopes that his voice wouldn't be shaky as he tried to speak.

"I-I have an appointment," he announced as he placed the letter on the desk and slid it across to her, and suddenly the woman's expression softened completely. There was a strange mix of warmth and sadness in her eyes, as if she was trying to treat him gently now but she was bothered by the fact that he was there for that specific type of appointment.

"It's just through the door here and straight down to the end, sweetheart. It's a huge waiting room with nice things to occupy yourself whilst you wait for them to call you through," she told him as she slid the letter back to him, "Don't be scared; our nurses are very nice and will look after you well."

If there was anything that Jeonghan learnt over his life to that point, it was that starting an anxiety-inducing comment with the word "don't" only made things worse. It left him to focus on the second part, and that certainly did leave him feeling scared. Yet, there was nothing he could really do about it now that he had gotten that far, and so he was left to give a little nod and start on his way through the doors. He could feel his heart already starting to rise up into his throat as he walked, and suddenly he had grown to be sensitive to every little sound in the hallway; the sound of the reception doors swinging shut behind him, the tap of his shoes on the tiled floor, the sound of every breath he took, and then finally the squeak of the door at the end of the hallway when he finally arrived at his destination.

That was where everything changed. The hospital was no longer grey and medical-looking; there was colour splashed around everywhere, toys and posters dotted around, and a few boys dotted around here and there. It looked like the children's wards that he'd seen in old photos from before the new world came under development, and it was strangely inviting now that it was clearly a more relaxed environment. He took a moment to look around before going over to the desk, and this time he was faced with the smiling face of a much older lady. "Could I take your name please, dear?" she asked as she peered over the desk at him. Jeonghan gave her his name without hesitation and she informed him that he was signed in, before asking him to take a seat. He was welcome to play for a while to calm his nerves, and she pointed out that she highly recommended doing so even if it did seem a bit childish.

Jeonghan chose to colour for a while instead. There was a colouring book on one of the tables with a line drawing of an angel, and so he snatched it up and began to draw intricate designs on her dress. It was something that he found soothing, and it managed to completely distract him for around fifteen minutes until he was finally called in for his consultation.

Of course, his nerves started to take over again as soon as he was called in, even though the nurse seemed to be nice too. He even chatted with him when they were walking together, making sure to ask him all sorts of information about himself before taking him through to a little room. Much like the waiting area, this room was colourful and visually exciting. He assumed that it was another attempt to calm younger or more nervous boys down, and again, he didn't really mind that it was rather childish. It did make him feel a bit better about being there, so he could hardly complain about it really.

The doctor was quick to introduce himself once Jeonghan was seated comfortably, and then offered him some juice and a biscuit. He accepted the drink, having been hit by the sudden realisation that his throat was getting to be dry already, but decided against the biscuits. They were on the table at any point, he was informed, and if it was an issue of him simply not liking those sorts, they could always get different ones. It was all about him today, not only because it was his birthday but because he was going to have an important role in increasing birth rates in their country. He was doing his bit, and he was going to be loved by a lot of people by the time he reached his retirement. As expected, the doctor began to run through all of the important information with him, about how it all worked and what he was expected to do, before asking him if he had had his fertility test yet. Jeonghan told him that he had sent it off to be tested a few days earlier, and so the doctor began to look through the records in order to find out what the results were for him.

The wait whilst the doctor searched through his records was almost unbearable. Jeonghan could feel sweat starting to prickle on the back of his neck as he sat in silence, watching the doctor scrolling through his medical records. After what felt like forever, he turned back to Jeonghan with a smile plastered on his face before telling him that he was a 'seventy-three', then promptly asked him if he understood what that meant. Jeonghan shook his head very slowly, not knowing whether he actually wanted to know now, but the doctor quickly informed him that it was something good before he got too nervous about it. "Basically, we have a rating scale for fertility between zero and one hundred. Anything below twenty-five is considered to be infertile, so those individuals have to become Aunts, Guardians, doctors, nurses, shop owners, Marthas, or any other domestic job. Twenty-six to seventy-five is the optimal range for Handmaids, although we do monitor the lower scores a lot more and may move them down if we feel that that is necessary. Seventy-six and upwards is considered to be highly fertile, so those individuals go on to be commanders and higher in the military or are used specifically for creating children. Are you aware of the theory behind that?"

He must have been living under a rock for his entire life if he didn't know that sort of thing. There was an incredibly old-fashioned theory that men who took the higher ranks in the military tended to create stronger, healthier babies, and so after five years of service, they were allowed to marry and have children. It had only come into effect now that Handmaids were starting to pop up in households and there was incredibly limited evidence to show that strong men made strong babies, but it was something that was widely accepted and so couldn't be argued against. Jeonghan gave a nod, which prompted a discussion about how he had very good fertility for a Handmaid and he should produce a number of healthy children in his lifetime, before they finally got onto the paperwork.

That was something that Jeonghan hadn't really been prepared for. There were around twenty different consent forms, which he skimmed through as best as possible. Most of it was written using highly complex vocabulary and he didn't really understand it all too much, but he was too nervous to actually ask the doctor to dumb it down for him. After all, Handmaids were supposed to be cultured and intelligent, and not understanding a few long words didn't really present him in that light. Besides, he figured that he knew enough about Handmaids to not have to read every single one of the details, and so he simply signed it without reading fully. Then there was the final document, which was a lot longer and required the doctor to fill out some information about him on his computer so that it could be printed off and signed. It was supposed to be giving details for his implanting procedure to take place, apparently, and with fertility as high as his own he was going to be bumped up high on the waiting list right away.

"Is today your thirteenth birthday?" the doctor asked, letting his fingers hover over the keys for a moment. When Jeonghan gave a nod, he broke into a huge smile. "You're born on the cheonsa. I'm assuming you understand what that symbolises, right?"

"It's the angel's day. I'll be blessed with healthy babies every time I give birth, and it's thought that I'll have a lot more sons than I have daughters."

"Precisely. So, I'm going to take a guess right now and tell you that your procedure will run perfectly smoothly, you'll have a lot of beautiful children, and you'll have a number of couples lining up to have you as their Handmaid. From my experience, it's people who were born on this day who make the best Handmaids, so I'm sure that you're going to live a very fulfilling, happy life from the moment you start working."

Jeonghan sat thinking about that as he waited for the rest of the form to be filled out. Whilst he had obviously heard about some of the implications of his birthday before, he hadn't really considered it to that extent before, and he certainly didn't think that he was superior because of the day he happened to have been born. Yet, when the doctor had finished hyping him up over his birthday, the nurse began to explain to him that they rarely had any young boys in with that birthday, but they hadn't ever had any complications with those boys before. All of them had become Handmaids, all of them took to the implant incredibly well, and they hadn't had any issues with births, either. Jeonghan was incredibly fortunate to have that birthday, he told him, and so they were expecting great things from him as soon as his implant was grown to full size.

He was thankful when the form finally came through and he was asked to sign it. By that point, he'd certainly had enough and didn't particularly want to be there any longer, but he knew full well that he needed to get it over and done with so that he could have his implant. He scribbled his signature on the form with complete relief that that was everything that he needed to do and there was no longer any expectation for him to stay, and the doctor informed him that he his procedure would be taking place on Wednesday 8th October at two o'clock in the afternoon. With that, he was wished a safe procedure and sent on his way with a reminder slip in hand.

Jeonghan could feel his entire body shaking as he made his way back out of the hospital. Back through the doors into the colourful waiting room, back into the hallway and the dull reception area, back through the dark, quiet halls of the hospital until he finally got back to his parents' car. His legs were heavy and the walk felt like it took forever, and Jeonghan was no longer sure whether he was happy that he had been accepted as a Handmaid so easily. He had been certain that there would have been other things to go through, such as diet and habits with a lot fewer forms to read and sign, but he supposed that the doctor knew best really. Perhaps those sorts of things weren't important and it was just a strange preconception that he had developed as a result of what he'd read and found out about Handmaids.

Nevertheless, he put on an excited face when he finally got back to his parents' car, and he promptly informed his parents that he was going to become a Handmaid. He would be the mother of as many children as he could carry, and he was going to be doing his bit for his country. As scary as it was, Jeonghan was proud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry, I just had to point a little something out whilst I was here: although there's some sort of non-Seventeen individuals being indroduced from the next chapter, the first Seventeen minor character is introduced in chapter 7, and then the first pairing is in chapter 9 so we still have a while to build on Han, but seeing as there are 35 chapters in total there's no need to rush it I guess??
> 
> Also I'd just like to point out that there won't necessarily be a lot of romance between the actual pairings bc of reasons but there'll be more on that when it actually happens!!
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	3. Neuropeptide

The process had been a lot more invasive than Jeonghan had imagined, even after having gone through the information sheets a number of times. He had expected that it would be an injection-based implant, although apparently that wasn't the case when it got to it.

Instead, it required a minor surgery to place the organs in his lower abdomen. It was something that they had updated since the original Handmaids were created, since the organs grew a lot better when they were an inch or so in size to start out with. Jeonghan wasn't all too happy with the thought of having surgery in order to put the organs inside of him, but he had already signed all of the consent forms, so there wasn't much that he could do anymore. He turned up for the surgery, was put to sleep, and then woke up several hours later with a pain underneath his navel.

That was when the nurses gave him the side effects. Apparently, they had been on his introductory forms, but Jeonghan had read through them enough times to know that that wasn't the case. He had even checked out the long words online so that he knew what he was getting himself in for, so he was absolutely certain that nothing had come up about side effects. They included severe pains in his stomach as the organ grew, fatigue, sudden loss of appetite or weight, and infection, plus there was an additional chance that his other organs would start to function incorrectly as a result. It was rare, or so they said, but it left Jeonghan feeling particularly anxious. He knew that they had to tell him what the side effects were, but honestly he didn't really want to know. It was something that he was best off not knowing about, even if there was a good chance that he was going to experience at least one of those side effects. He wanted to be able to face them as they happened and not have to worry about them if there wasn't a chance of them occurring.

He was incredibly lucky in the end, since the only bad side effect that he did have was the pain. Jeonghan was given a course of medication in order to reduce the pain that he was in, and was also taken for frequent health checks and ultrasound scans in order to make sure that everything was running smoothly. Now that he had had the surgery, he was being treated with absolute optimal respect, with staff bringing him meals every time he went to the hospital for his check-ups, and the doctors making sure that he wasn't regretting his decision. It was their job to convince him that what he was doing was good for the world if he did seem like he regretted it, and honestly they were doing a particularly good job at convincing him that that was the case whenever he started to feel uncomfortable.

It had led to some other questions, though, about the effects of what they were doing to him. Whilst he could understand pumping him full of a growth hormone localised to the reproductive organs specifically, he couldn't really understand the rest of it. Once every six weeks, he was getting a shot of oestrogen too; the nurse told him that it was a way to encourage the fertility of his new organs, but Jeonghan was rather concerned about the additional side effects that came along with that. Jeonghan hadn't been all too bothered to start with, but then his body had started to react rather strangely to it. It had started out with headaches and insomnia, but then eventually the symptoms started to get worse. His chest had started to bulge ever so slightly, which he worried was the start of breasts. He was right at the start of puberty and had heard horror stories about young boys developing breasts after they received their implant, so it had concerned him a lot. However, the nurses had insisted that it wasn't anything to worry about and it was incredibly rare for a guy to develop breasts on that sort of oestrogen. Instead, it would probably be his body trying to produce milk for the first time. That was something that happened to almost everyone, so he was supposed to try to stop being worried about it.

Yet, Jeonghan couldn't stop the worry that was building in his chest. As he grew older and the organ developed inside of him, his puberty began to get rocky. He didn't develop facial hair and his voice was soft and feminine until he was almost sixteen years old. He was relatively short in height, and he was almost certain that the growth hormone was the only thing that was getting him close to an adult male height. He had a baby face for the longest time and incredible growing pains that left him unable to stand sometimes. Each visit to the hospital gradually grew to be less and less exciting, until finally he reached his eighteenth birthday. It was at that point where they announced that he needed to have an injection of a neuropeptide in order to get his body ready for having children. He wasn't exactly sure what it was, but he was past the point of caring; he simply allowed them to slip the needle into the back of his hand before slowly injecting it into his bloodstream.

It was something that they were going to have to monitor closely for a little while, though. They couldn't risk Jeonghan having a bad reaction to the injection or getting ill as a result of his sugars dropping, so he was required to sit in a secluded room for a little while. It wasn't very nice for the other boys to see if he reacted badly to it and they didn't want to risk scaring them away when they were about to become a part of the future, so Jeonghan would have to sit in one of the old practitioner rooms. He would be locked in, just so that they could make sure that he stayed for the full ten minutes, but there would be a panic button available for if something went severely wrong. One press of that button would get all of the nurses from that ward straight over to the room, so he didn't need to be worried about them not making it to him in time. His safety was their number one priority, so he had to trust that he was in safe hands.

He could hardly argue against it, in all honesty. It wouldn't get him anywhere fast, and he would probably end up having to sit there for even longer as punishment for disobeying what they said to him. Although he had never been directly punished, Jeonghan had heard cases where the nurses would give particular patients the cold shoulder, which certainly wasn't good when it came to getting his treatment, so he simply followed what his nurse said.

They made their way to the other end of the corridor, as far away from the waiting room area as possible. It was back to being dark and grey and he wasn't all too fond of it, but he made sure to keep his mouth shut about it. The room was the final one in the corridor, and the nurse promptly opened the door when they arrived before nudging him inside and pulling the door towards herself so that there was only around a three inch cap between the door and frame. "Just take a seat in this room here for ten minutes. Just let one of us know if there's anything that we need to do to make you comfortable."

With that, the door was closed behind him. Jeonghan didn't really see it as something that was supposed to make him comfortable, but at the same time, he wasn't really prepared to argue over it. There was one other person in the room, although the guy seemed to be busy with reading his newspaper. Jeonghan slowly moved to sit, figuring that it was best to do so if he was going to be there for a while. To start with they were both completely silent, with Jeonghan's eyes occasionally drifting back to the other man, and the man's eyes staying glued to the newspaper, until eventually he let out a long sigh and turned the page.

Jeonghan was startled when the man let out such a loud noise, but when he caught himself he let out an exasperated laugh and rubbed his hands over his face. That caught the man's attention, and his eyes slowly raised from his lap to look straight up at Jeonghan. For a moment, the teenager was hit with a fear that he'd done something severely wrong, since he was jsut being stared at in complete silence, but then the man's eyes flashed towards the door before returning to his face in a much softer manner. His face seemed to show more curiosity than anything, as if he was only just realising that Jeonghan was in the room with him. "You're gonna be a Handmaid, right?"

He nodded his head. "Right at the end of your medical procedures, aren't you? What did you just have done?"  
"Norup..peptile?" Jeonghan asked before laughing and letting out a sigh, "Sorry, I don't know what it is. They just tell me a really complex name and then inject me or cut me open." At that point he froze on the spot, realising that he had probably said too much, and promptly clapped a hand over his mouth, "Sorry, I didn't mean to speak badly of your workplace." This time, the man broke into a laugh. He stared at Jeonghan with eyes full of fondness, and then slowly folded up his newspaper.  
"I don't work here. I'm an army commander in training, but they get me in here so that they can have someone looking after their Handmaids for free. You drop, I'm trained in first aid, so we can get you fixed up nicely in a matter of minutes," he explained. 

"It's 'neuropeptide', by the way. Just their indirect way of telling you that you're being pumped with a load of oxytocin. It's supposed to help you come to love your baby enough to be able to know what's right for them. Have you ever heard of Solomon's Difficult Decision, 1 Kings 3:16-28?" the man continued. When Jeonghan shook his head, the man gave a slight nod. "Well, it's about two prostitutes who took their baby to Solomon because they had both recently given birth, but one of the babies died and the mother swapped the dead baby with the other woman's living baby. The mother knew that it wasn't her baby but the other woman was insisting that she was wrong, so Solomon was going to cut the baby in half. The mother immediately told him to give her baby to the other woman without cutting him in half because she loved him enough to make that sacrifice."

Jeonghan wasn't quite sure that he was following, and it soon became apparent. The man waited for him to say something before realising that he hadn't really understood the point of the story whatsoever. "Basically, they're theorising that if they pump you full of oxytocin, you're going to love your baby so much that you'll realise that a rich family will be the best decision and although it'll hurt, you'll be happy to give your baby up."

Now that he understood, Jeonghan could feel his stomach lurching. He hadn't really thought about it in that sort of way, and now he realised exactly why they weren't telling him those sorts of things. The country had gradually developed a fixation on Western religions over Jeonghan's lifetime, and it was becoming apparent that they were starting to incorporate that sort of symbolism into the Handmaid program too. There was already a huge amount with the words they chose to describe each individual in the program - the Handmaids were supposed to be maids to the Wives, the Marthas were there witness the 'resurrection' of their country, the Aunts would take the Handmaids in as their own children to fill a 'vacancy in their heart' - but Jeonghan hadn't quite expected the breadth of it until he heard these subtle references being added too. It was disturbing.

"Do you want to be a part of this program?" the man asked as he shuffled closer, "Don't worry; you don't have to act as if it's the best thing in the world if you don't actually like it. I know that a lot of the boys who are training to be Handmaids don't actually like it. It's something that they force you into, but they make it sound as if it's entirely up to you." Jeonghan couldn't help but give a shy smile as he nodded. He watched as the man adjusted his sitting position towards him and gave a warm smile in return.  
"I used to really want to be a Handmaid, but I think I've changed my mind now. Actually, I think I changed my mind five years ago, straight after the surgery."

The man gave a soft sigh. "So you're one of the unlucky ones with decent fertility still after the treatment, then? They'll have you working until your body can't carry any more children."  
"I-I know that," Jeonghan blurted out, having not really wanted to hear that from the guy, "I don't want to do that, but I have to now. It's part of my duty, so I think that I have to continue until I've finished what I was made to do." They made eye contact for longer than necessary, although it wasn't uncomfortable in the slightest. Rather, Jeonghan could feel his heart starting to beat faster in his chest; he was sensitive to every little movement from the man, from the way his tongue flashed out slightly to dampen his lips through to the way that he leaned ever so slightly closer as they watched each other.

"You don't have to do that," he finally said, his lips shifting back into a straight line from the smile. "I know a way where you don't have to actually do that. But it'll mean going into hiding, if you're okay with that." Jeonghan was rather confused by where it was going and sat in anticipation for the man to continue, although when it didn't come, he took in a deep breath before speaking up.  
"What are you suggesting, then?" he asked, taking note of the way that his breath stuttered once the words were out. The man's smile gradually returned to his lips as he reached out a hand to stroke Jeonghan's fingers.  
"I was actually thinking that we could run away together."

Every part of Jeonghan's body was telling him that it was an awful idea. For starters, he and the guy had only spoken around five minutes beforehand. He didn't even know his name, and he couldn't exactly say that he knew any other information about him either. It was something that would have been ridiculous to do and was absolutely not like him. As much as Jeonghan hated the thought of being a Handmaid now, he couldn't exactly run away with someone he didn't know. "I-I think I'm good, thank you," he insisted as he began to fiddle with his sleeves. He could feel the man's eyes on him again, but this time the hand reaches out to hold his fingertips.  
"Do you understand what this could mean? I know I'm just a stranger, but if we got married and had children of our own, they wouldn't be able to take you away. You would still be doing your bit for the growth of the country, but it wouldn't involve you carrying children for rich families and then having them plucked straight out of your arms before you had the chance to even see your child's face."

That was a game changer. Jeonghan hadn't seen it like that, and although his senses were heavily advising against it, there was another little part of him that was now incredibly interested. It was telling him that it was good for the sake of protecting himself, and even if he didn't love the guy, at least he would be safe from harm as long as they had a family together. In fact, they didn't even have to see each other that much; perhaps he could go about his daily life whilst Jeonghan raised their children somewhere completely separately, and then they would only meet again so that he could get pregnant with their next baby. It was a rather fool-proof plan, now that he thought about it, and Jeonghan was suddenly faced with a rush of excitement now that he had found his escape plan. He allowed his fingertips to spread, so that the man's fingers could slot between them, and then he gave a warm smile.

"Please get me out of this hospital so that we can start our life together."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really getting into writing this honestly and if I was able to, I would write the entire thing in a day.
> 
> Will there be any problems?? Does anyone have any theories about what might happen?? Go wild and destroy me with your ideas!!
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	4. Hyacinth

Jeonghan hadn't quite expected for his relationship with the stranger to develop anywhere near as quickly as it actually did, in the end. He thought that they would run away together, have a child or two after they'd had the chance to get to know each other, and then everything would be okay for both of them. They would gradually fall in love with each other and perhaps marry after their third child was born. It would be like a fairytale, in a way, except not quite in the typical order that was expected from that sort of thing.

The reality of the situation was much different. The room was fortunately rather close to the emergency exit of the hospital, and the guy was able to unlock the door and get out of there quickly. He knew that the escape door's alarm didn't work; he had access to all of that sort of information, apparently, so he was able to lead them safely through the exit and out towards the delivery entrance. They were particularly lucky, since the deliveries weren't due for another hour or two, so they were easily able to slip away from the building. It was easier than Jeonghan had imagined; it almost felt as if the guy had been researching how to smuggle the boy of his dreams out of the building undetected for a while. Perhaps he had been planning to get someone else out, like a younger brother or a friend, but he'd settled for Jeonghan instead. Perhaps he was just planning to get someone out of the building and was waiting for that person to arrive. Either way, Jeonghan didn't care. They were getting away from the hospital and that was all that mattered to him for the moment.

There was a forest nearby, which was a relief. As soon as they were between the trees, it would be incredibly hard for them to be found. Guards would be searching for hours before they found them, especially since the man took him deeper into the forest and away from the path. He seemed to be searching for something, Jeonghan decided; maybe a rest point or a particular point of reference so that they didn't get lost. He didn't want to ask about it, just in case he distracted the stranger, but it soon became apparent that he knew exactly where he was going. That came as a relief. Jeonghan wasn't all that fond of the looming trees overhead and certainly didn't like the way that they cast their shadows so eerily over them as they ran. It reminded him of the lights in the hospital hallways in a way, and he was sure that he'd read a few books in the past where the trees had ears and would tell the Eyes what they had heard.

They must have run for around twenty minutes on and off until they finally made it into a clearing. Jeonghan felt a wave of relief wash over him once the light hit them again. It was like the brightness of the future was coming towards him and then suddenly hit all at once, and he could feel his heart beating faster when he realised what was in front of him.

It was a small brick house with square windows that were covered from the inside by dark blinds. There was a vineyard to the left of the building and a large apple tree to the right. Begonia flowers were growing in the garden at the front of the house and a few purple hyacinths were dotted around the perimeter of the house in boxes, giving the brown building a dash of colour. Jeonghan was amazed; they weren't native to Korea, but he was rather fond of the colour. They were in the process of sprouting - possibly freshly planted and forced into early blossom ready for winter - and he could see the beginnings of flowers starting to grow along the stems already. Jeonghan was certain that they should have been growing inside if they were being force-grown, but he guessed that the warmth of the autumn air and the beauty it brought to the building made it worth it.

Going inside, Jeonghan had to force himself not to turn up his nose at the distasteful decor. The main room and kitchen were merged into one room, but the decor completely changed between them. Whilst the main room had a bohemian style, with a huge fireplace and sheepskin rug and a leather chair that had seen much better days, the kitchen was a stereotypical kitsch style. Wooden floorboards turned to checkered laminate, neutral tones were replaced with loud, colourful furniture, and the appliances were outdated. Luckily, the bedroom and bathroom were both significantly more contemporary and were actually rather stylish and there was even space for a small nursery, so Jeonghan simply chose to keep his opinions about the lurid decor in the rest of the house.

The man let out an awkward laugh as he told him that it was their living space from that point onwards. It was a safe place that had a low risk of being discovered by government officials, and it was the perfect place to raise their children. Jeonghan wasn't all too sure to start with, so the man decided to take it into his own hands. He moved to stand behind the teen and slowly moved both hands to press to his stomach, as if he was already carrying a child, then slowly moved his lips to his ear. "Imagine Saturday mornings where we're cuddling on the sofa and our children are sat on the rug, watching cartoons. Sunday mornings where you're baking sweet things for us to eat in the afternoon, and I'll be playing pretend with our sons and daughters. Weekdays where you get to relax whilst a tutor educates the little ones and I'll be at work, only to come home and have a romantic night of shared baths and snuggling in just towels as soon as the kids are in bed."

It sounded a lot better once he put it like that. Jeonghan could imagine every one of those scenarios and more; it was gradually becoming a reality for him and he wanted nothing more than to live that dream now that it had been presented to him. For once, he wanted to rush into it and get to experience every little moment of it, and he finally felt like he had the freedom to do so.

They married within a day of being at the house together. It had been a split-second decision on Jeonghan's part, but he figured that it was necessary to make things official in order to get straight onto starting their life together. After all, if they waited any longer, there was a chance that they would be found out and forced apart. Now that Jeonghan's mind was set on the new life aside from the Handmaid program, he couldn't bear the thought of being forced to carry the children of families who wouldn't even let him see his newborn. He would be moving from house to house, essentially being used as a breeding swine until he was unable to carry anymore. It wasn't the life that he'd imagined for himself and he was incredibly grateful to be taken away from that situation.

His husband's name was Jinho. Kim Jinho. Jeonghan found that out when they went to get married. He'd not actually thought to ask until they got there, since it didn't really matter to him and there was so much happening around them that there was never really an appropriate time to ask. The wedding had been small and took place in a village on the other side of the city. It had been particularly hard to get there, seeing as there were a lot of people searching for Jeonghan by that point, but then had just about managed to get there without being spotted. The ceremony had been simple; neither of them really dressed up as such, although Jinho was required to wear his Commander uniform in order to make their marriage official. It took place in one of the back rooms of a church - the Handmaid program was heavily influenced by Christianity in America and so it had sparked a lot of interest when the program was introduced in Korea - and ended up lasting a total of twenty minutes, since they were simply reciting vows, exchanging rings and signing the wedding certificate.

Then there was the wedding night. It was the anticipation point of the entire day, even managing to surpass the anticipation that inherently came along with the chance of being caught passing through the city walls twice in one day. Jeonghan had no experience of romance in the slightest, but Jinho had promised that it was going to be okay in the end. He would just have to trust him to be loving and sweet, and with any luck, they would be starting their family that night. Jinho had found out through some of his resources that Jeonghan was the cheonsa and was particularly fertile, so he had no doubt that they would be seeing their first child soon enough.

Despite the promise of gentle loving, Jeonghan hadn't quite expected it to play out that way. It was part of his contract, as a future Handmaid, to abstain from sex and refrain from touching himself in an erotic manner. Growing up, it had been hard for him to do so at times, but he had successfully managed to get through puberty without even allowing his fingertips to 'accidentally' brush against a straining morning erection. Now that he was married and away from that system, he felt absolutely no guilt at all when his thighs parted to accommodate the slim hips of his husband. He allowed his trousers to be pulled from his waist in one long, slow motion. His boxers stayed as a barrier for the moment as Jinho's clothing was shed almost unbearably slowly, but as soon as they were ready to start, the final cotton blockade was peeled down.

It surprised Jeonghan how his husband managed to keep his promise in the end. Of course, it hurt to an extent, since he wasn't at all used to the feeling of another man pressing him against the black linen in that way, but Jinho always made sure to check whether it was hurting too much. It was something that Jeonghan appreciated a lot, especially since he could have quite easily turned him into a heaving, writhing mess in the middle of the bed by being any rougher with him, but it was just going to prove that Jinho was deserving to be the father of his children.

In fact, he was gentle every time. It wasn't just a one-off to earn his trust. Every night was the same, with Jinho slowly - rhythmically - nudging him to unwind underneath his touch. It was strangely enjoyable; Jeonghan was certain that he wouldn't be fond of that sort of thing, since he had always been taught that finding sex satisfying as a Handmaid was strictly prohibited, but there was something addicting about it. From the way that the scent of his husband's cologne drowned him as soon as their bodies pressed together to the way that his thighs would tremble every time he felt thick spurts filling him to the brim, it was something that he never got bored of.

It was only a matter of time before he managed to conceive their first child. Jeonghan hadn't thought anything of the sickness to start with; he'd expected that he was just getting ill as a side effect of going cold turkey on his medication for just over a month, but then it began to affect him more and more as time went on. The smell of rice water left his stomach churning and he constantly had the urge to pee. It was dismissed as side effects of the illness and perhaps a urinary tract infection, but then more symptoms began to arise. Cravings for bapsang started to dominate his thoughts, to the point where he was dreaming about it almost every night. He was exhausted after just an hour of cooking or cleaning. He could feel his stomach starting to swell as it used to do during the 'menstruation' phase of his medication cycles.

He hadn't even considered that he was pregnant until his husband had caught onto it. They were just in the early stages of an intimate night at the time, but the sight of Jeonghan's bare torso had completely stopped Jinho in his tracks. Jeonghan had been anticipating the gentle kisses that usually met the curve of his hip as soon as he was shirtless, so it had come as a surprise when it didn't happen. Of course, he knew exactly what was on his husband's mind as soon as he saw the look on his face. "I'm bloated," he confirmed with a sigh, moving both hands up to cover his face in embarrassment, "I think it's all of the bapsang that I've been eating."

"Are you sure?" Jinho pressed as he shifted further up the bed. Jeonghan considered it for a moment before giving a nod. He had no reason to believe that it was something else causing his body to swell up like that. Then his husband's lips found his chest and tested a gentle pluck, which suddenly told Jeonghan what he was thinking as he felt a spark of pain rush through his body. He let out a sharp gasp and immediately reached to shield his nipples as he confirmed what Jinho was suggesting to him.

"You think I'm pregnant."

A pregnancy test showed that he was right. Jeonghan had even made sure to double and triple check, just in case it was a false positive. Six pregnancy tests later and he couldn't possibly deny it any longer. There was no chance of seeing a nurse or midwife about it, seeing as that would expose him as having escaped from the Handmaid program, but Jinho promised that he would make sure to look after him instead. He would find as many resources as possible and help Jeonghan out whenever he needed it. They would read a selection of books about pregnancy and would spend time learning about how to look after a child together. Anything to make the pregnancy and infant stages run as smoothly as possible would be worth it for both of them.

It was rough, to say the least. The absolute highlight of the pregnancy was getting to decorate the nursery. Jeonghan spent most of his time vomiting, right up until he was twenty-four weeks pregnant. His stomach swelled up larger than he could have possibly imagined and hung low. His stomach was covered in stretch marks, and his chest had swelled up a bit, too. It hurt to walk around the house or clean, and he had to be helped in and out of the bathtub. All of Jeonghan's independence was gone, which was probably the most frustrating part of the entire thing, so he was forced to sit on the sofa all day to wait for Jinho to arrive home before he could do anything. His meals had to be prepared in advance so that he didn't end up ramming his bump into the kitchen sides, since he had a particularly bad habit of doing that.

Luckily, though, the birth was a lot easier than he had expected. His labour had started properly whilst he was in the bath, which took some of the stress off his body, and Jinho had learnt enough about the process of giving birth to guide him through it. It had only lasted for around an hour and a half in total once the contractions were strong enough to give him the urge to push. Jeonghan had been amazed, since his body wasn't exactly designed well for births, but he was relieved nonetheless. Holding their first son was the only thing that made it all worth it in the end; the stress of the pregnancy was something that he didn't think he would be able to handle if he wasn't going to even be able to see his baby in the end, and it really went to prove that he wasn't suited for the Handmaid program at all. He was filled with a euphoria that he'd never felt before when he felt the baby searching for his nipple to feed, and suddenly nothing else mattered anymore.

It was the start of their life together as a family; a symbol of freedom that led him away from the purpose that had been forced on him as a result of the fertility he was born with. For once, Jeonghan could truly say that he was happy in life and didn't have to worry about his moment of happiness being snatched away from him as soon as it had started to emerge. It was just him, his beautiful husband and his perfect baby boy, living the life that he'd wished for throughout his entire life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot of really subtle symbolism, as a little hint. Every word is chosen very, very specifically, so feel free to shred this chapter completely. I'm not going to confirm or reject anything because that would be too easy.
> 
> I'm really determined to at least get to the main pairings before I slow down on this streak of updating a lot because I need more people to read and drown me in theorising comments, but I promised that I would keep it hidden until they come up and I can't go back on my promise like that.
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	5. Parenthood

Parenthood was something that Jeonghan couldn't have possibly been prepared for. As wonderful as it was to finally be able to hold their baby in his arms, having a child was absolutely exhausting at the start. Jeonghan frequently found himself dozing off halfway through the day with the infant in his arms, and was only woken up by him crying or trying to suckle. It was something that he put up with, though; after all, that was what he'd signed up when he decided to be a parent, and he was absolutely grateful for every moment with his beautiful child.

It had taken a while to choose the perfect name for their son. In the end, Jeonghan had decided on Myungseok. It meant 'foundation of ages', which he deemed to be particularly fitting for their firstborn. He was the foundation of his generation in their family and was what kept Jeonghan going during the long days where he would otherwise be alone. Jeonghan loved the child from the moment that he was placed in his arms, and he couldn't have possibly hoped for a baby who was any more perfect. He was also rather quiet for an infant too; the parenting books that they had bought told Jeonghan that he should be doing at least one night feed and shouldn't leave it too long between feeds, but he was finding himself waking up in the middle of the night having realised that Myungseok hadn't woken him for a feed. He was having to go through to the infant's cot in the middle of the night to wake and feed him, and then he remained asleep until around six o'clock in the morning, so Jeonghan was still able to rest rather well. It was the days that were tiring for him, though; monitoring his child's well-being and keeping him occupied knocked all of the energy out of him for the first few months.

The exhaustion probably wasn't helped at all by the fact that he had conceived again soon after giving birth. Jeonghan could tell the symptoms of his second pregnancy a lot earlier than he had done with the first. Myungseok was only five months old when the sickness started to kick in, and whilst he had assumed that it was a direct result of his tiredness to start with, deep down he always knew that he was pregnant again. His body reacted in an incredibly similar way to the first, to the point where occasionally in the early mornings Jeonghan would forget that he wasn't reliving his first pregnancy again. He certainly wasn't ready to have another child so soon after the first, but there was nothing that he could really do about it. He and his husband hadn't used protection, knowing full well what the risks of doing so were, and it was only natural that he had ended up conceiving again.

Whilst he had wanted to keep it a secret for a few weeks, it was incredibly obvious right from the start. Jeonghan's body began to show signs of conception early on; his typically flat stomach grew curved as a result of the bloating, and even though Myungseok was breastfeeding from him, it was still obvious in his chest. It hurt for Myungseok to suckle from him at times, as his nipples quickly grew to have a painful level of sensitivity and occasionally he was forced to take breaks, much to the infant's frustration.

It wasn't too long before he gave birth to a baby girl. They were quicker to decide on her name, figuring that 'Gu' worked perfectly. One syllable names were uncommon still, but the Wives in the city were apparently starting to opt for those sorts of names for their newborns. They were fashionable now, and Jeonghan wanted to be able to follow that trend whilst he was able to have the freedom to do so. It was something that he could take advantage of to its fullest without anyone telling him that the name was too 'upper class' for the baby of a runaway and the husband who was secretly hiding him in the middle of a forest. He supposed that it was a sort of act of rebellion in a way, although obviously no one other than himself and Jinho would ever find out about that.

Whilst Jeonghan had been certain that being a new parent was exhausting, having two infants was a thousand times worse. Luckily Myungseok hit his first birthday whilst Jeonghan was still pregnant with his sister, so he was becoming more independent as time went on, but Gu was incredibly loud and easily scared. If something was dropped nearby or Jeonghan bumped into something, she would scream bloody murder until he managed to calm her down again and would still be grumbly for a few minutes even after she had stopped crying. Jeonghan didn't necessarily need to look after his son as such; Myungseok would play with his toys and not cause any bother whatsoever, but honestly the young parent felt awful about giving most of his attention to his youngest child. She would demand it, so he could hardly stop showing her attention in favour of making his son feel a bit more included, but it still felt incredibly unfair to do so.

He made sure to let Jinho know that he wasn't ready to have more children for at least a year or two now that they already had two babies. Jeonghan was well aware of the fact that there were illegal backstreet dealers for all things outlawed by the government, including condoms so he'd specifically asked for his husband to pick some up before their next night of intimacy, as not to risk pregnancy. Jinho hadn't been all that happy with it to start with and even spent a few days trying to convince Jeonghan that having more children would ensure that he wouldn't be taken away by government officials if they were found out but when it became apparent that he wouldn't be getting any intimacy at all unless they were using protection, he begrudgingly found a way to get hold of some condoms. They were kept in a secret place that Jeonghan had made for himself; whilst he trusted that his husband wouldn't intentionally tamper with the contraception in order to get him pregnant again, he figured that he could never be too safe with that sort of thing.

After all, they couldn't afford to have another child at the moment. For starters, their house was incredibly compact to the point where they had to have Myungseok and Gu's cribs side by side. There would be very little room at all for a third crib in the nursery, and it would just be awkward to stick a newborn baby in their room or in the main room on a long-term basis. They didn't even have the room to give their children beds once they grew out of the cots. Jinho had promised that they could expand the house, but that change wasn't going to come overnight. Jeonghan wouldn't even be able to help with building the extension whilst he was pregnant, so he would have to wait for that until they had better living conditions.

On top of that, his body was spent for the moment. For a boy who hadn't even hit his twenty-first birthday, Jeonghan moved like an old man. He had hoped that his energy would return once he'd given birth to Gu and had adjusted to being the mother of two children, but that certainly hadn't been the case. It was more than the exhaustion of carrying a child and having two babies in the house; Jeonghan was certain that there was a problem with his body or something, since he was certain that it wasn't natural for it to feel so heavy all the time. He would only ever spend time making food, nursing Gu and trying his hardest to interact with both babies at once, which shouldn't have taken up that much energy. Even when Myungseok hit eighteen months old and Gu reached five months, Jeonghan still felt like he was unable to cope with the amount of stress and fatigue that he was experiencing. It wasn't even as if he had any reason for it either; he was generally sleeping okay and as time went on, the babies were gradually starting to settle into their daily routines.

But then, of course, it all had to come crashing down.

Jeonghan should have expected it. Despite his postnatal symptoms, everything was running too smoothly for him. In the world that they were living in, that was as bad of a sign as everything going completely wrong. 

It had been a typical day at the time. Jeonghan was sprawled across the sofa, half dozing as he held Gu in his arms. She had just finished nursing from him, but was gently nuzzling her face against his chest still. Myungseok, on the other hand, was on his playmat next to the sofa. He was able to walk a bit, although it was a waddle still, but much preferred to be seated with his toys nearby. There were old shows playing in the background; reruns of Kokomom from just before the fertility crisis had hit the country, along with older episodes of Popopo. He was completely mesmerised by it and was slowly chewing on the lid of his sippy cup. It gave Jeonghan some time to relax whilst lazily watching over him, and it was completely fine since he knew how to get his mommy's attention if necessary.

Jinho was at work for the day. He was due to get home at around six o'clock that evening, which gave Jeonghan plenty of time to rest up, go to make dinner, and then act as if he had been busy all day. He didn't like lying about that sort of thing, in all honesty, but he wasn't particularly fond of the idea that his husband might judge his daily habits if he found out. After all, he wasn't really there to help with raising their children during the week, although he did try his hardest to help out on a weekend, and so he didn't really get to see how much it took out of Jeonghan on a daily basis. He had an alarm set to tell him when he should be getting up and pottering around the house to ensure that it was clean and that a meal was ready on the table when his husband returned home, but as his dozing turned to snoozing, he was promptly woken by the sound of the front door opening.

The door was flung open with such force that Jeonghan jolted and scared the baby in his arms. She began to whine with discomfort as a result and Jeonghan's immediate reaction was to pull her closer to his chest to help her to feel safe again, but his eyes remained locked on his husband's heaving body in the doorway as he tried to catch his breath. He was relieved to find that it was just him, since it could have easily been anyone else when the door was flung open in that manner, but he was still disappointed in him for causing such unnecessary distress. "Jinho, you frightened her," he scolded coldly, having not been impressed by the fact that he'd come into the house so loudly and didn't even seem to have any way to explain himself, nor even an apology to make up for the way that he entered the house.

Then he held up a hand for a moment, his face hard and serious, and Jeonghan knew that something was wrong. He shuffled to sit up properly on the sofa, waiting in anticipation for something to happen, but all was still for a moment until his husband had the strength to come into the house and start storming around the place. He began to rip food from the fridge and go through to the bedrooms, tossing a few things out from the cupboards and drawers with absolutely no explanation whatsoever, and Jeonghan was left feeling confused. "Jinho, tell me what you're doing - you're really making me uncomfortable," he demanded, in hopes that it would give him the answer that he needed. He could feel his heartbeat starting to speed up in his chest until he could hear it pounding in his ears. It was a horrible experience, and even more so when he watched Jinho spin around on the spot. His husband seemed to be completely disorientated and flustered, which wasn't at all like him, and Jeonghan could see the worry in his eyes as he ran a hand through his hair.

"Jeonghan, they found us. You... you have to take a bag with essentials, some money and water and get out of here with the children. I'll make it look as if you were never here and they'll never be able to prove it. Go to the village we married in and I'll send someone over to rescue you as soon as it's safe to do so."

Jeonghan couldn't believe what he was hearing. He was hit with a sudden explosion of emotions - a mix of fear, panic and horror - and he didn't even know what to do with himself. It felt completely unreal; they had been living there for over two years and had never seen another person in that part of the woods in that time. It was their secret haven that was completely separate from the rest of the world, where they didn't even have to worry about refugees from the forest finding them and making their way over to seek shelter. Then suddenly one day, Jinho had found guards in the nearby area and overheard that they were planning a raid to take the escaped Handmaid to the Aunts in the city. His body went into autopilot as he started to search around for the basics that they needed in order to keep the babies safe and happy, then shoved them all into a small backpack.

He changed into something light but warm in record speed, then used a large sheet to strap Myungseok to his chest. It was supposed to make it easier to run if he only had to worry about stopping one baby from slipping, and the one-year-old had enough control of his head for Jeonghan to not have to worry about having to support his neck. Instead, he could focus on not shaking Gu too much and scaring her as they escaped. She didn't understand the fact that they would need to stay quiet and hidden, and it was going to be the ultimate weakness of his lack of an escape plan. Jeonghan strapped the bag to his body, making sure to tighten the straps as much as possible to stop it from moving about as they started on their journey, and then promptly scooped Gu up into his arms. One firm kiss was exchanged between him and his husband before he started on his way towards the back door.

Or he would have, if the front door hadn't been kicked open by guards before he'd even managed to turn his back to Jinho. Suddenly they were pouring into the house and Jeonghan could feel his knees buckling. Jinho shouted something to him, but it sounded as if it was distant, like he was underwater. His mouth opened but Jeonghan couldn't make any of the words out; at that point, he was certain that he'd gone deaf since there was nothing but ringing in his ears. He was paralysed with fear for a moment, knowing full well that his babies would be ripped from his arms and his husband would be executed in front of him for hiding him like that, and he would be forced to go into the Handmaid program knowing what he'd done to his family. It was the final kick; a way of telling him that no matter what he did, the government owned him, and if he tried to drag anyone else down with him, he would be punished for it.

"Jeonghan, run!" Jinho repeated over and over until he could hear it properly. He could see the guards starting to advance on him and the adrenaline instantly kicked in, finally allowing him to make his way towards the back of the house. There were a few guards on their way around the house and Jeonghan was certain that one or two were chasing him out into the garden, but he didn't dare to turn back and check. He simply pulled his daughter as close to his chest as possible, doing his absolute best to ignore her panicked screams and hoping more than anything that eventually she would realise that what he was doing was in her best interest. It was bouncing her a bit and she hated being held so tightly against his body, but it was something that would ultimately save her life in the end. It was Jeonghan's job, as her mother, to make sure that she and her brother were safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's too early for things to run smoothly, as you probably all expected!! Sorry about that!!
> 
> Also his husband is an important character - you should remember him for later.
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	6. Escape

Jeonghan severely underestimated how much strain it was to carry two children on his own through the forest. He had only made it harder on himself by worming between the trees and trying to mix up his path so that it was as unpredictable as possible, just in case he was being followed. From what he could see, the guards had stopped following him a short way into the forest, which was rather unusual seeing as they had tried so hard to capture him to start with, but he certainly appreciated it more than anything. At least that way he didn't have to worry about escaping them as well as finding somewhere to stop with the babies, he figured.

It was going to be a difficult journey, though, and he could tell that from very early on. Gu was quickly getting more and more distressed; she didn't like the bounce of Jeonghan's jog as he tried to distance himself from the house, and she hated the feeling of the cold air on her face. It was her first time out of the house, since she was born in November when the temperature was just starting to drop, and so the April air was something completely new for her. Jeonghan couldn't really blame her dislike for it, if he was being honest. He certainly wasn't that fond of it either, but he was simply forced to comfort her as best as possible and hope that she would at least grow tolerable of it as they continued their journey. Perhaps her quiet brother would encourage her to calm soon enough, Jeonghan hoped, although he seriously doubted that it would do anything to make his youngest feel better about the situation.

They had barely been out of the house for a half hour before Jeonghan grew to be frustrated and had to take a seat on a moss-covered tree trunk. He chose the spot with the least foliage possible, in hopes that he could avoid damaging the plant underneath himself. From that point, he tried to distract himself in any way possible for just a few minutes. Playing with Gu, talking to Myungseok, looking around the nearby area. It was just anything to stop himself from thinking about the long path ahead of them. The trip to the village only took around fifteen minutes by car when they were going to get married, but Jinho's presence alone had allowed them to travel through the city. It was his place of work, so they were hardly going to get suspicious and search the car.

Jeonghan, on the other hand, was of Handmaid age and should have been in the system by that point. He wouldn't safely be able to go into the city with his children. Even if he wasn't recognised by a government official who realised that he was the one who escaped from the guards, they would be highly suspicious of the fact that he was carrying around two children and wasn't in any uniform. Even the Wives would be dressed in blue, but Jeonghan was in a yellow knitted jumper and grey sweatpants. He certainly didn't look like one of the upper-class men who had children in tow, and sure enough, any guards who caught him would instantly think that he'd kidnapped the children. It wasn't worth the risk that it posed for his babies' lives.

Instead, he was going to take a much longer route. On average, he could walk around a kilometre every eleven minutes on his own. That was something that he had calculated back when he was living with his parents and needed to get to his medical appointments on his own, and he assumed that he would be able to keep to similar times still. Having the children with him and having to keep checking for any dangers nearby would probably bump that up to around eighteen or so minutes, he decided, and with the route that they were going to have to take to stay hidden, they would probably end up walking twice the distance that they would have gone if they were travelling by car. That would total at around two hours of walking until they made it to the village.

It wasn't ideal, but it was all he really had. He wasn't that familiar with the area and was certain that he would end up straying dangerously close to the city at points during their journey, just so that he would be able to keep track of how close they were to their destination, but he figured that it would all work out for them in the end if they kept walking and perhaps ran a bit here and there. He would monitor how long it took them to get to various checkpoints along the way, and he would aim to keep the rests at an absolute minimum. Jeonghan had absolutely no shame whatsoever in nursing both Myungseok and Gu as he was walking, and he would go ahead and do it if it meant that he was making good time along the way.

In one swift motion, he hoisted Gu back up onto his front and began to walk again, making sure to pull silly faces in hopes that it would keep her quiet. She had calmed down significantly since they hit their rest spot, but now it was time to start moving again. Jeonghan wasn't too sure of how far they had managed to get through the forest, but he was certain that they were almost out by that point. They had been going for quite a while, although admittedly he was sure that he'd walked in an arch around the outer side of the forest. He was sure that they hadn't walked for too long before they reached the house back when he first moved in with Jinho, so he would probably come out near his old hometown, if his intuitive sense of direction was anything to go by.

Jeonghan was absolutely relieved when they managed to get to exactly where he wanted just a few minutes later. He had no idea of how they managed to do it, but suddenly the light was shining stronger through the trees overhead as they began to grow further apart and continued to do so, right up until the point where they found the outskirts of the town again. Jeonghan didn't get too close, figuring that that was where the guards had come from so the town may have been waiting for him to wander through, but at least he knew that he was on the right track. He cut through the forest again, knowing the signposts a lot better now that he was near more familiar territory, then made his way onto a path that led him past the town. He would only be on the path that they had taken in the car for a few yards before he'd be able to slip down a back street and be protected around the outskirts of the city, and so he managed to keep himself a comfortable distance away from where he'd be seen with ease.

It was taking longer than he'd hoped to walk, though. As much as he'd allowed himself eighteen minutes per kilometre, it felt as if it was taking forever to walk past the city. He hadn't realised how vast it was when he was walking on foot, and at one point he managed to stray uncomfortably close to the city walls, as he had expected that he was well past it by that point. Luckily there was no one around to spot him, but he was forced to dip back behind some abandoned buildings for a while in order to avoid tempting fate by following the outskirts too closely.

That path led him to make another arc past the side of the city, which gave him the opportunity to take a rest for a few minutes. They were probably just over three-quarters of the way there by that point, which Jeonghan was relieved about, and he knew that it wasn't too much further before they arrived. By that point, the babies were hurting his arms in ways that Jeonghan had never experienced before, as if his limbs were being ripped from his body. It was worse than carrying heavy boxes; the babies moved around as he tried to walk and there was a lot more at stake if he accidentally dropped one of them in comparison to if he dropped a load of books, for example.

It took his body longer than he'd hoped to recover enough to begin moving again. It was something that he'd had to build himself up for over the space of around five or ten minutes, until his back felt like it could brace the weight of two infants again and his knees could continue to bend without locking and giving him an awkward waddle. He swapped Myungseok's position on his body so that his weight was more equally distributed again, then held Gu in a way that allowed him to easily reposition her on either side of her brother whenever he felt the need to do so. Then they started again, firstly heading towards the edge of the road that was leading from the city to the village, and then taking a turn so that he could walk the long way around.

The longer route certainly wasn't ideal, but there was usually quite a lot of congestion going both in and out of the village as soon as people began to finish work. Although Jeonghan couldn't see any cars for the moment, he didn't really want to risk going the short way still. It would be his luck to be completely caught off guard and found out, and then he wouldn't have a fighting chance. There was nowhere to hide if he followed the road, after all; the trees weren't that close and there weren't nearly enough to hide him.

As a result, he continued past the edge of the road and kept walking until he finally found the old hospital grounds. It was one that hadn't been in operation for many years, since it was relatively old and run down anyway, so he didn't need to worry about being caught there. Instead, he could use it as a shortcut to get to where he needed to be. It was right on the outskirts of the village and took him to the other entrance, which wasn't usually used by the village since it was inconvenient to get to.

It looked a lot different to how he remembered from his childhood. They specialised in child healthcare back when Jeonghan was younger, so the walls were all painted with bright colours and had cartoon characters slapped on every surface. The grass was always kept at the perfect length for families with critically ill children to still be able to have picnics outside when it was warm, and in general, the hospital was incredibly inviting. Since then, though, it had taken a huge turn for the worst. He walked straight through the courtyard, trying his hardest to ignore the disappointment when his nostalgia was shot down by the sight of exposed wooden boards, chipped paint and the overgrown lawn. It was hard to look at it without feeling his heart sinking in his chest.

Then again, the village looked different, too. 

It was strange, since they were only there a couple of years ago for their wedding, but the village looked as if it had been completely abandoned. Jeonghan felt a shiver run up his spine as he started to walk down the streets, keeping to one side as much as possible so that he would have somewhere to hide if someone did come out to attack him. It didn't look real in the slightest; he would have understood if it was just that no one was on the streets, since work hadn't finished in the city just yet and most children would still be in school, but the abandoned cars were telling him that something was very wrong. It wasn't even as if they had been neatly parked, either. Some of the cars had been abandoned in the middle of the street, others were mounting the curbs, and some were even positioned across both lanes. Jeonghan had a strange feeling that the village must have gone through something drastic, which did tempt him to turn around and find somewhere else to seek shelter, but then again he figured that it was safer to be where no people were around to see him, rather than edging dangerously close to areas with high numbers of people.

No, the idea of leaving was ridiculous. Even if he didn't need to worry about the number of people who could be out to hurt him or his children, his rescuers wouldn't know where to look for him. Jinho specifically told him to go to the village and wait for help, and Jeonghan fully trusted that his husband would find a way to get someone there to help him out. He would just need to keep his guard up in order to ensure that he wouldn't do something that would prove to be putting all of his efforts to waste. Jeonghan searched for a sheltered place to sit with the babies for the moment, so that they would be able to hide if they needed to do so, and then promptly began to make himself comfortable where they were.

And then they waited.

Jeonghan hadn't really thought of how Jinho would be able to send someone to them until he was actually in the village itself. The state of it suggested that help wouldn't be arriving anytime soon either, and whilst he didn't care so much that he wouldn't be able to eat for a while, he didn't really want it to affect his children. If he didn't get food, he didn't produce enough milk, so his babies would be suffering as well. He could already see Gu grabbing the air in her tiny fists as she began to grow frustrated by not being able to feed, but he was instantly concerned that she would milk him dry before he could find a way to produce sustainable levels of food for her. For a while, he considered going in search of some food so that he could at least guarantee that she would get milk in the morning too, but then she began to wail loudly in exasperation as she tried to tug the front of his jumper down to reveal his nipple and Jeonghan finally gave in. He couldn't deny it anymore when she was getting so annoyed with him, so he simply lifted the jumper up to reveal his bare skin, then allowed her to latch on.

He had just offered the other side to Myungseok when a noise suddenly caught his attention. Jeonghan didn't quite know whether to move towards it or not, just in case it was a trap or something, and so his better reasoning led him to shrink back into the shadows as he waited for some evidence to tell him if it was safe to investigate the noise. For a moment there was complete silence again and he sat like a deer in headlights, but then eventually two men came into the light where he could see them. They were looking around for something with large guns in hand, which had scared Jeonghan to start with until something else caught his eye.

As they split off from each other to explore independently, the younger of the two men made his way closer to where Jeonghan was hiding. He could see a red patch on one of his sleeves once he was close enough. It was the exact same patch that Jinho wore, if he was correct; either they worked with him or Jinho had made sure that they would wear it in order to capture Jeonghan's attention. The man called out to check if anyone was nearby and the adrenaline suddenly hit Jeonghan hard as he realised that it was time to move to safety.

"I'm here! I... I have two children with me, please help us!" Jeonghan shifted his jumper so that it was covering more of his skin, then wrapped his arms around the babies before making his way into the light. He watched as the young man's eyes shifted to the floor upon noticing that he was nursing his children, but then the man gave a bow before trying his hardest to move his gaze to Jeonghan's face.  
"Sorry, I suppose this is a bad time," he said quietly, offering up a slight smile, and Jeonghan couldn't help but laugh.  
"It's fine; they're just hungry. They haven't been fully weaned just yet."

"Uh, well... We have some emergency food in the truck, if you'd like to come with me. I don't suppose you've been out here for too long, but it's always good to have something to keep your energy up." Jeonghan gave a nod of understanding as he allowed the man to lead him towards the truck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually mapped this out on my new writing Tumblr blog if anyone is interested. The link is: https://camelabrakedabra.tumblr.com/post/166616755221/just-a-little-handmaid-thing-its-planned-out-in  
> Yeah, it's mapped in Cambridge instead of Seoul, but I knew the area a lot better (even better than my hometown) and could tell what was a street and what would have been a safe route to go down at the time, plus I needed to work out the distances and all that sort of thing. Please just pretend that it's Seoul instead, just a bit bigger in scale maybe??
> 
> I'm really curious to know whether anyone is getting any of the symbolism that's going on or whether everything will end up being a surprise when it all happens, but please let me know if you do understand any of it!! Remember, every word is chosen very specifically for particular effects!!
> 
> Also stay tuned for the next chapter - it's where the second Seventeen member is introduced!!
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	7. Assessment

Jeonghan gave the men his full trust right from the start, especially when they gave him the food straight away and offered him a blanket to be able to nurse his babies without feeling as if he was smothering them with his jumper. He wrapped it around them all then lifted his jumper up to give them room to breathe, before turning his attention to the man in front of him. They were about the same age, from what Jeonghan could tell but the man seemed to look a lot more youthful. Perhaps it was down to the fact that he wasn't tied down by anything and didn't appear to be a carrier for children. Although he loved his children and wouldn't want a life aside from being a mother, Jeonghan found himself feeling somewhat envious of the man's apparent freedom.

"Could you tell me where exactly we're going?" Jeonghan asked as he and the man finally made eye contact. He was faced with a warm, genuine smile that made him feel as if he was in safe hands, and suddenly he felt as if he would enjoy it wherever they went to. Even if they were to go to the slums, he would be relieved to at least have somewhere safe to stay.  
"We're going into the city," he admitted with a smile, noting how Jeonghan's face twitched slightly upon hearing it, "There's a safe place where we can rest, although we're hoping that we can move everyone soon enough. Does that sound good to you?"

Jeonghan could hardly say that it sounded good, but it did sound decent. When he said that he wouldn't mind going anywhere, he hadn't exactly thought that the city would be the first place that they were heading, but he supposed at least he was hidden in the back of the back of a van that probably wouldn't raise enough alarm bells with the guards for a full search. It looked like a typical delivery van, which was a relief, so they could probably get in and out with absolute minimal problems.  
"Where are we planning on going after that?" Jeonghan finally asked after taking a moment to think about the information that he was presented with. He watched as the guy seemed to consider it for a while, before giving a little shrug.  
"Perhaps Daegu. Maybe Busan. I don't know, really."

Busan seemed like a nice place to raise his children, Jeonghan figured. It wasn't really going to be perfect without Jinho to make sure that their children grew up in a very typical nuclear family, but he guessed that it was away from the main issues in their society. The Handmaid program was run in Seoul, which was his main cause of concern, so getting as far away from there as possible was ideal for him.

It had sparked some conversation about the other cities as soon as they passed the main border into the city. Jeonghan made sure to point out that he'd never really had the opportunity to travel or see any other part of Korea, and the man sweetly informed him that he would definitely get the chance to do so once they were able to move out of the city. It was going to be nice for him to be able to experience that, and there was even a chance that he would end up living on the complete opposite end of the country to Seoul. That seemed like the best case, as far as Jeonghan was concerned, so he dropped in a playful comment about how he would love to be able to go to the other side of the country, before playfully asking if flirting would result in a better placement. The man laughed before pointing out that Jeonghan had a husband, and then the conversation quickly ran dry again.

It wasn't too long before the van completely stopped. Jeonghan made sure to adjust himself when that was the case, having not realised until he was close to getting out of the van that the babies had stopped suckling him. He was relieved that they had drunk their fill before they reached their destination. It was a lot harder to carry them when he was nursing them, especially since he didn't want to take forever to get out of the van upon arrival. As much as it was a struggle without his wrap to keep either of them strapped to his chest, he managed to get out of the van with both of his children safely in his arms and then waddled towards the nearby building to stop them from slipping.

Myungseok, in particular, seemed to be interested in the surrounding area. He looked around as they walked together, pointing out everything along the way, from the bobble-head dog on the dashboard of one of the vans and the cypress trees dotted around the area. Jeonghan made sure to talk to him about them as they walked, in hopes that it would calm his own nerves and keep his son occupied.

Eventually, they reached the door to the building. It was on the opposite side to where they parked, annoyingly, but when they reached the entrance Jeonghan was instantly greeted by three women in knee-length, long-sleeved dresses. They were wearing tights underneath and little brown ankle boots, and they all had their hair in buns with a flower hat on top. It all looked incredibly Western; the dresses were very similar to the dresses that were worn in America in the 1950s, and the hat looked like a mix between a wartime nurse cap and a witch's hat. Jeonghan couldn't really judge them too much, though, as they seemed to be incredibly friendly and warm from the moment they saw him.

"Welcome to your temporary home," the one in the middle said to him as she offered up a warm smile. She moved as if to shake his hand before realising that both of his hands were full, and then let out a laugh as she apologised to him. "We just need to do some check ups on your health before we start, if that's okay. Do you mind if we put your children in the creche for a while, just so that we can get the process started quicker? We have trained nannies who can come out and meet you if that would ease your mind."  
"How come I have to have a health check?" he asked defensively as soon as the woman finished speaking. It was clear that she was aware of his discomfort, but she still offered up a smile as she began to explain.

It was precautionary, apparently. There to make sure that they were aware of any problems that anyone had. If someone was sick, they would be able to get it sorted straight away, and if they found out that they had some surprise pregnancies amongst the group of people who were supposed to be escaping the city, they would put special measures in place so that they were comfortable. In general, it was just a way to make sure that everyone's needs were catered for. Of course, that put Jeonghan's mind at rest quite significantly; he wanted to get that over and done with as quickly as possible, and was quick to kiss Myungseok and Gu goodbye before allowing the two other women to take one each. 

The first woman immediately led him through to the waiting area, where around twenty other men and women were already waiting. A few seemed to be rather distressed by the fact that they were all put into a small room together to wait for their examination, but Jeonghan figured that it was just nerves over the idea that the results could show a medical condition that they weren't aware of.

It was a rather quick process for the actual medical examination. They were all made to remove all of their clothing and lay it in a pile nearby so that they could have full body examinations, and they were promptly patted down by doctors, who checked for any signs of obvious physical problems. Next, they were allowed time to shower and were then redressed into medical-style downs. The urine, swab and blood tests followed shortly after, and then they were sent in for a psychological assessment whilst the results were being checked over by the doctors in the building. Everything up until that point was relatively easy, as far as Jeonghan was concerned, but talking to a complete stranger about his feelings was a completely different story. He was a bit wary when he first entered the room but it had been specifically set up like a living room, rather than a clinic. There were coffee and biscuits on the table ready for him, and a big sofa for him and the clinician to sit on.

She was already seated when he entered the room and was quick to invite him to join her. Jeonghan made his way straight over in hopes that it would hide the fact that he was incredibly nervous about it, but she was quick to start talking to him like a friend as soon as he was comfortable. It was just the usual things; how his journey was, how his children had taken it and whether he was glad to be staying somewhere safe. They all had obvious answers, but the small talk was enough to calm him down before the real questions began.

"Now, we're going to try to get this over with as quickly as we can so that you can get back to wish your children a goodnight before bed. Have you had any changes to your regular mood lately?" It was straight to the point, but Jeonghan found that he was more fond of that sort of approach.  
"I have been a lot more tired since I gave birth to my daughter and I'm not sure that it's necessarily to do with being a mother of two," he admitted as he grabbed for the mug. From the moment it was in his hands, Jeonghan knew that it was going to become his crutch, especially when the clinician seemed to be a bit concerned.

"Would you like to tell me more about that, Jeonghan?"  
"I've had a significant loss of energy and even though I've been sleeping well, I'm still exhausted when I wake up in the morning. I can probably sleep up to around fourteen hours every day." It felt strange to be confessing that out loud, but he was relieved to see that the clinician seemed to understand what he meant.  
"Are there any other changes that you can think of?"

Jeonghan had to think for a while before he could come up with any significant changes, but they were rather big ones as far as he was concerned. "I've lost quite a bit of weight, but I think it's because I forget to eat. I've gone from having extreme pregnancy cravings to not really being that hungry, so I think that might be the cause of it. Other than that, the only thing I can think of is..." He had to stop himself when he realised what he was about to say to her. It all seemed way too personal for him to talk about, especially with a stranger.  
"Please tell me. There's no way that I can help if you don't let me know how you feel," she told him. It still took an extra push to get him to say what was on his mind, though, and the words came out in a struggled manner.

"I... My husband and I haven't had sex in four months. We tried around a month after Gu was born, but I couldn't get into it. I suppose I was just too tired to be bothered by it. I felt guilty, though, and told him that he could do it whilst I was asleep. You know, since a man has needs and all."  
"Has anything else made you feel guilty like that?" It seemed as if she was pushing towards a particular idea by that point, but Jeonghan was still trying to figure out what was on her mind.  
"I suppose the way I act around my children. Gu can't help being so loud and she doesn't understand that the stress and fatigue leave me feeling really down, and then I feel bad when I get angry with her over her behaviour. Then I feel bad about how I treat Myungseok because he's so quiet and I forget to give him attention a lot of the time. There have been times where I've even forgotten to make him breakfast until I feel him trying to latch onto my chest, and then I feel awful because I'm such an inconsiderate mother towards him."

That seemed to be enough. She instructed him to finish up his coffee and take some biscuits whilst she checked on his physical report, and then she would be back in to give him a run-down of everything.

Just ten minutes later, Jeonghan was left feeling completely and utterly numb as he made his way out of the assessment room. He let autopilot take over as he went to the nursery and kissed Gu and Myungseok goodnight, before going through to his own bunk. He didn't even care that he was the last one to finish, which had resulted in him having to share a bed with another guy. Without a word, he slipped under the covers and turned his back to the guy as he let the pain in his heart spill out.

Apparently, the guy could see the slight shaking of his shoulders as the tears fell, as he whispered a gentle apology for if he was getting to be too close before slowly moving closer to hug Jeonghan's back. "Bad diagnosis, huh? I completely understand how you're feeling. I was separated from my pregnant boyfriend and I've just been diagnosed with severe anxiety. And they don't even care; they just want to get me on some pills as soon as possible instead of letting me be with him again." Jeonghan could feel the stranger's words starting to get to him more and more as he spoke but for some reason, he couldn't find it in him to turn the guy away when he was trying to help.

Instead, he turned to face him and moved forward to hide his face against the guy's shoulder. He felt both arms slowly move to wrap around him, and then one slowly moved to stroke his hair. The guy gently hummed to him until his shaking calmed, and then allowed him to distance himself slightly. "I'm sorry," Jeonghan breathed as he tried to dry his hands on the sleeve of his medical robe, but the guy offered up a warm smile as he insisted that it was completely fine. "I've been diagnosed with postnatal depression and it's sort of confirmed to me that I'm a bad parent for my children," he confessed, which immediately drew a look of panic out of the stranger. For a moment, Jeonghan was convinced that the guy was judging him for his diagnosis, but instead he simply shook his head and insisted that it wasn't something that he should judge himself for.

He told Jeonghan that his mother had experienced postnatal depression and her symptoms had continued until his sister was three years old, but she was still the best mother in the world. He recalled knowing that something was wrong with her, since she seemed to struggle with a lot of daily tasks but it was very clear that she still loved them a lot. That was what stood out to him as he grew up, and he was absolutely certain that Jeonghan's children would still love him regardless of his diagnosis, too.

That had resulted in more crying again. Jeonghan hadn't been comforted so well by anyone before in his life, so it was a rather new experience to have someone talking to him in such a positive, helpful manner. The man didn't even get angry at him over it; instead he simply wiped Jeonghan's tears again and offered him more hugs until he finally calmed down again.

"Now, I think we should get some sleep to take our minds off this. We're supposed to be moving to a different place outside of the city in the morning. Do you want me to cuddle you, or would that be too inappropriate?" Jeonghan knew that the man was in a relationship and only wanted to be nice to him, so he simply nodded and rolled back over so that the stranger could cuddle into his back. It felt like being home again and would probably be the same for him, which Jeonghan was happy about when he imagined the effects that it would have for both of them. 

He went to wish the guy a goodnight, then promptly realised that he didn't even know his name. He made a point of introducing himself and asking before they both drifted off.

"I'm Hansol. Chwe Hansol."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's the second Seventeen member introduced!! There'll be more in the next chapter, plus some Vernon development, so get ready for everything that's due to come!!
> 
> I'm planning on updating this fic every Monday and Thursday from now on, so you know when to expect chapters, but as a heads up I'll have to take a short break in a few weeks for various reasons - we should be at chapter 20 by that point, so I'll post a reminder closer to the time.
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	8. Training

Their new life had come as a rude awakening the following morning.

There was a raid on their temporary living conditions by the government's guards, and Jeonghan promptly woke to a flashlight shining in his eyes. He flinched away from it, the contrast between the darkness of the room and the brightness of the flashlight leaving his eyes sore, but was then promptly dragged out of bed by his bicep and taken out of the building. For a moment, he was sure that it was just a weird dream since he'd never really expected that something like that would happen in safe housing, but he realised that it was indeed happening when he noticed Hansol already in the van, trying to fight the anxiety that was eating him alive. He was tossed in and told to take a seat, and then the door was slammed shut and locked from the outside.

Jeonghan made sure to take a seat next to his friend, in hopes that he would be able to take care of him as he was looked after the night before. Yet, he knew what was happening to them all from the moment he was grabbed so tightly like a disobedient child and guessed that there would be people or cameras around to track what was happening in the van. Perhaps there was someone who hadn't been at the safe house watching them, and they hadn't noticed the extra person alongside them because it felt as if they should be there. Jeonghan didn't quite know, but he wasn't prepared to risk his or Hansol's lives for something like that.

He slowly moved his hand down to Hansol's and interlocked their fingers, but made sure to make it as subtle as possible by strategically moving their hands where the fabric of their gowns would cover them. He rubbed circles on the skin until he felt Hansol's body start to relax, and then flashed a quick glance at him. "I promise it'll be okay," Jeonghan whispered, trying to keep his mouth as still as possible in the process, "Just focus on breathing and everything will be okay."

They kept their fingers locked for the entire journey until they were finally taken out of the van and tossed into what looked like an old military bunker. It was a good few miles away from the city, although Jeonghan couldn't quite pinpoint where they were exactly. For as long as physically possible, he tried to continue holding Hansol's hand, but eventually they were forced to break apart as one of the women from the facility caught them and swiftly started towards them. They were both given a warning for that and informed that if they were found touching each other again, they would deserve everything that was coming for them. Jeonghan was curious about what that was, but frankly, he wasn't prepared to test his luck to find out.

It felt as if they were the new kids in a high school. The women went through the rules, making sure to point out exactly what they were and weren't allowed to do and what the punishment for rule breaking was. They had strict meal and bedtimes, and for a while, they would be buddied up with a more experienced Handmaid so that they would be able to get the hang of it. Since there were only around twenty new Handmaids, they had enough for one-on-one training. Jeonghan was somewhat surprised, though, when they were called upon with the word "you" and sent to another Handmaid with pointing, but it was soon explained to him by his buddy that they lost all sense of individuality as soon as they entered the door.

"I'm your mentor. I was most recently Ofminjoon - that was the third housing placement that I've ever had - but obviously, I'm unnamed now that my time there is over, just as you are."  
"What should I call you, then?" Jeonghan asked as he gazed at the Handmaid curiously. There was a moment of silence as he glanced around the room, checking how close the Aunts were, but then a smile flashed on his face.  
"Jisoo, but only when you know that there are no Aunts or Eyes around. You know about Eyes, right?" When Jeonghan gave a nod, Jisoo gave a hum of satisfaction. "What would you like me to call you when we're alone?"  
"Jeonghan, if you will." He smiled warmly before promptly taking a seat on the floor and inviting Jeonghan to do the same.

"I'm going to tell you now; the training process is rather tough. It might completely break you. But the government are so desperate that they pay your host family a lot of money to take care of you. The Marthas will change your bedsheets bi-weekly, and you'll be given delicious food to eat, especially when you're carrying their child." Jeonghan's eyebrows shot up when he heard it. Even though they were given money for housing their Handmaid, he'd assumed that the family would bank the money and give their Handmaid the bare minimum.  
"Have you ever had a bad experience, though?" he asked, knowing full well that it probably wasn't sunshine and rainbows, and of course Jisoo checked around the room again before answering.

"I'm not supposed to tell you about that, but my first Wife got incredibly jealous about the fact that I was carrying her husband's child, so she locked me in my room for the duration of my pregnancy. There's a little bit more to the story, but I'm a bit embarrassed to tell you that just yet. Perhaps I'll explain more to you if you need some comfort in the future and I'm back here as well. But most of them are incredibly nice, I promise." It left Jeonghan longing to find out more information, but he wasn't prepared to push it too much to find out what he wanted to know. After all, it genuinely seemed as if Jisoo felt awkward about the situation, whatever it was that happened, and the last thing that Jeonghan wanted to do was to push it too far. The Handmaid seemed to be particularly lovely, so he wanted to become his friend without royally screwing it up.

Eventually, it got to the point where they were supposed to be starting the more formal training. Jisoo was still going to be there to help out and guide him through the process as time went on but apparently, it was relatively self-explanatory. He just had to copy what the other Handmaids were doing, and the Aunts would be fairly lenient with him for the first two or three days until he was used to the process.

Jeonghan was relieved when he found that the early part of the training involved Bible readings. He wasn't particularly religious and but it was easy enough. Yet, he had been naive enough to expect the other sessions to be similar in intensity, seeing as the other Handmaids seemed to be calm and not at all bothered by everything that was going on around them. It looked like it would be a daily occurrence to be going through Bible studies and such, which seemed like it would be tedious but straightforward enough. It therefore came as a shock when the next part of the training involved watching a video and Jeonghan caught a wince from one of the older Handmaids. Still, he didn't expect it to be that bad but then it began, and he soon found out that it was a considerable jump up from the readings.

He had assumed, from the fact that it started out with a man and a woman sitting next to each other, that it would be based on relationships in some way. Perhaps it was showing the new aims in society, he thought; nuclear families and the old-fashioned ideals in which a man worked for the family and a woman would cook, clean and raise the children. That was how it appeared to be to start with, but then within the space of a minute they were shredding off each other's clothes and pressing their bodies together. Jeonghan felt his heart rise into his throat as he watched it; in the past, any nudity and sexuality was taboo on television, and pornography was banned, so he was shocked to see it being played to all of the future Handmaids so readily.

The sex was brutal. It involved the man slamming his hips against the woman's mouth, as if it was a toy, and then breeding her like some animal. In fact, it only got worse when a Handmaid was eventually introduced into the equation. It was apparently a replication of a ceremony between the couple and their Handmaid, in which they were getting straight to it, but while the couple got to work, the Handmaid stood watching until it was their turn to join in. Eventually, it got to the point where the couple wanted to continue with the Handmaid, which involved them laying on top of the woman with her holding pinning their thighs apart, and the man promptly mounted them to get to work. It was just as rough as the first video, although the Handmaid was completely silent the entire time as the woman screamed in place for them, but this recording lasted significantly longer. Jeonghan tried to draw his eyes away from the screen, but he was being dragged back by the fact that he wanted to know that the Handmaid was okay after the sex.

It was a relief, as a result, when all of that was over. Jeonghan felt disgusting after watching that, having not ever felt the urge to watch any pornography before and had quickly decided that he would prefer not to have to watch it ever again. It was something that he definitely could have done without in his lifetime, having never even been curious about that sort of thing, but of course, he knew that they would probably be watching those videos until they were ingrained into their minds.

That was only enforced further with a circle of shame that followed. Jeonghan hated the thought of it as soon as it the Aunts proposed it, but Jisoo hissed under his breath that he needed to join in, as not to get beaten for it. It was a necessary part of the training process, even though it felt disgusting to encourage that sort of behaviour.

In turn, each of the Handmaids went into the centre of the circle to confess their sins. They would then receive feedback from the other Handmaids, usually in the form of yelling or spitting at them. It was supposed to make them realise that they needed to change, although Jeonghan did think that it was counterproductive from a psychological perspective. There were a variety of sins from new and old Handmaids; one confessed to sleeping with her boss in hopes of getting pregnant, one revealed that they tried to abort the product of an affair with a vitamin C megadose, another admitted to sleeping with multiple men in hopes of conceiving twins. Hansol eventually moved to the centre of the circle to confess his sin - he impregnated another potential Handmaid, in hopes of raising a family together - and then it was Jisoo's turn.

"I slept with my childhood best friend out of wedlock, and we had a child together," he announced as he braced himself for the slurs that were due to follow. It was a different side to Jisoo, in comparison to what Jeonghan had seen earlier that afternoon; he was just taking it as if it was something that was deserved. In fact, it looked as if he was dissociating to an extent. His eyes glazed over and he seemed to be staring into space as he waited for the group to stop shaming him for what he had done.  
"Where's his Handmaid-in-training?" the Aunt called out to the room as Jisoo moved back towards the outside of the circle.

Jeonghan suddenly felt his knees lock as the Handmaids around him pushed him forwards. For a moment, he found himself unable to get any words out, but the threat of a cattle prod being raised by one of the Aunts was enough to get him to start. "I-I ran away from the hospital and had two children with the first man I found," he stammered, hoping that it would be over soon enough, but naturally he was faced with the exact same treatment as everyone else. Spitting, cursing him, calling him every slur under the sun. His already barely existent self-esteem was dropping closer and closer to nil with each word that spilled out of the mouths of the other Handmaids, only to be made worse when the Aunt looked him directly in the eyes and told him that he was a waste of a potentially great Handmaid and a disgrace to their country.

That stuck with Jeonghan for days. Every time they did that part of the training, he could feel himself feeling lower and lower until eventually, it felt as if it was breaking him. He could feel the stress building up inside of him every night when he went to bed but successfully managed to hold it together for about a week until his feelings all hit at once. They were the feelings about his ill-treatment and the fact that he wouldn't see Jinho again. Deep down, he knew that his children were better off with a rich family who would protect them from the Handmaid's fate, but he couldn't help feeling even lower when he thought about them. He had said such harsh things about Gu during his interview and Myungseok was just starting to call him 'mommy', and it just felt awful that he didn't even have the time to miss them until he was curled up in his bed at night.

Jeonghan was ugly when he cried. As soon as the tears began to fall, his nose would get blocked, and he would be forced to breathe out of his mouth. His lower lip would tremble with every tear that rolled down his cheeks, and his eyes would puff up red, making it increasingly evident that he'd been crying even an hour or two after he'd finished crying. The tears didn't even look pretty on his cheeks; they would leave stained trails on his pale skin and would leave his cheeks looking chubby as they dribbled towards his chin. It was the raw emotion that had hit him hard, and he had no need to make it look beautiful.

The sniffles had easily attracted Hansol's attention, though. Despite the minor slip up where they were almost punished for holding hands, they had still somehow managed to bag a bed next to each other in the dorm. It was a large room with very little personal space since the camping beds were all set up in rows and just gave enough room for the Aunts to walk down the rows and columns. That was both a blessing and a curse; while Jeonghan was generally very protective of his space, it also meant that his friend could reach out for his hand between the beds. Jeonghan accepted the gesture, allowing their hands to drop into the walkway as soon as their fingers locked.

"You're really hurting, aren't you?" Hansol whispered as he stroked his friend's hand, "I mean, they did checks on you and they said you have depression, so they shouldn't be treating you so badly."  
"It's postnatal; it's not supposed to trickle outside of the child-rearing side to life, is it?" Jeonghan asked, finding that he struggled to whisper back when he was already struggling to breathe. It attracted the attention of one of the Aunts, so they were forced to withdraw their hands for a few seconds until she walked past them, but then they moved back together as soon as it was safe to do so.

"Postnatal doesn't mean that it's baby related, but that it's come after childbirth. It's supposed to be hormones or something, I think. And besides, you don't know what's happened to your husband or kids; that's big enough to make it develop into full-blown depression, Jeonghan." Jeonghan felt his stomach twisting. Hansol was right, but Jeonghan didn't really want to admit that. "Hey, do you think we could get away with you coming over into my bed when the Aunts have finished their rounds?" Hansol asked when there was no immediate reply. Jeonghan shook his head and pointed out that they still had guards dotted around to make sure that no one got out of bed. "Maybe tomorrow we can find some time to slip away and cuddle in the bathroom. In a platonic way, of course."

It sounded perfect if Jeonghan was being completely honest. He gave a nod, paired with another sniffle, then lifted their hands up so that he could kiss the back of his friend's hand in a way that showed the genuine appreciation he had for him. Hansol was the one who was going to keep him sane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear Hansol and Jisoo aren't bad!! I can't promise anything for any other characters but those two mean well!!
> 
> Anyhoo, next chapter is the one with the first pairings starting to emerge, so there's that to look forward to!! On top of that, there might be some fluff here and there in the next few chapters~
> 
>  
> 
> *****EDIT: It was pointed out that I forgot to include the children with this bit and it seemed like a big enough plot hole to change a few bits near the end of the chapter. I forgot to add the bit with a rich family getting the children and that being something that is well-known in the Handmaid community. I might go into more detail about that at a later date, but I'm really trying to keep to very specific word limits for aesthetic purposes so it's something that's just touched upon at the moment.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Also, just to lighten the mood a bit more after this edited update, I'm going to point out that all of the non-Seventeen character names are Easter eggs and I'll start out by telling you all the trivia for Jinho. Originally, he was Jeonghan's second to last husband in this fic idea after Han retired as a Handmaid, but he ended up dying from something similar to SADS. He wasn't actually similar to this Jinho whatsoever and did everything to make Jeonghan happy, even going so far as to lie for him in order to stop one of Jeonghan's friends from getting the death penalty for crimes against the government.*****
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	9. Ofseokmin

It was an absolute relief when Jeonghan was finally sent off to live with a Commander and his Wife. He had been in training for two whole months by that point, and if it hadn't already broken him, it would be getting to that point soon enough. It had been tough trying to get through it all, in particular with the amount of hardcore pornography and slut-shaming that happened on a daily basis, but by the end of his time in the dorms he'd managed to pull through just fine.

It had still come as a shock when he was told that he was going to start his first placement. One of the Aunts had excitedly taken him through to a small office to break the news to him. It was especially great because he had been chosen rather than assigned. His Commander was especially high up in the military, having recently gotten a promotion despite only being in his early twenties and having accumulated less than three years of experience. High-ranked military staff as young as this guy were relatively uncommon; the Wives tended to be younger, usually aged between twenty and twenty-five, but the Commanders were generally nearing thirty by the time their Wife wanted to start a family. With this particular couple, they had just received notice that the Wife was infertile, and so they immediately went in search of a Handmaid. The sweet part was that the Commander gave his Wife some say in which Handmaid they would have. It was Jeonghan's doe eyes that had drawn them in; the both the Commander's and the Wife's eyes were rather small and so they hoped that Jeonghan would be able to provide them with attractive-looking children.

That afternoon, he became a Handmaid for the first time.

With it being his first placement, an Aunt went with him so that he could learn the process of meeting the Commander and his Wife. He was given his first set of red robes now that his training was over and was sent to get ready before their departure. Jeonghan wasn't all too happy about that part; the robe looked remarkably like a dress, and there was even a long veil at the back to hide his hair and neck. It felt too feminine, like they were trying to force him to be a woman and strip him of his identity even further. Even the fabric, a polycotton blend, didn't feel too right against his skin, and he could already feel that it was starting to restrict his arm movements. Yet, there wasn't much that he could do about it, as it was his job to throw himself into this placement with everything that he could and provide his Commander with the happiness that a child brought along. 

Once he was dressed, the Aunt led him straight to a van, which was supposed to be transporting them to the Commander's house. Her small talk on the way to the house was rather awkward, since it was about babies for the first half of the journey and reminding him of his responsibilities for the second half, so he was absolutely relieved when they finally arrived. They were greeted by a young girl in a green robe, who Jeonghan figured was probably one of the household's Marthas, and then they were led through to the Commander's office.

The office was a lot different to what Jeonghan had expected. They had only walked down one long hallway when they arrived in the house, which wasn't exactly representative of how the house would be laid out or how it would be decorated. The office, however, had an incredibly rustic style. There were two large lamps on opposite sides of the room, plus one small lamp on the Commander's desk. The windows stretched from floor to ceiling on one wall of the room, spare for a couple of inches at the top and bottom, and they emphasised the reliance on natural light to keep the place feeling homely. The desk itself was small and simple with shelves instead of drawers for the Commander to store his files. There was a stack of books on the edge of the desk with a laptop computer right in the centre.

Looking around the room, Jeonghan noticed more books scattered around. There were a few on a side table in the bottom right corner of the room, right beside a plush chair, and then a wall of them behind the desk. It looked magnificent; Jeonghan had never seen so many books in his entire life, especially not ones that seemed so antique. The shape of the leather-bound spines suggested that they were from long before the fertility crisis began, although he wasn't so familiar with books that he would be able to pinpoint exactly when they were written.

Finally, his eyes were drawn to the Commander and his Wife. The Commander himself was just a fraction taller than Jeonghan and was relatively attractive, with a charismatic smile and good facial proportions. He was wearing a pressed military suit and was gripping his Wife's hand tightly, showing how nervous he was for Jeonghan's arrival despite the fact that he was trying to play it off by leaning coolly against his desk. His Wife, on the other hand, didn't seem impressed at all. He was about an inch shorter than his husband and wasn't smiling in the slightest. Jeonghan put it down to the fact that they were inviting someone new into their house and he didn't know how to react to that, but he quickly found himself feeling wary around the Wife.

The Commander introduced himself as Seokmin and his Wife as Soonyoung. He explained that they had been in a relationship for six years and had been married for two, and they were looking to start their family together. Jeonghan had the pleasure of being their first Handmaid, and they fully trusted that he would be able to give them the family that they had always wanted. Seokmin then suggested that perhaps Soonyoung could take Jeonghan on a tour of the house before taking him through to his bedroom, but then the Wife promptly snapped his head to stare hard at him, leading his husband to take it back in a matter of seconds. Perhaps the Marthas were actually a lot better at giving tours, he suggested, since they could remember the routine a lot better than his Wife did. Soonyoung was generally too tired to be bothered with the Marthas' roles in the house, as it was a lot to keep on top of, and by that point the Marthas knew what they were expected to do anyway.

Jeonghan was quickly whisked out of the room by the Wife, who insisted that the Aunt should head home now that Jeonghan understood how to meet a Commander and Wife. It wasn't necessary for her to hang around for too long when Jeonghan would probably be tired from the journey and needed to get his strength back up in the privacy of his bedroom. Of course, the Aunt promptly left, and Soonyoung took Jeonghan straight through to his bedroom, which was on the complete opposite side of the house. As he walked, he made sure to stride several steps ahead so that Jeonghan was struggling to keep up, and Jeonghan figured that it was a little bit passive-aggressive in an attempt to make him realise that he was probably picked because he was the best of a bad situation.

He was given an hour to wash himself down and get used to his new living space before the Marthas would call him for dinner, then once they were finished eating, he would get his tour. The ceremony would be in five days, giving him enough time to settle down into his new environment, and Soonyoung expected him to clean himself inside and out before they went to the bedroom so that he, his husband and their bed didn't smell like the natural scent of Jeonghan's pheromones. At that point, Soonyoung bowed his head slightly before leaving the room, and Jeonghan was suddenly faced with complete silence for the first time in a long time.

Honestly, despite Soonyoung's mannerisms and the fact that he spoke down to him, Jeonghan didn't think that he meant any harm. He was merely a victim of circumstance; for whatever reason, he couldn't carry a child, and it was something that left him feeling self-conscious. It was a big thing in their society, and unfortunately having a Handmaid meant that it was obvious to everyone else that he was infertile, too. It was embarrassing for a lot of people, Jeonghan supposed. Then there were the issues that came alongside inviting another person into his house, so that he could watch his husband spreading that person's thighs and slamming forward so that their bodies met with force. It was meant to mimic mating, so Soonyoung would be left to drown in the sound of skin slapping and the sensation of his husband's thrusts making another person squirm on top of him. Jeonghan would have certainly felt the same way if he had to pin another man's thighs open and watch Jinho filling him with his seed, too, so he could hardly judge Soonyoung's defensive attitude.

It did bother him, however, that his preconceptions about being a Handmaid were being skewed so soon into the placement. Of course, there was that part of him that had been reluctant right from the moment that he received the implant, as he was concerned that it would be like a prison sentence, but he'd spent so many weeks talking with the more experienced Handmaids, trying to get rid of those negative thoughts. They had successfully managed to get him to feel as if he could actively take pride in his job after he'd gotten over his initial worries about it, but this was bringing his mood straight back down. For starters, he'd been naive enough to think that he would be able to bond with the Wife straight away, seeing as they were both the victims of their circumstances and Jeonghan wanted to take part in the ceremony just as much as Soonyoung did. It was something that they could've bonded over, but apparently, there was little chance of that happening now that Soonyoung had established Jeonghan's place in the household right from the start.

Secondly, there was the issue of his living arrangements.

He couldn't complain about the bed. It had a comfortable memory foam mattress topper on, and the bedsheets were freshly pressed. He was given incredibly soft three pillows, which was perfect seeing as the one that he was given in the dorms was comparable to sleeping on cardboard. It was the rest of the room that was the issue, though. Jeonghan had initially been thrilled to see that he had a bookshelf that was absolutely packed with books, since he was forced to stop reading as soon as he was given his implant, but then when he took one from the shelf, he quickly found that it was just a cover with empty pages inside. Every one of them was the same when he opened them, and it became strikingly obvious that the bookshelf was merely there to make the room feel more homely.

Next to his bed was a small wardrobe, but as expected it just contained six new Handmaid uniforms, two fresh pairs of gloves, a spare veil and two towels. He instantly felt his heart sinking in his chest as he realised that underwear wasn't allowed at his placement, just as it wasn't allowed in the dorms. As a guy who struggled to even go to bed without underwear and bed trousers on, he was disappointed every time he was faced with the fact that his days of feeling cotton protecting his dignity were gone entirely.

Then there was a slight concern with the windows. Jeonghan wasn't allowed to have curtains or blinds on the windows of his bedroom, nor in the small ensuite bathroom. Neither window had frosted glass and they overlooked a modest house behind the main property, which probably belonged to a driver or gardener. It meant that if the person who lived there picked the exact right time to look out of their windows, they could see Jeonghan completely naked through his bedroom or bathroom window. The thought made his skin crawl; he couldn't stand the thought of a complete stranger watching him like that, and it was just made worse by the fact that they would even be able to watch him sleeping if they pleased.

It took a painfully long time for him to push that to the back of his mind for long enough to take his shower. Jeonghan had to check five times to make sure that there were no signs to say that anyone was watching him get disrobed, and only then could he toss his clothes to the floor and clamber into the shower.

He was thankful that it had hot water, as the shower at the dorm was almost always cold by the time it came to his turn. He let out a deep sigh, allowing the water to run over his crown as he thought everything through, and he must've been there for a good five or so minutes before he realised that he probably needed to clean himself up properly. Luckily, there was a two-in-one shower gel and shampoo bottle already there for him, and while it certainly wasn't his sort of thing to use a multi-use product like that, he guessed that it was more for convenience than anything. He made sure to scrub himself, even going inside his navel and behind his ears, just so that he could feel clean for the first time in forever. The suds washed out of his hair and down his back as he rubbed slow circles on his scalp with his fingertips, and for once he felt fresh, despite the fact that the soap was scent-free and relatively cheap. It was just the idea of the soap and water washing away his problems, he figured, so it was good enough for him.

Jeonghan made sure to dry himself off as best as possible while he was still stood in the shower, figuring that at least the remains of the steam would be able to cover up his more intimate areas while he prepared himself to get into a clean uniform. It took a while for his body to feel like it was sufficiently dried; the towels weren't the best for drying, especially since he had last cut his hair just before Gu was born so his hair was particularly long. It was frustrating to keep having to frantically rub clumped strands between his hands to dry them, only made worse by the fact that it always left his hair knotted afterwards. He wasn't allowed a comb in this placement, so he was rather careful as not to get his hair too tangled.

The uniform was slipped on with his back to the window, just in case the person who lived in the house was suddenly coming home or something. Luckily, getting dressed was a rather quick process, so he didn't have to worry about being exposed for too long, but Jeonghan new straight away that it was something that he was going to have to get used to over time. Once he was ready, the towel was folded up into a neat square for him to rest his head on while he laid back and relaxed, so that his pillow wouldn't get wet as a result of his poor hair drying skills.

His body still felt damp and sticky as a result of his shower, but Jeonghan didn't know whether he was all that bothered by it anymore. It was a sign that he had the opportunity to wash up, and that was something that he was happy about. It was a rather strange feeling, since he had more freedom in some ways but less in others, and he didn't know how to handle the mix of the two very well. It was as if he was an adult and a child at the same time; much like that teenage phase where he was caught between the two, he was expected to be grown up and take responsibility for himself, but also follow the requests of Soonyoung and Seokmin while he was living under their roof. It was going to be an experience to have to deal with that again after having left his parents house during his transition to adulthood, but Jeonghan was determined to at least prove that he wasn't a threat to their family life. Perhaps that would mean that his next placement would be aware of the fact that he was only interested in getting the job done and then leaving as soon as possible and he would maybe be able to bond with the Wife instead of feeling like he didn't belong in the house.

It was probably expecting too much, but it was all he had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, here's the first proper pairing!! Just as Jeonghan isn't fond of the arrangement, his Commander and Wife aren't all that fond either, so everyone is in the same boat.
> 
> There's no real trivia with this one, but if I have time tomorrow I might do a sketch of the rooms - absolutely not to procrastinate or anything at all.
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	10. Carrying

The lead up to the ceremony was probably the worst thing that Jeonghan could have possibly imagined.

As much as he could pretend that it was something that he could deal with after all of his training and the build-up to it, it really wasn't. The stand-offish attitude from Soonyoung had left him unable to settle into the house properly, and he could feel himself getting more and more nervous for it as time went on. The days leading up to it dragged and the thoughts of everything that was coming swamped Jeonghan's mind until it was the only thing that consumed his thoughts. His heart was in his throat regularly, and he absolutely hated every minute of it.

On the day, he followed everything that Soonyoung had told him. He found an enema pump left on his bedside table to use, which left him feeling squeamish even though using it probably wasn't that big of a deal. His body would prevent any mess from being made, so it was just a quick wash for Soonyoung's peace of mind, but it still felt as if it was a big thing despite that. Perhaps it was the strange underlying feeling that he could never be clean when another man's husband was about to impregnate him, but regardless, he wasn't all that fond of that feeling. He made sure to scrub himself over and over, even using his nails to make sure that his skin was properly scrubbed, then checked the frequently missed areas too - his navel, behind his ears, at the back of his neck, and his inner thighs.

When he got out of the shower, he could hardly say that he was satisfied with the result, but it would have to do. He snatched up his towel, which Soonyoung had washed especially for the pre-ceremony shower, and proceeded to dry his body in the specified order. He started with the less intimate areas, like his arms and back, then moved to his chest, thighs, and finally his genitals, before flipping the towel over to dry his hair. That was done in an attempt to avoid getting hairs on his body, apparently, but also avoiding contaminating his hair with any bacteria from his more intimate areas. It was alien for him to have such an intense structure, but Jeonghan wasn't prepared to complain when Soonyoung was so set on that order. It didn't hurt him to do it so precisely, even though it was an inconvenience, so he wasn't prepared to go against what was asked of him.

His ceremony veil was quite different to the one that he usually wore during the day. Soonyoung had taken it in with the towel that morning, and Jeonghan hadn't thought much of it until he lifted it to see that it had a sheer red piece at the front, too. He presumed that it was to stop Seokmin from having to look at his face during the ceremony, since that wasn't usually taken too well by the Wives from what he'd heard. There was slight concern about the heat underneath it, but he supposed that the light weight of the fabric over his face meant that it was somewhat breathable, and that was thankfully confirmed as soon as he put it on. His view was obstructed slightly by the fabric too, but it still allowed him to get from his room to the Commander's bedroom with few issues.

Jeonghan was greeted at the bedroom door by Soonyoung, who informed him that Seokmin would be with them in a minute. His voice was low and suggested that he wasn't all that happy about the fact that they were actually about to do the ceremony, but he was still professional about it. Jeonghan decided not to dwell on it in the end and simply entered the room so that he could get himself ready.

He was surprised by the fact that he was actually invited to sit on the edge of the bed while they waited for Seokmin to come in. So far, he'd been denied the opportunity to sit in chairs, and whenever he joined Seokmin and Soonyoung in the main room of their house, he would sit on the floor with his legs tucked underneath him. It was to mimic the position for prayer, apparently, and was standard for Handmaids, so even if his legs felt numb from a lack of circulation, he would be forced to continue. This was completely different, though; there was no expectation to sit in that manner, and he was even allowed to have his legs dangling off the side of the bed.

Finally, Seokmin entered the room, and Soonyoung jolted to attention. He hissed to Jeonghan that they needed to get into position immediately, and so he shifted to lay back on the bed ready. Jeonghan felt a bit awkward about clambering on top of him, and he quickly found that he felt claustrophobic with Soonyoung's body pressed against his back. It was just made worse when the Wife pulled his robe up so that it revealed his lower half, before slipping his hands down to grip at the back of Jeonghan's thighs. They were pulled up to completely expose him to Seokmin, who quite frankly looked uncomfortable as he locked the door and moved towards the bed.

"I tried to make it a bit more lighthearted, but I don't think it worked," he confessed as his fingers hovered over the button of his trousers. Jeonghan could sense Soonyoung's curiosity as he stared at his husband over the Handmaid's shoulder. It wasn't quite as intense as it had been over the past ten or so minutes as Seokmin popped the button and eased down the fly. Yet, the seriousness in the room dropped completely as they both peered over to see that he had what appeared to be an elephant finger puppet on the tip of his erection.

Jeonghan had to fight the urge to laugh. It was only made worse by the fact that Soonyoung was hissing at his husband to be serious, although it was obvious from his tone that he was trying not to laugh, too. Seokmin had erupted into a fit of laughs and wasn't even trying to calm it down until he started to soften again, and so Soonyoung moved Jeonghan to the side for a moment so that he could snatch the puppet off and toss it to one side. Although he insisted to Seokmin that he needed to calm down and get himself fully hard again so that they could get started with the ceremony, there was suddenly no hint of irritation in his voice, and instead, it showed Jeonghan a new side to their relationship.

The way they looked at each other showed genuine love and proved that they weren't in the marriage just because it was proper for a Commander to take a Wife based on appearance. Jeonghan was certain that he wasn't supposed to watch those sorts of intimate moments between a Commander and his Wife, but he found that it was strangely beautiful to witness. Soonyoung quietly tried to get his husband to just get on with the ceremony while Seokmin insisted that they didn't need to rush the conception of their child. He reminded Soonyoung that he was the most important person in his life and they shared a soft kiss before the Wife remembered that Jeonghan was present and pulled away from the contact.

The thought of that moment stuck with Jeonghan as they got back into position. He supposed that watching his husband make a child with someone else might cast some doubt in Soonyoung's mind, as much as he might want to have a family. It was something that Jeonghan wanted to make as easy as possible on Soonyoung, and so he simply relaxed backwards and closed his eyes so that he wasn't focusing on what Seokmin was about to do to him.

He could hear Seokmin slicking himself up as he moved to the edge of the bed, and then one hand pressed down on the mattress while the other guided the length towards Jeonghan's entrance. He felt it slowly start to spread him until Seokmin was buried inside of him, but then he stopped dead still until one of Jeonghan's eyes opened to check on what was causing the delay. There was a look of concern on his face, as if he was worried about causing pain, but when the Handmaid gave the slightest of nods, he took in a deep breath and started to get to work without a word.

Considering the implications of the ceremony and the fact that Jeonghan had come to expect rough breeding, he was surprised to find that Seokmin was incredibly gentle with him. There was no erratic slamming of hips or desperate grabbing at his thighs as the videos had suggested. In fact, Seokmin refrained from touching Jeonghan altogether; his hands stayed respectfully on the bed unless he needed Soonyoung to pull the Handmaid's thighs up again, and even then he simply rubbed his Wife's fingers with the tips of his own. The room was filled with a tense silence, despite the earlier elephant incident.

Jeonghan quickly got used to the rhythm of the thrusts. He didn't know whether he liked it or not, though. Admittedly, Seokmin was thicker than Jinho, and it left Jeonghan feeling stretched every time his Commander thrust against him, but it didn't feel _right_ as such. It didn't exactly feel as if Jeonghan was in his own body while it was happening; he could feel every time that Seokmin pulled out of him and slipped back in, but it was far from enjoyable. Jeonghan supposed that a lot of factors could cause the discomfort; the fact that he was laid on top of Soonyoung, the way that it clearly wasn't for the pleasure of either of them, and the distance that was caused by the use of the veil, to name just a few. It meant that he was forced just to lay there and take it in silence until he felt Seokmin's picking up the pace in response to his approaching climax.

Then he finished inside of him. For a moment, Jeonghan was convinced that he'd missed something, since there were no other indicators that he was close to finishing - no noise or stuttered movements as he'd become familiar with whenever he and his husband would get intimate. When Seokmin encouraged Soonyoung to lift the Handmaid's hips up higher before pulling out, he was concerned that he'd done something wrong and his Commander didn't want to continue with the ceremony, but as he naturally moved to sit up, he felt Soonyoung's grip tighten on his legs. "Don't move or it'll spill out," he breathed, sounding a lot calmer now that it was over, "Seokmin is getting you some pillows. You need to stay on the bed with your hips raise for ten minutes and then the Marthas will be in to help you clean up."

It all happened exactly as Soonyoung had said. The Marthas came in precisely ten minutes after Jeonghan's hips had been raised, and they helped up to clean himself up before informing him that he wouldn't be allowed to shower until the following morning. By that point, his body would've had enough time to adjust, and there was a higher chance of conceiving, apparently.

Following the ceremony, the Wife became highly obsessed with pregnancy tests. He made sure to bring a highly sensitive test to Jeonghan eight days after the ceremony, and then one a day for the next two weeks until it became apparent that he hadn't conceived. Jeonghan had half expected to receive punishment for wasting the first ceremony, considering how uncomfortable Soonyoung seemed to be over it, but instead, Soonyoung just arranged the next ceremony right away. He wasted no time at all, figuring that it just wasn't the right time for the Handmaid to conceive, and so they went through the process once again. Jeonghan scrubbed himself, Soonyoung held his thighs apart, and Seokmin bred him until he finished inside of him again.

It was clear that Soonyoung was getting distressed when he performed the pregnancy test ritual all over again, and there was still no result. Each time Jeonghan took the test, the Wife would be leant over the stick, waiting for it to develop. As much as he tried to avoid making it obvious, he was clearly agitated whenever the result said that he wasn't pregnant, although he got on with everything and arranged for the third ceremony for the following month so that they would cover the last time slot that they hadn't tried just yet.

Jeonghan still had two more attempts after this one, seeing as it was his first placement and his body might have needed to get used to the idea of carrying for someone other than his husband, but honestly, he didn't really want to cut it too close by that point. He just didn't want to leave the Wife feeling unnecessarily anxious. In the end, Seokmin suggested that perhaps Soonyoung's obsessive checking was resulting in stress, which in turn meant that Jeonghan's body wasn't accepting of pregnancy. After all, they had plenty of time to get Jeonghan pregnant, and it was advised that they only do one ceremony per month. Perhaps it would just work out best if they left the pregnancy test until around six weeks after the ceremony, since they could quite easily arrange another ceremony for the following day and still be within that month.

Soonyoung wasn't all too happy about that idea but agreed anyway, and so the pregnancy tests were put away for the moment. It was a painfully long wait for him before he was allowed to check again, and Jeonghan could tell right from the start. He was instead looking for other little signs of pregnancy, such as the curve of Jeonghan's stomach starting to grow in response to the implantation process or the swelling of his chest underneath his robe. He was watching like a hawk the entire time, right up to the point where the signs began to show.

As with Jeonghan's other children, his pregnancy symptoms started out with hyperemesis gravidarum, around four and a half weeks after the ceremony. Seokmin initially thought that his cooking had made Jeonghan sick, but when the Handmaid made eye contact with his Wife, it was clear that they both knew what was wrong. "Have you ever had a child before?" Soonyoung asked as he was helping Jeonghan out the second time he vomited that morning.  
"I'm not supposed to talk about that," the Handmaid pointed out when he felt that he could hold back his sickness enough to reply, which earned a strangely lighthearted laugh from Soonyoung in response.

"You know exactly why I'm asking, though," he pointed out as he ran his fingertips over the hem of Jeonghan's veil. Of course, Jeonghan knew exactly what the Wife meant, and so he gave a little nod.  
"I have a son and a daughter."  
"And you got this both times?" He nodded again and watched as Soonyoung broke into an excited smile. "Is it too soon for me to ask you if you could do a pregnancy test? Once you're feeling up to it, of course. I'm not going to stop you from being sick in order to do that."

Jeonghan let out a sigh, shifting his position so that he could sit properly on his legs. "I think I'm finished now, but I feel disgusting. I hope this isn't stepping out of line, but if you could get me some mouthwash, I'll take the test right away." He knew from that moment that he would have Soonyoung wrapped tightly around his little finger. There was no argument whatsoever; the Wife instantly hopped up and trotted out of the room, then returned with two bottles of mouthwash in hand.  
"I don't know what flavours you like, but I suppose you're probably going to need quite a lot of mouthwash over the next few weeks. Let me know if you need me to get you more, but you have to promise that you'll gargle water to get rid of the smell of it if an Aunt comes over, okay?"

It was a no-brainer, really. The Handmaid wasn't really going to risk getting himself or Soonyoung in trouble if the Wife was bringing him things that he wasn't really supposed to have, just to give him the opportunity to feel clean. It was rather strange, since Soonyoung confessed to never having been pregnant before but was still very good at looking after him. Yet, the defensive attitude remained when they were out in the open where the Marthas and Commander could see, but whenever they were alone in the bathroom together, he would be sweet. Jeonghan figured that he was probably trying to put up a front around everyone else so that it wasn't obvious that he could be caring when it came to this.

It wasn't exactly great, but Jeonghan could work with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to be completely honest, I really needed to stick the elephant puppet in. It was something that was carried over from the original idea, since I doubt that Seokmin would be able to stay completely serious in that sort of situation and there definitely is a romantic relationship between Soonyoung and Seokmin even if it isn't obvious from Han's point of view.
> 
> (In fact, I'm sort of tempted to do a sketch of this for reasons...)
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	11. Mobile

Jeonghan hated the way that his robes fell over his figure when he was pregnant. They made his growing bump incredibly obvious, to the point where other Commanders and Wives would comment on it whenever he was on walks with the neighbouring Handmaid, Ofchan. He would have complete strangers in shops whispering that they wanted to rub it in hushed voices, knowing full well that touching another family's Handmaid wasn't allowed, although in the end, Jeonghan let one or two of the Wives cup his swollen stomach for a moment. It was arguably worth it to see the excitement fill their eyes as they made comments about longing for a child of their own.

It didn't quite feel like his first two pregnancies. When he was carrying Myungseok, he took a while to show signs of pregnancy. His son was tiny when he was born, and so even at eight months pregnant, his bump wasn't exactly huge. Gu, on the other hand, was significantly larger, but he still showed signs quite a lot later. It was only starting to become clear how far along he was at around seven months pregnant.

This time, though, he didn't know what to think. Admittedly, Seokmin was rather tall and broad - not overweight but relatively well-built - so Jeonghan supposed that it might've affected the size of their baby. By the time he was just sixteen weeks into his pregnancy, he was struggling to see his feet past the bump. It was rather uncomfortable, since a lot of people guessed that he was further along than he actually was and it left him feeling as if he was just getting fat as opposed to the baby growing inside of him.

Soonyoung noticed the change of behaviour in him, too, which was probably the last thing that Jeonghan could have possibly wanted. He seemed to be somewhat curious about the side effects of the pregnancy, frankly, and always seemed to be checking up on Jeonghan when he had the opportunity to do so. He was still firm with him in front of everyone else, granted, but then a strange curiosity came out when they were alone together. Jeonghan guessed that it was probably a result of knowing that he would be getting his baby soon enough and it was all starting to become real in front of his eyes, but it eventually seemed to be other things on top of that after a while.

He caught Jeonghan on his way to the kitchen one day and watched as the Handmaid winced in response to being addressed. "What were you going to do?" he asked, and although Jeonghan tried to pretend that he wasn't doing anything, Soonyoung pushed it until eventually, he gave the answer that the Wife wanted.  
"I was going to the kitchen so that I could look at the food. Not eat it, just look."  
"Have you been doing this a lot since you fell pregnant?" Soonyoung asked, and Jeonghan instantly knew that he was going to be scolded for what he'd done. Nevertheless, he gave a slight nod and let his head hang in shame.

"And I've never noticed anything missing, so either you're wonderful at covering it up, or you're honestly just looking."  
"I-I wouldn't ever steal from you or your husband," Jeonghan stammered as he brought his eyes back up to meet the Wife's, in hopes that it would show how genuine he was. "I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I took the food that you bought with money that you actually earned. I'm just a guest in your house; I eat the meals that you give me, but I won't ever take anything that isn't mine."

That seemingly flicked a switch with Soonyoung. He stared at Jeonghan in silence for a moment before telling him that he needed to go to town and wished for Jeonghan to accompany him, so long as his feet weren't too tired already. Of course, Jeonghan wasn't the sort to ever reject a request from the Wife., and so he scurried off to his room to pull on his gloves and adjust his veil to better cover his face. When he returned, Soonyoung had changed into a dark blue knitted jumper and trousers, which Jeonghan had never really seen him wearing before, and then promptly led him out of the house.

Jeonghan had expected that they would be going to purchase Soonyoung's groceries or something when they ended up going to a huge supermarket on the outskirts of the city. They had to take a bus to get there, which Jeonghan was only allowed to do since he had his family's Wife with him, and he watched as they travelled away from their rural home over to the more urban areas of the country. It was strange to be going back to the city, since the last time he went there was with his children, but it still gave him a sense of nostalgia as they got closer.

There was a distinct lack of Handmaids in the city. They only passed maybe one or two, and Jeonghan noted how they stuck close to their Wives. Soonyoung, on the contrary, had Jeonghan on a loose rein and was allowing him to walk on his own without keeping too much of an eye on him. That continued even when they were in the store and there were a lot more people around; the Soonyoung simply trusted that his Handmaid would be following him as he walked and wouldn't have the guts to try and walk off or anything. It's not like Jeonghan could get very far when he was carrying such a big bump, either.

To start with Soonyoung picked up a few things for the house; a curtain rail, a night light, and some bedsheets for the cot in the baby's room. Jeonghan guessed at that point that they were going to be working on the nursery when they got home, which the Wife proudly confirmed when asked.

That was when things changed, though. "What are you craving?" he asked Jeonghan as they wandered up and down the aisles of the shop. The Handmaid was reluctant to say what he wanted to start with, but after a bit of pushing, he finally confessed that he wanted ice and chocolate. Soonyoung's eyes instantly lit up with excitement as he turned to face him. "There's an old rumour that if you're craving sweet things, it's a sign that you're going to give birth to a beautiful baby girl. You know, Seokmin won't really admit it, since he tries to come across as all masculine and such, but he's always wanted a daughter. He wants to be able to treat her like a princess."

Jeonghan listened to the excited rambling as they continued walking, noting how much Soonyoung seemingly hoped that they would be getting a daughter from him. It was the best outcome, as far as he was concerned, although obviously they wouldn't be upset with a son either. On the way, he idly picked up some ice cubes from one of the freezers, which had caught Jeonghan off-guard, followed by an ice tray for making their own at home, and then finally took him to the confectionary aisle.

"Get whatever you want," he told him, and suddenly Jeonghan could feel himself getting overwhelmed with emotions. He wanted to pick something out, but at the same time, he didn't want to make Soonyoung feel as if he had to buy him things to help with his cravings. They waited in silence for a moment, before the Wife finally looked up at him in confusion. "Ofseokmin, please pick something that you'd like to eat. If you're not doing it for yourself, please do it for our baby." Jeonghan blurted something out about being stuck between Ghana and KicKer, as he didn't want to seem as if he was rude by spending so much time choosing, but to his surprise, Soonyoung snatched up every one of the two that were stocked on the shelves - totalling to about fifty of each type of chocolate - and then placed them all into his basket.

Admittedly, Jeonghan couldn't even start to describe how thankful he was for that. Soonyoung had given him the chocolate and ice as soon as they got home, and actively encouraged him to eat his fill of it. The Handmaid was given his own space in the freezer and cupboards, and he was allowed to get it at any point. With him being almost halfway through his pregnancy, Soonyoung hoped that the chocolate would be sufficient to see him through to the end, although he did point out that he would get more if it were needed. A healthy Handmaid led to a healthy baby, so he was more than willing to help out where he could.

Soonyoung gave him enough time to eat his fill of chocolate and ice before inviting him through to the nursery so that they could work on the decorations together. They started out by making photo frames and collages and painting images on the pale brown walls so that it would look like a forest scene. It was then followed up by the making of a mobile for above the cot, and once it was all planned out, Jeonghan got straight to work with making the figures.

"Do you mind if I ask you a bit about yourself?" Soonyoung asked as he started on his own figure. He was incredibly protective of it and wouldn't even let Jeonghan see what he was making, which was a bit weird, but the Handmaid decided not to make a bit deal out of it. Instead, he gave a nod and nervously awaited the first question. "What was your name before this?" was the inevitable first question, and he'd half expected it to come, if he was being honest. Jeonghan tried to avoid answering the question to start with, but Soonyoung seemingly understood why he was avoiding it and so eventually let him know that no one else would ever find out. He didn't stop trying to find out, though, and so eventually the Handmaid told him. Soonyoung made sure to tell him that it was a pretty name before moving on to the next question, having realised that he must've been making Jeonghan uncomfortable.

"Were you married before this?" Jeonghan gave a little nod. "Did you take your husband's name?" He hesitated for a moment before confessing that he never said his surname out loud after he married so he doesn't actually know whether he was expected to change it, but their children too his husband's name. "What did you want to be if you weren't a Handmaid?" Jeonghan confessed his desire to teach children and watched as Soonyoung's face lit up. The questions continued in that sort of manner for a while, and then finally Jeonghan asked whether it would be inappropriate for him to ask some questions in return. Luckily, Soonyoung was on board with it, and so they ended up turning the topic of conversation to him instead.

Jeonghan decided to gradually build the questions up as time went on until he could find out what he really wanted to know. He started by asking Soonyoung how he met Seokmin, which ended up answering a lot of his questions at once. Apparently, they had been childhood sweethearts, having met when they were five and proclaimed that they were going to get married in the future. Seokmin's father was high up in the military, so he was offered the chance to join a different regiment as soon as he was old enough to take up the position. Soonyoung, on the other hand, was expected to become a Handmaid, but during his fertility assessment, it became obvious that he was completely sterile. He was supposed to be taking up one of the lowest jobs in society as a punishment for the fact that there was absolutely no chance of him producing a child, but before he could start, Seokmin offered to take him as his Wife instead.

Of course, he wasn't really high enough in the military to be able to take a Wife by that point, but his father pulled a few strings and managed to arrange their marriage for them. It had been an absolute relief; instead of living a life of poverty, he was able to live with someone he truly loved, and Seokmin didn't even mind that he couldn't have children. Jeonghan was amazed; he'd expected that Soonyoung would have been the child of a Wife or something, as it was incredibly hard to get that sort of job if an individual wasn't a retired Handmaid or born into the role, but he could see it now that it had been mentioned. Perhaps that was why he tried to appear as if he had power in front of everyone else, but was instead very sweet when they were alone.

The questions developed similarly as time went on, with Jeonghan finally taking a step back when he was getting close to the question that he'd wanted to ask for a while. He asked what Soonyoung was planning on calling the baby, so which the Wife hummed softly for a moment before confessing that he'd been considering Jeongmin. The Handmaid stared in complete silence for a moment, considering whether he should ask about it, but then eventually Soonyoung caught his eye and broke into a smile. "I know it's a masculine name, and we think that you might be carrying a little girl, but then she has part of her name from her wonderful daddy and the other part from the man who graced the world with her existence. You're welcome to tell me not to name her that if you want, but I just thought that it was a cute name."

It took every bit of strength that Jeonghan had not to cry in response to the explanation. His follow up question was going to be asking Soonyoung if he liked him or just tolerated him, but his reasoning for her name seemed to explain it rather well. As Jeonghan had thought, Soonyoung was probably a victim of circumstance as much as he was. He was born without the ability to have children but had always longed to have a baby of his own, so he was envious that Jeonghan was able to carry for them. He didn't think that the Handmaid would be trying to steal his husband, since they had a very good relationship and it was clear that they only had eyes for each other. Yet, at the same time as all of that, Soonyoung felt bad for Jeonghan. He understood that it was probably hard for him to carry children for so many different people without ever getting to know the person he made for them, and he supposed that none of the Wives would be willing to keep him updated on their baby's progress if they ever did meet him again.

Instead of asking the question, Jeonghan simply continued to make his part of the mobile in silence. He painted the little figures that were made from wood, handstitched little clouds and animals with felt, and then started on the base that they would all attach to. It was at that moment, though, that he realised Soonyoung had spent the entire time working on one little figure. It irritated him a bit knowing that he'd put in so much effort yet the Wife hadn't even completed one part of it, but it was only made worse by the fact that Soonyoung still refused to show him what it was. It was supposed to be a surprise, and he could be able to see it once it was all complete.

Jeonghan finished the rest of the mobile shortly after and ended up sitting in silence with the empty hook bugging him the entire time. The wait was painfully long, in which he didn't really know what to do other than sit and wait, but then finally Soonyoung took in a deep breath before handing it over to him to add to the rest of the project.

It was a tiny Handmaid in a kneeling position, and he had a baby bump showing through his red robe. The carving wasn't perfect, but it was good enough for Jeonghan to see what it was supposed to be. It was very clearly supposed to be him, with the shape and size of the bump heavily reflecting how it was as he was sat kneeling on the floor.

Suddenly the annoyance washed away, and Jeonghan found himself moving forward to hug Soonyoung tightly. It was something that wasn't really allowed, but the Wife instantly accepted it and pressed his face against his shoulder as they just held each other in silence. They didn't even need any words to describe the sorts of emotions that they were both feeling at that point in time. As much as Soonyoung didn't really make it obvious, he appreciated everything that Jeonghan was doing for him, and this made it all very clear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I found out that KitKats in Korea are called KicKers??????? It's really weird honestly but I guess at least they're sort of similar even if they sound like a bootleg sort of thing??
> 
> Honestly some of the points might end up changing because resetting my laptop the other day meant losing the plan of everything that was supposed to go into each chapter, but I'll try to re-plan it out because it's absolutely essential that it still hits 35 chapters. We'll see how it goes though, but it means that perhaps stuff might be reordered or whatever.
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	12. Ribbon

Jeonghan's relationship with Soonyoung improved drastically from that point onwards. The Wife went out of his way to make Jeonghan's life as good as possible, making sure to get him absolutely everything from snacks to vitamins to body oils to deal with his stretch marks. The Handmaid was invited to spend the evening with Seokmin and Soonyoung, watching films or listening to music, and the atmosphere in the house dramatically changed so that it was a lot more friendly and homely in general.

He should have been happy to have all of that, honestly, but that wasn't exactly the reality.

First of all, the Marthas were still referring to him as 'Handmaid', whereas Soonyoung insisted on calling him by his actual name. In his words, the mother of their child shouldn't be dehumanised by the system, and he certainly shouldn't be referred to as if he was below them when he was doing such an important job. Jeonghan could hardly fault the Marthas, though. It was what they had been told to do in their meetings, as much as they probably knew how much it hurt to be referred to by his job title. Yet, he didn't call out for 'Martha' every time he needed their attention, so he'd hoped that they would ease up on that and perhaps even call out a greeting instead of his title.

The more he heard the word, the more uncomfortable it made him. 'Handmaid' was gradually starting to feel like a slur, especially when his Commander stared at his staff with such scorn when they referred to Jeonghan in that manner. Even if it hadn't been so dehumanising, it still made him feel feminine, which he certainly didn't like. It was an issue that Jeonghan had had to deal with for all of his life, since he had a pretty face and 'looked like a mother', according to his nurses. Each time he was forced to look at himself as if he was a girl, he felt a sudden spike of body dysmorphia, and it was probably the most claustrophobic feeling in the entire world. He felt as if he was being forced into a body that didn't belong to him, but as much as he tried to convince everyone that it wasn't his body, the more they would try to force him into it. The feeling was suffocated and was only really made worse by his swollen bump.

Surprisingly, it wasn't a feeling that Jeonghan had ever had before that moment. He'd not experienced it during his first two pregnancies, even though it would have been expected seeing as he had been new to the idea of parenthood at the time, but then again, he supposed that the reality set in more when he was carrying someone else's child. He was no longer cooped up away from the world and was instead being forced to meet with other people. He still had his daily walks and was having to go out in public, and whilst Jinho had never made him show his bump if he didn't want to, the Aunts had been insistent that he needed to show it whenever he saw them for his progress checks. The measuring just made things worse, since they would always make a point of pointing out how big he was getting before telling each other the measurements.

He was convinced that the anxiety was hitting him the most, though. He tried to calm it down, since he knew that he was already at a moderate to high risk of mental ill health following his diagnosis of postnatal depression, but it was something that he could hardly help when he was feeling so vulnerable. In the end, one of the Aunts had dryly pointed out to him that his constant high stress was a huge issue for the baby and was really stressing it out too, so he needed to find a way to calm himself down. Honestly, he had no idea of how to do that, and so eventually it was decided that he would be assigned a Guardian to keep everything in line for him and take some of the stress away.

The Guardian was supposed to simply follow him around and ensure that whatever was making him feel stressed would be effectively dealt with. Of course, it wasn't the most ideal situation, since now Jeonghan felt as if he was a child having to be escorted everywhere by an overprotective parent or teacher, but he supposed that if it made the Aunts and his Commander feel better about his stress levels, it was something that he could probably deal with.

It proved to be a bit of a struggle on the first outing, though. It was incredibly obvious that the Guardian wasn't all too familiar with what he was supposed to do, perhaps having only just come into the job. He was hyper-vigilant, making sure to stay on guard the entire time as if someone came too close to Jeonghan. An older lady from his usual vegetable stall made a comment on his bump and moved a fraction too close, which resulted in the Guardian's hands twitching to his baton, and suddenly Jeonghan was filled with an overwhelming sense of dread as he realised that it'd changed pretty much everything for him for the next however many weeks. He would only be able to feel comfortable again when he was rid of the baby and never had to think about his life with Soonyoung and Seokmin again; as much as he loved being around them, having this strange man glued to his side the entire time certainly wasn't his idea of fun.

He even tried bringing it up with them, although it didn't exactly work out how he'd hoped. Seokmin had seemed to really regret the fact that he was unable to dismiss the Guardian, since the Aunts were above him in the decision-making process, but instead he offered Jeonghan another solution in hopes that it would make up for it a bit. "I don't know whether you'd like this, but I would appreciate it if you would go and get yourself a treat next time you're in town," Seokmin pointed out as he reached across his desk to stroke Jeonghan's hands. The office and the bedrooms were the only places that the Guardian wasn't allowed to enter, so Seokmin always made sure to be as affectionate to the Handmaid as possible in those sorts of environments in hoped that it would show him that even though he couldn't really do much about the situation, he didn't like it either and he was definitely still there to support Jeonghan.

"I don't think I'm allowed to," Jeonghan admitted with an awkward, apologetic smile. Seokmin gave a soft sigh as he continued to run the pads of his fingertips over the Handmaid's knuckles, and he offered up a warm smile in response as he gazed into his eyes.  
"You'll tell the shop owner that your Commander's Wife instructed you to pick up a gift for a family friend. Say it loud enough for the Guardian to hear you, but then when you get it home, it will be yours to keep. It's something for you from us, and we would really appreciate you keeping it with you, even when you move to a different house and carry for another Commander."

No amount of arguing was going to get Seokmin to change his mind, and so eventually Jeonghan ended up accepting the request and taking the extra money with him the next time he was out with Ofchan. They had a lot of time to spare at the end, as Soonyoung had made sure to give Jeonghan a significantly shorter list this time in order to give him a good chance to look through the stalls, and he'd even scrawled 'gift' at the bottom of his shopping list in hopes that it would make it seem as if he'd specifically asked for it.

The Handmaid struggled to find something that he liked for the vast majority of the trip, but then eventually they got to a small haberdashery at the end of the street and the colours instantly caught his eye. Of course, he wasn't really allowed to sew or make crafts, although he was permitted to knit clothes for the baby if he wanted to, but it was just so pretty that it drew him in straight away.

The stall simultaneously seemed messy and organised at the same time. Everything had its specific place, but there were different buttons all mixed together and no real order. Some of the elastic was on one side of the table, the needles were put into random boxes, and there was cotton thread crammed into every bit of spare space on the table. What attracted him the most, though, was the ribbon. There were a number of different colours all laid out on the table, with a variety of different widths. They were all double satin too; Jeonghan hated to admit it, but it was something that had always comforted him, since he loved the feeling of satin against his fingertips when he was feeling nervous. Before he became a Handmaid, the tags on his clothes were made of the ribbon, so he was able to just reach under his shirt and toy with it discretely whenever he felt uncomfortable, but his uniform no longer contained it, so he'd had to do without up until that point.

He reached out to grab it, but his hand hesitated when he noticed the Guardian's fingertips ghosting over his belt. The movement was very slightly, but it shocked him into moving back enough to show that he wasn't going to touch it. At that moment he realised that the Guardian was probably assigned to keep him in place as much as he was assigned to keep his anxiety curbed. He took a step back and offered a smile to the shopkeeper, then stammered out an excuse about having to talk to his Commander's Wife about it first before he made any rash decisions on Soonyoung's behalf. He gave Ofchan an excuse about needing to leave as soon as possible, then they hurried home together only to part way before they usually did. There was no chatting in the driveway this time; Jeonghan needed to get into the house as soon as possible so that he could breathe again.

Naturally, Soonyoung hadn't been impressed when he found out that Jeonghan hadn't bought the gift. He pointed out that he hadn't given him the extra money so that he could receive it back later that evening, although everything soon clicked when he realised that it was a direct result of the Guardian's behaviour. Jeonghan hadn't quite intended on revealing it, but at the same time, he wasn't prepared to lie to Soonyoung about why he was feeling so on edge and didn't listen to what he'd been asked to do. He made sure to tell him that hed at least considered the red ribbon, even though he hadn't bought it, just so that Soonyoung would feel a little less sorry for him.

Jeonghan had been rather surprised, though, when he had been called into the office the following afternoon upon returning from his walk and finishing what few chores he had. Soonyoung had been a bit awkward when he entered the room, just as he had been when they first met, but then as soon as the door locked, he took in a deep breath before calling the Handmaid forward. "I got you the ribbon you wanted," he said quietly, "Seokmin and I decided that since you can hide it underneath your veil, it won't be too much of an issue. The Aunts won't find out and neither will the Guardian. Would you like that?"

He was certain that it was pregnancy hormones, as opposed to actual emotions, kicking in when he immediately burst into tears and allowed the Commander and Wife to pull him into a tight hug. Soonyoung cooed over him as he gently rubbed circles on his back, right up to the point where Jeonghan finally managed to calm his tears enough to move away. He promptly apologised as he dried his tears with the cuff of his robe, although the Wife immediately gave him a motherly smile as he shook his head. "Don't apologise for getting emotional. It's something that we all have to let out sometimes, okay? Would you like it tucked into your veil so that you could take it to your room?" Jeonghan took a moment to think about it before shaking his head.  
"Could you tie it into my hair for me?"

The room was filled with a slight tension, although it was difficult to tell what had sparked it to start with. Jeonghan considered retracting his comment, before finally he watched as Soonyoung's lips slowly parted in anticipation to speak. For a moment no words came out, so they were left sat in complete silence for a while until he managed to figure out how to say what he wanted to say. "Are you... are you sure that you're okay with me looking underneath your veil?" he asked, and Jeonghan found that as much as he tried to stop himself from reacting too much, his eyebrows naturally shot up when he heard the comment.  
"What do you mean by that?" he asked quietly, making sure to use a highly formal tone in hopes that it would prevent his questioning from seeming rude.

"We were always told that it was a symbol of religion, so we mustn't ever ask a Handmaid to remove their veil, even in the house." That threw him off-guard a bit; he'd always been told by the other Handmaids that it was another way of making them all look the same and stripping them of their identity, plus it made them look similar enough to the female Handmaids that it wouldn't bother a heterosexual Commander if they could only get a male carrier for their child.  
"I'm not religious," Jeonghan admitted simply with a smile, "I don't really think that my veil represents that. You can see my hair if you want; I won't be upset or offended by it, and there's a chance that you'll see it on the baby anyway."

He instantly regretted making the final comment, figuring that it would come across as a bit of a kick in the teeth for Soonyoung, but he was absolutely relieved to find that the Wife gave a nod of understanding instead of pointing out that he wasn't actually Jeonghan's baby. At that point, he made his way back behind the desk and took the length of ribbon out from a little bag before making his way over and asking Jeonghan to remove his veil. He did exactly what was asked of him with no question whatsoever, and was immediately faced with a gentle gasp.

"Even though you have such basic shampoo, your hair is so long and soft. Do you brush it a lot?" Soonyoung asked as he dared to run the hair through his fingers. It took a moment to become apparent, but he was finger-combing it into a ponytail so that he could tie the ribbon from there, and as soon as Jeonghan realised what he was doing, he relaxed significantly. Of course he brushed it a lot, he admitted, it was something that made him feel a lot better about himself, even if no one else would ever see what his hair looked like.

Seokmin made sure to show him how it looked in a mirror once the ribbon was tied in a perfect bow at the back of his head, and Jeonghan couldn't help but beam with pride when he saw it. The ribbon was something small, but it made him feel so much better about his appearance, and it was even red so it matched with the rest of his uniform. Even if a bit of it slipped out from underneath his veil, the Guardian probably wouldn't be able to spot it, so he would be able to keep that bit of happiness all to himself.

Or so he thought.

When the Guardian was so eagle-eyed, it was stupid to think that he wouldn't catch it. He noticed the ribbon within days and gave a testing tug on the end of it, only to find that it came loose in his hands. Jeonghan had received a sharp smack over his knuckles with the baton for theft, before being promptly dragged into the office by his robe and thrust at the desk with so much force that he almost hit his stomach against the edge. The Handmaid winced, bracing himself for the pain that thankfully didn't come, but as soon as he saw how close he'd been to hitting his bump, Seokmin stood, his eyes burning with fire.

It was safe to say that no one in the house particularly liked the Guardian, but alas, they were stuck with him and they simply had to deal with the fact that he was there to stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent most of today trying to decide whether or not I was actually going to talk about the ribbon, since it seems pretty feminine and it's a chapter about how he hates femininity in particular, but it was something that had come up in the original idea so it was included. After all, it's something just to tie up his hair, but a hairband wouldn't really be seen as a gift as such. In fact, the hair tying isn't really the main part of it so I think we're okay!!
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	13. Birth

Jeonghan grew to be incredibly wary of the Guardian after the ribbon incident. He found himself subconsciously touching his bump more when the Guardian was around, and he could feel his nerves starting to flare whenever the guy started to get too close to him. In general, it made the rest of his pregnancy a huge pain in the ass and he would have preferred not to be in that situation.

For the most part, Soonyoung went out of his way to protect him and made sure that there was always a task to do in the house so that the Guardian wasn't constantly trailing after the Handmaid. Obviously, it was a bit suspicious that he had suddenly forgotten how to make a pie for the Wives' monthly meeting and he always needed company when he was in the office, but the Guardian could hardly do anything about it. When they were completing those tasks, though, Soonyoung didn't even mention the fact that he was trying to take Jeonghan out of an uncomfortable situation; instead, he acted as if it was nothing and he was genuinely just asking for his company as opposed to wanting to get him out of the way. Nevertheless, Jeonghan really appreciated the gesture and was always happy to spend time with the Wife; they got on particularly well after they decorated the nursery together and Soonyoung was even being warm to him in front of the rest of the staff as an added bonus.

It was just a bit uncomfortable that he wasn't able to have Soonyoung around all the time. There were times where he was sent off with Ofchan to the markets, which Wives weren't allowed to join with unless there were exceptional circumstances. Since he already had his Handmaid friend and the Guardian to keep him company as they walked, there was no need to have a third person taking a walk with him. Jeonghan honestly wished that he could've replaced one of them with Soonyoung so that he could feel safer when he was outside the house, but the Aunts insisted that it wasn't appropriate to ask for something like that, so in the end he simply had to accept the fact that he wasn't going to get what he wanted.

The situation just got worse when he had to have his meeting with the Aunts in the final trimester of his pregnancy in order to discuss his progress. It was a precautionary measure, since he still had his diagnosis of postnatal depression and they wanted to ensure that he wasn't going to cause any harm to the baby. Of course, Jeonghan wouldn't have done anything to harm the baby, especially since it wasn't his to be concerned about as soon as it was born, but the Aunts had kept a painfully close eye on his progress and mood from the moment he conceived. It only got worse when the Guardian reported back that he seemed to be jumpy and agitated whenever he was around, and as much as he tried to tell the Aunts that it was a direct result of the guy constantly moving as if to hit him, he was shot down every time. He might have been carrying a child and might have had some additional rights as a result of that, but it didn't really mean that he was going to get his own way when it came to the Guardian.

In fact, the Aunts wouldn't even listen to Soonyoung or Seokmin when they complained about him either. Apparently, he was within his rights to hit Jeonghan if he stole or misbehaved, as much as the Commander wasn't fond of the use of such extreme punishments, and it was just standard practice for him to treat Jeonghan in that manner. Handmaids weren't allowed to have any possessions, other than the clothes that they wore, so the Guardian was simply following protocol by punishing Jeonghan for stealing the ribbon. Seokmin wasn't all too impressed when he reported back the results of the meeting to his Wife and Handmaid that evening. Jeonghan tried to insist that it was his fault again, despite everyone knowing that it was all on the Guardian and his lack of patience, and that suggestion of blame just led to more tensions between his hosts and the Guardian.

It took a while for it all to come to a head, though. Jeonghan had been certain that it wouldn't go all too far, since he thought that the Aunts would have at least had a quiet word with him after everything that had happened, but apparently that wasn't the case. Instead, the situation got progressively worse. On more than one occasion, the Handmaid was dragged around by the collar of his robe for making eye contact with people in the streets or not speaking to wealthier people in the correct manner. He was supposed to treat everyone with the highest respect, apparently, and not doing that was worthy of punishment. He was too scared to mention that to anyone else in the end, as every attempt leading up to that point had fallen short of any results, so he simply came to expect the punishment in the end.

The power was clearly going to the guy's head with each passing day, right up to the point where he decided that a baton to the back of the knees was a suitable punishment for not walking quickly enough. Jeonghan even had a reason for walking slower on that particular day and the Guardian had been informed of that situation. He was starting to get early labour pains, suggesting that he was due to give birth at some point over the next few days, so he needed to take it slowly. Even the doctor had informed him that he needed to take his time when he was out with Ofchan, but the memo seemingly didn't get to the Guardian as he made sure to hit with enough force to completely knock Jeonghan over.

He tried to avoid landing on his stomach, but it had been inevitable in the end. The Handmaid had been completely caught off guard by the hit, so he didn't even have time to stop himself from landing stomach-first on the pavement. Suddenly everything around him stood still; as he cried out from the pain of the fall, he could hear that the people in the surrounding area completely stopped what they were doing to stare at them. "What the hell do you think you're doing, hitting a pregnant Handmaid?" Ofchan yelled at the Guardian, and Jeonghan could only assume that he completely lost it and hit the guy, if the thud of a fist hitting skin was anything to go by. He was sure he would've known if it was the other way around.

For the moment, he was stuck there on his front, completely unable to move. A flood of different thoughts started to fill his mind as he stayed frozen on the floor. He no longer knew whether the pain was from the fall or whether his labour had been kick-started by the trauma. He was terrified that he would end up delivering a stillborn after hitting his bump so hard against the ground, and he was certain that Soonyoung would never forgive him for that. He was also worried for the fate of this Ofchan - there had been three since he first became Ofseokmin, and it looked like this one was going to be exiled before he even had the chance to carry for his Commander. It had all been to protect him too, so if the Handmaid was killed or sent to the colonies to rot as punishment for hitting the Guardian, it would be on his conscience for the rest of his life.

That was when he heard a lady nearby let out a shrill noise of surprise.

He tried to move to sit, but another person insisted that he stay on the ground. His robe was soaked with blood and it was starting to spread to the surrounding pavement, which suggested that there was a chance that he would have internal damage, so he needed to stay as still as possible unless he felt as if he needed to get the baby out of him. If that was the case, the guy who was by his side was a trained doctor so he would be able to help out. An ambulance was on the way to take him to the nearest hospital, so he had nothing to worry about, and they would get Ofchan to go back to his house and inform his Commander and Wife that they were needed at the hospital. He wouldn't even need to explain himself to them or anything; all of that would be done for him.

As much as it was uncomfortable knowing that he was in that situation and was unable to do anything to help himself for the moment, Jeonghan did feel some comfort in knowing that there was a doctor with him. He was a bit anxious to know where the Guardian was, but he couldn't even hear the guy so he figured that it was something that he should cast out of his mind for the moment. The doctor was particularly helpful when it came to steadying Jeonghan's breathing, and then the ambulance was with them within minutes. At that point, Jeonghan made sure to thank the doctor for his help with keeping him calm and then allowed the paramedics to move him from there. He spent the entire lift up from the floor into the ambulance incredible anxiety-inducing, since he was certain that they were going to drop him and his condition would become even worse, but eventually they managed to get him inside without doing so much as even bumping his legs in the process.

They were going to go straight to the hospital without waiting for Jeonghan's Commander or Wife to turn up apparently, just so that they could ensure that the baby received any help that it needed at the earliest possible opportunity. Of course, if he felt the urge to push before they arrived, the paramedics weren't going to stop him from giving birth in the back of the ambulance, but they did want to wait for as long as possible as long as the baby wasn't getting to be too distressed. Chances were, it would start trying to make its way out of him soon enough, but it probably wouldn't be so much of an urge that he would be unable to put it off for a little while. The hospital was relatively closeby anyway and they were speeding in order to get him there in good time, so there was nothing to worry about.

Jeonghan was still worried. He knew that there was something wrong with his own body once he was laid there on the bed; the pains in his chest and back were getting worse as time went on, which came as a surprise since those parts of his body hadn't even made contact with the floor. He didn't bother to bring it up, though, since his own wellbeing wasn't exactly the priority at that point in time. After all, he was carrying a child for someone else and he had been stupid enough to get himself into that situation, so the baby was always going to be the one who needed care first. It was Jeonghan's own fault for not telling anyone about the progressive issues with the Guardian. If he'd only let someone know about it, he wouldn't have ended up risking the baby's life like that, and he wouldn't be experiencing so much pain in his body. It was a mistake that he was never going to make again, so he supposed that if nothing, it served as a lesson that he needed to keep in mind for his next placement.

That was if he managed to get his next placement. If the baby died before it was delivered, he would almost certainly be sent to the colonies for his negligence. Jeonghan had heard horror stories about that sort of thing; although he knew that Soonyoung and Seokmin wouldn't demand that he be sent away, the Aunts still had a say in the decision and would probably request for him to be taken away so that he wouldn't cause any more issues for any other Commanders. His insistent whining about the Guardian had landed him in a position where none of the Aunts particularly liked him, so they wouldn't even hesitate to send him off to the colonies if they were given the chance to do so.

He whispered a prayer to himself from the moment they reached the hospital to the moment they hit the maternity ward. It was quite a small ward and reminded him of the ward from his teen years. He could feel that it was starting to get to the point where he needed to push at that point, but a little part of him didn't really want to get started already. He supposed that he was in a slight state of shock as a result of how everything had progressed, and it was only made worse by everything that was around him, frankly. Both of his own children had been born at home and it was typical practice for Handmaids to deliver their babies with the help of other Handmaids and Aunts, so it was rather embarrassing to be going into hospital to give birth. He didn't want to have to confess that to the other Handmaids if he made it back to the centre, but he knew that they would all want to know all of the details.

The labour took a lot less time than he expected. As soon as the baby was born, he was left holding his breath until finally, weak wails began to fill the room. It had come as a relief, although he was soon faced with the reality that he wouldn't even be able to see the baby before it was taken out of the room. The doctor didn't even tell him whether it was healthy, and that remained a secret until eventually, Soonyoung made his way into the room to see him.

The way the Wife was looking at him suggested that something was wrong and Jeonghan made sure to ask if he'd messed up by providing them with a burden instead of a child, but Soonyoung was quick to shake his head as he took Jeonghan's hands in his own. "She's perfectly healthy," he insisted with a smile, "I just wanted you to know that before we take her home. Her name is Jeongmin and she's absolutely beautiful." Soonyoung then checked around the room for any sign of security cameras being present, before leaning forward to kiss Jeonghan's forehead when he was satisfied that it was safe to do so.

Soon after, Seokmin managed to get into the room to see him. He wasn't really supposed to bring the baby in with him, but he'd managed to convince one of the nurses to turn a blind eye to it. It was probably his charming smile that did it, Jeonghan figured, but regardless, he was just glad that the Commander had managed to get away with something that was otherwise not allowed. "Would you like to see?" he asked as he moved towards the bed, and the Handmaid could only let out a scoffing noise in response.

Of course he wanted to see. It was a stupid question, really. Since she'd been taken out of the room before he'd had the chance to see her, Jeonghan didn't really associate the baby with himself and instead felt as if Soonyoung had just given birth to her or something. It was a strange sensation, but he was somewhat glad that he was able to look at her as a family friend, as opposed to a parent.

For a baby, she was incredibly cute. She already had soft black hair growing on the top of her head and the squishiest-looking cheeks that Jeonghan had ever seen in his life. She was a little bit chubby, which he figured was a result of his constant snacking during pregnancy, but it somehow made her look even sweeter. When she felt everyone watching over her, her eyes slowly cracked open. Jeonghan could tell straight away that she had Seokmin's eye shape, and it was only proved further by the way they crinkled just like his when she scrunched her face up. Even though he knew he'd never see her again once Soonyoung and Seokmin left the hospital, Jeonghan could feel a sense of pride starting to blossom in the pit of his stomach as a result of having gotten to see the baby that he'd given them.

He might have been convinced before that being a Handmaid wasn't for him, but seeing a family so happy with their baby admittedly made him want to give more people that same feeling. He supposed that perhaps he could do it just a few more times after this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it came so late today but most of my distractions are gone now so we won't need to worry about them being a bother on Thursday when the next chapter is posted!!
> 
> So that's the end of Jeonghan's first placement - we won't move on to the next one quite so soon but it'll be there eventually!! Before that, we have a bit of backstory and setup for future events to come
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	14. Home

"How are you feeling today? Is your body still feeling sore?"

Jeonghan already knew that the Aunt didn't really care how he felt. She just didn't want to seem insensitive to his issues. She didn't even address him by his name, for starters, or even Ofseokmin, if she was feeling awkward about calling him 'Jeonghan'. On top of that, she was speaking down to him, as if he was a child. He certainly wasn't a child and didn't really want someone to act as if he was one, especially since he had just given birth to his third child. That was reason enough to refrain from acting as if he was a kid, as if being five months off his twenty-second birthday wasn't reason enough.

Nevertheless, he gave her a sweet smile and offered up a polite answer. He was feeling good; still hurting a bit from his fall, but he was glad that the baby was okay. The Aunt seemed to be satisfied by the answer, although she quickly grew to appear incredibly uncomfortable as she seemingly got closer to revealing the true reason why she was there. "You have a waiting list now," she told him with a forced smile, "Has anyone told you that?" Jeonghan could tell from the way she said it that it wasn't just small talk. There was a reason why she was telling him that, and he guessed right from the start that he would be getting his next placement very soon. It was obvious from her eyes, if nothing else.

"No one mentioned it to me," he replied coolly, although he couldn't really say that he expected the reply that followed.  
"Well, it turns out that your last hosts liked you so much that they recommended you to other Commanders who want a good Handmaid for their first child. You should be proud of yourself." Of course, Jeonghan wasn't going to just ignore the fact that he knew where it was going from that point. He wasn't stupid, and the Aunt knew that; he was going to make sure to bring it up now that she'd mentioned it, and he no longer cared how dry he sounded when he was doing so. If she was going to avoid telling him why he was there, he was going to go out of his way to find out himself.  
"So when am I going to my next host, then? Do I get the chance to heal up first?"

Again, the Aunt shuffled around on the spot. He could tell from that that she was relatively new to the job; the vast majority of Aunts would have no problem with being assertive when they were around him, but this one seemed to have been made to deliver bad news so that the others didn't have to do it. She clearly didn't like being there in the hospital and could barely hold eye contact with him for more than a few seconds, and Jeonghan's eyes were soon drawn to the way that she dug her nails into the edge of her clipboard as she tried to figure out how to reply. "Well," she started, taking a moment to think about her response again once she'd started it, "You're going to have a month back in the dorms before you go to them, but you're not going to have any special privileges whilst you're there. You're dropping down to the three-month limit this time, rather than five."

"I'm going back to the dorms?" Jeonghan echoed, not caring so much for the rest of her words. She stared at him again, seemingly re-evaluating her decision to work for the government when she was handed awkward Handmaids to deal with, but then finally put on a fake smile as she elaborated for him.  
"Your hosts aren't ready to take you in just yet. Your room is in their house extension, so you're unfortunately going to have to wait for them to finish building it. That won't be a problem, will it?" Finally, she was being more assertive with him. That was the sort of Aunt that Jeonghan was familiar with. He got a strange kick out of getting down to her raw side, having figured that at least if they were cold, they were giving him the answers he needed as opposed to skirting around the edged, and he couldn't help but offer her a sickeningly sweet smile in return when she said that to him.

He stayed in the hospital for another few days before he was finally given the opportunity to leave. An Aunt came to pick him up, making sure to collect his medical documents whilst she was there so that it could be passed onto his next hosts, and then he was escorted back to where the other Handmaids where. The journey with her was as awkward as his first journey to Seokmin's house, and he knew right away that it was something that he'd never fully get used to. As with the last time, she tried to make small talk with him, although that frankly made things feel even worse.

After what felt like hours, they finally arrived back to the dorm. Seeing all of the Handmaids again was when it all hit him. The emotions suddenly grew to be overwhelming, and he couldn't help but cry when the few who he recognised - namely Hansol, Jisoo and a female Handmaid called Seulgi - took him into the bathroom to check on him. They weren't supposed to all be there and would certainly get punished if one of the Aunts caught on to the fact that they were all in there, but that was the one place that they couldn't just enter, so for now the Handmaids were safe. There was none of the cooing that Jeonghan had seen other recently-placed Handmaids get during his training period; rather, they knew that he had had a rough time and were all making sure to check on his well-being. He supposed that it mostly came as a result of watching him have a meltdown at the current time, but they were all over him from the moment they were all together.

"How are you coping without your hosts?" Hansol asked as he brushed Jeonghan's hair from his face with a hand. He couldn't find the words to answer for a moment, but then eventually managed to squeak a comment about missing them a lot. He came to love them like family over his time at their house, he told everyone, and they genuinely treated him like he belonged instead of making him feel like an outsider in their home. It was nice, really, and he already missed that a lot now that he was without. That sparked a lot of conversation between the Handmaids who had had placements in the past where they told him their stories about their first placements, although Jeonghan did notice that Jisoo was keeping particularly quiet. It was strange to see him holding back like that, but Jeonghan figured that he probably didn't want to talk about it all that much. There was a huge chance that it was still not something that he was happy to discuss, and Jeonghan absolutely respected that.

Once he was feeling better again, they made sure to disband very slowly, in hopes that the Aunts wouldn't notice them. Thankfully, it turned out to be a successful plan, and they didn't end up getting punished for their behaviour, although honestly, Jeonghan was still a bit on edge as he figured that there was still a chance that it would be delayed punishment. That seemed to be rather popular with the Aunts, and he loathed it more than anything. The day went on as normal from there, though, and he was relieved to find that there was very little movement whilst he was still recovering from his injuries and birth. In fact, even when there was a lot of movement involved, an Aunt would always suggest that he should take it easy, since he didn't want to ruin his chances of having children in the future, and Jeonghan was honestly amazed to see the switch in attitudes towards him now that they had realised that his injuries could affect his place in society.

Finally, it came time for him to go to bed. He was placed in a bed near to Jisoo, which felt rather strange seeing as he had been next to Hansol for so long when he was last in the dorm. He figured that it wouldn't make much of a difference, but he still would have liked the familiarity that sleeping near his friend would have brought along. Nevertheless, he did still get on well with Jisooso it was something that he could still get onboard with.

"Hey Jeonghan," he heard a voice whisper after he'd settled down to sleep. He turned around straight away, knowing right from the start that it was going to be Jisoo, and stared into the darkness in front of him as he waited to hear the voice again. "There's something I wanted to tell you about whilst we're here. It's about my first experience as a Handmaid, if you'd like to hear it. I don't know how interested you are, but I thought that perhaps it would show that you're not alone in this." Of course, Jeonghan was interested right away and immediately shuffled closer to the edge of his bed as he reached out a hand to touch Jisoo's. He was promptly reminded of the old game that he used to play with Hansol, where they would have to look out for the Aunts passing by their beds and move their hands back quickly, and he couldn't help but break into a fond smile when the memory came back to him.  
"Please tell me your story," he whispered as he gently stroked Jisoo's hand with his thumb, and he was relieved to feel how his friend relaxed under his touch instead of getting himself more worked up about what he was going to reveal.

"I just want you to know right from the start that I don't condone you doing any of this, and I really am disgusted that I went ahead with it when it's really against my views on what a person should and shouldn't do with a married man," he started, and suddenly Jeonghan found that he was incredibly interested in what was about to be said to him. He needed to know right away, although obviously he wasn't going to be showing his friend that he was really into the thought of hearing about that. It just seemed rude to be too enthusiatic, especially when Jisoo was opening up to him about something that obviously hurt to talk about.  
"I understand. I trust that you understand what mistakes might have been made and I think you're a good person for admitting that."

There was a long pause where Jisoo seemingly didn't know how to start, but then eventually he gave a sigh before proceeding with the first thing that came to mind. "I fell in love with my first Commander, and whilst I could have put those feelings aside to carry his baby, it turned out that he loved me back. His name was Ryung, and he had a smile that melted my heart every time I saw it. And that's pretty damn hard, seeing as I don't believe in love at first sight." Jeonghan didn't know what he was expecting - perhaps an attempt to get him pregnant by sleeping with him outside of ceremonies or something - but it certainly wasn't that. Jisoo always seemed like the sort of Handmaid to be very reserved, so this was a completely new side to him. "I bet you're surprised, aren't you? It was horrible, too, as you can imagine. I developed a crush very quickly, but then we brushed hands whilst I was helping him with his work and then before we knew it, we were in bed together. From the moment we made eye contact, we both knew what was coming up, but we weren't going to even try to stop it from happening."

"It all happened that quickly?" Jeonghan asked as he stared at the fuzzy outline of Jisoo in silence. He could just make out the slightest movement that looked somewhat like a nod, and he immediately let out the long breath that he'd been holding in, in a way that was similar to a sigh.  
"It started out as just an affair, you know. He was married, he thought that perhaps it would make it easier if we had a bit of a thing on the side so he wouldn't have to worry about me being killed if I didn't conceive during the ceremony, but then we fell hard for each other. I was pregnant by the time we had the first ceremony, but instead of letting his Wife think that I was carrying a child for them, I paid a Martha to take the pregnancy test for me. It came back as being negative, obviously and it meant that we needed to do the ceremony again."

Jeonghan was confused about that bit. He didn't really see the point in doing that if he and the Commander were still sleeping together, but Jisoo was quick to tell him that it made him feel powerful. She was being forced to watch her husband having sex with another man in front of her, and there was nothing that she could do about it. Just to make things worse, he faked a negative pregnancy test the next time, too, then suggested to the Wife that it might have been the result of it not being authentic enough. She was desperate, so she allowed her husband to skip the regular ceremony customs and instead just screw Jisoo into the mattress with her sat by the side. He made eye contact with her the entire time, hoping that it would make her feel small.

Of course, the Wife eventually caught them in the middle of their affair. She'd probably known for quite a while, but she didn't have any solid proof until she saw her husband on top of him. The Handmaid didn't even feel embarrassed or awkward about being caught, either; after all, he had a strange sense that he was the new Wife of the family and he was essentially asserting his dominance over her. It was like the power of having an affair with a Commander was going to his head and he'd suddenly lost all sense of who he was as he allowed it to consume him.

It was the end of the affair, though. The Commander confessed that he couldn't risk running away with Jisoo, but then he couldn't risk leaving his child with only one parent either. Perhaps he would take Jisoo as his new Wife when he aged out of the Handmaid system, but until that point, they were done. "I wouldn't ever recommend getting involved with a Commander," Jisoo concluded, "It gives you a bit of a thrill, but it's nothing that you want to pursue. You'll end up getting your heart broken again, and that's not fun." In that moment, Jeonghan wanted to point out that he'd married a guy who was soon to be promoted to a Commander, but it suddenly didn't feel too relevant to add it when he thought over it. Perhaps it would appear really harsh to add that to Jisoo's story of forbidden love too, he guessed, so he promptly decided to keep it to himself as he instead just asked if there was anything else that he should consider for his future placements.

Jisoo seemingly thought about it for a while, not knowing quite what to say, before eventually he gave Jeonghan's hand a gentle squeeze. "I also recommend not getting too involved with the Marthas. Some of them are hired specifically to tell the Aunts what you've been doing or saying in the houses. I've never had one like that, mind you, but there's always the chance that they're in there to make you look bad. And you never want to be in that position, ever. Getting yelled at by the Aunts for what you've been saying in a Commander's house is definitely not something that you want to experience in your lifetime."

He would keep that in mind, he told Jisoo, and would try to avoid speaking much at all around the Marthas. They made him nervous enough as it was without having to worry about their gossip being a way to draw him in and make him say the wrong thing. It would be especially bad if it made him look bad in front of a family who specifically chose him out of every Handmaid in the dorm, too, so he decided that he would be keeping his lips firmly sealed during his next placement.

He'd never had a problem with any of them before, but it wasn't worth the risk. He was just glad that one of the other Handmaids had mentioned it to him before he ended up digging his own grave, as annoying as it was to be conscious of it now that it had been brought up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is coming incredibly late in comparison to my usual update times (it's almost 2am!!) but I've been working hard on assignments and preparing to go home for the weekend, so please forgive me!!
> 
> As a bit of trivia (another little easter egg) the character of 'Ryung' goes back to an imagine discussion where Joshua was into a childhood friend but then went back to Korea to find that they were engaged to someone else but still trying to have a thing with him, and after a discussion with the fiance (Ryung), he ended up getting with him instead as the fiance told him that they both deserved better than someone like that. It ended up being a pretty long discussion, but it was pretty sweet and as a result it'll mean that in this fic, he'll have a happy ending too. It might not be mentioned, but it'll definitely be a thing
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	15. Ofjunhui

Jeonghan was given a good week or so to recover before he became Ofjunhui. It was rather strange to be going to another Commander's house after his experience with Seokmin and Soonyoung, but it was a new experience that he was willing to embrace, at least until he met them.

He had been escorted to the house by one of the drivers, as the Aunts trusted that he would find his way in with the help of the Marthas. He didn't need someone to hold his hand and take him through to the Commander's office this time, and he knew that there was no way to run away without being caught and killed so he didn't even take the risk.

The house was probably twice the size of Seokmin's house and had a huge drive. There were a number of cars parked on the drive, even though they probably didn't drive all of them on a regular basis. The building itself was nothing like Jeonghan had ever seen in his life. It was a contemporary semi-circular house with tall windows, similar to the ones in Seokmin's office, and he could see straight into all of the rooms from outside. As Jeonghan moved closer to the building, he noticed a man standing up in one of the rooms at the front of the house - he presumed that it was the Commander from the way that he was dressed in a pressed black suit with gold detailing.

Whilst Jeonghan had guessed that a Martha would be coming to greet him, he was instead faced with the sight of his Commander and Wife once the door opened. For a moment, he didn't really know what to do with himself, so he politely bowed his head at them. The response had earned an amused snort from the Wife, although the Commander gently nudged him with his elbow and invited Jeonghan into the house so that they would be able to talk him through everything that went on in the house. Without another word, he was led through to the room that he'd seen from the outside of the house, and was invited to sit down on the chair across from his new hosts.

Of course, Jeonghan wasn't prepared to do that. His voice caught in his throat as he suggested that perhaps the Wife would like to sit down on that seat and he could stand or take the floor, but he watched the Commander's lips start to twitch towards a smirk as he sat and his Wife promptly moved to sit on his lap. "This is his seat," he informed the Handmaid, "Don't worry; he always sits here because he knows how I like him close by at all times." Jeonghan gave a little nod, although he still refrained from taking a seat until the Commander insisted that he wasn't going to start going through the details of their arrangement until he was seated. It had been a long journey and he wasn't prepared to deal with a fatigued Handmaid passing out in front of him as a result of being forced to crush his calves under his ass for hours and then stand up on them straight afterwards.

Once he was sitting down properly in the seat, the Commander introduced himself as Junhui and his Wife as Minghao. They had been married for a year and were looking to extend their family, and Jeonghan had been recommended by one of Minghao's good friends so they decided that he was the perfect person to ask to carry their first child. Jeonghan couldn't help but smile as Minghao informed him that they always wanted a pretty Handmaid to give them a baby, and if he was in anyway insecure about their relationship, he would probably feel threatened by how beautiful he was. Yet, Junhui was the perfect husband and was heavily against cheating, so he didn't need to worry, and likewise, Jeonghan didn't need to worry about being pressured into an affair either. It was something that occasionally some scumbag Commanders did, apparently, but it wasn't something that he needed to concern himself with whilst he was in their household.

They then ran through the other details of the arrangement. There were only two Marthas - one who cooked and one who cleaned - but they were perfectly capable when it came to their jobs so Jeonghan was mostly free to do whatever he wanted to do. He was expected to spend some time with Minghao during the day so that neither of them felt lonely, and he would be given the opportunity to go on walks with one of the two neighbouring Handmaids. Contrary to what he was used to in Seokmin's household, though, he wouldn't necessarily be getting a shopping list when he was out of the house. Minghao didn't like shopping, so Junhui would order their groceries electronically and their driver would collect them from the city. Instead, Jeonghan would be given a task and an allowance; for example, Minghao might be looking for some alpaca wool so that they would be able to knit the baby some clothes together and he would need to find some whilst he was on his walk.

It all seemed to be rather relaxed in general, but that honestly put Jeonghan on edge. It was very different to everything that he currently knew about being a Handmaid. When he was Ofseokmin, the way of living was very close to how it was presented to them in their training, but this approach gave him a lot more freedom. He didn't even have restrictions on what he could eat, and Minghao firmly informed him that he would be scolded if he was caught skipping meals. If he didn't feel like walking all the way through to the kitchen, the cooking Martha brought snacks to Minghao halfway between each meal, so he was welcome to have some too. If he wanted a second helping, he was more than welcome to have that, and if he got cravings for food in the middle of the night, he was actively encouraged to go to the fridge and get himself something to eat.

Then came the walk to his bedroom.

Jeonghan had expected something simple, like in his last household, but this was completely different to everything that he had thought was appropriate for a Handmaid's bedroom. The walls were painted champagne, and the room had an expensive-looking wooden floor. There was a beautiful shag rug laid out next to the bed so that he wouldn't have to step straight out onto the cold floor when he got out of bed in the morning. The bed itself was next to a large window and had a thick memory foam mattress, along with three pillows for his head and four additional decorative pillows at the end. There was even a knitted throw draped over the end of the bed, matching the brushed cotton sheets. On top of all of that, there was a nightstand with a lamp, plus oil-on-canvas paintings hung up on the walls.

The room was incredibly beautiful and Jeonghan loved it. Minghao informed him that they had their wonderful house build just three years ago when they were still courting, so that they would be able to move into it as soon as they got married, and they just couldn't bring themselves to have one shabby room for their future Handmaid when the rest of the house was screaming elegance and modern chic. Between Junhui's childhood career as an actor and his current job as a Commander, they had more than enough money to make every room of their house match that same theme, so it was hardly like they were going to make their staff feel as if they were living in a completely different world on the other side of the house. The only issue, though, was the fact that their bedroom was the only en-suite one, but Jeonghan would be given a key to his own bathroom across the hall. It was one that only guests were ever allowed to use, and since they weren't expecting guests to the house whilst he was living with them, he would be the only person to ever use it.

That naturally fueled his curiosity and he had to check it out as soon as Minghao left him to his own devices until he was called through to the dining room for dinner. Even the key was fancy with a little ribbon tag attached to it so that Jeonghan could strap it to his wrist or ankle, should he ever wish to do so. He unlocked the door slowly, feeling a bit nervous about it now that he was actually going to check it out, and then opened the door painfully slowly when the key wouldn't turn any further.

He didn't know why he expected anything less, in all honesty. His eyes were first drawn to the rounded freestanding tub in the centre of the room. It was matte stone grey in colour, with a huge mixer tap facing the door. There was a round flush light directly above the tub, plus one near to the heated towel rail at one side of the room and another near the sink on the other side. Above the sink, there was a medicine cabinet but surprisingly, there was no mirror. Jeonghan figured that it was the one regulation that his hosts were forced to follow by the Aunts, since Handmaids weren't permitted to look at their reflection in the mirror.

Overall, the entire experience was overwhelming. Jeonghan didn't really know how to feel about being given so much when he'd been taught for so many years that he wasn't allowed to have those sorts of things. The whole point of him giving his body to other couples was that they would be able to use his services without worrying about giving anything back. He completely understood that Junhui and Minghao were incredibly wealthy and wanted that to be reflected in their ability to keep such a beautiful house, but Jeonghan quite frankly felt guilty about the whole situation.

It wasn't a guilt that he'd ever felt before in his entire life. Not even leaving his husband behind or letting Aunts take his babies away without putting up a fight gave him that much guilt. Not his anger towards Gu's constant whining nor the way that he neglected showing his love for Myungseok nor the way that he'd made Soonyoung feel sorry for him by talking about his pregnancy cravings. This was a different sort of guilt; it came along with the strongest sense of self-loathing and the urge to rip his hair from his scalp, just so that he could feel as if he deserved a bit of happiness to make up for his self-destructive tendencies. He felt an aching in his chest as he thought about his tainted fingertips leaving prints on the perfect furniture, and the thought of leaving his mark on the bedsheets made him want to cry. It seemed completely irrational, as he knew that the rooms hadn't been specifically designed to make him feel like he was living in luxury, but he couldn't help but have a meltdown as soon as he got back to his bedroom.

By the time he was called for dinner, he had essentially destroyed himself. His nervous reaction to the situation that he'd been faced with was to tear at the skin of his hands with his nails, and then chew said nails down to stubs in order to stop himself from taking off more layers of skin. He used a comb from his bedside table to comb his hair over and over again until the teeth started to dig raw lines on his scalp and some of his hair started to fall loose on the shoulders of his robe. He'd chewed his lips until they were swollen and red, and his tears had left ugly wet trails on his cheeks.

He made sure to clean himself up as best as possible before he made his way through to the kitchen to collect his plate, even going so far as to put on his gloves again so that he wouldn't put his hosts off their food with his disgusting hands. Yet, when he went through to the kitchen, he was faced with a fully set table, ready for five people to eat, and his food already laid out. He felt his stomach lurch as he made his way over and whilst he suggested that perhaps it would be more appropriate for him to eat in his room, Junhui was quick to point out that the Marthas were joining them for dinner too, so it certainly wasn't "more appropriate" for that to happen.

Jeonghan was still reluctant to sit but quietly did so when Junhui insisted again, although he was quickly thrown off when Minghao suggested that perhaps he should take off his gloves to eat. He couldn't help but get defensive and insist that he was perfectly comfortable with them on, and naturally, that left the Wife suspicious. He was a smart man and knew that something was wrong if a Handmaid was getting so skittish around him, and so he promptly rose from his seat and made his way over to where Jeonghan was sat. "I hope you can excuse us for a moment," he told his husband before offering out a hand to Jeonghan and leading him straight back to his bedroom.

For a moment, the Handmaid thought that he'd messed up severely and expected that Minghao was going to take away his meal for the night for being so resistant, but the Wife simply sat him on the edge of the bed as he kneeled in front of him. "Can I see your hands please?" he asked in a calm voice as he wrapped his hands carefully around the outside of the gloves. "I'm concerned about the way that you want to wear gloves in the house, and I want to make sure that your hands are okay."

It was clear from that moment that he knew what was wrong. Jeonghan tried to insist that it wasn't an issue, but eventually he ended up caving and taking them off to reveal the raw patches of skin on the back of his hands. Since he provided them with heat, they were looking a lot worse than they had done when he first put the gloves on and were glowing bright red. It probably wasn't helped by the fact that the fabric had stuck to the fresh wounds a bit. He felt the guilt swallow him up once again when he heard the little gasp from the Wife, and the urge to start scratching around the wounds only got worse when he was instructed to wait there for a moment whilst Minghao searched for something. Jeonghan was almost certain that he was going to tell Junhui or call for someone to take him away, especially since it was his first day with them and he was already showing signs of being painfully anxious.

He'd been surprised, as a result, when he was instead greeted again with a first aid kit. Minghao was quick to clean and dress the wounds in a way that allowed him to handle his cutlery still, and then he told the Handmaid that he should come back to him every few days so that he could change the dressings. He wasn't having them getting infected because they weren't being properly treated, and he certainly wasn't going to allow Jeonghan to continue scratching them. He could tell from the way that his fingers were curling when the gloves came off what he was fighting the urge to continue, so it was just for the best that it was covered up.

And that was that. He didn't ask what had caused it or been particularly doting with his approach to the process, but rather decided to that he would drop it unless Jeonghan wanted to discuss it. Minghao led him straight back to the table without another word about it and from the look that he exchanged with his husband, it was clear that he was instructing him not to bring it up either. Whilst it seemed to be a rather atypical approach to dealing with that sort of situation, Jeonghan was glad that Minghao had handled it in that sort of manner. It took a lot of pressure off him and he didn't feel as if he was being backed into a corner because of it. He felt truly supported straight away, as if he would be able to go straight to them with issues and would be heard in a non-judgemental way, and that was something that he really didn't expect to feel within the first few hours of meeting his new hosts.

It was going to be a good few months with them, he decided. They had set the scene for the rest of his time there and had allowed their genuine personalities to shine through right from the start, and that was what Jeonghan liked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a little side note, I really feel as if a lot of the younger Commanders would be the sorts to bend the original rules of having a Handmaid, since they will have grown up knowing some people who went on to be Handmaids and they sort of understand that there's a clear divide between the people who live a life of luxury and the people who don't even own the clothes on their backs. It's all down to the biological processes that they were born with, and that's not really the most ideal way to decide on a person's fate. It's a bit like how younger generations nowadays seem to be a lot nicer to staff in lower-paying jobs, even if they're earning a good salary themselves.
> 
> As a result, that's how the Commanders and Wives will be portrayed in general; I won't go into too much detail on this one since I don't want to spoil the rest of the fic, but in general their approaches to having an extra person in their house will be different based on their personal take on it. Are they focused on the fact that this person will be carrying their child and will need to be looked after well? Are they more focused on creating comfort because they're another person and deserve respect? Are they going on the typical definition of a Handmaid and taking them as a sort of maid to the Wife? All those sorts of things will be considered when it comes to the couples' approaches to Han and any other Handmaids
> 
> (Also as a heads up, I'm going into hospital in sixteen days and I might be in for up to three days, so I'm hoping to spend some time drawing up some plans for the houses if I'm feeling well enough to do so and maybe starting to make a list of the symbolism in earlier chapters so it can all be posted alongside the final chapter whenever that comes, so that's something to look forward to I guess!!)
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	16. Pomegranate

Jeonghan could feel himself getting more and more nervous as the ceremony day grew closer.

He knew what to expect this time, but it didn't make it any easier. It had been incredibly awkward when he was Ofseokmin, but he'd gotten used to being around Seokmin in that way over the course of their attempts to create a child. Now, he had to go through that all over again with Junhui. He didn't know how the Commander would feel about his body, even though he wasn't supposed to look at it, and he was still nervous about being partially exposed to someone who was still essentially a stranger. He knew that Minghao was right when he said that his husband only had eyes for him - that much was obvious from the way they acted around each other - and that took away a bit of his anxiety, but he still had those normal concerns about everything else.

For starters, he was worried about crushing Minghao under his weight when he laid between his thighs. Minghao was relatively small in build and looked as if he would break if Jeonghan put all of his weight on him. If Junhui started to rock against him, he would almost certainly end up crushing the Wife's pelvis under his body weight. On top of that, it made him feel a bit uncomfortable to have the Commander and Wife kissing and touching each other over him. It was acceptable, according to their training, but the thought of people doing something so intimate right behind his head was something that Jeonghan really wasn't fond of. He hoped that they wouldn't do it, but obviously he couldn't make that request for himself.

Finally, there was the issue of preparation. Seokmin hadn't really prepared him for the process and that was relatively okay, since a bit of lubrication went a long way with him. He wasn't small, but he wasn't exactly the biggest guy that Jeonghan had seen in his life. In fact, he'd seen bigger when he and the other Handmaids were getting their checkups prior to their admission into the system. On the contrary, Minghao had spent the past few days bragging to Jeonghan about how his husband was big downstairs and how he would finally get to feel like he was being filled well by a man. Jeonghan wouldn't have believed it if he hadn't seen it in person, seeing as everyone was prone to exaggerating their husband's size to an extent, but he did end up seeing it before the ceremony and it quite frankly left his chest seizing.

He hadn't really intended on finding him on his way out of the shower that day. Minghao had asked for his help in the laundry room near to their bedroom - their usual cleaning Martha had just gone home but he realised that his shirt for a Wives meeting that evening was stained. He didn't know how to wash the shirt and figured that a mother would know how to do it without destroying the satin. Jeonghan promptly made his way over to the laundry room once he'd finished eating his evening snack but naturally, Junhui picked that exact moment to come out of the shower without a towel.

Jeonghan didn't want to stare. He really didn't. It was just incredibly difficult not to, especially when Junhui looked how he looked. He had a well-built torso, which probably came as a result of his time in the military. It was visually appealing, to say the least, and if Jeonghan knew that the Commander was single and he wasn't a Handmaid, he would've probably ended up hitting on him. He knew what must've attracted Minghao in that moment; between the Commander's beautiful facial features, his humour, and his figure, he made a very attractive partner. He would probably end up making equally attractive children, which was great for both him and Minghao really.

Then his eyes drifted downwards and Jeonghan honestly wished that he could've kept them up.

It looked like another arm. It reached around mid-thigh and Jeonghan could feel his breath catching in his throat as he stared at it. He didn't really want to continue staring, figuring that it was rude to do so, but no matter how much he tried, his eyes wouldn't move back up to the Commander's face. Whilst Junhui would have probably been put off by a Handmaid staring at his junk in any other situation, especially given that he was married and had been for quite a while, he could sense that Jeonghan was shocked by the size and instead just gave a smirk.

"I'll prepare you well; don't worry." That was all he said before making his way past Jeonghan and into his bedroom.

He wished that he could unsee what he saw, but Jeonghan quickly realised that if it was that big when he was soft, it would be pretty damn huge when he was hard. It meant that he would end up essentially being driven into the headboard by Mount Everest at this rate, and if he wouldn't have crushed Minghao in the case of having something smaller thrust inside of him, he certainly would now that he was taking a lot more inside his body.

It resulted in him being a lot quieter in the final few days before the ceremony. Jeonghan could only think about his worries in that time, having not really had the time to calm himself down before that day came. He could feel it building in his throat on the day itself, and he even made sure to clean himself three or four times when he was in the bath, just so that he wouldn't have to add to his own concerns. It seemed ridiculous, since he was sure that the Commander and his Wife weren't checking that his hygiene was perfect, but it did give him peace of mind.

Then the time came for him to join them for the ceremony. He could feel his legs growing heavy as he made his way through to their bedroom, and even when Minghao told him that it was best to take a few deep breaths before the Commander joined them in the bedroom, he could feel that something was different about the atmosphere. He was invited to sit on the bed, as he had been when he was with Seokmin and Soonyoung, but this time he could see that Minghao was gradually slipping towards the chair next to the bed. He had his mobile phone in his hand, and he was clutching it so casually that Jeonghan didn't think he was using it as a crutch.

After a few minutes, Junhui made his way through to the bedroom. He'd gotten himself prepared whilst he was away, and so Jeonghan quickly closed his eyes and turned his head away so that he wasn't able to stare at everything that he was packing. In the split second that he saw it, he noticed that the tip was reaching past his navel, and that was quite terrifying. Junhui could sense his discomfort with that sort of thing, so he moved forward in order to touch his shoulder. "I promise it won't be as bad as you're expecting. We're not going to make you stay quiet either. If you're hurting, you have to tell me."

It was so sincere and sweet, and it brought Jeonghan's gaze back around to where the Commander was standing. He still kept his eyes up, but he was feeling a lot less nervous now that he'd been given that little bit of information. The Commander reached up to stroke his cheek, and then encouraged Jeonghan to lay back on the bed. "You're not allergic to anything, are you?" he asked, and when Jeonghan shook his head, he promptly pulled out a small bottle of lubricant from under the bed. It was one of the expensive brands that Jeonghan could never afford but apparently, it was supposed to make the experience a lot nicer for him by relaxing his muscles.

As Junhui coated his fingers in the lubricant, Jeonghan could see that he'd even trimmed his nails back past the end of his fingers so that he wouldn't scratch as he put them inside of the Handmaid. It was those little details that allowed him to relax when the Commander did his job and made sure that he was sufficiently prepared for the ceremony, and it was certainly well appreciated. Yet, once they'd finished with the preparation process, he watched as Junhui lubed himself straight up and moved forward to press against him.

At that point, Jeonghan couldn't help but jolt up. "Wait wait, I'm sorry," he exclaimed as he shuffled back further onto the bed, "I'm sorry for interrupting, sir, but isn't your Wife joining us?" That was when he looked over to the chair at the side of the bed to see Minghao sat with headphones in and his phone in his hand. From what Jeonghan could see, he was watching old reruns of dramas from before the crisis, and he seemed to be very much engrossed in it. In fact, he hadn't even realised that they'd finished the preparation process.  
"Oh, Minghao won't be joining us today," Junhui told him, although frankly, it set off warning alarms in Jeonghan's head when he heard that.  
"Can we just ask him?" he asked, and although it was clear that Junhui wasn't actually planning on doing so, the worry in the Handmaid's expression quickly convinced him to tap on his Wife's shoulder.

"Are you done already?" Minghao asked with a look of surprise on his face.  
"We were just wondering if you wanted to join us, actually." Jeonghan watched as the Wife's nose scrunched with distaste, and he quickly shook his head as he turned towards the Handmaid.  
"Sorry, I forgot to mention it to you. I'm not really fond of the idea of the ceremony. If my kid is going to be conceived, I'd rather it be natural than some sort of weird religious cult-style thing. There's no way that we're reading shitty Bible passages and pinning you down as my husband screws you. I have to be in the room, obviously, but I trust that it won't lead to an affair or anything, so I think it'll be fine if you just want to do it like you would if you weren't a Handmaid. Junhui knows what's allowed and what isn't anyway."

He promptly put his headphones back in and then turned back to his show to allow Junhui and Jeonghan to get back to what they were doing. The Handmaid could hardly argue with that, so he just gave a little nod before laying back so that the Commander could start doing what they set out to do.

It wasn't quite as bad as he'd expected, if he was honest. Junhui held him close and encouraged him to make eye contact with him so that he would be able to monitor how Jeonghan was feeling about what they were doing. He could tell when it hurt and would adjust accordingly, and he gradually moved from slow, gentle thrusts to essentially pounding the Handmaid into the mattress. It wasn't exactly like Jeonghan minded all that much, though. He'd gone so long without his own husband and it meant that he'd been unable to explore his own sexual needs up until that point. As much as it made him feel like a sort of prostitute to be allowing someone else's husband to take him like that, he actually enjoyed the fact that it was natural but still no-strings.

The true bonus, though, was the aftercare that followed. That was something that Jeonghan had never experienced with Seokmin, and his husband had been incredibly poor with it too. Most of the time when they were living together, he would end up going to the bathroom to pee and clean himself out, and his husband would just wait for him to finish before cleaning himself up. That was the extent of it, really, and it was rather disappointing in general. As an adult, he knew that it wasn't sufficient and he needed to have more aftercare, but he wasn't prepared to be demanding with his husband at the time.

Junhui, on the other hand, went out of his way to give the best aftercare possible. Not only did he carry Jeonghan to the bathroom after they'd waited for the ten minute conception period to pass, but he also helped him to clean himself out when he was finished on the toilet. He did so with the shower head and a soft new sponge, as opposed to a jug of water and a rough flannel as he'd come to expect from his last placement, and following that, he made sure to dry the Handmaid off perfectly before bringing a fresh robe through to the bathroom. Following that, Jeonghan was invited back to the bedroom to cuddle with him and Minghao; although that was something that they said wasn't going to happen every time they had to do the ceremony, it was supposed to show him that they were there for both him and their baby. After all, Jeonghan was being kind enough to carry such a miracle for them when they knew that they would never get a family through natural means, and that was something that they both appreciated a lot.

Whilst Junhui was pressed against his back and Minghao crammed himself against Jeonghan's front, they made sure to explain the importance of skinship after a process like that. Not only would it help to ease Jeonghan's anxiety a bit, by providing him with the feeling that he was cared about just as much as the baby that he would be carrying, but it was also thought that it would help with the conception process. If Jeonghan's body felt as if it was loved and he had the intimacy of an actual relationship, it was believed that it would be more likely to conceive a child early on.

It was a bizarre concept, seeing as he'd never really had that sort of experience before, but Jeonghan did figure that it made sense. After all, he'd taken a long time to conceive when he was Ofseokmin and each time they did the ceremony in that household, he could end up experiencing something that felt quite robotic. Soonyoung had been uncomfortable with his husband touching another man in an intimate way - which Jeonghan did actually understand, if he was being honest - but considering that he'd ended up conceiving straight away with his own children, it was rather unusual that it'd taken so long for him to conceive for his previous hosts. He was actually rather glad that Junhui and Minghao had taken all of that into consideration, now that he was thinking about it; even though it was incredibly strange to be cuddled between them like that, he felt a lot better about the idea that they would only need to do it once, or maybe twice at a push, if that theory proved to be right.

This time when he went back to his room, he didn't feel that much discomfort. In fact, he felt an unusual sense of satisfaction. It was both sexual and psychological, and although it felt really terrible to be that happy that he'd actually gone ahead and experienced the ceremony with his new hosts, he guessed that they would understand whilst he was feeling like that.

The day continued as normal from there. Jeonghan didn't feel the need to hide away in his room for the rest of the day and simply took an hour or so out to have a nap and get his energy back after everything that had happened so far that day. He and Minghao spent some time knitting together, having already made half a blanket together as a bonding exercise prior to that afternoon, and then he was asked to go on his walk with the local Handmaids. Minghao suggested that he could pick up some fresh fruit this time; although they usually picked it up from the grocery store, he was really in the mood to make a pomegranate pie that he'd seen in one of the programmes that he'd been watching earlier that morning. It was rather unusual, since he would usually think that it was too much effort to bake something himself and would prefer to ask the cooking Martha to do it for him, but today, he felt rather creative.

They ended up making it together when Jeonghan got back from the walk. It was particularly enjoyable as it wasn't at all serious and they both ended up covered in flour and fruit juices, and they'd even ended up coming up with some complex design for the top of the pie. It was something that Jeonghan had never tried before and he was certain that it was going to end up falling through when they actually got to baking it, but it was a fun experience at least and it didn't even matter if it flopped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter is coming early today!! I'm not in class until 2pm today, so I thought it'd be best to get it posted as soon as possible. It was a relatively easy one to write and has a fair bit of symbolism - if you can pick up on any of it, please let me know!! I always love to find out what theories people have when it comes to the plot
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	17. Test

Of course, it wasn't too long before Jeonghan found out that he'd conceived.

Junhui had been incredibly impressed with himself, having managed to get Jeonghan pregnant during their first ceremony, and Minghao had been even more happy that he didn't have to sit in on more sex between his husband and Jeonghan. Whilst he certainly didn't feel jealous of it in any way, he did get to be rather bored during the first one and wasn't all that interested in doing it again. His noise-cancelling headphones only blocked out a certain amount of noise, and unfortunately, that didn't really cover the sound of the Handmaid being slammed into the mattress. That news came as a shock for Jeonghan, since he had only allowed the noise to slip when he thought that Minghao wouldn't hear it, and so he was left feeling utter embarrassment over the situation for a good few days after the ceremony.

That embarrassment was completely gone when he found out that he was pregnant, though. Four weeks had passed since they had the ceremony, and he was woken up in the early hours of the morning to a salty taste in the back of his throat. That taste was soon matched with an uneasy sensation in his stomach, and he quickly realised that he needed to vomit. As much as he didn't want to vomit in the toilet and risk making it unclean, he figured that at least the cleaning Martha would be around to sort it out before Junhui and Minghao found out, and that did ease his mind a bit. He was careful not to make too much of a mess as he brought up his dinner into the toilet, and then promptly flushed it, washed his mouth out, then went back to bed.

By the time he woke up properly at eight o'clock, it was apparent that it wasn't just a little bit of sickness. He spent the first part of the day bent over the toilet, bringing up everything that he'd eaten and then bile when he had nothing left in his stomach. He was left with throbbing headaches and a weak body, but after he'd finished vomiting, a nap was sufficient to make him feel better. There was no sick for the rest of the day, but then it started up again in the morning and suddenly he knew exactly what was wrong. There was no way that it would just affect him from around five o'clock in the morning to around eleven o'clock, but then not bother him for the rest of the day, if he was actually ill. Without specifying exactly what it was, Jeonghan asked if he could have his allowance early so that he could get something from the local drug store on his walk with the local Handmaids, once he'd finished vomiting for the day. Minghao had been rather curious about it but apparently figured that he wanted to get anti-sickness tablets or something. He handed over his allowance then wrote his phone number on Jeonghan's arm in pen so that if someone needed to contact him, they could do so.

Jeonghan could feel his heart pounding in his chest hard when they finally approached the drug store. He made his way in, feeling incredibly self-conscious about it as he did so, but the cashier knew exactly what was happening when he made his way over to the till with three boxes of pregnancy tests in hand. "You know that there are two in each box, right?" she asked as she scanned the first one, "Usually two is enough to make sure that you're definitely pregnant."  
"I don't want to disappoint my Commander by giving him a false positive," Jeonghan pointed out with an awkward smile, although he tried to keep his head low as not to make eye contact. He heard her let out a little gasp of excitement, though, and his eyes instantly snapped up.  
"I bet you're going to make the most beautiful children. I hope that you get the result that you're hoping for, and that your current family treat you and your baby very well."

He left the store feeling a lot better than he had when he first went in. The shop owner had even taken him around to the back of the store, away from the eyes of any customers, and helped him to tuck the tests into his robe so that no one would be able to tell what he'd bought. She even gave him some anti-sickness tablets that were safe to use during pregnancy when he mentioned having bad morning sickness with each of his previous children, which he appreciated more than anything. It was a gift, from one mother to another, and it was given to him primarily because he was one of the Handmaids she'd seen fulfilling his duties obediently, but still keeping a bit of his personality there.

The other Handmaids asked him about it when he got out onto the street again, but Jeonghan couldn't really bring himself to confess what he'd purchased. He was lucky to have not been seen getting it, and so wanted to keep it as a little secret for himself. The rest of the walk was filled with them quietly trying to get him to tell them what he'd bought, but Jeonghan smugly informed them that they would find out soon enough. That was all he could say about the situation, and eventually they dropped it before they got back to Junhui's house, although not without disappointment. There was one last attempt to find out before he went into the house, since they knew that the tablets weren't what he went in for, and so finally he decided to point out the note on the back of the box which said that it was suitable to take during pregnancy.

That was when the excitement hit them. Jeonghan could hear them talking about it between them as they scurried off to their respective houses, and he couldn't help but feel a weight lifted off his chest once he'd told someone about his thoughts. He was subtle about it all when he got to the house, since Minghao was straight over to his side, asking about his walk, but then Jeonghan made a comment about needing to use the bathroom and excused himself so that he could go and get the test done. Minghao seemed rather disappointed that the Handmaid was rushing off so quickly after he'd returned, since they spent quite a lot of time together and the Wife got lonely whenever Jeonghan was out of the house, but he allowed him to go and added that he was going to be making little boots for their baby when he got back to the main room. That just made things feel even greater for Jeonghan; he would be able to tell Minghao quite easily if the test came back positive and they were making things for the baby at the time.

It came as no surprise that the tests came back positive, and although he could've done without taking six tests, he did so anyway. All of them showed the exact same result, though; he was carrying a child for Junhui and Minghao now, and although that was the only information that he knew, it was enough to make things feel as if they were slipping into place. He made sure to tuck them into his robe again, before going to sit with the Wife and knit with him, and strangely, Minghao knew that something was different from the moment he sat down. "I feel like you're starting to skirt around the edges now, and I'm worried that something is wrong. Did someone do something to upset you when you were on your walk?" he asked, his expression toughening slightly. "If someone hurt you, I'll drive straight to their house and punch them in the throat for you. Don't think I won't shred their face with my nails, either."

Jeonghan couldn't help but laugh, but Minghao continued to describe what he'd do if anyone touched his Handmaid. He went into detail about how he knew how to defend himself and he would use those techniques to absolutely rip a man a new asshole if he needed to, and so Jeonghan was eventually forced to just take out the tests and hand them over in order to stop him from ranting about it. The moment he passed them over, time seemed to stop, and then the Wife's eyes raised to his face when it finally hit him what he was given. "You're pregnant?" he whispered, not knowing what else to say for the moment until Jeonghan gave a nod. "You spent your allowance on pregnancy tests?" Before Jeonghan could answer, he moved forward to hug him tightly, burying his face into the rough fabric of his robe. "I'm guessing that no one hurt you, then, but if they did, I can still go to town and fight for you."

It resulted in a particularly relaxed afternoon; they continued to make the knitted boots for the baby, then proceeded to make a knitted cardigan, too. When the Commander finally got back from work, Minghao's eyes lit up, and he promptly turned to Jeonghan to whisper that they could make a cake for him to tell him that he was going to be a father. It was something that wasn't really typical of a Handmaid's household, seeing as it was like getting excited that a surrogate was carrying a child in the time before, but Jeonghan was hardly going to reject the idea when the Wife seemed to excited to tell his husband about the baby. It was more his than it was Jeonghan's child, so he was happy to be a part of that life event for them.

Junhui took it particularly well, even going so far as to ask the cooking Martha to refrain from making any food that evening so that he wouldn't feel guilty about going out to get pre-prepared food for them. It was proper Chinese food - noodles, duck, and the sorts - prepared by the other Chinese citizens in their nearby village, and it was a sort of treat for everyone in the household, as a way of introducing the new baby to everyone there. Jeonghan was thrilled to see how they'd taken it and had made a big deal out of it; it just went to show that they were having a child because they wanted one, and not because they were being encouraged to start a family by the government, and that was exactly the sort of family that he would want his kid to grow up in.

There was one slight issue with the situation, though, in the way that Minghao wanted a scan of the baby at the points in time that they would have been done in the time before. He wanted something to proudly show his friends and family, and he wanted to have the ultrasound scan photos of the baby on the mantlepiece. It was something that he'd always wanted, apparently, and naturally, Junhui wanted to be able to give him that. After all, it made it feel more like the child was actually his and not Jeonghan's, and that was quite understandable as far as the Handmaid was concerned.

Yet, he felt uncomfortable with the entire process.

For starters, they had to go to the hospital and claim that they were concerned about the effects that his previous household might've had on his ability to carry. It was a pretty big lie, but it was supposed to make the nurses want to do an ultrasound scan. On top of that Minghao had to add that he wanted the scan so that he would be able to monitor any abnormal changes in the baby's development, since he was concerned by how early Jeonghan started to develop morning sickness this time, in comparison to his last three pregnancies.

It was generally a rather uncomfortable experience for the Handmaid, especially with the nurses all starting to fuss over him and ask if he was experiencing any issues with the pregnancy. Surely they had seen this sort of situation before, in which a Wife desperately wanted to see their baby and so pulled a few strings to get what they wanted, but alas, they were still acting as if there was a serious issue with Jeonghan himself. That put him on edge more than anything, especially when they took him to a room and started to quiz him on what he did to be in that situation, since they hadn't really had a Handmaid go in after being hit before and usually those sorts got sent straight to the colonies for their disobedience. He shouldn't be allowed to carry another baby, they told him, but since he was already pregnant, there was nothing they could do about it.

When it was clear that he'd tried to encourage pregnancy, rather than doing what he could to avoid it, Minghao nad Junhui were invited back into the room so that they could watch the scan and see whether it was abnormal. Jeonghan was given a towel to cover his genitals, since he was still not allowed to wear underwear when he was pregnant, and then his robe was unclasped around his stomach and pushed to the side so that they would be able to prepare him for the ultrasound. Whilst he was certain that in the time before, they would talk the pregnant individual through the process of the scan first, this nurse didn't even bother; she used cold wipes on his stomach and tutted when he flinched, then squirted the jelly straight onto his skin and started to rub it against him using the monitoring device. It all made him jump and she was incredibly rough, but when that was all mentioned by the Commander, the nurse sweetly insisted that it was the regular procedure and it didn't hurt the baby one bit. He couldn't really say much after that, seeing as he wasn't supposed to be there for his Handmaid, as much as he certainly was, but Jeonghan could see the apologetic look on his face when he glanced over. It was the face of a man who was probably going to get more food as an apology for everything that went down, since that was his go-to solution for most things nowadays, and Jeonghan was rather satisfied with that result really.

The nurse continued to roll the device around on his stomach, although when Jeonghan moved to look at the screen, her voice lowered threateningly low as she informed him that he didn't have permission to look at the screen. It wasn't his baby, and any information that he found out about the baby would be from his Commander directly, so he needed to keep his eyes to himself. Again, Jeonghan wasn't too happy with that, but he turned his face and scrunched up his eyes so that he wouldn't even have the temptation to look over. It was rather horrible to have to sit there and wait it out, although Minghao started to stroke his hand whilst he waited, just so that he knew that someone was there for him.

It wasn't long before he heard a soft gasp from the Wife, though, and suddenly he found that keeping his eyes shut was a struggle. He wanted to see what was wrong, more than anything that he could possibly imagine, yet the nurse pressed the monitoring device down harder against his stomach at that point to remind him that his eyes were to stay closed. As a result, he was left waiting in anticipation until Junhui impatiently asked the nurse whether he could tell his Handmaid already. He didn't want Jeonghan to be left assuming the worst, even though it wasn't necessarily any of his business what was going on, and apparently that satisfied the nurse, as she gave him permission to do so.

Junhui's hand replaced Minghao's on his fingertips as he moved to kneel next to the bed. "Eyes on me, Ofjunhui, you don't need to see what's on the screen at the moment," he said firmly, in a way that Jeonghan had never heard from him before, and the Handmaid suddenly felt small as his eyes opened a crack. He was suddenly hit with a feeling that he'd screwed up completely and his baby was unhealthy or not even growing inside of him anymore, but when he finally managed to look at the Commander, he saw that his expression was soft and warm, despite the harshness in his words. It seemed that the way he spoke to him was for show in front of the nurse, since Junhui seemed to be more happy than anything else.

They made eye contact for longer than Jeonghan expected, with the Commander just stroking his hand as he avoided doing so much as blinking. Jeonghan figured that it was supposed to be affectionate, rather than threatening, so he eventually relaxed under the Commander's touch.

"Ofjunhui, you're carrying perfectly healthy twins."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost to the end of Ofjunhui, but this one was always going to be a relatively easy placement. Junhui and Minghao seem like the sort to just get on with things and take staff in as if they're a part of their family, and generally just live in harmony bc they don't know why they would treat anyone differently to that. I hope that that's sort of reflected in this chapter a bit!!
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	18. Twins

Jeonghan couldn't really say that his pregnancy ran smoothly from that point onwards.

For starters, he was left with some conflict over the fact that he simultaneously wanted to find out more about the babies, and also wanted to distance himself as far away from them as possible. Minghao and Junhui were always so excited to show off the scans to their friends and family, and they even had the photos from each stage in the babies' development framed on their mantlepiece. Jeonghan wanted to avoid it more than anything, since he knew that he would end up getting attached to them if he saw the images of them growing inside of him. It wasn't exactly possible, though, if he was being completely honest, and it just made everything difficult for him.

He didn't want to be that sort of guy to ask them to put the images away whilst he was in the house. After all, they were becoming parents for the first time and they were excited to be able to have children together. It seemed rude to make such a request when they were giving him a home and so much good food and generally supporting him as much as they could manage. Yet, it gave him a strange spark of anxiety whenever his eyes brushed over the images. His head would snap away with such force that he was sure it'd break his neck someday, and he would instantly feel as if he was dissociating. He didn't want to make the connection between his bump and the babies who were framed so perfectly.

Then there was the issue of the Guardian. The Aunts had insisted on it, despite his protests, and he instantly kicked into fight or flight mode. Whilst he could tell that this Guardian was unlike the past one - in particular, that he seemed to be incredibly experienced and didn't even raise his fist to the Handmaid - Jeonghan still had some strange feeling in the pit of his stomach that was warning him against getting too close to him. It might have been the way that the Guardian didn't even talk to him when they walked together and would actively avoid getting too close to him, but Jeonghan knew that something was off about the guy.

Admittedly, he was a lot better than the first Guardian, though. On one occasion, his hand brushed against his baton and without thinking, Jeonghan dropped into a crouch as he covered his head. It wasn't something that he'd ever done before - not even with the first Guardian - but he'd had such a strong urge to drop and cover his vulnerable areas that he had to go through with it anyway. After a moment, he realised that the Guardian wasn't going to hit him and slowly stood again, feeling incredibly embarrassed as he did so, and whilst he wasn't allowed to look directly upon the guy's face, he could tell by sneaking quick glances that he looked rather distressed at the reaction. He wasn't going to say anything, though, and simply made sure to keep his hands as far away from his belt as possible from that point onwards.

It was comforting to see him acting like that, admittedly. Jeonghan ended up discussing it with Minghao, as he'd never really seen that sort of behaviour before. Either the Guardians were incredibly rough with the Handmaids - especially the ones who would dig cattle prods into their hands and thighs if they disobeyed orders - or they were impersonal. This one obviously tried to be impersonal, but it didn't really work out how he'd expected it to. He didn't like to see the Handmaids quivering in fear over his actions, and had probably been in the job for long enough to see some real damage being done. It was appreciated, but it was still not preferable for him to be around, frankly.

On the contrary, the pregnancy did run without many physical complications. Other than his anxiety when he was around the Guardian, the only big issue that he had to deal with was anaemia. That was something that was apparently highly likely when carrying multiple babies at once, so it was somewhat expected, but then again, it was hardly fun for him. He was glad that it was just that, though, and by the time he'd given birth, it would have probably sorted itself out.

At around thirty-six weeks into the pregnancy, his labour hit. Thankfully he'd been with Minghao at the time, since the Wife certainly wasn't going to send him on a walk when he was getting such severe labour pains that he felt as if he was on the verge of vomiting. Minghao had been reluctant to call the Aunts and ask them to come and collect the Handmaid, since he'd always hoped that his kids would all have home births, but frankly he didn't know how to deliver a baby and there was no other choice when the risk of screwing up and hurting either Jeonghan or the babies was high. Of course, Jeonghan completely understood that and didn't hold it against the Wife, even though he would have preferred a home birth too.

He desperately clung to his stomach with all of his might as he was taken through to the centre. He knew that the place was going to be his cause of death someday, especially when he was placed down on the labour bed and the swarm of Handmaids came in to help him to deliver his babies. There were three Aunts nearby so that two could take the babies and the spare one could help to control the crowd of Handmaids if need be. They tended to get overly excited about that sort of thing, as common as it was for them to help deliver the babies in the neighbourhood.

He knew that he wouldn't take it all too well from the way that his robe was roughly pushed up under his back and his thighs were clamped open by two of the Handmaids. It was just a precaution, the Aunts told him, in case he thought that closing his legs mid-push was appropriate. Jeonghan didn't know who would possibly think that that would work, but he accepted it nonetheless and prepared himself to push.

That was when the chants started. They gave him a headache, and it wasn't really what he wanted his babies to hear for the first time when they came into the world. Dozens of women and men crying out for him to keep pushing in a way that sounded like a bad hallucination. He hated it more than anything that he'd experienced so far and he knew full well that he wasn't going to get out of it in his next few placements either, unless they found another Guardian to hit him. He tried to block it out by closing his eyes and pushing whenever he felt a contraction hit, but they only grew louder when the crown of the first baby's head started to show.

He supposed that it encouraged him to get it over and done quicker. The Handmaid ensured that he was pushing as hard as possible each time until one of the Aunts was able to ease the baby out of him. It gave him a momentary break to catch his breath as the Aunts snipped the umbilical cord and wrapped the baby up in a blanket, before taking it over to Minghao in the waiting room. From what Jeonghan could tell from the excitement of the other Handmaids, he'd delivered a boy, and they were all happily chirping about how he'd done so well to get the first baby out so well.

The fun started with the second one, though. He had to fight the urge to snap at them all to shut up as their chants started again, and he didn't even know why he was getting so touchy over it considering that he'd made it through the first birth without snapping at them. It was just a pain, though; he wanted to be able to relax and get over his labour, and they were shouting in his ears again. It made him feel claustrophobic and anxious, and suddenly he didn't feel as if it was worth it to carry for couples anymore. He could have dealt with it if he was giving birth on his own, since it would be more of a private event, but apparently, privacy wasn't a thing that Handmaids were ever really given.

Thankfully, the second baby came out a lot easier than the first. It meant that he could relax and ignore the gushing over the baby from the Handmaids. Of course, he still picked up that the second baby was a boy too, but other than that, he blocked everything out until he was given the opportunity to shower and get himself ready for dinner.

It was that simple. He didn't even get to see Minghao or Junhui again, nor did he get to see his babies. He supposed that his avoidant attitude towards the situation helped him to pull through without even feeling the need to give any consideration to the babies this time, but it was still rather tough knowing that his time with his hosts was so short-lived. He wished that he'd had the chance to say goodbye to them properly, but that wasn't really allowed for Handmaids. In fact, they weren't even supposed to become close enough to be able to sit together in the evenings; it was supposed to be an incredibly distanced relationship, so the Aunts were hardly going to give him the opportunity to part from them with good wishes.

He liked to think that they would send him good wishes, though, and likewise, he would wish them good luck in raising the twins. Parenthood was hard enough as it was, without having two babies to deal with. It was going to be difficult for them, but Jeonghan trusted that they would do well. He spent a while in the shower, considering how it must've felt for them to finally be able to take their babies home and how he would have felt if he and his husband had had twins instead of Myungseok and Gu.

Of course, the fantasy was completely gone when he left the shower, though. Not only was he forced back to the reality of everything that was happening around him, but he was promptly greeted by an Aunt who wanted to talk to him in the office. He was confused, to say the least; he didn't think that he'd done anything wrong since he arrived back, and that was the main reason why he'd be into the office so soon after a birth. He was hoping that it was a reflection instead, but he couldn't help but sit there with his anxiety building once they were in the room.

The Aunt wasted no time in getting to work and promptly passed him some paperwork once she was seated. "It's for your next placement," she announced with a smile, "You're in high demand at the moment. I don't know what you did to Commander Lee Seokmin, but he's advertised you to so many of the Commanders that he works with. In a week, you'll be Ofmingyu - I'd recommend keeping that one quiet so that you don't make any of the other Handmaids jealous. He's incredibly attractive, you know, and everyone wants to bear his children. After that, you'll be Ofchan, and then Ofs--"

"I'm sorry, Aunt, but how many are currently lined up for me? That already sounds like quite a lot, and I'm certain that I was only supposed to have around five children in the system in total," Jeonghan interrupted. Whilst he would usually be punished for speaking over someone like that, the Aunt could tell that he was alarmed by the list and so didn't call him up on it.  
"You have five more lined up at the moment. Would you believe that a Commander and his Wife would be willing to wait for five years for you? That's a huge achievement, Handmaid."

It didn't sound like a huge achievement, if he was being completely honest. It sounded like a death wish, above everything else, and he knew that he wasn't going to make it through if he was going into placements back on back. He didn't even know if his body would be able to handle that many pregnancies, and he was pretty damn sure that he'd have aged out of the system by that point. "Don't worry, we'll keep you going until you've finished this lot, and then after that, you'll be able to retire," the Aunt informed him, although it didn't really do anything to comfort his discomfort with the entire situation. He was essentially going to be worked half to death and then married off to a wealthy man so that he could further fuel the system.

"With all due respect," Jeonghan started as he looked up towards the Aunt. He let his eyes rest on her mouth, instead of her eyes, so that he wasn't breaking the eye contact rule. "I don't know if my body will be ready to carry another baby just a week after I've given birth to twins. What if I'm unable to conceive because my body isn't ready? Wouldn't that be a huge disappointment for the Commander and his Wife?" He skilfully added the last bit in, hoping that it would make it seem as if his concern was for the system instead of his own body, which seemingly sat okay with the Aunt as she leaned forward to stroke over the back of his glove.

"I'm sure you'll be able to conceive. We're giving you extra food and vitamins at dinner today so that your body will recover quicker for your next placement. If your Commander wishes to give it a bit of extra time, he can arrange that with us personally, but I think he'd just prefer you to get on with it." Before he could protest anymore, or even make a comment on that statement, the Aunt informed him that he needed to go straight to dinner and get his supplements before the other Handmaids took them. There was no room for argument and she immediately turned towards the paperwork on the desk again to show him that she wasn't interested in anything that he needed to say, and suddenly Jeonghan felt his heart sinking in his chest as he made his way out of the office.

The last thing he wanted to do was get pregnant again so soon after giving birth. He couldn't stand the thought of essentially being a breeding pig for the next five years, carrying each person's child for them and pretending that he was one hundred percent okay with it. He tried to keep up a positive exterior when he was around the Commanders and Wives, but they didn't even know how tough it was on him. He experienced aching in his back and his feet swelled in his shoes. His uniform was still scratchy against his skin, even after hundreds of washes, and the entire system seemed to be out to make his life hell. He couldn't even begin to explain how much he was coming to hate the job already, after just two placements.

But it was something that had to be done.

Jeonghan couldn't really say that the positives outweighed the negatives for this particular job, but he supposed that at least he was doing his bit. Perhaps as they grew to be closer to higher national populations, fewer Handmaids would be taken on, and then they wouldn't have to worry about his children being in that position in the future. Whilst he trusted that the vast majority of the Commanders wouldn't give up their sons or daughters to a system like that, there were only very limited spaces for Commanders in the military, and he was certain that not all of them would be able to become Wives either. At least one or two of his children would end up becoming Handmaids if they hadn't reached target birth rates by the time they grew up, and that thought alone terrified Jeonghan.

Perhaps he could put his disapproving feelings to the side for a while, he decided. If he thought about his placements as a fraction of his whole Handmaid experience, it would probably end up going a lot faster; it would be a total of seven placements, so he'd already made it through one-quarter of his experience, which was pretty good considering that he was still so young. He only had a few more placements to go until he got a little piece of his individuality back and finally got to either choose a husband and move on from the system for good, or he could find a way to locate his first husband and try to fix everything that had been destroyed when he was taken.

That was a comforting thought that would just about get him through for the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I'd like to apologise for the fact that it's taken me almost another full day to get this chapter out. I had two assignments due for this afternoon at 2pm and they were actually causing my entire life hell. It was probably the worst thing I've ever had to do, especially since my friend spent the entire night telling me that I'd messed up severely by not including something specific in the assignment (although thankfully an email to the head lecturer confirmed that it's not a big deal).
> 
> I'll try to answer messages as soon as possible but there's 1000 things I have to do before Tuesday night. I'm hoping to get Thursday's chapter written up and then ask my sister to post it for me or something because unless my drips come back okay, I'll be in hospital on Thursday too and I'm only allowed my phone and a book because of the effects of stress on wound healing. But I suppose we'll see how things go and you'll get your good old Ofmingyu chapters soon enough!!
> 
> Thank you for your patience <3


	19. Ofmingyu

Jeonghan already knew exactly what he was doing when he became Ofmingyu, but that didn't mean that he knew what to expect, if he was being completely honest. As with the previous placements that he'd been into, this one started out as something very different, and so it was another very unique experience in comparison to what he'd been taught to expect.

Instead of being greeted by one of the Marthas, he was greeted by the Commander's Wife. The Wife took him through to the office, but strangely, the Commander wasn't present. In fact, he was promptly informed that the Commander wouldn't be around and he wasn't expected to be getting back from work until late. When Jeonghan's curiosity got the better of him and he asked about the other staff, the Wife's neutral face was touched with a slight smile. "Actually, we don't have staff here. I cook and clean, and Mingyu does what he can to help out, but he's generally very tired after work so I don't expect him to do much."  
"And what chores will I take on?" The Wife's smile only grew at that question, although Jeonghan didn't really see why that would be. It took a moment of silence for him to actually explain it to him, though, as if he was expecting him to be joking or something.

"You don't have chores; you already have a full-time job. Perhaps just clean up after yourself when you make a meal and make sure that you change your bedsheets once a week. Remember, you're not hired as a member of staff in our household; you're essentially a live-in surrogate, and that's how we expect you to live. Take care of your body and the baby first, and worry about doing chores later." Jeonghan wasn't expecting that sort of response, although honestly he was somewhat relieved that he wasn't expected to fill in for the Marthas who weren't present in the household. It would've made an already difficult situation even worse. He loathed the mere thought of it, but at least it was something that he could push to the back of his mind now.  
"Do I have to go for walks with the nearby Handmaids still?" he asked to take his mind off it, although he was certain that he already knew the answer. Although Minghao and Junhui were relatively relaxed with most rules and didn't enforce most of what was expected from the Handmaids, he still ended up going on his walks, and Jeonghan was honestly okay with that for the most part.

Yet, the answer he was given came as yet another surprise. The Wife stood in silence for a while as he tried to figure out how to respond to that question, before finally giving a little shrug. "I mean, I guess you can go on walks if you want. I was under the impression that the Biblical term 'Handmaid' means that you're essentially supposed to be a companion for the Wife, but I suppose if you'd like to go out for a while, you can do.  
"I... I don't know if I actually want to go around with the Handmaids," Jeonghan admitted quietly, making sure to give his excuse as quickly as possible before the Wife could change the topic. Whilst he did enjoy the freedom of going out into the town to shop with the other Handmaids, some of them were rather disfavourable and he suddenly decided that if he had the option to choose whether he wanted to go out with the other Handmaids every week, he would probably be more inclined to stay in with the Wife. He seemed like a nice person, after all - not too firm or too bitter - plus he guessed that it was nice to get to know the people who were going to be raising his children in the future.

"Well, if you'd like to go out on walks occasionally, I'd like you to let me know. Either we can contact one of the other Handmaids and ask them to go with you, or I can come along instead. I understand that you'll probably end up going stir-crazy if you're stuck inside the house for the next ten or so months without any opportunity to see other people."

He was a dream. Jeonghan could feel his heart pounding in his chest as he realised that the Wife was actually serious - he did want to go out with him and was more than happy to be his companion. Perhaps that meant that he wouldn't have to have a Guardian either; that way, he would probably have a less stressful pregnancy. He would mention that to the Wife at a later date, maybe alongside a sob story about what the past Guardians did to him.

Finally, he was taken on a tour of the house and informed that the Commander was expected home at around eight o'clock. That would be after they'd had dinner, so Jeonghan had the option to either go to his room after they'd eaten, or sit with the Wife. Either way, he was required to be awake and ready for when the Commander arrived home from work so that they could get their introductions out of the way. He probably wouldn't want to talk too much, but the Wife was certain that he'd missed a few things out when he was talking to Jeonghan about the process that they were going through. He didn't want to leave it as a surprise for several days - and risk having them forget in the process - so if Jeonghan wasn't sat with him, he would have to watch his timekeeping for the rest of the day so that he would be ready on time. Jeonghan was completely fine with that and decided that it would be nice to sit with the Wife and get to know him a bit more, so that was decided and they agreed to bond once they'd eaten.

Surprisingly, even his room was rather humble. Jeonghan was glad that he was staying with another couple who were willing to push away from what was expected of a Commander and Wife, since it certainly helped to make him feel a lot more comfortable in their household. He could breathe now that he had the opportunity to sit back and think about everything that was going on in his new life as Ofmingyu, and he was actually rather happy that he'd turned up now. Whilst he was still unsure as to whether he enjoyed being a Handmaid or not, especially now that the Aunts were starting to show their true colours to him, he supposed that he could deal with this placement pretty well if it was always going to be like this - nice and welcoming and generally rather calm. Of course, he was still a bit wary about the fact that Wonwoo didn't want him cooking or cleaning, but he supposed that all of the Wives had their preferences for what their Handmaid should and shouldn't do, so he wasn't prepared to complain about it or anything.

After around an hour or so, it reached the point where he was supposed to join the Wife for dinner, and so Jeonghan slowly made his way through to the kitchen to meet him. He was rather nervous about walking through the house on his own, but following the scent of home baking was enough to get him there without getting lost. It wasn't a huge house either, since the Commander and his Wife much preferred a smaller living space so that it would feel much more homely - or so he told Jeonghan - so he felt a lot better about getting around without having to go searching for the various rooms of the house. It was something that he'd struggled with a lot when he was in Junhui and Minghao's house, and he would honestly much prefer to get away from that sort of thing, he decided.

When he sat down, the Wife brought him his plate and took a seat on the opposite side of the table. "I don't think I introduced myself properly, did I? I must've forgotten in the commotion of everything and assumed that someone had told you. My name is Wonwoo." He offered up a smile to Jeonghan before getting started on his food straight away, not dwelling on the introductions all too much. The Handmaid guessed that even under the circumstances where they were trying to be progressive and return to past times, the Wives weren't really supposed to ask the Handmaids what their birth names were, and he could completely respect that. He did somewhat hope that the Commander would ask him, though, since he didn't want ten or so months of being referred to as "Handmaid" in this placement, but that was something that he'd think about when he came to it - not right now when he was supposed to be eating.

They were relatively quiet during the meal. Jeonghan didn't know whether it was due to the Wife not having something to say, not being used to having company over dinner, or whether he didn't like people talking whilst they were supposed to be eating. He didn't dare to ask, just in case it was the last option, but occasionally allowed his eyes to slip up to Wonwoo's face. He studied him as he ate, taking note of how calm he was and how he wasn't all too fond of getting food on his fingertips. He would scowl slightly and try to brush it off his hands whenever it touched him, and Jeonghan found that he was staring more as he tried to figure out whether particular foods triggered that response more than others. In the end, he determined that Wonwoo disliked most of them equally, but he was particularly bothered by the thought of fluids touching his hands.

Finally, they finished up and went to sit together in the main room. Wonwoo was clearly torn between leaving the dishes for a little while and leaving the Handmaid in order to get them all washed up but ultimately decided that it would be rude to ignore a visitor in favour of cleaning up. Jeonghan would be back in his bedroom after they spend some time with Mingyu anyway, and besides, he would just have more washing up to do from the Commander if he waited, so it made more sense just to leave them for now. Again, he seemed to be a bit bothered by that but did it regardless, making sure to take his mind off it by chatting with Jeonghan about everything that had happened to him so far in his journey. They ended up discussing a lot about his previous placements, mentioning a bit about how he was caught by the Guards and taken through to the centre, and he even ended up telling Wonwoo about his past life. It wasn't something that he would usually tell a Wife, but he seemed so curious and genuinely interested to find out about him as a person, rather than him as a Handmaid. Jeonghan figured from their discussion that Wonwoo was a particularly intelligent man, and so he trusted him with all of the information that he was giving.

Mingyu turned up just after eight o'clock, and Jeonghan suddenly saw Wonwoo's eyes light up when he heard the door. He tried to play it off as best as possible, acting as if he wasn't excited for his husband to be home, but it was very clear that he was thrilled to have him back from work. He was itching to go over and fuss over him but was trying to be modest in front of the Handmaid. Surprisingly, though, he didn't fall victim to his own desire for attention, as he waited it out on the sofa for as long as possible before calling through to his husband to inform him that his dinner was on the kitchen side, and he would be taking the Handmaid through to his office in exactly fifteen minutes to meet him.

Wonwoo was very precise with his timings, making sure to take Jeonghan through to the office at fifteen minutes on the dot. He seemed happy to see his husband there as soon as he opened the door, although he did try to remain modest in front of Jeonghan still. He made a beeline over and sat close by - unlike Minghao, who had sat straight on Junhui's lap - then invited Jeonghan to sit in front of them.

The first thing Jeonghan noticed about Mingyu was that he was incredibly attractive. In fact, he and Wonwoo were an almost painfully attractive couple, and frankly he didn't know what to make of it. Of course, it wasn't something that really bothered him as such, but he did feel some pressure from the fact that he needed to keep up the standard and produce a beautiful child for them. Secondly, though, there was his bright smile and the way that he leaned over the desk towards the Handmaid in an almost nervous manner.

"Hello, I'm Mingyu, your Commander for the next few months. I've heard that Wonwoo has gone through most things with you." The look he shot Wonwoo made Jeonghan's heart stop. There was so much admiration between them, and it left him with a sense of longing. He mumbled something under his breath, to which Wonwoo shook his head quickly in response, and then they both turned back to face the Handmaid. "I'm going to make things nice and easy. Your main job here is to provide company for my Wife. He likes to read books and even though he looks moody, he loves to be cuddled, so I hope that you'll be able to provide him with that. Other than that..."

He paused again, giving another glance towards Wonwoo. It was suggesting that the Wife was essentially the head of the house, although Jeonghan would never make that observation out loud. "We... uh... well, we're not fond of the ceremonies, since they made our last Handmaid stressed and she couldn't conceive in the end. So we'd much prefer to go for it whenever you're in the mood, and then if we're really struggling in the final month, maybe we can get other Commanders involved."

"Like... like a breeding party?" Jeonghan asked quietly, trying his hardest not to let his eyes widen in the process. The Commander simply let out an awkward laugh before shrugging.  
"I guess you could call it that. Of course, it would be subject to you wanting to do that, so if you were really against the thought, we wouldn't try to push it on you or anything." It was probably strikingly obvious that Jeonghan felt rather awkward about the suggestion. He could see Wonwoo studying his reaction to it and then gently grabbing Mingyu's thigh under the desk. He wasn't all that subtle about the move, although it did prompt Mingyu to change the subject immediately to the magnetic noticeboard on the fridge. It started going into a discussion about what sort of things they put on the board - requests for meals, shopping lists, thoughts, and moods.

The Handmaid was suddenly hyper-aware of the fact that the Wife was monitoring his reactions to everything that was said. In fact, Wonwoo only started to calm down when it was clear that Jeonghan wasn't all too bothered about what was being said anymore. He only started to relax more when Mingyu began to explain his curfew and why it was in place - they tended to extend their intimacy outside of the bedroom and didn't want the Handmaid getting caught up in that - before suggesting that perhaps he take an early night and think about if there was anything that they could do to help him settle in.

It was all a rather surreal experience, frankly. Jeonghan didn't really know what to make of it, especially after having discussed the idea of a breeding party with the Commander. It was something that he'd never expected to hear from any man, let alone one who was essentially his boss for the moment, but if he was being completely honest, he probably wasn't as bothered about it as he knew he should be. It sounded like what he'd heard about past times where everyone was so desperate to conceive that they would take as many guys as possible in the process. It was also something that gave him a little bit of guilty pleasure, frankly.

Yet, he tried to push it to the back of his mind when he was dismissed and allowed to go to his bedroom. It was something that he didn't want to think too much about, in case it made him feel as if he was touching on the experiences that he would have had if he hadn't been thrust into the Handmaid programme, but he was still happy that it was an option that was available now that he'd joined a couple who were absolutely dedicated to getting both their Handmaid and baby through the system as best as they could manage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we have our next couple, and it's progressively getting to be more and more normal for Jeonghan!!
> 
> Now, he'll be with them for a while, but this is where it starts to get pretty real so there's a lot of things to look forward to
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	20. Reading

Just a day after he moved into the house, Jeonghan was given his first opportunity to read with Wonwoo.

Generally, the Wife wasn't all too patient. He sometimes had a short temper, especially when Mingyu was teasing him, but apparently, he had a very loving temperament when it came to books. It was the one thing he loved more than anything in life, and so he was more than happy to teach Jeonghan to read, if he wanted to learn. Of course, they would have to keep it incredibly low-key, as he wasn't really allowed to read now that he was a Handmaid, but after so many different placements with different rules and different families, Wonwoo was certain that Jeonghan wouldn't rat him out over it.

He invited the Handmaid to the bedroom, in hopes that it would make his first experience with a paperback book more enjoyable. Jeonghan was instantly greeted by the sight of the Wife sat on the bed in a blue jumper and tight black jeans, and he quickly decided that the image was perfect. Wonwoo looked so peaceful in the centre of the bed, but also incredibly excited to get started with reading the book. The bedsheets were perfectly arranged on the bed, the night tables were perfectly minimalistic, and the way that the light trickled in through the blinds was perfect.

Jeonghan made his way straight over and accepted the invitation to sit on the Wife's lap. It was a justified request; Wonwoo needed to show him the book to encourage him to read the odd word for him, yet he still needed to be able to see the book in the process. Having Jeonghan sit between his thighs made for a perfect environment to teach him how to read the odd word, and it closely mimicked how a child would be taught to read at a young age. Jeonghan really appreciated that; it was something that showed him that Wonwoo was going to be a good parent in the future, and he really loved the fact that he was getting that little bit of an insight into how the Wife would be raising his children.

"Do you remember how to read Hangul?" Wonwoo's voice was gentle and encouraging, and despite the fact that Jeonghan wasn't at all confident in his ability to read the characters, he didn't feel embarrassed to admit it. He glanced around to see that Wonwoo was smiling a tender smile, and he reached over to his bedside table to retrieve a book. It was promptly brought forward into his lap, where he began to run his fingers over the worn out spine of the book. "Can you read the title for me, Jeonghan?"

Admittedly, it was a huge struggle. "키친" was a relatively short word, but he still found it difficult to figure out what each of the characters said and how to string them together. He'd never really been effectively taught how to read, seeing as there was always a good chance that he would become a Handmaid, so he'd always learnt by ear. His visual-to-oral fluency was painfully bad.

Yet, Wonwoo didn't give up just yet. "Do you recognise this one?" he asked as he pointed to the first character. The Handmaid stared at it in silence for a moment before taking a guess, based on what he could remember from his very early education.  
"Is it 'g'?"  
"Well... sort of, but in this case, it's 'k'. And the next one? Remember; it's a vowel next."

Jeonghan honestly didn't know that character. As much as he stared at it, it didn't ring any bells. He knew that it was sort of between an 'a' and 'eo' in appearance - if the horizontal sticks cancelled each other out - but it definitely wasn't a mix of the two. "I... I don't recognise it," he eventually said, to which Wonwoo responded by pressing his chin against his shoulder.  
"Don't worry. It's 'i'. How about you put them together now and try the next one?"  
He had absolutely no issue with sticking the first three syllables together, seeing as the third character was close enough to the "j" in his name for him to recognise it, and then adding the fourth character was easy enough after that.

"Then finally we have..." Wonwoo prompted him, "What do you think the last character is?" It took a lot more prompting for him to finally get that it was 'n' and string it together to read 'kitchen', but frankly, Jeonghan was incredibly proud of himself when he finally managed to get it right. He didn't know what the word meant, granted, since it was apparently a Western word, but he was happy to have it correct still. "In Korean, it's 'jubang'," Wonwoo pointed out with a smile as he opened up the first page, "I'm going to start reading it out loud, but you're more than welcome to ask me to stop at any point."

And so he began to read.

"The place I like best in this world is the kitchen. No matter where it is, no matter what kind, if it's a kitchen, if it's a place where they make food, it's fine with me--" Jeonghan found that right from the start, the book was nice to listen to. In fact, Wonwoo's voice was particularly nice to listen to as well. When he read, his voice was gentle and sweet and Jeonghan could feel the tickle of his breath against the side of his cheek as he leant towards the book. He quickly found himself relaxing back against the Wife's body, enjoying the rhythmic breaths and the way he could still feel Wonwoo's heartbeat whilst there were two cotton barriers between their bodies.

He wasn't really registering the delicate turns of pages, instead choosing to close his eyes in order to better listen to the words that were mingling with the cool air of the room. He felt as if he was starting to become one of the characters, away from his less than luxurious life as a Handmaid, and it was as if he was getting the opportunity to run away with his imagination for a while as Wonwoo helped him to indulge in that world. The way he told the story flawlessly - without as much as a stutter or awkwardly-pronounced word - reminded Jeonghan of the old storytellers from his childhood. He would often sit in front of the fireplace with his parents, listening to fairy tales on an old cassette, and the emotion and wonder in their voices were almost as good as Wonwoo's voice. Not quite as exciting, he decided, but rivalling the Wife's way of reading to him.

"-- the morning. That sofa was delectable. It was so big, so soft, so deep, I felt that once I surrendered to it I'd never get up again."

They had gotten quite far into the book after just a short amount of time. It was at that point when Jeonghan noticed the sudden shift in Wonwoo's attitude. The Wife promptly swept his veil to the side and shifted the robe's collar to reveal the bare skin of his neck and gradually started to nuzzle his way from Jeonghan's shoulder up to the soft skin. At that point, the nuzzles were exchanged with slow, deliberate kisses, and Wonwoo's voice grew to be even more delicate as time went on. He didn't stop with his reading, which Jeonghan was honestly rather surprised about, but his spare hand soon joined his lips in exploring.

Jeonghan didn't know how to address the issue. He felt rude not calling Wonwoo anything, but too distant to be able to address him by his first name. 'Wife' just seemed rude, but then again, there was no other way to really say it. In the end, he opted to move away from the touches, which seemingly startled the Wife as he stared at him intensely for a moment with an expression that closely mimicked a rabbit caught in headlights. "I'm sorry, did I make you uncomfortable?" he asked, not even trying to sound innocent in any way or form, and Jeonghan found that without that clear marker that he'd intended on dominating him, he couldn't even hold his ground against Wonwoo.

"I'm just confused as to why you're touching me."  
"Would you like me to stop? Tell me exactly how you feel about it; I won't get upset with you." Jeonghan felt a strange niggling feeling in his chest. He knew that it was wrong to accept the way that the Wife was touching him, but at the same time, he was always craving intimacy now that he'd flirted with the idea at Junhui's house. There were a thousand thoughts running through his head - about how it was wrong to touch another person when he was married, about how Wonwoo was married, and about the hand on his thigh was stirring up some interest in his gut - but he couldn't even find the words to suggest that he didn't enjoy it.

Suddenly Wonwoo stopped and disappointment flooded Jeonghan's body. He turned to glance at the Wife, who repeated his question, and so the Handmaid shook his head quickly. "I... I like it. I'm just confused because you and the Commander looked as if you were really in love with each other but now you're touching me like this."  
"We are very much in love," Wonwoo said nonchalantly, "But you see, with whatever happened to our last Handmaid, there's a chance that we're both infertile, so we made an agreement that we'd try to butter you up as much as you'd be comfortable with it. I don't intend on stopping my reading, but I suppose that I'm looking to get you to melt at the same time.

Wonwoo was so assured in what he was saying that Jeonghan couldn't help but give in to the temptation and allow him to continue. The reading continued as the Wife's lips grazed against the skin of his neck and ear, and his spare hand continued to rub over the top of Jeonghan's robe until he dared to pop some of the clasps open for the Wife to explore more. The reading stopped for a few seconds as he tried to figure out what was happening, but then quickly resumed when he realised that Jeonghan was giving him permission to continue.

It felt dirty but strangely good. Wonwoo's fingertips dipped between the layers of cotton so that he could gently caress the Handmaid's knee, then the hand gradually moved up until it was almost meeting the crease between his thigh and hip. Jeonghan let out a low moan, which frankly surprised them both, and he promptly grabbed the book from the Wife so that Wonwoo had two spare hands. He was quickly unwinding as a direct result of his desire to feel wanted by someone, and it was becoming increasingly obvious the more Wonwoo touched him.

The spare hand moved up towards his chest and slipped straight under the clothes, just as the first hand had done. It was gentle but also assured like his words had been; slow but deliberate like his kisses. He felt the Wife's fingertips finding his nipples, presented perfectly on top of slightly raised breast tissue, and a gentle pluck between two fingertips was enough to leave him dribbling milk down his front.

Wonwoo seemed surprised and quickly retracted both of his hands as he realised what had happened. "You're still lactating. Have you been pumping or expressing milk?" Jeonghan quickly shook his head and the Wife stared at him in horror. "How long has it been since you last gave birth?"  
"Four days. The Aunts said that I'd have a new placement after a week, but they meant the start of the new week. I had my last babies on Friday morning."

Frankly, the Wife looked disgusted. Jeonghan couldn't tell whether it was disapproval over the system or his recent pregnancy until he began to complain about how it wasn't right to use a person's body like that, but he was relieved that it wasn't an issue with the latter option. "They should really have more respect for Handmaids. You work for half of your life, putting your bodies through extensive stress, and if you don't manage to conceive within three months, your choices are to become prostitutes or work in the colonies. Even people who weren't fertile in the first place get treated better than that."

Jeonghan figured that changing the topic would be the best option, seeing as Wonwoo certainly seemed upset over the confession, and so he proceeded to ask him about why he wanted him as their Handmaid specifically. He understood that Seokmin and Soonyoung had advertised him to their friends, but that wasn't really a good enough reason to have so many couples interested in him. He'd considered that perhaps they were superstitious and believed that the cheonsa would give them beautiful, healthy children, but frankly Wonwoo and Mingyu seemed like they would be the least superstitious people out of every couple that Jeonghan had met. It wasn't the sort of thing that he expected from them, and Wonwoo was quick to agree that that wasn't their reason at all.

"I know that you have a great track record when it comes to having children. Five healthy babies so far; three sons and two daughters. No complications during birth, although you did have mental health issues after the birth of your first daughter, and whilst they gave you a month's supply of mirtazapine to make it seem as if they were helping, they cut you off cold turkey once you'd finished the pack. It was in hopes that you'd push each of your babies away, not even being bothered that they were going to a Commander and his Wife. I don't think that's right to do to a person, but I understand how you feel to a degree, since I was taken off my medication after a month too. Apparently, it's not a big deal for a Wife without a child to go without medication, since there's no child to stay healthy for. Go figure."

Jeonghan didn't know what to make of that information. It was something that he'd expected would never come out into the open like that, but a little part of him was glad that it had. It suddenly put some things into perspective for him, especially the bit about his medication. He'd always assumed that the worldwide crisis left the Aunts unable to find any medication for him, but it made a lot more sense for them to not want to give it to him in case he wanted to keep one of his babies. He felt numb when he heard it, even though he certainly wasn't surprised in the slightest. What did surprise him, though, was that Wonwoo had chosen him out because he felt a level of familiarity with him. It hit home hard and he didn't like the thought of Wonwoo struggling with his health because he couldn't bear children.

So he decided to change the topic slightly again.

"Can you find out anything you want to know?" he asked quietly as he pressed his back against Wonwoo's chest, in hopes that it would encourage him to give an acceptable answer. He could feel the Wife's heartbeat against his skin again and felt comforted by it. In fact, it seemed to comfort Wonwoo as well, as his arms moved to wrap around the Handmaid's small figure.  
"I'm sure I can find out most things if I dig deep enough. Is there something you want me to find out for you?"

Jeonghan wasted absolutely no time whatsoever in spilling out everything that he was feeling. He knew from the way that Wonwoo was treating the situation that he wouldn't be judged for it, and it quickly became clear that he was going to do his best to find out everything that the Handmaid wanted to know. The talk about his husband and kids captured Wonwoo's attention fully as he began to hold Jeonghan a little tighter in his arms when he heard how delicate the conversation was getting to be. It was just made worse when Jeonghan could feel the tears starting to prick in the corners of his eyes as he discussed how scared he was for Myungseok and Gu's safety, along with a confession that he hoped that they weren't separated, since Myungseok was an absolute expert at comforting his little sister when she was getting distressed.

He didn't mind so much when he felt the Wife pressed his forehead against his shoulder. It was an affectionate gesture to show that he was there for him, and he was glad to have that little bit of sweetness from Wonwoo, considering how upset he'd found himself getting over talk of his past. "I'll do my best to find out how they're doing and report back to you, okay? Just leave it to me and I'll tell you as much as you would want to know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I just got out of hospital this evening and finally we can post again!! I might still be a little slow with the posts over the next few weeks bc I'm still pretty high on pain medication and will be taking quite a lot of it for a while, but I'll try to get chapters out on time still!!
> 
> Anyhoo, this is where things might get pretty interesting; I'm not sure what everyone's expecting to come up, but it'll include plot twists oho
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	21. Family

Jeonghan didn't end up having a ceremony with Mingyu and Wonwoo.

It seemed to be completely unnatural and Wonwoo agreed with that completely. There was no point in being so preoccupied with something so ridiculous - doing Bible passage readings for something as simple as sex, making it so robotic, and using an additional person to pin the carrier down like some sort of breeding ass for the nobles - when Jeonghan was willing to comply under the premise that he would be treated with respect. Wonwoo had researched extensively and found that there was absolutely no advantage of performing the ceremony, at least not from a reproductive standpoint. In fact, the only bonus came for jealous Wives who thought that their husbands would leave them for younger Handmaids, but seeing as it was all very fresh in Korea at the time and the vast majority of Commanders and Wives in their generation had married for love, rather than status, it just caused unnecessary stress on the Handmaid's body.

Instead, they ended up having countless threesomes.

Jeonghan had never experienced anything like it in his life. Three to four times a week, either Mingyu or Wonwoo would meet him in his room and would escort him over to their bedroom. Jeonghan was the star of the show whenever they came together. Wonwoo had been insistent on it; they didn't want to make the Handmaid uncomfortable by being too touchy with each other when they still had private intimacy when he wasn't there, so the focus was on expelling their sexual tension that built from him being around the house. The tension was something that Jeonghan hadn't really expected, since it hadn't ever been an issue when he was in the other households, but it was something that was only to be expected when he was frequently faced with the Commander and his Wife brushing against his body at any given opportunity.

The passion would start with them kissing his neck and touching him all over, and it would eventually lead to them both filling him. Either they would take it in turns to fill him or, if the Handmaid was feeling it, he would take both of them at the same time. Taking them at once gave Jeonghan a sense of pride. It strangely made him feel as if he had control, especially since he was always given options by the Commander and his Wife when it came to it. He was even allowed to be vocal about how it felt, instead of having to stay quiet, and he even found that he was comfortable enough to shed his robe when they were under the covers together. There was no embarrassment about being naked with them, especially when they treated him so delicately.

What added to the fun that they shared was the fact that it involved more than just putting themselves inside of him. Jeonghan not only received a number of passionate kisses from both men but also got to enjoy foreplay whilst they were at it. He'd experienced Wonwoo's lips around his length and nipples, gently toying with him in rhythmic motions, whilst Mingyu greedily insisted that the Handmaid take a seat on his face. He would take pleasure in pressing his tongue against the curve of Jeonghan's ass and cramming his thick fingers inside of him to get him ready for everything that was due to follow. That was something that felt particularly dirty, but Jeonghan was hardly shy when the Commander insisted that he enjoyed it too.

Admittedly, whilst his experience with Junhui was rather good for curbing his primal need for physical attention, this was taking it to a completely new level. For the first time in a long time, Jeonghan started to feel as if his life was becoming normal. He didn't know exactly how it felt to have healthy relationships in past times, since he hadn't been alive to experience it back then, but he had a sense that this would've been it for interpersonal bonds. It was built on mutual respect, he still had a say over what happened to him and his body, and there wasn't a clear dependency on one particular individual.

Other than when it came to finding out information about his family, obviously.

Jeonghan was fully dependent on Wonwoo when it came to that. He'd so long to find out what had happened to his babies and husband, and he'd barely managed to contain himself when he was so eager to feel as if he was a part of his old life again. 

Six full weeks passed when he finally got the opportunity to meet the Wife in the study to discuss his past life, so Jeonghan was itching to get it over and done with once it was proposed. He'd been relieved that freeing up their afternoon had been an easy task, as it meant that they could get on with the discussion sooner, and it was an absolute relief when he found that Wonwoo was already waiting for him with tea and the stack of papers ready when he arrived. He was more prepared than Jeonghan was, and he loved that.

They started out by discussing how everything had been on that particular day, but Wonwoo was quick to catch on to the fact that he was nervous about it and so they soon moved onto the main discussion. He made sure that the Handmaid was comfortable before taking the stack of papers and starting to read the information out to him, but made sure to monitor his expression as he spoke.

"Yoon Jeonghan, born on October 4th 1995, in a village near to where Seoul used to be. Is that you?" When Jeonghan nodded, he noticed the slightest smile brush over Wonwoo's lips. "You'll still be with us when you turn twenty-three, won't you? I'll have to make you a birthday cake." The comment left a warmth in Jeonghan's stomach. He could feel his emotions already starting to bubble over, although he tried his hardest to hide how happy it made him. It was one of the little things, but it made him feel a lot more included to know that Wonwoo would be treating him like a friend and neighbour, rather than merely a surrogate or member of staff.

"So, I'll start by telling you about your children, if that's okay." Jeonghan was well aware of the fact that his eyes lit up when he heard that, and he could see Wonwoo settling on that option immediately now that it was confirmed as the right selection. "Your son was Lee Myungseok, born on September 22nd 2014," he said, making sure to check with Jeonghan that the information was correct before continuing, "He's currently living with Commander Kim Ryung. They wanted a second child but his Wife at the time couldn't stand the thought of having another Handmaid in the house after the Commander allegedly had an affair with their first Handmaid back in 2013. Unfortunately, she passed away last July, and so the Commander married his first Handmaid, Hong Jisoo. Myungseok's surname has changed to Kim, and he currently lives near to Mokpo, where he attends a private pre-school."

Jeonghan couldn't help but sigh a breath of relief. He could feel the telltale pressure of oncoming tears starting to fill his head, and for the first time in a long time, he could truly say that he was happy. Of course, he wanted to be the one to raise his own kids, but he was frankly amazed to find out who was taking care of his son. He knew from the moment that Jisoo's name was mentioned that his son would be well looked after, and it gave him a sense of hope that he would be able to see his baby again in the future. It wasn't really allowed but he figured that if he aged out of the system and managed to marry a Commander, he would be able to meet the other Wives without any issues. His friend would probably be happy for him to see his son again, even as a sort of uncle figure instead of a mother. It was certainly looking up for him now that he'd received that information.

Once it had all set in, Wonwoo continued by telling him about his daughter's fate. "Then you had Lee Gu, born on November 2nd 2015." Again, he waited before continuing, although this time, he seemed less happy to discuss the child. "She's currently with Commander Jung Daesung and his Wife, Jung Dohee. She's been renamed Jung Jaehwa, and they're living in Gyeongju. There's not a lot of information about her on the system, but her adoptive parents have been married for six years and haven't had any luck with Handmaids so far, so they're excited to take her in."

Admittedly, that was a bit of an anti-climax. Jeonghan had hoped that they would've kept her name at least, but he supposed that it wasn't something that he could really have a say in. It bothered him that his kids were so far away from each other and there probably wasn't any way of seeing her again, but he supposed that he could deal with the fact that she was probably safe and well-loved. He just hoped that he would have the chance to see her again in the future, even if it was rather unlikely.

"This is where you're probably going to want to brace yourself, though," Wonwoo warned Jeonghan as he flipped to the next sheet of paper, "I'm absolutely serious, Jeonghan. I've been considering whether or not to tell you about this for two days already, and I've had to check it out several times to make sure that it's absolutely correct." Jeonghan could feel his heart starting to beat faster as he anticipated how it was supposed to move forward. He didn't know what to expect, especially given that he'd already heard that his children were in good homes.  
"Is my husband dead?" he whispered, guessing that that was the only thing that would lead Wonwoo to make such a request.

There was a long silence between them, in which Wonwoo's eyes dropped towards the papers several times as he tried to avoid saying what was wrong. Finally, he let out a long breath and rubbed his face with a hand as he realised that he couldn't put it off now that he'd mentioned it to Jeonghan. "Commander Lee Jinho doesn't exist."

"What?" Those five words had destroyed Jeonghan's entire world in a matter of seconds. _Of course_ Jinho existed. They married on October 11th 2013 and had two children together. Jeonghan wasn't imagining that, and he knew it. "I... I married him, so he must've existed. I couldn't just get pregnant from an imaginary person, Wonwoo." He was raising his voice, as much as he tried not to do so, but thankfully Wonwoo didn't seem insulted by it.  
"I tried writing his name in both hangeul and every combination of hanja, and only one person in the military came up. He was born in 1924 and died in 1976, so I know it wasn't him. Your children have been marked as bastards in the government's files, and you've been marked as having never been married."

Jeonghan's voice caught in his throat. He didn't even know how to reply to start with. He was certain that Wonwoo would've researched extensively, just to be sure, but it didn't feel right in the slightest. "We... we married secretly in the back of a church. Could that mean that our marriage wouldn't be on the system?" he croaked weakly, praying for a miracle to come out of it, but Wonwoo's hands slowly reached out to grab for his.  
"It would've still been processed after this long."

Everything felt numb. He couldn't even say that he was feeling sad because that certainly wasn't the emotion that was leaving a dull throb in his chest. In that moment, he didn't feel like he was in his body; his arms felt too heavy to move, and his jaw too weak for him to speak. All he could do was stare at Wonwoo in silence, hoping that some good news would come from him.

The Wife noticed how badly he'd taken it all in, and it was clear that he was uncomfortable with the situation. Jeonghan noticed him swallowing nervously a few times before he turned back towards the papers. "So... so I decided to find out what could've possibly happened with the father of your children. I spent a few days researching into different aspects of the Handmaid process, since I wasn't actually in the programme to receive the additional organs so I wasn't sure about the process of becoming a Handmaid, and I found some confidential files that I wasn't able to access. Mingyu's position, as a Commander, meant that he was able to stealthily print out the files for me though. It's still a huge secret, so you can't let the Aunts or other Handmaids know that I've shown you this, okay?"

He slowly passed the papers over to Jeonghan, making sure that he was able to hold them properly in the process. "Let me know whether you recognise any of the men in these photos. If you don't, it's no bother, but if you do, I'll explain to you the significance of this project." Jeonghan glanced between the Wife and the papers a few times before finally building up the confidence to look through them. Each one had a name next to them, and the photos showed them in their military uniform. It was the uniform of a unit that he didn't recognise, but he guessed that Wonwoo would fill in the gaps if necessary.

Three pages in and he found what he was looking for. The fourth photo showed the man he'd married; Jeonghan immediately felt his stomach flip when he saw the man's face, and he could feel his grip starting to tighten on the paper. A glance at the profile showed that his name was Park Hyunwoo, and listed below that was the name of his Wife of twelve years - Park Soojin - and five children.

Jeonghan felt sick. His cheeks were tingling with embarrassment as he thrust the papers back towards Wonwoo, and he couldn't bring himself to even confess that he'd found his 'husband' on the list. The Wife shuffled closer to wrap his arms around him in an attempt to comfort him, then pressed a few very gentle kisses to his hair. "He's an asshole, Jeonghan. He volunteered for a programme where he tests the wombs of men who are supposed to join the Handmaid system. They pretend to marry the guys, and then have as many children with them as possible. If the guy refuses to have any more children within three to six months of a birth, they'll be moved into the Handmaid system and have their babies ripped away from them, whilst their 'husband' simply moves on to the next boy. If they make it to five children, the young man would be given a notice that his 'husband' died at work, and he'd be married off to an older Commander so that he wouldn't be raising that many children alone."

It seemed surreal. Whilst it shouldn't have made sense for that to be the case, Jeonghan completely understood for some reason. Everything made sense. Jinho - or rather, Hyunwoo - had been so insistent on them having another child right away. He wasn't prepared to give Jeonghan's body time to recover from the pregnancy, and he'd been firm about the fact that it was Jeonghan's job to do night feeds. At the time, he'd thought that it was just his beliefs about family roles coming into play, but now it seemed more likely that he didn't want to grow too emotionally connected with his children. In fact, he'd always acted as if everything was a matter of urgency. Everything from their wedding to their first time in bed together to their future as a couple. It was always as if they had limited time, and whilst Jeonghan's younger, naive self had always thought that he was trying to be with him and the children as much as possible before he had to go back to work again, it was apparent that he'd always been conscious of his time limits for impregnating Jeonghan.

The whole idea of that process was sickening. Wonwoo made sure to remind the Handmaid of it over and over again as he tried to comfort him. There wasn't a way for them to make complaints about it, seeing as they weren't supposed to have ever found out about that system being in place, but it was something that Wonwoo hoped to overcome in the future. He was planning to avenge the young boys who were being forced to live like that whenever the opportunity to expose it came to surface, and he promised that Jeonghan wouldn't have to worry about the other boys who would be forced to handle that fate for much longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Joshua becoming Myungseok's step-parent was very much unplanned until I started writing, but Asshole Jinho was something that was always going to be a thing - sorry about that!! It's been in the symbolism right from the chapter where they ran away together, for anyone with beady eyes, but I wasn't too sure whether anyone would end up figuring it out from that. I can always do a full list of the symbolism now that this chapter has been posted, but we'll see whether it's worth waiting until the final chapter to post that sort of thing!! I don't want to give too many spoilers, after all!!
> 
> Also, I've fixed a few screw-ups in the previous chapters where I've put the wrong dates, names and other information because I realised that I'd messed up with my facts, so there's that~
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	22. Breeding

By the time they got two and a half months into Jeonghan's placement, he started to get worried about the fact that he hadn't conceived. Although he'd been brought to expect it from Wonwoo's confession that they probably weren't fertile enough to produce a child with him and no amount of sharing him had been enough to get him pregnant, he still had a sense of dread every time he took a pregnancy test and it came back as a negative.

"It's fine, don't worry," Mingyu promised him, "Wonwoo has mapped out your previous pregnancies and has found the perfect date for the breeding party, if you'd like to go ahead with it still. He's an angel with that sort of thing; he's looked at the length of each of your pregnancies and at what time of month you must've conceived, and it should give the best chance for a pregnancy."

That was all Jeonghan wanted to do for them already. They treated him like he was a part of them, even going so far as to pick him up when he found out about how his husband hadn't been his in the first place. He'd been incredibly appreciative of it. They dressed him in some of Wonwoo's clothes and got the Wife to leave the house several hours before the Commander and Handmaid joined him. As a group, they made their way to a secret club - which admittedly looked a bit like a brothel, as far as Jeonghan was concerned - and he was given the opportunity to enjoy himself. It was supposed to take his mind off the fact that everything had crashed and burned around him, and he was so, so thankful for that. The bonus was that they encouraged him to start flirting with some of the Commanders who had gone there so that he would be able to see that there was a future for him aside from the scumbag who had fathered his children. He ended up on the laps of no less than five Commanders, and he loved having the feeling that he was wanted.

He also ended up meeting a lot of the Commanders who were supposed to be a part of the breeding party when he was there, so he had no worries when it got to the point where he was asked to go ahead with it. Of course, the party was all completely on his terms, too; he was welcome to stop it if he wanted, he could choose who exactly was going to be there, and the bonus was that he was even allowed to choose what he wore. If Jeonghan wasn't convinced beforehand, he was certainly convinced to go ahead with him by the time that all of that information had been given to him, and so he and Wonwoo arranged the date together before inviting fifteen of his favourite Commanders from the printed list that Wonwoo provided.

On the day of the party, Jeonghan had started out going through the ritual that Soonyoung had requested that he do prior to ceremonies back when he was in their household. This time, though, Wonwoo made sure to sit with him and help out where possible. It was the least he could do when Jeonghan was doing something so selfless for him. He made sure to wash the Handmaid's back and helped him to make his hair look pretty, and then wrapped him in a huge Egyptian cotton towel before promptly inviting him back to his and Mingyu's bedroom to get ready.

Jeonghan was a bit nervous about that, if he was being completely honest. He knew that he was going to have the opportunity to wear some of Wonwoo's clothes, but he didn't know how he felt about that. A part of him was conscious of the fact that he'd never had pretty things in his life and he didn't know how to act sexy in such attire. It was necessary to be at least a little bit sultry when he had sheer clothes on, he decided, but it wasn't really something that came naturally to him. The Wife didn't really care so much about his concerns, though, and instead got straight to work on finding him something nice. He started off by suggesting the short dresses that he personally never wore - they were gifts from the Aunts when he got married, in hopes that feminine clothes would encourage him to take on a wifely and motherly role - but then eventually started to work towards shorts, babydolls, and eventually a big shirt that he took from Mingyu.

The Handmaid was curious about the shirt. He couldn't imagine Wonwoo ever wearing it. Of course, he didn't really wear it outside or around the house, since it was more of a trophy from the first time that he and Mingyu ended up in bed together and so he'd turned it into a sort of nightshirt instead. The Wife put it on for a moment to show Jeonghan how it looked on him, and Jeonghan instantly knew that that was the right thing to wear. It was baggy, even on the sleeves, and the lower hem of the shirt hit Wonwoo's mid thighs, so it was probably going to be even longer on him. The popped buttons near the collar allowed him to be even sexier; whilst he didn't really know how to act like that when he was wearing feminine attire, he knew that objects of sexual interest wearing a guy's shirt was sexy enough, and he knew full well how he could appear attractive and fertile in more masculine attire. The way it sat on his body was the key and he knew that.

And so he ended up putting it on. Jeonghan was absolutely thrilled to have the shirt on and he didn't even bother with any of the underwear that was offered to him, despite the fact that he was literally being given the opportunity to wear what he'd not had the chance to wear for such a long time.

Admittedly, it had sparked Mingyu's interest before it sparked anyone else's. The Commander ended up hitting on him a bit, whilst constantly checking with his Wife that it was okay to do so, and one of his hands gradually started to make its way under the hem at the back of the shirt as he pulled Jeonghan close to his chest. His hand touched Jeonghan's ass and gave a gentle squeeze, and as much as he was embarrassed about it, Jeonghan simply erupted into laughs. It had led to some playful batting from Wonwoo as he informed his husband that their Handmaid wasn't a piece of meat, but Jeonghan knew that it was just Mingyu messing around with him. It wasn't supposed to be malicious in any way, or even hint that he wanted something beyond what his Wife could provide him with.

Soon enough, the other Commanders started to arrive. Jeonghan quickly grew nervous as he made his way through to the spare room and waited patiently for them to come in and greet him, and then when they started to arrive, Wonwoo made his way into the room so that he was able to make sure that none of them were being too inappropriate with his Handmaid. It was something that Jeonghan appreciated a lot; as much as he'd picked all of the Commanders out personally, he didn't want to get to it and have any of them think that being creepy towards him was going to get what they wanted, so he was glad to have that additional support so that he could comfortably reject them if he needed to do so.

Then it began. The first Commander was particularly gentle with him, making sure to prepare him first, and whilst it was nice to be treated with so much respect, he did rather want to see the Commander being dirty with him too. The guy was cute, and the thought of being bent over and completely ravished by him was something that Jeonghan loved. Of course, it didn't end up happening, but the thought was enough for the Handmaid for the moment. He didn't want to end up developing any feelings towards a selection of married men, after all.

The next few made sure to ask him specifically what he wanted. If he said he wanted it rough, they would treat him roughly. If he said he wanted them to be gentle, they would be gentle with him. It was strange for his word to be able to control anyone's actions, since he'd spent so long with minimal power and influence, but he was glad that they were respecting both his body and his wishes when they could have quite easily just done what they wanted. It was nice to have that bit of respect coming into play, and he was thankful that so many of them were so good to him. He was a symbol of fertility and motherhood, and they knew better than to act as if he was just something to screw.

The sixth Commander, though, was something completely different.

He was radiating an aura of masculinity right from the moment that he entered the room. If Jeonghan could get wet, he knew that he would have done as soon as he saw that Commander. It was strange; from the photos he'd been shown, he didn't really see anyone who was stunningly attractive, yet this guy was certainly a heartbreaker. The Handmaid knew that much from just making eye contact with him.

The Commander made his way over to the bed, and he promptly asked for Jeonghan's name before introducing himself as Commander Choi Seungcheol. He already had Jeonghan lined up as his future Handmaid, and he was excited to get to see how he was in bed before he had the chance to take him into his home. It didn't come out how he intended it to, though, and so he was left flushed and laughing awkwardly as he apologised for making it seem so weird. He just meant that his household was similar to Commander Mingyu and Commander Junhui's households, in which his Wife didn't necessarily want to be a part of the ceremonies, and so he wanted to make sure that Jeonghan was comfortable with that sort of thing. He'd heard that it caused a bit of tension in his last placement, but that Mingyu had buttered him up nicely and left him feeling a lot more comfortable with just regular, non-ceremony sex.

Of _course_ he had a Wife. Jeonghan felt himself getting to be disappointed, even though he already knew that. It was a given that he would have a Wife; it was one of the conditions of his promotion to a Commander. It was stupid for him to be so naive in thinking that he could be able to be a bit selfish and keep this Commander all to himself when he was done with what they were doing. He made sure to ask whether Seungcheol's Wife knew that he was at the breeding party, and he just smiled before confessing that he and his Wife no longer had sex, so they were more than happy for him to sleep with other people and join in with such parties, as long as he wasn't caught and punished for what he was doing.

Jeonghan figured that his Wife must've been asexual or something because Seungcheol was an amazing lover. He was being so loving and affectionate, even going so far as to kiss Jeonghan on the mouth when the time felt right to do so. He started out with gentle touches and slow thrusts up against his body, but as soon as Jeonghan's body began to unwind for him, he started to pick up the pace. It was what was expected from him, and he did what he could to not only stick a baby inside Jeonghan, but also make it feel like the most natural conception possible as well. The whole exchange felt amazing; there wasn't even the slightest hint of awkwardness of even a sense that Seungcheol was just using him as someone to sleep with, and Jeonghan genuinely felt wanted when they were pressed together.

It was only made better when he rolled over and encouraged Jeonghan to ride him. That was something that was seen as taboo in their society still, since it was something that was generally supposed to be a way of encouraging pleasure rather than the conception of a child, but Jeonghan loved it. It took him back to when he thought he was married and the different way that they used to make things more interesting in the bedroom. In fact, it was exactly like that in the end, as the Commander eventually asked him to move onto his knees so that he could take him from behind too. Apparently, he hadn't wanted to do that at the start, as it seemed incredibly impersonal, but it was the best way of conceiving a baby as it forced him to push in deeper inside of Jeonghan.

It was safe to say that Seungcheol was his favourite. A greedy little part of Jeonghan wanted him to be the father of his baby, and once he'd left, Jeonghan found that he couldn't really get into the breeding with the other Commanders. There was something about Seungcheol that had him completely captivated; something about his handsome features and loving nature and the way that he made it feel exclusive. He liked the feeling of being doted on, even though it was temporary, and they'd managed to connect in a way that no other Commander could come close to. Jeonghan knew that he'd developed the slightest of crushes in the short time that they'd had together, and he struggled to hide his bias for Seungcheol when it was brought up later that day.

Wonwoo knew that he'd developed a bias for that particular Commander without it even being mentioned, though. He playfully teased the Handmaid about the fact that he was very clearly attracted to Seungcheol, and he quickly suggested that perhaps he should work on upping his charm even further so that he could be the Commander's next Wife. Maybe he would be able to keep his child with him, and they would be able to get married and have a future together or something. He had a good chance of getting in with Seungcheol, seeing as a family's first Handmaid was always the one to give a lasting impression and he knew full well that the Commander and his Wife had only just started to consider having children together, so it was something that he could absolutely use to his advantage. Wonwoo even suggested that he could give Jeonghan tips on how to get the Commander to be his, too, since he'd ended up learning a lot about flirting when it came to convincing Mingyu to take him as his Wife back when they first met.

That was a ridiculous idea, but Jeonghan appreciated the fact that he wasn't being genuinely mocked or encouraged to refrain from getting involved with the Commander. Of course, if he was going to be his Handmaid, he would have to sleep with him again in the future, and if the Commander's Wife didn't get involved with ceremonies, it would probably mean that he could drop his professionalism for a while and enjoy the fact that he was going to be experiencing how it would feel to be Seungcheol's lover, but it was something that would have to be temporary and would need to comply with his duties as a member of staff. Of course, he wasn't even going to try to have a relationship with Seungcheol when he'd seen how badly things had turned out for Handmaids in the past - whilst it'd worked out for Jisoo in the end, he'd seen other Handmaids being stoned to death over sleeping with their Commanders outside of ceremonies, or they were kicked out of society completely if the execution had failed - but he liked the thought that perhaps the Commander would be able to father more than one of his children.

It was going to be his guilty pleasure from that point onwards. Jeonghan would try to keep himself composed, even when he was living with Seungcheol and his Wife as their Handmaid, and now that he was almost certainly going to end up falling pregnant, he could practice his self-control without having to worry about being invited to sleep with Mingyu and Wonwoo. It was something that would probably take a while, especially since he'd spent so much time warming up to the fact that a lot of Commanders and Wives were happy to brush the religious side to the placements to one side, but he knew that Wonwoo would help him with it if he mentioned that he was trying to prepare himself for when he needed to stand his ground. He couldn't allow himself to get involved with a married man like that, no matter how much he wanted to do so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's strange because this fic is moving so fast and so much has happened, even though I don't feel like I've been working on it for so long. I never really expected that I would be in this position with the fic, even with it all planned out, but I feel like Jeonghan has really developed as a character throughout?? Although he has submitted to the system, as it's been pointed out in some of the comments, he still has a sense of self and can still be grounded without having to worry about being like a robot or anything. Hopefully that's being portrayed a bit??
> 
> Anyhoo, we've pretty much met everyone now. I won't say how it's going to progress, obviously, but we're getting close to his next placement so there's that to look forward to!!
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	23. Ideal Future

The first thing Jeonghan said when his pregnancy test came back as positive was, "I'm not having a Guardian." After the last two Guardians, he was only prepared to put his foot down before he was forced to carry to term with one of them there. He was prepared to go down kicking and screaming if he was forced to have another one by his side, even if it meant that he would be punished as soon as he gave birth as a direct result of that.

Of course, Wonwoo didn't intend on getting him a Guardian and was willing to argue that with the Aunts. It was another thing that he saw as being unnecessary, and he hated the fact that they were expected to have one in their house. He promptly informed the Aunts that they didn't have enough room in their house and that he would accompany Jeonghan on his walks so that he didn't need to have an additional person around, and whilst they still tried to convince him to take one of the Guardians in, he continued to push for it until they gave up. After all, he wasn't going to have his Handmaid feeling scared because of some tough-looking guy who could quite easily kill him if he smacked him hard enough. He wasn't going to do that to his baby, either; the stress wasn't good for either of them.

Jeonghan was relieved. Wonwoo seemed to have done his research when it came to the pregnancies, and was determined to make the pregnancy as smooth for him as physically possible. He ended up having to make up a list for the Aunts, describing how exactly he could benefit Jeonghan and the baby's well-being more than one of the government-issued members of staff could, and sure as hell he kept to it. The list was incredibly long, including things that the Handmaid hadn't even considered to be particularly beneficial for the baby, but he appreciated it nonetheless. Just because he'd never tried any of those things with his previous births didn't mean that it wouldn't be helpful for him to give it a shot for this one.

The list of vitamins that he was going to have was rather extensive, but each supplement did something to benefit him. There were some to keep his iron up, so that he didn't end up getting symptoms of anaemia again, some to increase his folic acid and vitamin D levels past the recommended minimum levels during pregnancy, and then a variety of different vitamins and minerals, based entirely on his diet for the day. For the most part, Wonwoo tried to ensure that his diet covered those levels perfectly. Jeonghan would have bean sprout soup for breakfast with a small bowl of rice and a roasted piece of mackerel, plus a small bowl of berries at the side and a glass of semi-skimmed milk. Lunch would usually include some sort of lean meat, a lot of leafy vegetables, kimbap, a home-made rice pudding, and a glass of orange juice. Dinner would almost always be planned so that it would bump up his levels of whatever hadn't been covered by his other meals. Then he was allowed snacks if he was craving them.

As much as it probably sounded like Wonwoo was being incredibly controlling, Jeonghan rather enjoyed having such nutritious meals prepared for him. It wasn't like he was being heavily restricted, even though his calorie intake was being counted perfectly and adjusted when necessary, and he felt a lot better in himself knowing that he was being looked after so well. It was something that he would've probably been upset with whilst he was in any of his other placements, but he could tell that Wonwoo genuinely cared for him as much as he cared for the baby, so he didn't really mind all that much.

On top of that, he was quick to suggest light exercise and yoga as ways for him to get his body ready to give birth. Although it wasn't absolute whether those sorts of things would have any positive health effects, since there wasn't all too much research into that sort of thing, he knew that it would be a lot better to do something active to keep himself physically well on top of being emotionally well. It was something that Jeonghan was willing to give a shot; he'd been so concerned that his body wasn't ready to give birth again so soon after he'd given birth to the twins, so he needed to be able to get his body used to that thought again. As with the meal plans, the Wife was more than happy to join him with his exercises, and was incredibly helpful when it came to supporting him through that. It was something that he maintained for as long as possible, even when his stomach started to swell with the growing baby and he struggled to stretch as far forward as he had done at the start.

And then there was the reading. Jeonghan loved the reading, and he was absolutely certain that the baby would love it too. Wonwoo always invited him to sit in his lap as he began to read to him - although he swore to the Aunts that he was reading to his baby and it wasn't for Jeonghan's pleasure whatsoever. They seemed to be rather suspicious of the fact that the Wife might've been teaching him how to read, Jeonghan noted, since they always tried to catch them out on that sort of thing, but Wonwoo never let that slip. In fact, he'd even decided that if they were going to suspect him of that in the first place, he might as well just go ahead and teach Jeonghan how to read anyway. There was no point in avoiding it now that the Aunts were growing suspicious of it, and besides, he didn't even have to teach him actively. He could just run his fingertip under each word as he read it out loud and hope that the Handmaid would learn from that.

It was like a special sort of relationship that only he and Jeonghan would share. He knew that if his husband found out, he would end up getting scolded for risking their family like that, but Wonwoo was so passionate about teaching him to read that he didn't really care. He didn't want to be that sort of person who only did things for his own and his baby's benefit. If he was going to have someone new living with him, someone with a duty to spend time with him and keep him company, and that person wanted to learn, he was sure as hell going to teach them. He couldn't stand the thought of making Jeonghan sit there awkwardly and just listen to it passively without being given the chance to learn that skill for if he was going to read a book in the future. Obviously, he wasn't going to be in the Handmaid system forever, and so he needed to be able to learn those sorts of skills in the end, whether the Aunts agreed with them or not.

By the time Jeonghan was in his final trimester of his pregnancy, he was frankly rather good at reading. It still took him a while and occasionally Wonwoo still had to help him to sound out the words, but he knew that when he was able to have children of his own in the future, he would be able to read to them in the same way that Wonwoo read to his bump. He would be able to get the baby used to the sound of his voice in that way, perhaps even help it to develop a favourite story well before it was even born, and he would be able to develop his own language skills in the process. After all, if he was going to have an intelligent, happy baby, he needed to be able to pass on his own skills, and that wasn't going to end up happening if he wasn't able to read all that well.

As his due date crept closer, it was gradually becoming the only thing that they would do together. Admittedly, Jeonghan would've liked to do more, such as leave the house so that he would get a change of scenery, but there was only so much that his body could handle this time. He knew full well that it was the effects of having so many children back to back, but there was only so much that he could do about it. The Wife admitted that he'd been concerned about that too, and that it'd been the reason why he tried to keep him supple and well-exercised in the early stages of his pregnancy, but it wasn't something that they could really do much about. He was already pregnant and he couldn't really get rid of the baby now that it was inside of him, especially not whilst he was so far into it.

He was lucky to have such an influential Commander, though, and that the Commander was so responsive to his Wife's concerns. As soon as Jeonghan voiced his concerns about the number of children that he was being forced to carry in such a short space of time, Wonwoo made sure to pass that on to Mingyu, and in turn, Mingyu passed it on to one of his higher-ups as something that should be discussed with the Aunts. After all, if it was something that they were forcing on so many young Handmaids, chances were, they were affecting the national fertility rates in a negative way. The more they tried to push for more children, the more likely it was that the young Handmaids would be failing to produce children after fewer placements as their bodies began to shut down.

The Aunts had been reluctant to listen to such concerns, but when it had been pushed for several months and by a number of Mingyu's colleagues, they were essentially forced to accept that perhaps it was a good idea to give the Handmaids a break at times. It was a relief when one of them came to visit Jeonghan one afternoon to discuss his future placement - it wasn't something that was usually discussed whilst he was still living with a Commander and Wife, since it hinted that they wanted him to get on with carrying another child again before he'd even had the opportunity to give birth, but it was absolutely necessary this time, they said. They wanted to let him know that Commander Lee Chan and his Wife wanted to give him a month or two to allow his body to recover from his pregnancies before he went to join them in their household. They'd already had some issues with conceiving up until that point and had been through nine Handmaids so far with no success when it came to having children, and so they wanted Jeonghan's body to be the healthiest that it could be before he joined their family.

It was a relief. Jeonghan could feel the tension quickly leaving his body when he heard that. Admittedly, it did make him rather nervous to hear that he was going to be the tenth Ofchan, but he was glad that he would have the opportunity to recover before he had to face that hurdle. It wasn't something that he wanted to have to deal with so soon after being with Mingyu and Wonwoo, so it made him feel a lot better to know that his body was going to be respected in that way. He hoped that the Aunts would also treat him with a lot more respect when he got back to the dorms, although obviously that wasn't going to be a given. He could hope at the very least, and just pray that they would treat him with the respect that his body needed. Perhaps he could even play it a little so that they would be worried about permanently damaging his body and being persecuted for hurting a perfectly good Handmaid.

As stupid as it was, Jeonghan wanted that little bit of power. He'd gradually worked himself up since he was first taken; whilst he was made to follow the rules as Ofseokmin, he was given a little taste of the idea that rules were meant to be broken when he became Ofjunhui, and that freedom was only increased until the point where he was arguably empowered when he swapped to Ofmingyu. He wanted to keep that trend up when he went back to the dorms. Although there would be less things that he would be able to do without risking being punished for his actions, he knew that he would be able to get away with a lot more now that he was in such high demand from the Commander friends of Seokmin, and the last thing the Aunts wanted to do was hurt him. After all, if they did end up damaging him permanently, their reputation and wages would take a huge hit; there were enough Commanders behind Jeonghan by that point that they would end up suffering consequences. The ones who had children by him would be infuriated and the ones who were hoping for children by him in the future certainly wouldn't be all that impressed either if they were being made to wait several years for his services.

He made sure to point that out to Wonwoo when he had the opportunity to do so, figuring that it would give him the opportunity to learn some tips. The Wife was never the sort of person to discourage that sort of behaviour; Jeonghan knew that he hated the way that Handmaids were treated and wanted to give as many as possible the best year of their entire lives, which was why he was already planning on taking another Handmaid in soon after Jeonghan gave birth. Just as expected, his eyes lit up with excitement as soon as he heard about Jeonghan's plan, and he was immediately straight onto making a list of things that he needed to do to assert his dominance in the dorm. The bonus was that if he encouraged the other Handmaids to join in with his actions, it would form a sort of resilience, in a way, in which the Aunts would only have very limited power. They didn't want to hurt the Handmaids by getting the Guards to shoot them, and they weren't particularly fond of attacking them with the cattle prods either. On top of that, there were only usually around two or three available at any one time, and that many Aunts versus over one-hundred Handmaids would mean that their success would be near enough impossible.

Jeonghan had to hand it to Wonwoo; every day that he lived in the house with him, the Wife proved himself to be even more intelligent. He wasn't shy to give additional tips on how to show the Aunts how much he loathed what they were trying to teach whenever he thought of those sorts of things. Jeonghan was proud of the fact that his next child would be going to a person who would show them how to be fair and kind in such a harsh world, whilst still not taking any rubbish from anyone else, and that was exactly what his child needed. It was the sort of attitude that was going to lead them into a new world, in which Handmaids no longer existed and the fixation on increasing the world population was completely obliterated. It was what kept Jeonghan going; knowing that his beautiful daughters wouldn't be forced straight into the Handmaid system when they turned eighteen, and that his sons wouldn't undergo extensive testing to see whether their bodies would readily accept implanted wombs. There wouldn't be a need to go ahead with ceremonies, everyone would be free to marry whoever they wanted and would simply be encouraged to have children, rather than forced to do so, and everyone would be free.

It was the ideal future, and Jeonghan fully trusted that people like Mingyu and Wonwoo would take him there. He wasn't even scared when he went into labour and the reality hit that his baby would be given to the couple to raise as their own, despite the fact that it certainly wasn't genetically related to either of them. Once it hit, he was comfortably able to push the drone of the Handmaids' encouragement to the back of his mind as he focused on delivering the healthy daughter that they'd wanted for so long. He no longer cared how much the birthing process hurt and simply moved straight on afterwards, making sure to keep his fond memories of the Commander and his Wife fresh in his mind right as he prayed that they would make everything better. They'd proved that they could do it so far, and he had absolutely no doubt in his mind that they would be able to make everything better. It was Mingyu and Wonwoo's style to do that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little bit different, seeing as I really wanted to finish off his time with Mingyu and Wonwoo in a nice way. As much as he'll be getting a break, he'll be with his next placement soon and I feel bad for tossing so much angst at you all.
> 
> Hopefully it's still enjoyable though!! Thank you all for reading!! <3


	24. Ofchan

Jeonghan gave birth to a son for Mingyu and Wonwoo. He was forced to say his goodbyes and was promptly moved back to the dorm so that he could rest up before his next placement. He was given a month to recover and was promptly taken through to Commander Lee Chan's house. It was just another rinse and repeat of all of his other placements up until that point. By that point, he wasn't surprised by any of it. He hated the fact that he was leaving his Commander and Wife without even getting a proper chance to say goodbye to them or their son, but he didn't bother to argue against it this time. There was no point in doing so.

After such a streak of good luck with Commanders and Wives up until that point, he really should've been expecting something to go wrong this time. He knew that it was more likely that it would end up going downhill with Chan as a Commander, especially seeing as he'd already had a number of Handmaids before it'd even been announced that he would be Jeonghan's next Commander. He'd even been informed that Chan had had two more Handmaids whilst Jeonghan was living with Mingyu and Wonwoo, and neither of them had been able to conceive either. It wasn't looking good for Jeonghan, and he was honestly terrified about what the future held when it seemed so unclear.

An Aunt made sure to escort him again this time. It wasn't that she didn't trust him to go there on his own, but rather, she wanted to be able to brief him on the situation and ensure that he got into the house safe. Chan's first Wife had passed away around a year and a half before Jeonghan's placement with them, and only one of his Handmaids had ever conceived up until that point. The issue, though, was the fact that Chan's first Wife had been incredibly jealous of the fact that a Handmaid was carrying her husband's child, and so she proceeded to push the Handmaid down the stairs. He miscarried and after a difficult consideration from the Aunts' board for child protection, they decided that the Handmaid would be given three more months to conceive again. After all, it wasn't his fault that he miscarried and so they weren't prepared to punish him for that sort of thing. They were there to take care of the Handmaids and help them to have as many children as possible. If he couldn't carry in that time, the Commander's Wife would be executed, as it would be considered a crime against children. Then the Handmaid would be declared infertile but instead of being sent to the colonies as a result, he would get the chance to retire as a Wife.

Of course, Chan took the Handmaid as his next Wife. It was a bit of a pain for them, though, because the Commander hadn't been able to get another Handmaid pregnant since then, and it was infuriating because they knew that he did have the ability to impregnate a person - after all, he did get his Wife pregnant back when he was a Handmaid, and that was telling the Aunts that it wasn't something wrong with him but rather the Handmaids who were sent to him to carry his children. As a result, they wanted to get some of the most fertile Handmaids possible to go to their house and carry their children. It was something that was specifically Jeonghan's job at the moment, as he had one of the best track records to date - during his time as a Handmaid, he'd never miscarried once, never delivered a stillborn or disabled child, and he had more sons than daughters, which was always seen as being a bonus. The final point was something that Commander Chan had confessed to admiring more than anything else, although he did point out that he was okay with the thought of having a daughter, too.

Jeonghan was nervous, to say the least. In his mind, so many Handmaids being unable to conceive was showing that perhaps the Commander had very low fertility and his Wife only managed to conceive through trying a lot - he wasn't saying that it was definitely the case, but he knew that a lot of the Commanders did end up having an affair with their Handmaids behind their Wives' backs so that they could increase the chances of getting a child, and so they were probably sleeping with each other multiple times a day for him to be able to conceive. That wasn't really something that Jeonghan was willing to do, but at the same time, he wasn't really prepared to risk being sent to the colonies if he wasn't able to carry a child for the Commander. Ofchan was a cursed role, as far as the other Handmaids were concerned, and so he needed to do absolutely anything to survive, even if that meant dropping his morals for a couple of months.

Strangely, the Wife was a lot nicer than he imagined when he got to the house. Jeonghan had been incredibly on edge, but he seemed to be quite a nice person from the moment that he opened the door. He was a short man who could pass as being around eighteen or nineteen, although Jeonghan knew that he couldn't conceivably be that young, seeing as he'd married Chan around a year ago and had been his Handmaid before that. He would have to be at least twenty, he figured, if he took into account the fact that he would've had to go through training and the first two trimesters of a pregnancy. He offered up a smile to both Jeonghan and the Aunt before taking them through to the office and sitting them down. In fact, he even offered them both drinks, which Jeonghan hadn't seen before from any of the other Wives that he'd met.

"I have to apologise for the fact that my husband isn't here at the moment. There was an emergency at work this afternoon, so he's had to take a few hours out of his day off in order to sort it. He'll personally come over and introduce himself later on." The Aunt didn't seem all too impressed by that, but she seemingly understood. After all, she couldn't really tell him that he had to call the Commander to get him over to the house; as much as having a baby was important, his work was his priority, and they weren't going to be doing the ceremony that evening so it wasn't something urgent for the moment. If Jeonghan was going to be with them for up to a year, there was no need to rush introductions.

The Wife introduced himself as Jihoon and went through the basics of how their household ran, including the usual details about meal times, Jeonghan's duties, and what was expected of him. He informed the Aunt that he'd do the tour when she left, since he wanted to be able to run Jeonghan through all of his daily tasks, and she gave a nod before suggesting that perhaps she could leave now so that they could get onto it. She trusted that Jihoon knew how to introduce Handmaids to their household by that point, and she just wanted to check that he was okay with Jeonghan. The Handmaid's attention was captured for a moment as he tried to figure out what she meant by that, but the Wife just nodded knowingly and informed her that everything was fine before allowing her to take her leave.

Yet, that was when everything changed. Jihoon continued to chat idly with the Handmaid for just a minute longer before going completely silent as soon as he heard the front door shut. He made his way over to the window so that he could see whether the Aunt's car was leaving their property, and then as soon as he decided that she was far enough away, he turned back towards Jeonghan with cold eyes. The way he looked at him made a shiver run up Jeonghan's spine. It felt wrong, as if Jihoon had just been putting on a front to make the Aunt feel more comfortable with leaving him there, and for a moment Jeonghan couldn't figure out how to approach the situation. Jihoon's hands pressed down on the desk to show that he meant business, and he stared the Handmaid down with fire in his eyes.

"Right, you'll listen to me right now. I know how Handmaids are; I've been one myself for plenty of years. I've had five children, each by different Commanders, and I know that when you're desperate to avoid being sent to the colonies, sometimes you'll let the Commander spread you constantly. The moment he decides he wants to stick his dick in something young and fertile, your legs are spread for him straight away. I've warned Chan that he's not to touch you, and I'm warning you not to go near him too. Keep your grubby fingers away from my husband." He promptly began to tidy the office; his mannerisms showed that he was incredibly angry and he was being aggressive with every single item on the desk. Jeonghan figured that it was his attempt at proving that he was the dominant one in the house, although frankly, it terrified him to see the Wife acting like that.

"H-how am I supposed to carry his child if I'm not allowed near him?" he asked timidly, "Or is the ceremony an exception?" If looks could kill, the Handmaid would've been dead right away. The Wife licked his lips slowly as he looked him up and down, then slowly turned to face him properly again.  
"We changed our driver especially for you. We had him checked over, just to make sure that he's fertile enough to give you a child. You'll go to his house and you'll sleep with him until you end up pregnant with his child. I'll help you to sneak over to his house, and you'll spend as much time as you can away from our house. I'll take you over there on Friday night and don't want to see you until Monday."

Jeonghan was wary about it. He was wary about the fact that if the Aunts suspected that he wasn't carrying the Commander's child, he would end up being punished for it, and that the Commander probably wouldn't be happy when he found out that he would be sleeping exclusively with someone else. Although his Wife had probably mentioned it already, Jeonghan had heard that a lot of Commanders still liked to complete the ceremonies in hopes that it would trick them into thinking that the baby was theirs. He could feel himself getting anxious over the thought of it, although apparently the Wife was quick to catch on to his concerns and made sure to let him know that Chan was aware of the agreement. He didn't want to do the ceremony with a Handmaid, especially not a Handmaid who was so much older than him, and Jeonghan had to bite his tongue to stop himself from making a comment about how Jihoon was probably much older than him as well and surely they'd slept together at least once or twice. He figured that it would get him in a load of trouble if he did say that sort of thing, and he already knew that he was going to end up clashing with the Wife as it was, so he didn't really want to cause any additional tension.

The tour of the house was very brief. The Wife made sure to show him everything that was in his room, from colouring books to a radio to some single-player games. He promptly informed Jeonghan that he was going to be living in his room for the duration of his time at their house, and he wasn't allowed out of his room unless he was going to be at the driver's house. In fact, if the Commander was in the house, he would even need to be escorted to the door, just so that Jihoon could check that he wasn't having an affair with his husband. He was the one who had the key - the Commander had absolutely no access to his room whatsoever - so Jeonghan needed to make sure that he followed his rules at all times.

It seemed way too uptight, Jeonghan decided, but he wasn't going to argue with the requests. He'd been naive enough to think that in this placement, he would be treated just as well as he was treated by his past Commanders and Wives, but this was the reality of the situation. Sometimes the Wives didn't like the idea of Handmaids living in their houses, and sometimes they were incredibly jealous of the fact that someone would be carrying a child for their husbands. It was like a special little bond that they would have that Jihoon wouldn't be able to directly share with Chan, and he supposed that that would probably come across as being a bit of a threat, especially since Jihoon was already conscious of the fact that Handmaids typically had to sleep with their husbands right in front of them.

He was silent when he was taken through to his room and just waited on his bed for the sound of the key turning in the lock. At that moment, his heart sunk down in his chest; although he'd been expecting it, it still felt awful to be hearing the door lock like that. It was a sign that for the next year or so, he would have absolute minimal freedom. He didn't know how he was going to take to it. He would probably end up getting used to it as time went on, but it wasn't something that he felt he should have to get used to, as far as he was concerned.

The thing that bothered him the most, though, was the fact that Jihoon used to be a Handmaid but still treated him like he was trash and couldn't be trusted. Surely he'd spent a fair amount of time feeling as if he was below people because his body took to having a womb better than the bodies of his peers. He'd experienced the feeling of having to carry a baby for other couples more times than Jeonghan had experienced it, and so surely it would lead him to be more understanding and kind towards the Handmaids that he and his husband took into their house. Yet, he was strangely cold and harsh, as if he wanted Jeonghan to feel trapped. Perhaps he'd had a string of bad placements before he became a Wife but even so, there was no reason for him to be so cruel to Jeonghan as a result of that.

It was going to be an awful time and he knew that from the fact that it took him two days to actually be able to meet the Commander in the end. It was an accident, too; he'd been walking past his Wife when the door was opened for Jeonghan to receive his breakfast in the morning, and he suddenly froze as he pointed out that they hadn't met each other properly yet. Jihoon made a comment to him underneath his breath, so quietly that Jeonghan couldn't hear it and couldn't even imagine what he was whispering, and then the introduction was made exceptionally quickly before the Commander politely bowed his head and scurried away to continue getting ready for work.

Jihoon had his husband wrapped around his finger - that much was obvious. The Commander seemingly made a point of avoiding the room at all costs from that point onwards, as Jeonghan only ever heard the sound of feet outside his room when it was time for him to receive his meals or have his bowls taken away. Presumably, he was aware of how delusional his Wife was over the idea that he was going to end up having an affair with Jeonghan, especially after such an awkward first meeting, but he wasn't really prepared to argue against that. It wasn't really typical of the Commanders to react in such a way to their Wives' demands, but Jeonghan figured that it was something that varied from couple to couple, just like their general approach to having a carrier living with them.

And so all he could do was wait for his chance to meet the driver. He hoped more than anything about the driver would be a nice person who would make his time as Ofchan more bearable, and that Jihoon would warm up to him when he finally fell pregnant with their first child. At that point, he wouldn't have any reason to sleep with Chan and hopefully Jihoon would remember how lonely it was to be a Handmaid, which would, in turn, get him to be warmer towards him. It was probably a bit _too_ hopeful, but Jeonghan could only pray that it would work out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I had to have one that was a little more bitter. I have to point out that Jihoon isn't bad, but rather firm with his feelings towards the system.
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	25. Doyoon

Jihoon was reluctant to give Jeonghan any of his clothes to wear for his journey across to the driver's house, but he wasn't prepared to be caught out as a result of sending him over in his Handmaid uniform. In the end, he gave him an oversized blue robe that he hadn't worn in years, primarily because he didn't like how the dark fabric contrasted too heavily with his skin and made him look washed out. Jeonghan was instructed to remove his veil, which honestly made the Wife hesitate for a moment as soon as he saw his hair tied up near the back of his neck, but he promptly took him through to the kitchen door and instructed him to go straight to the house without looking back. He'd planted cameras around the garden and the driver's house, so he'd know if Jeonghan tried to run away or stall.

Of course, he wasn't prepared to risk it in the slightest. He was actually much happier to be going to visit the driver than anything, especially after how Jihoon had insisted that everyone needed to ignore him in the house, and it was great to finally be having human contact. He hoped that the Wife and Commander wouldn't be watching him sleeping with the driver, but he figured that at least that way, he'd be able to prove that he was getting impregnated by a guy who wasn't the Commander. He didn't know whether there were any cameras around the house to prove that he hadn't slept with Chan, but frankly, he would be happier knowing that there were at this rate. The last thing he wanted was to be accused of something like that. He knew right away that Jihoon didn't really like him as it was, so he didn't really trust that the Wife would accept that it wasn't his husband's baby otherwise, even though they'd barely even made eye contact.

He made his way straight over to the house and gave a firm nod, and within seconds, he was faced with a person who he could only assume was the driver. Frankly, it was a bit of a strange situation; he'd expected a guy who looked a lot more masculine and well-built. He expected that the driver would be able to give him a night of passion to help him forget about the fact that Jihoon hated him and he wouldn't even be able to get the opportunity to bond with the people who would be raising his child, but instead, he was pretty short and looked more like a typical Handmaid than anything. He had wide hips, a soft face, and seemed as if he'd taken oestrogen shots or something. They stared at each other for a good minute or so before the driver invited him in and took him straight through to his bedroom, where they both sat on the edge of the bed.

"Can I get to know you before we get started?" Jeonghan suggested as he began to fiddle with the hem of his robe. The driver's eyes flashed down and then back up to his face, seemingly taking in the fact that he was nervous, and then he gave a little nod.  
"If it'll help you to calm down. Be careful with what you say, though; there aren't any microphones, but the Wife planted some cameras to see if we're really sleeping together and he can lipread pretty well. You probably don't want to do this either, do you?" Jeonghan gave a nervous laugh and brushed his hair away from his face.  
"I've never wanted anything less than this. I've just come from a Commander's house where they were very nice and gentle with me, and the Commander's Wife is a little--"  
"He's an asshole. I know. We don't really get on because we don't agree on how Handmaids should be treated. My ex-boyfriend was a Handmaid so I'd rather not have to see Handmaids be treated in the way that he was treated, but Jihoon thinks that they should be put in their place until they're pregnant. If he finds out you're pregnant, he said he'll loosen up a bit and get to know you, but then I don't think you'd want to get to know him when he's been so cold to you."

Jeonghan couldn't believe that the driver was being so open about his feelings towards Jihoon like that. He hadn't expected that the driver would talk like that just after he'd mentioned the fact that there were cameras around, but he guessed that they'd already had that discussion with each other so Jihoon knew exactly what he thought of him. He swallowed thickly and diverted his gaze for a second before making eye contact again. "I'm worried that he won't ever like me. I've not had an affair with a Commander to date and I don't think I'm planning to start anytime soon."  
"He doesn't care, though. He's convinced that everyone wants his husband, even though he's nothing special. He's really young, you know. I don't know how so many of the Commanders nowadays are so young, but I'm guessing that a lot of the early Commanders are ageing now, so they're promoting anyone with good fertility."

It was strange to be talking so openly about that sort of thing, but the Handmaid was glad that he was on the same page as someone else in such a messed up society. He could feel himself starting to warm to the driver rather quickly, and he was more than happy to open up to him a bit now that he was sure that he was a nice enough person. "Do you mind if I ask what your name is?" the driver asked when there was a natural break in the conversation, "Not 'Ofchan', though. Your actual name, if you remember it." It was probably one of the few things that Jeonghan did remember about his past life. He gave a little nod and smiled as they made eye contact again.  
"It's Yoon Jeonghan. How about yourself?" For a moment, he swore that the driver perked up when he heard his name, although he soon relaxed again and glanced away.  
"Jang Doyoon."

The silence that followed made it seem as if he was going to follow it up with something, but he remained completely silent instead. They made eye contact again and Doyoon offered him another smile before asking whether he was ready to get on with it. He didn't want to put it off for too long, since it would only make it more awkward if they put it off, and Jeonghan agreed that it probably wasn't a great idea to take it too slow. He didn't want to change his mind or get nervous about the driver, so he simply stood and asked if he wanted him to just drop his robe whilst he was there. He figured that it would be easier than trying to wrestle it off, and he felt that it would be best to just remove it completely instead of getting the Wife's robe covered in his sweat. Besides, Wonwoo and Mingyu had got him used to the fact that he was able to get naked in front of people without feeling too awkward, so he guessed that he wasn't too bothered by that anymore.

Surprisingly, the driver didn't even look at him too much at all. Jeonghan had expected at least one sneaky glance at his body now that he was completely exposed - his body was very representative of his fertility by that point, with slight mounds underneath his nipples as his body tried to get used to the fact that he wasn't planning on expressing, rounded hips that were perfect for carrying a child, and a generally well-built figure so that he could successfully fulfil his duties as a mother. He didn't think that he was the most attractive person in the world, but he didn't think he was too bad. It was, therefore, a bit of a shock when Doyoon simply suggested that he lay down on the bed so that he could get started. He didn't seem to care all that much about the fact that Jeonghan was expecting him to be overcome with either attraction or desire.

Perhaps he was still in love with his ex-boyfriend or something, Jeonghan figured. Either that, or he saw it as a job where he couldn't get any satisfaction from what he was doing. Even if he was unattractive, he expected at least one glimpse at how he looked, just so that the driver could prove to himself that he didn't want him. "Do you want to kiss?" he asked as he slowly made his way over to hover over Jeonghan. It didn't feel anywhere near as natural as he'd expected, but he guessed that it was fine.  
"Sure," he said quietly, hoping that it would get him more in the mood to start, "I've prepared myself already, by the way. No need to stretch me out or anything. Just push straight in." It sounded stupid when he was saying it out loud, but he guessed that it was best to get it out there than have some awkward fumbling in which they tried to figure out what to do.

It was nothing like he'd expected whatsoever. The driver touched him so carefully as if he was glass, but also didn't seem to emotionally connect with him. Jeonghan supposed that he'd romanticised it so much that it felt weird when it didn't meet his exact expectations, which was rather unfortunate for him really, since now he was stuck in a situation where it didn't exactly feel right. He didn't even know what didn't feel right specifically, but he just knew that it was a huge anticlimax. Of course, the driver was treating him with a lot of respect, so he figured that he should appreciate it a lot more than he actually did, but the thought of sleeping with him over and over again, under those circumstances, left him feeling a bit awkward about everything. What if they continued to have emotionally numb sex every time he went over there? He wasn't even sure whether that was better than having to deal with being locked him his room all day every day by that point.

As a result, he was thankful when the subsequent times he met up with Doyoon, it was a lot less awkward. He'd seemingly realised how uncomfortable the first time was and decided to spice things up a bit in order to make Jeonghan feel a lot more comfortable with what they were doing, and it really did work wonders. He'd managed to smuggle some toys into his house, despite the fact that they had to be sold secretly and the Aunts would certainly flip if they found out that he'd ever experienced a vibrator. In fact, he'd even managed to get a few other things into the house, including flavoured lubricants, handcuffs and a blindfold. As much as Jeonghan could say that he was into more kinky intimacy after what had happened between himself, Mingyu and Wonwoo in his last placement, he swore his eyes almost popped out of his head when he saw what the driver had brought over for him. It just made him realise how vanilla he really was, although he did actually enjoy it when they actually got into it.

A little part of him was glad that he wasn't keeping the baby whenever it was conceived. He didn't think he'd be able to deal with raising a child if he knew that it was conceived whilst he was handcuffed to the bed frame. It would be embarrassing, to say the least, and he was certain that the religious guilt would destroy him. Of course, he warmed up to it eventually and came to rather enjoy the light playing that he shared with Doyoon, but it still wasn't something that he would normally do with anyone.

By the time he was two months into the placement, it sort of felt as if they were in a relationship of sorts. A strange relationship, frankly, but a relationship nonetheless. He'd managed to explore his sexuality in a way that he'd never had the chance to do in the past, and he was more than happy to open up to the driver as if they'd known each other for years. Jeonghan didn't know what it was about the guy, but he seemed to be strangely considerate of absolutely everything he'd ever experienced, and it wasn't something that he'd ever expected from another person who wasn't a Handmaid. Even the Wives who had spent most of their time with him hadn't seemed to be that considerate to him, as if they were underestimating the struggles that he faced solely because they'd never had the chance to experience it before. Doyoon, on the other hand, made sure to discuss everything with him and make sure that he wasn't suffering after everything that he'd gone through in his life.

In the end, he found out about everything, from the fact that Jeonghan had been taken and impregnated by a guy who worked for the government, through to the details of all of his placements. He knew about how the Aunts had hit him for ridiculous things during his training, the ways that he'd let his feisty attitude drop as soon as he realised that it was going to get him punished, and how the only way that he'd ended up getting through those tough few months before his placement by bonding with Hansol and Jisoo.

That caught Doyoon's attention in particular. The Handmaid made sure to tell him a lot about those two, especially Hansol. He'd been the one to help him when he was in the darkest place, right when he thought he'd lost his husband and didn't know whether he would see his children again, and he cuddled him when he was concerned that he was a bad parent. Doyoon seemed rather surprised that a stranger would hold him like that and make sure that he was looked after, but he supposed that it was just how some people were. He was glad that Hansol had the guts to put another person first when they were both in a difficult situation, but he was rather concerned about the fact that Jeonghan didn't know what happened to him after his first placement.

Interestingly, though, he'd asked to change the subject when it came to discussing Hansol's backstory. He was interested when they were discussing Jisoo's history of an early pregnancy and an affair with a Commander, who he later married, but when Jeonghan had mentioned the fact that Hansol had lost his boyfriend whilst they were going through their screenings, Doyoon suddenly asked if they could talk about something different. Jeonghan assumed that it was something to do with his ex-boyfriend - perhaps he'd ended up being separated from him similarly or something - but he didn't really want to push it so he simply apologised before discussing the topic of his inevitable pregnancy.

Doyoon gave an awkward laugh when it was brought up and confessed that he wasn't all that fond of the fact that he was impregnating Jeonghan. It caused the Handmaid to sit upright as he asked whether he was serious, and Doyoon just sighed before rubbing a hand over his face. "I know this sounds stupid, but you're the only company I have for the moment, and there's so much that I'd like to discuss with you over the next few months. But I don't think we'll be allowed to meet if you end up pregnant because you'll be in the house with Jihoon sucking up to you and trying to convince you to be his friend so that you're more than happy to give him your baby. I don't think there'll be much that I can say to you at that point."

"What sort of things do you mean? I think it's better if you tell me now before he makes me take a test and stops me from visiting you." For a moment he seemed to consider whether he actually wanted to bring it up and Jeonghan was concerned that he'd never find out what was on the driver's mind, but then he made direct eye contact as he told him straight out what he needed to know.

He leaned in close to Jeonghan's ear and brushed his hair away from his face so that he could whisper in his ear. "We have to find somewhere else to discuss this because I can't risk the chance that there are bugs around. It's to do with the resistance against this Handmaid system. There's not much that I can say about it here but I think it's important that you know what's going on around you." Then he turned it into slow neck kisses as he rolled onto Jeonghan again. "Just in case he's watching, we're pretending that I'm distracting you and we're sleeping together again, okay?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays!! It's almost 3am here but I had to get this sorted because I know I'm going to be exhausted when I get to the end of tomorrow. It's too much socialising for me and I'd rather not do that but I guess it's something that has to happen.
> 
> I'm sorry that I've given a bit of a dodgy chapter out here but I'm sure this is less of a subtle one so more of you are likely to get how things are and make your good old hints. I'm not going to do any tags for Doyoon though (for those of you who aren't aware, he used to be in Seventeen but I'm not even sure if there are tags for him??? I'm too lazy to check honestly) but he's sort of there so yeah
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	26. Alternate Identity

It only took a few days for Doyoon to take Jeonghan away from the house for the discussion. He'd asked for special permission from Jihoon to take Jeonghan out for the night in the Wives' uniform, and although Jihoon was somewhat reluctant about letting him go out of the house to start with, he eventually agreed under the promise that he would be brought back by nine o'clock. He would spend the rest of the night in his room and wouldn't cause any further inconveniences for them for the rest of the night, otherwise he would be punished for going out with Doyoon. Of course, that was good enough for Jeonghan and he promptly accepted the request so that he could be able to just get out for a while without worrying that he would be monitored constantly the whole time.

By that point, Doyoon was conscious of the fact that they weren't going to have much more time together. He was already beginning to suspect that Jeonghan was carrying his child and he didn't really want to risk leaving their discussion too long. The thought of making him leave without knowing anything about what was happening in the world around him wasn't ideal in the slightest. He dragged Jeonghan out towards a private club, much like the one that he'd visited with Mingyu and Wonwoo, but instead of looking so much like a bagnio, this one was generally rather private.

It was like the old karaoke bars that his parents spoke about when he was younger. That's what Jeonghan figured it was a renovation of; the individual rooms looked a lot like the rooms that he saw in the photos, and the same concept stood. They were able to go and sit there together and enjoy some entertainment, in the form of old movies, news channels, and other media from the time before, and they would have food brought to their room. There was a strict rule against any couple sharing intimacy in those sorts of rooms, so there was still a form of CCTV camera watching over them, but Doyoon swore that they were such low quality that their conversation would generally go undisturbed. There was no need to worry about the nature of their discussion getting back to the Commander or his Wife, and they could comfortably stay for as long as they wanted there. It was the ideal spot for them to get it over and done with.

"First of all," he said quietly once they were seated comfortably, "I have a confession to make. And I don't want you to get upset with me over this, but I feel like you're starting to get attached to me, so it might not be possible to be okay with the following news." Jeonghan's eyebrow shot up as he gazed at Doyoon in silence, waiting for him to reply. The driver took in a deep breath before rubbing a hand over his brow, and then finally made direct eye contact with the Handmaid again as he began to explain himself. "My name isn't Jang Doyoon. It's not even close to that. It's an identity that I ended up stealing a while back from a guy I used to know. But before you get angry or upset over that, I need you to know that I needed to do this in order to survive."

Although it certainly stung to know that another person that he was involved with gave him a fake name, Jeonghan couldn't help but want to know more. For some reason, he didn't think that he was going to be disappointed this time. He probably wasn't going to be in a situation where he felt uncomfortable around whoever the driver really was as a result of him taking on someone else's identity, especially since he'd found out directly from him before he genuinely started to have romantic feelings towards him or anything. "Could you tell me your name before you tell me why you had to change it to survive?" he asked quietly, and the guy gave a tiny nod before letting his eyes drift down to his hands.  
"Boo Seungkwan."

Jeonghan suddenly felt a tingle running up his spine. He knew he'd heard the name before but he didn't quite know where he'd heard it from. It wasn't a name that sounded alarm sirens in his head, but he knew that it was something significant that he needed to remember. For just a second, he tried to rack his mind for any sort of answer, but when it didn't come to him, he simply confessed to Seungkwan that he recognised him from somewhere. "I don't know if he ever mentioned it to you, but the Handmaid that I was in love with was called Chwe Hansol. You mentioned him when we first met, remember? It's not really the most common name and I remember that you mentioned being taken to the centre near to the outskirts of where Seoul used to be at around the time where we were captured, so--"  
"You were the guy he impregnated? Hansol's boyfriend?" Jeonghan breathed as it all hit him at once. The driver gave a small nod and offered up a smile.

"We had a plan for how we were going to survive," Seungkwan informed him. "We were going to go back to America - that's where he was born so we could legally go there together - and then we were planning on travelling up to Canada together and paying off the people at the borders. You know, Canada is a safe place where they're not forcing reproduction and they're taking in hundreds of refugees." It sounded pretty rational, Jeonghan had to admit. If he'd had the opportunity to escape like that, he would be more than happy to do so, and he didn't even blame them for giving it a shot.

Then Seungkwan started to describe what had happened to him when he and his boyfriend were separated. Whilst Hansol was given the chance to be a Handmaid to the Commanders, he was given the opportunity to give birth to their child before moving on to become what was essentially a breeding mule for the highly fertile men who didn't pass the physical exams to work in the military. They were usually working-class but would be charged an exceptional amount of money to have a child. First of all, they would be charged a fee to be able to come in whenever they felt like it over the space of three months and sleep with their assigned carrier. After that, they would be charged another fee if they wanted to keep the child that was produced. If they couldn't pay, the child would be sent off to a much wealthier family who didn't want a Handmaid.

Of course, Jeonghan realised why he needed to escape so badly as soon as he mentioned it. Becoming a Handmaid was a benefit, to a degree, since it usually meant having an early retirement from the system and then marrying young to a person who was high up in the system. They would have the chance to have their own children with their husbands in the future, should they want that, and they would essentially get to build a new life for themselves when they became Wives. The fertile carriers who were put in breeding houses didn't have that privilege; they rarely made it into their thirties and never had the chance to marry. They would just continue to pump out babies until their bodies gave up.

Seungkwan was lucky in that sense. Even he didn't know how he managed to escape from the breeding house, but he'd managed to sneak out and ended up finding someone along the way who was willing to help him to make a fake ID. He chose the name of an experienced driver for the Commanders - someone who he went to school with back in Jeju - and then took on his identity. At that point, he knew that he had the upper hand and was able to start searching for Hansol so that they could start their new life together, but he also needed to start building up his reputation with the Commanders so that he was able to increase his chances of locating his boyfriend.

It was completely understandable. Jeonghan couldn't even say that he was mad about everything that was happening; he was suddenly very sympathetic towards Seungkwan and didn't blame anything on him at all. He made sure to let him know about that and thanked him for being so honest about everything, and he was glad to see how Seungkwan was getting through things well, despite everything that had happened to him over the past few years.

It strangely felt refreshing to catch up on that sort of thing, but it inevitably had to start drifting towards the revolution in the end. It was a topic that was quite different to the topic of their abilities to survive under awful circumstances, but it had to happen in the end. "You probably know a good portion of the people who are in the resistance, I'm guessing. I had a look at your file when I was checking in with Chan and it said that you were recommended by a number of different Commanders in the past, most of whom are on the list." Jeonghan raised an eyebrow as he waited for Seungkwan to give a few hints as to who was included in that group, and the driver broke into a smile as he began to list them off.

"There are ten of us at the moment. We have Commander Seokmin, although his Wife doesn't know that he's a part of the resistance. I'm guessing that you already expected this, but Commander Mingyu and his Wife are a part too, and then I was informed that you've already met Commander Seungcheol - he's not all that active in the resistance right now, since he has a lot on his plate, but he helps out when he can. I'm not sure if you know any of the other Commanders, but we also have Ha Jaewoo, Jeong Hanyong, Kim Ryung, Yeom Soonchang, and Pan Jungkwan." He waited for a moment to see if Jeonghan recognised any of the other names, and so the Handmaid made sure to point out that Commander Kim Ryung was taking care of his son and married his best friend, which simply left Seungkwan smiling.

"So, is there anything that I can do to help out?" Jeonghan asked as he adjusted himself in his seat to be facing Seungkwan more. It was an attempt to show that he was already on board with everything that was happening, and Seungkwan seemed to open up to him a lot more when they were facing each other better. He'd already been rather open but when he turned, it suddenly unleashed an excitement from the driver. Jeonghan could see that he was glad to have that extra little bit of help, and he loved the fact that he could see the devious twinkle in Seungkwan's eyes. It was something that he distinctly recalled Hansol mentioning back when they were comforting each other in the dorms - something that he said he fell in love with instantly - and he could see why it made his friend happy to see that little bit of happiness in the driver's expression.

"You just have to be yourself," he said, allowing the enthusiasm to bubble over, "You just have to be yourself for this placement - if you don't agree with something, don't tell the Commander or his Wife, and instead just let me know. They won't do anything to try to help you when they could just easily brush your concerns to the side and act as if you're crazy because they see you as being below them. No, if you get the opportunity to do so, I want you to tell me about it instead. Send me a note or something, leave me messages somewhere; just make sure that I know what's going on in the house. If there's anything that comes up and it's something that we can use, I'd be incredibly grateful." It was strange to see someone so excited by someone just being themselves, but Jeonghan figured that there was more to it than that.

In fact, he was sure of it as Seungkwan continued to talk to him about it. The way that he spoke made it sound like his group were planning on weaponising every bit of information that they could get their hands on. Perhaps it was something that an Aunt said to the Handmaids that could be perceived as putting stress on the baby, or maybe a rule that the Wives were given that would put a Handmaid in danger if it wasn't practised properly. The rules were rather vague for the Wives, so any little hint that it could be used incorrectly was good enough for them to gather and completely overthrow the system with. Of course, they needed a lot more people to join in for it to work - they were in the process of coming to an agreement with another resistance group in the Southernmost cities in Korea - and for a lot more information than little scraps from Handmaids here and there in order to convince other people to agree with them, but it was a starting point.

Jeonghan felt an abrupt rush of excitement too when he realised that he was going to be helping a lot more than he'd expected. The biggest bonus, though, was the fact that Seungkwan had offered to give him the final decision for what happened to the men who were sent to make young Handmaids fall in love with them so that they could tear their lives apart and cause a lifetime of mystery - just as Park Hyunwoo had done to him. Although Jeonghan wasn't really the sort of guy to want to physically hurt people in the ways that he expected Seungkwan was suggesting, especially if they were just following orders, a niggling little part of him knew that this was personal and he needed to neatly package up that part of his life.

There was supposed to be a public execution for all of the people who caused misery to the lives of hundreds of young men and women, Seungkwan told him, but different people had requested different things for different groups of people so far. For example, Commander Ha Jaewoo's Wife had been blinded in one eye by an Aunt back when she was a Handmaid, as well as branded on the back of her thigh, forced to withstand a stoning for simply allowing a Commander to undress her, and made to eat her food from the floor on more than one occasion. As a result, she'd vowed to go back to her mother's French roots and use a traditional guillotine execution method on the Aunts from the dorm she lived in.

Admittedly, that seemed like too much of a punishment as far as Jeonghan was concerned. A part of him did think that killing those people meant that they weren't any better than the people who had caused them harm, but he guessed that it was what people wanted. He made sure to tell Seungkwan that he didn't want to watch people dying in front of him, but he did want to be able to see the man who pretended to be in love with him one last time so that he could inform him of the fact that he didn't manage to break him. He wanted to make sure that Hyunwoo knew how disappointed he was before he died, but also knew that he was a much stronger person as a result of picking himself back up again afterwards.

That seemed to surprise Seungkwan. His eyebrow raised slightly but soon let out a mumble about the fact that he perhaps that was the best way to go about it. At that point, they decided that it was best to pick a lighter topic of conversation again, just so that it wasn't negative or hypothetical, and then promptly ordered something to eat and drink as well.

Jeonghan didn't know what he'd been expecting from the exchange, but it certainly wasn't any of the things that ended up being discussed. He was rather glad about it all, though; at least by the time he got back to Chan's house, he didn't have to worry about everything that was going on around him. He felt as if he'd just been pulled back into the world that he was dissociating himself from; realising that there was hope in the world around him and that it wasn't just going to be miserable for the rest of his life. He was no longer fearful about the world, and no longer had to feel as if his children would have to settle for the same fate that he did when he finally became of age.

It was the future that he'd hoped for since the very start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I thought that it'd be obvious that it wasn't actually Doyoon but I think it's easier to guess when you're the one actually writing these sorts of things
> 
> Now, there aren't any easter eggs behind the names of the other Commanders in the resistance, but there are a few words that were chosen very particularly, if anyone is interested in that sort of thing. It's the same in most chapters, really, but a few words here have very specific double meanings
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	27. Past Affairs

Just as expected, Jihoon was better with Jeonghan as soon as he was showing signs of pregnancy.

"I can tell that you're carrying from the way that you sit," he told the Handmaid as he brushed his hair that morning, "I'll buy you a pregnancy test this afternoon when I go to town. Would you like to come with me?" If he was honest, Jeonghan really couldn't think of anything he wanted less than an outing with Jihoon. He wouldn't say that he hated the Wife - that was a bit too harsh, in his opinion - but he hardly liked him. The only reason why he allowed himself to carry for them was that Seungkwan was so gentle with him the entire time and kept up the spirit that he'd been building through the love that all of the Commanders and Wives had given him up until that point. He couldn't stand the thought of bringing a baby into the world, only to have it be raised by Jihoon and Chan, but he supposed that it was what he had to do in order to see his own babies again in the future.

"Are you sure that it's not best to keep me in my room? What if your husband is in town and I look in his direction?" Jeonghan asked coolly, knowing full well that it would stir the pot and possibly make the Wife snap at him. Surprisingly, though, he didn't even get rougher with his brushes.  
"Now, Ofchan, please be nice. I know I've been cruel to you in the past, but I've already told you that those days have passed, haven't I? How long has it been since I last locked your bedroom door?"

"It's been six weeks." The Handmaid knew that his voice was coming through as bitter as he spoke. He tried his hardest to be nice to Jihoon, but it was a huge struggle and he naturally failed rather easily. He knew that the door had only been unlocked because Chan had argued that it was inhumane to lock him in for the duration of his pregnancy, and it had ended up being replaced by a camera right outside his door. If he wasn't with Jihoon, he was expected to be in his room still, and the Wife kept a painfully close watch over him. The door wasn't unlocked because he trusted him; it was unlocked because he was scared of what would happen if he tried to keep Jeonghan from the world for too long.

"And you've behaved in those six weeks, so I trust that I won't need to lock the door again. I'd really like you to accompany me today, Ofchan, so I think you should get your robe on and allow me to take you with me." He was reluctant, but this time it was a command instead of a request, so he was forced to go along with it. Once his hair was brushed, he made his way straight to his bedroom to get ready, although he did make a point of dragging it out for as long as physically possible in the process. The last thing he needed was to be around the Wife for the entire afternoon and then be expected to spend time with him in the evening as well. It was the only thing that got him out of his room nowadays, which was seen as being a good thing. It was, instead, the curse that he wouldn't wish on anyone.

When he was ready, he slowly made his way out towards where Jihoon was waiting for him. He was wearing a robe as well, which seemed rather strange for a Wife, but Jeonghan wasn't prepared to point it out. The last thing he wanted was to be snapped at or scolded just as they were about to leave the house. Instead, he offered an awkward smile before letting his head hang slightly, and so they started on their way out of the door.

Compared to their usual interactions, Jihoon was particularly chatty as they walked together towards the town. He was pointing out each thing that had changed since he changed from a Handmaid to a Wife, including a few experiences that he'd had when he was carrying for Chan. It had been a tough time for him, he said, but he wouldn't change it for the world. His fertility meant a lot less to him than being married to such a wonderful Commander who loved and respected him right from the start. Jeonghan figured that it was a lie and that part of the reason why the Wife was so bitter towards him was because of his ability to carry children still but as with everything else, he kept it to himself.

"I suppose it's been a while since you were last here," Jihoon mused as they walked slowly down the street that was linked directly to the markets, "It's lost its novelty since I became a Wife, but it was my favourite place to visit with the other Handmaids in the past." Jeonghan gave a hum of acknowledgement as he continued to walk, making sure to keep his head down. He didn't really want to talk to the Wife, even though he was insistent on continuing to talk. "You know, I had a favourite Handmaid who came with me on walks. We were paired for around two months and although we weren't supposed to talk, he was always pleasant to me. We would try to chat where we could, but it wasn't really possible to do so, given his condition at the time."

Jeonghan couldn't really say that he was interested in the conversation. He let his mind wander as he started to look around him, taking in the sentimental images around him. He remembered everything from the peculiarly large dent in one of the bricks along the wall that led to the marketplace, all the way through to the fact that the fruit stall was positioned about half a foot further back in comparison to the other stalls. He felt the feeling of dread wash away from him as he took it all in - the sights and smell and atmosphere of the entire street - and then instinctively made his way towards a side road that he and the other Handmaids would go down in order to go to the drug store. It was a bit of a shortcut and took them away from the sensory overload that hit as soon as they were met by the outdoor markets.

The Wife followed him without question, which was strange to Jeonghan for a moment until he remembered that Jihoon had once been a Handmaid like him. "I've continued taking this route since I became a Wife," he told him with a smile. Jeonghan could tell that he was just trying to earn his favour, just as Seungkwan had suggested, but he forced a smile instead of commenting on how he shouldn't be using the path that was paved by those who needed to escape for a while. By that point, it was really testing his ability to keep his mouth shut. He certainly didn't want to be seen as disrespectful in public, but he wasn't all that fond of being nice to Jihoon either. He hated the fact that he was acting like they were best friends or something, and the thought of having to deal with much more of him made the Handmaid feel especially uncomfortable.

The conversation died down a bit when he didn't respond but picked back up again when they finally arrived at the pharmacy. "Do you have a preference for the type of pregnancy test?" When the Handmaid shook his head, Jihoon crouched down to look at the different tests that were available. "I think that we can rule out Korean tests, can't we? They're not sensitive enough to actually make this worthwhile." He shuffled to the side, where a selection of imported Western tests were lined up on the shelf. It took a moment for him to figure out what the differences in the tests were, and then promptly looked up to the Handmaid again. "Do you speak enough English to be able to understand instructions that are written in English?"

"I know how to take a pregnancy test," Jeonghan mumbled, "I've had six children. The tests are exactly the same, but Western tests allow you to check from three days after conception, whereas the tests here can only check two weeks after a missed period." It felt strange to be giving the Wife that sort of information, but the shocked expression on Jihoon's face showed that he needed that little bit of information. He gave a slight nod before turning back to the shelf.  
"The Wives that I served always stood with me when I took them and then snatched them up before I could see how it worked. I suppose they expected me to alter the results or something."

He ended up picking out three different tests, just to be sure. Jeonghan would use one from each pack, then the rest would be put away for the next time they had a Handmaid. There was one non-digital, one qualitative digital, and one quantitative digital. The total came to 64,000W and Jeonghan could barely believe that Jihoon was willing to fork out that much for something so ridiculous when simply waiting for a few weeks and taking a Korean test would drop the price down to about 9,000W. In fact, the cashier pointed that out to him, since she was concerned about how much he was spending on something that probably wasn't all that urgent, but Jihoon insisted that it was urgent and he needed to know as soon as possible.

The walk home was quiet, which Jeonghan was relieved about. Not much was said between them at all until they finally reached the house again. At that point, Jeonghan did consider that there was probably something wrong, as the Wife's head was hanging almost as low as his own was, but he didn't say anything about it. He didn't want to make it seem like he actually wanted to make conversation. But then again, the Wife suddenly stopped him from going to do the tests right away when they were back into the safety of his home. His hand grabbed Jeonghan's arm and he gripped it tightly as stared at him.

"Do you not remember me, Ofchan?" Jihoon asked quietly. His voice was strangely hoarse and timid as he spoke, and Jeonghan barely recognised it. "We were Handmaids together. I remembered when I saw you without your veil. Remember, when you fell and it came loose? You're slimmer now and it's completely changed your appearance." The Handmaid immediately felt a tingle of fear run up his spine. He froze, not knowing how to handle the situation, and it was a struggle to get his words out.  
"I'm... I'm sorry, I knew three Ofchans and I don't think that any of them would have become the Commander's Wife."  
"No no, the Guardian hit you, so I punched him and then bit him until the doctor came to your side. Do you not remember me?" 

Of course Jeonghan remembered him. He didn't think that there was any way of forgetting that man; the one who had risked everything in order to save the life of another Handmaid. He'd been so selfless and had risked absolutely everything to help him, but he'd turned into a man who was more concerned about his husband leaving him for a Handmaid than he was concerned about the well-being of the Handmaids anymore. It didn't make sense and for a moment Jeonghan was sure that he couldn't be that same man, but when he saw the look on Jihoon's face, he could see a strange look of hurt on his face.

"I remember the action, but I don't remember you." Jeonghan's voice was cold again, showing off his disappointment as well as he probably could have ever imagined, but apparently it flew over Jihoon's head as he stared at the Handmaid in confusion.  
"We had two months together. How could you no--"  
"I don't recognise you because you've changed a lot. The Ofchan I knew would have done anything to make sure that other Handmaids wouldn't have to feel like the only option to take away the pain is to cry into their pillows every night. You're not that man. If you were, you would have refrained from locking me in my room as soon as you realised who I was, or better yet - completely avoided locks right from the start."

There was nothing that he could say to make things better. Jihoon knew that he'd messed up severely and that he wasn't going to be winning Jeonghan's affections back anytime soon. "Is there anything that I could do to apologise to you and make things better?" he asked as he began to release the grip on Jeonghan's arm. Suddenly the Handmaid had the upper hand, and he simply stared the Wife down as he tucked his arm back towards his body.  
"You can apologise to me, but I can't promise that it'll make things better."

Every apology under the sun spilt from Jihoon's lips in that moment. He was insistent that it was all his fault that Jeonghan was miserable, and that sending him off to Doyoon solely because of his fear of Chan falling for someone more fertile was inappropriate. Jeonghan was quick to point out that he wasn't the sort of person to have an affair with a Commander, as Jihoon would have been able to see from his track records and reports from the other Wives, and that he would have happily gone to the driver's house anyway if Jihoon had informed him that his husband was infertile, but the Wife was quick to jump to conclusions. It was clear that Jeonghan was seething at the Wife still and wasn't willing to accept any ridiculous excuses, and after just a few minutes, he noticed that Jihoon was hastily withdrawing. He didn't know how to approach the situation any longer, now that the Handmaid had confidently shown him what his place was, and so simply handed over the pregnancy tests before withdrawing again.

Jeonghan was quick to make his way through to his bedroom. As much as he'd been confident about his ability to show Jihoon that everything he'd done was inappropriate and he wasn't accepting any poor excuses about how he'd assumed that every Handmaid was a homewrecker, just because he'd almost certainly had an affair with the Commander back when he was Ofchan, he could feel his adrenaline at its peak. His heart was pounding in his chest and he had a weird sense of fear running through his body, as if it was expecting some sort of punishment for what happened, but it was hardly like he wanted to take it back. From what he remembered, Jihoon was a year younger than him, and he was his senior in a way. He wasn't going to sit back and accept that sort of treatment from a person who was not only less experienced as a pawn in the system, but also as a Handmaid and mother.

Granted, there was still a chance that he would end up being punished by his own seniors for how he spoke to the Wife, but it was a risk that he was willing to take. There was only so much punishment that he could face if he was pregnant already - he supposed that that was how Jihoon managed to escape it, if he'd calculated his timelines properly - and besides, he doubted that Jihoon would have the guts to tell the Aunts what happened between them. After all, that would mean that he would have to confess to locking Jeonghan in his room for four weeks and sending him off to have sex with the driver, instead of going through with the ceremony as he was expected to. He knew that the Handmaid wouldn't hold back in confessing to that sort of thing, so it would have to come out right away.

It took a while for him to calm down from the high of the argument. Once he was done, though, he figured that it was best to get started on the test right away. That way, if Jihoon did rat him out to the Aunts, he would have something to work with. Perhaps he could even get them to do a paternity test on the baby to land Jihoon in even more trouble. He made his way into his bathroom and took each of the tests out of the boxes, then promptly shoved the remaining tests into the medicine cabinet. The sticks were pulled straight out of the packets and gathered in his hand as he made his way over to the toilet and did what he had to do. The wait was painfully long, even though they were quick-developing tests, but thankfully they all came back with the exact same result.

Jeonghan was pregnant again, just as they'd suspected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It hasn't come out at 11pm today!! It's actually being posted at a reasonable time instead!!
> 
> Happy New Year, all~ Think of this as a little treat to greet 2018 with; although Jihoon certainly hasn't redeemed himself in this chapter, he's trying and I suppose that that's worth a few points. After all, how long can someone really be harsh towards a person like Jeonghan who is confident in his own morals and is willing to stand up for what he believes in, but also follows what he's told to do??
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	28. Chan

Jeonghan was almost six months into his pregnancy by the time he properly got to meet Commander Chan. Up until that point, he'd essentially been a ghost in the house, and he didn't even turn up for meal times so Jeonghan didn't even get to know him properly.

By that point, he was really starting to feel for Jihoon. He supposed that the Wife had seen a number of different men and women with his husband, sleeping with him and hoping to be carrying his children, yet he barely had the chance to see him at all. It must've been rather hard for him to have a relationship when he was constantly torn between letting the Handmaids do their job and the fact that the majority were probably having an affair with Chan outside of the ceremonies at some point. It didn't really excuse how he treated him, but he supposed that he could understand the concern, to an extent.

He'd been surprised, though, when Jihoon turned up at his door and asked him if he would go to see Chan alone for a while. Although there were cameras all over the house in order to ease Jihoon's own concerns, he didn't really seem as if he was comfortable with them spending time together still. He gave an awkward bow in Jeonghan's direction as he scurried off to another area of the house, presumably so that he wasn't there to hear if they did end up sleeping together, and so the Handmaid slowly made his way over to the Commander's office.

Two gentle knocks were all it took for him to be invited into the room. Jeonghan hadn't really expected the Commander to hear him, but he was glad that he was asked to enter so quickly. The last thing he wanted to do was show how nervous he was about the fact that he was visiting him alone for the first time since he'd been in the house. He was still rather cautious about opening the door and politely bowed his head to the Commander as soon as they made eye contact, but he was promptly asked to drop the formalities as soon as he was in the room. The door was shut, he made his way over to the desk, and Chan asked him to sit down in front of him.

"I'm sorry for speaking out of turn," Jeonghan told him, "But could I please ask why I'm here in your office? Did I do something wrong?" That brought a smile to Chan's lips as he shook his head. The way that he smiled didn't seem malicious or creepy, as Jeonghan had been expecting from all of the horror stories he'd heard about being Ofchan, but rather, he seemed to be genuinely happy that he wasn't putting the Handmaid in that position.  
"Actually, I was thinking that we could bond a bit before you give birth. You know, I've never had the chance to have a proper conversation with you or anything so far, and you've been living in my house for around nine months already." That threw Jeonghan off guard a bit. He didn't know how he should approach the information that he was taking in, since he'd never really had a Commander who took a personal interest in him like that. He figured that that was why Jihoon was concerned; perhaps this was his attempt at hitting on him or something.

"What do you mean by that? Unfortunately, I can't drink or anything. I'm not risking hurting the baby. I'm also not interested in an affair, if that's what you're looking for. I used to be friends with your Wife before I came here, and even though we don't get on quite as well anymore, I'm not going to do that to someone I used to respect a lot." His comment only served to make Chan's smile grow. He shook his head quickly before making his way over to a minifridge that he had in the corner of the room, and then promptly lifted up a carton of orange juice and another of apple juice in either hand.  
"I have these, if you're thirsty. You need to have something delicious here and there, and I think it's important that you have foods and drinks that are high in vitamins. Has Jihoon been giving you lots of vitamin-rich foods and drinks since you came here?"

Despite the fact that the Commander was clearly trying to win his favour by being charming, Jeonghan was still rather wary of him. He accepted the orange juice but with some caution; his body was getting ready for a fight-or-flight situation, as if it was anticipating him asking for something in return for a drink, but when it didn't come, he found that his body gradually relaxed. He took a sip of it, just to make sure that nothing seemed off, but Chan poured himself some straight afterwards before chugging it straight down. After wiping his mouth on his sleeve and putting the carton to one side, he flashed that sweet smile to Jeonghan again. "I'm not here for an affair either, by the way. I'm well over that by this point. I don't know if Jihoon mentioned it to you, but it's my fault that you were locked up for so long, really." Jeonghan waited for some sort of explanation, but all he managed to gather was that it was an anxious reaction to the Commander's countless affairs. It wasn't that he didn't love and respect Jihoon, though; rather, he'd had so many Handmaids in his time and didn't want more of them to end up being sent to the colonies.

Thankfully, he went on to explain everything that had happened when it came to that situation shortly afterwards. He'd hit puberty a lot earlier than other boys and so started off trying to produce children with young female Handmaids as soon as he hit the age of consent. Of course, whilst they were legally able to do that and were even actively encouraged by local authorities, it was a lot of stress on still-developing bodies, and so none of his babies ended up making it. He hit eighteen, joined the military, and then married to his late Wife so that he could have a greater chance of having his own child. The first few Handmaids were unable to carry, but then he found Jihoon and they were close to having a child together. Jeonghan pointed out that he knew some of the details surrounding that area, so he quickly moved on to confess that his early Handmaids with Jihoon were sent to colonies. He decided to continue with impregnating them outside of the ceremonies, Jihoon found out, and so he began locking them in their rooms. The issue was that doing so on a long-term basis resulted in several more deaths. It was why he'd asked Jihoon to let Jeonghan out in the end; he didn't want the same fate when he was certainly going to carry a child for them in the end.

By the end of that discussion, Jeonghan could feel his body tingling. He had a sense of dread in the pit of his stomach; he'd always supposed that Jihoon wouldn't have had a serious reason for locking Handmaids away - perhaps that he was paranoid because he'd slept with Chan outside of ceremonies - but now it seemed like something that Jeonghan would've been upset with as well. If he found that his husband was sleeping with a Handmaid behind his back, without even mentioning to him beforehand that he needed to get them pregnant, he would surely be upset too. He mentally noted that he needed to apologise to Jihoon for being so hostile, perhaps in exchange for a proper apology for treating him in the way he did during his early days as their Handmaid.

"I was just thinking, though," Chan started once that conversation was completely brushed to one side, "That it would be best for you to get to know me, as the adoptive father of the baby that you're giving us. If I were in your position, I wouldn't want to give a baby to a random guy who I've never really had the chance to speak to in my entire life." It was actually a rather fair point. He didn't really care so much for getting to know the Wives and Commanders on a personal basis, in comparison to how he would if he was part of a surrogacy or putting his own child up for adoption. It felt like a completely different situation, since he was long past the days of having an emotional attachment to his baby, but he supposed that it was still good to at least chat with the Commanders and Wives here and there. After all, they were supposed to be the people who would teach the child that he gave birth to the difference between right and wrong, give them a good education and an excellent start to life, and would be giving them the best quality of life possible.

And so they started discussing everything that came to mind. Chan learned Jeonghan's story; it was something that Jeonghan could regurgitate without even thinking nowadays, so he had no trouble in going through everything with him, right from the moment that he was chosen to become a Handmaid at thirteen through to his current position. He then learned some more about Chan, although it had mostly been covered by their earlier discussion about his past Handmaids. 

The interesting part, though, was finding out a bit more about his relationship with Jihoon. Apparently, it hadn't been just a regular Commander-Handmaid affair between them. Chan found that he was flirting rather heavily with his now-Wife and he didn't want to stop seeing him in that sort of way when Jihoon was pregnant. In fact, it made things even worse; the thought that he'd put a baby inside him only made Chan fall harder for the Handmaid, and he just wanted him even more. He found that he was really attracted to his body when he was carrying - the slight puffiness in his chest and the way that his nipples swelled just like his stomach were like a guilty pleasure for him. Of course, his late Wife ended up finding out soon enough, and whilst she was more than happy to turn a blind eye when they were doing it in order to get Jihoon pregnant, she wasn't happy that it continued after that.

Apparently, she confronted him and Jihoon gave a typical sassy remark about how her husband wanted him more, and so she pushed him down a flight of stairs. Of course, she quickly realised what she did and took him straight to the hospital, but Jihoon's tiny body didn't take to the fall too well and so he ended up losing the baby. Jeonghan noted how Chan seemed to dwell on that for a while, confessing to how hurt he was over it. He and his Wife ended up arguing a lot over it until finally, they decided that they would get a divorce even if Jihoon managed to conceive again.

What quickly became apparent to Jeonghan was that Chan loved children. He explained that even though he was still young, he would have given absolutely anything to have a child by every single one of the Handmaids he'd had living in his house. It wasn't a possessive thing, though; he just wished that he could be the father of the ten babies that could have happened, Jeonghan's baby, plus the twenty or so babies that he'd lost during his teen years. He was earning enough money to be able to afford them and although he wouldn't be able to be with them all of the time, he knew that if he had a few Marthas and a loving Wife, they would be able to work everything out just fine. Of course, there was no way of getting back lost babies and missed opportunities, but he guessed that that was life and he would just have to find other ways of having children once Jeonghan's baby was born.

To a degree, Jeonghan felt sorry for the Commander. He'd heard from a number of Handmaids that the loss of a child was a hard one for them, even if they detached from the baby on an emotional level. It always seemed to happen for the couples who wanted a child more than anything; those who were compassionate to others and deserved to have a family more than anyone else. They always said that it was hard to watch the Commander and Wives' reactions to finding out that their baby didn't make it, and so a lot of Handmaids would voluntarily leave their positions if they grew close to the couple. Knowing that Chan had experienced it a number of times and was still hoping for a miracle hurt the Handmaid's heart as he made an unconscious decision to be as careful as possible for the remainder of his pregnancy. The last thing he needed was to set Chan up for further disappointment.

It was an absolute relief, as a result, when he managed to reach full term and went into labour when he was sat in the main room with Chan's Wife. As much as he knew that it would be easy enough to remain hostile with Jihoon all the way up until that point, all of his negative feelings were dropped as soon as he started to feel the contractions and Jihoon reacted calmly and immediately. The Wife had taken him to a hospital, rather than calling the Aunts, which Jeonghan quite frankly appreciated more than anything in the world. It was because he didn't want to risk losing another baby by being too far away from medical help, he said, and seeing as there was yet to be a successful birth from an Ofchan, he was allowed to do so.

As soon as they were in the hospital room, Jihoon seemed to be rather awkward about standing around, though. When asked, he mused about potentially leaving the room so that Jeonghan could give birth in peace. After all, they weren't exactly on the best terms and the last thing he wanted to do was cause too much stress for him. The Handmaid was quick to invite him to hold his hand as he gave birth regardless, which seemed to thrill the Wife as much as he tried to curb his excitement, and then he quickly moved back to the bed so that he could give as much encouragement as possible. Frankly, Jeonghan wouldn't have let anyone else do that sort of thing with him, but he'd decided as soon as Jihoon took him there that he would be a bit more civil with him.

Then, just as Soonyoung and Seokmin had done, he snuck the baby back into the room to see Jeonghan. The Aunts weren't due to arrive for a while, since they didn't want to see the baby before Chan managed to get to the hospital from work, so Jihoon figured that it would be nice to give him that privilege. She was just as tiny as his other daughters but already had soft tufts of black hair around her crown. In general, she was a quiet baby, but the sounds of the greedy suckling of her bottle warmed Jeonghan's heart more than anything he'd ever heard up until that point. 

Eventually, a flustered Chan joined them in the room and immediately broke down when he saw that they finally had the foundations laid for the perfect family that he'd always wanted. He pressed countless little pecks to the baby's head, one firm kiss on Jihoon's lips, and then made his way over to the bed so that he could hug Jeonghan. The moment that was shared between them completely changed everything for Jeonghan. Any remaining feelings of negativity completely washed away when he was given the chance to hold her for a moment, and he didn't even care that Jihoon would be her mother now. After all, he supposed that everything that they'd gone through over his time with them would have left Jihoon reconsidering his approach to Handmaids, especially if they were going to be carrying Seungkwan's baby instead of Chan's.

It was all so bittersweet, as far as the Handmaid was concerned, but at least he knew that they would love their daughter more than anything else. They weren't the perfect couple and had a lot of problems to sort out, but he figured that having a new addition to their family would give them the opportunity to work things out like adults, for her sake if not theirs. He sent them off with good wishes, just as he'd done with all of his other hosts, and then simply waited for the Aunt to come so that she could get him straight back to the dorms and help him to start the cycle all over again. 

After that placement, he was absolutely ready to start fresh again. He needed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to finish this placement off on a more positive note without redeeming Jihoon as such, if that makes sense?? Like it was mostly for Chan, now that Jeonghan's had the chance to meet him properly and understand what's up with him?? Plus they're all adults, so they should be able to work that sort of thing out really, seeing as it's something relatively simple and all
> 
> Anyway, he's about to go to his final placement of the series here, which is pretty sad really seeing as it means that the fic is coming to its close. I'm not going to give spoilers, but it's the main OG pairing right here
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	29. Carnation

Becoming Ofseungcheol was probably the scariest and arguably the worst experience of Jeonghan's life.

He was sent there soon after Jihoon and Chan's child was born, having been given minimal time to recover as usual. This time, he wasn't as bothered as he had been with his previous placements, since he'd already met the Commander and expected that he was going to be as nice to him in his own home as he had been when they were in Commander Mingyu's house together. There wasn't much that could change, really; Jeonghan didn't think that an individual would be able to change their entire personality like that in order to charm the person they'd taken to bed, so he was certain that he didn't have anything to worry about. The bonus was that it wasn't going to be all too awkward with his Wife, either. The Aunts insisted that the Commander was going to be home this time, as they lived in an area close to where Daegu used to be and it was an area that Jeonghan had never visited before. There were no other Handmaids around to go for walks with him, so he was made to go on his own instead. There was no way of escaping, though, since there was high surveillance in the area, it was surrounded by brick walls, and there was security staff at each gate. However, it was a bit like a maze still, apparently, and so the Commander wanted to show him around before his first trip out to the market.

That was good enough for the Handmaid. He figured that it was a sign that he was getting more freedom, and that perhaps he would be able to spend some more time with the Commander. Whilst it was obviously going to be on a professional level and he certainly wasn't going to become a homewrecker when he knew that the Commander and his Wife had hired him specifically to be able to carry a child for them, he still liked the thought that perhaps he would still be able to make a friend in Seungcheol. That was what was making him excited to go to their house and become a temporary member more than anything, and so he even made sure to take extra pride in his appearance when he was taken over to the house.

The first thing that he noticed was that their garden was a vision of red and white. It put him on edge for just a moment, as it was a brief reminder of the first time that he saw the cabin in which he'd spent three years of his life. Yet, this was somewhat different to what he'd seen in the past. The cobbled path that led to the house was framed perfectly with alternating white hyacinths and red tulips. They were very different flowers but strangely complimented each other well. Jeonghan supposed that it was the colour more than anything, along with the fact that they were arranged in clustered patches where no tulip touched a hyacinth directly. Moving towards the house, the same theme was present in the bushes that grew around the perimeter of the building. Nearest to the door grew white roses, followed by red camellias, and then back to roses again. On top of that, there were hanging baskets on either side of the door with gardenias in one and red carnations in the other.

It was strangely beautiful, and Jeonghan appreciated all of the efforts that must have been put into making the house look so beautiful from the outside. The best part was that unlike his cabin, the inside of the building was beautiful, too. A woman was quick to invite him in as soon as he reached the door, without even waiting for him to knock first, and so he got to see how attractive it all looked right away. He was amazed by how the house still appeared to be modern, despite the fact that all of the furniture was very traditional. Perhaps it was the dash of colour here and there, or even the occasional contemporary item sneaking in occasionally, but it made for a beautiful walk through to the Commander's office.

And then he walked in to see Seungcheol behind the desk in his dress uniform, rather than his day uniform.

Jeonghan swore that his heart completely stopped. In an instant, all of the memories of the breeding party came rushing back to him, as if it were yesterday instead of around two years prior to meeting this time. All promises that he would refrain from getting romantically attached to the Commander flew straight out of the window as Jeonghan saw a smile brush over Seungcheol's lips. "Would you like to come in and sit down?" he asked, and suddenly the Handmaid realised that his legs were like jelly as he started on his way over to where the Commander was sat. They exchanged another sweet smile when he was seated, and then the Handmaid took in a deep breath as he prepared himself to speak.

That was when the Commander's Wife moved forward to sit next to her husband. Jeonghan immediately felt his heart plummet through his stomach until it felt like all of the shattered pieces were diffusing around his body. The nature of their language meant that Seungcheol hadn't directly mentioned that his Wife was female, and that hurt more than it would have done if another man had made his way over to sit next to him. He tried to force a smile again, although he knew right away that it was weak and pathetic and it almost certainly showed that he was disappointed. Seungcheol introduced her by name. Jeonghan didn't hear it. He didn't really want to hear it, in all honesty, and he hoped that he would merely be able to address her as "Commander Seungcheol's Wife". That would really make it clear to his ridiculous mind that his fairytale ideals weren't appropriate in this situation.

They went through the rules as always, and Jeonghan found that they were all rather self-explanatory, as they had been in other houses. He wasn't allowed out after nine o'clock because the guards would be on the lookout for anything suspicious in the dark. He wasn't allowed to enter the Commander's bedroom without permission for obvious reasons, but likewise, they were unable to go into his room without permission. It was more about respect than anything else, and Jeonghan appreciated it. The added bonus, however, was that he was allowed to choose when he wanted to go ahead with the ceremony. If he wanted it to be that evening, they could get straight onto it, but likewise, he was more than welcome to leave it for a little while or simply cluster all three in the final few weeks. It was whatever worked for him.

At that point, the Wife made her way out of the room, claiming that she was in the process of making something delicious for lunch and didn't want it to burn. It was Seungcheol's job to take Jeonghan to his room, as a result, and so the Commander stood before motioning for Jeonghan to do the same. They started on their way out of the office and around to the left. The hallway was strangely long; Jeonghan had figured from the fact that the house looked small and humble that all of the rooms would be tightly packed together and there wouldn't be that much room for them to walk. Yet, it seemed that he'd completely underestimated the size of the building when he was actually inside of it. In fact, he even found that it had an upstairs area, as well as what appeared to be a basement.

He made sure to ask about the basement as soon as he saw it and immediately earned a slight smile from Seungcheol in response. "I suppose you won't believe this, but that's where my Wife and I sleep." Jeonghan couldn't help but stare at him in silence when he heard that bit of information. He couldn't believe that whilst the house looked so pretty upstairs and on the main floor, he would be placed in an upstairs room whilst the Commander took a room in the basement. It was particularly unbelievable when he noticed that there was a spare room right next to his one. Surely it would've made more sense for them to live up in the main room. Yet, Seungcheol promised that it was for the best that they took that room and they had perfectly calculated why it was best to take the basement instead of the room next to Jeonghan's one. One day, he would end up seeing it and understand exactly why it was the case.

Of course, Jeonghan's mind started to fill with ideas. If he didn't already know that Seungcheol and his Wife hadn't had sex in months, he would have probably assumed that it was a sex dungeon or something. It would give them a good amount of space and their guests wouldn't think to go into the basement or anything. No, he guessed that it was something else instead. Perhaps his Wife didn't like the sound of birds in the morning and the underground space meant that she wouldn't have to hear it in the early morning. Perhaps they had something really weird in there, or that was where they were hoarding children or Handmaids. Perhaps it was something completely reasonable, like his Wife having an allergy to dust and finding that a basement was easier to keep clean so that she didn't feel ill. Maybe it was something completely different. Jeonghan had no idea really, and the more he thought about it, the more his mind was grasping at straws. He was sure that there would be a reasonable explanation for it, but he wasn't really planning on asking for that explanation just yet. He didn't think he would get it anyway.

As he went into his room and sat down, he felt a strange sense of familiarity. The room was laid out very similarly to his room in Mingyu's house, and even had the same bedsheets that he had had when the breeding party was in session. He glanced up towards the Commander, who was still stood awkwardly in the doorway, and promptly questioned it. "I hoped that it would make you feel more at home," he confessed with an awkward smile, "I don't know how your last placement went, or even whether you liked it at all, but I guessed that perhaps you might like a bit of consistency. I know that if I were a Handmaid, I would feel a lot more comfortable in an environment that feels more like home, rather than one where I feel as if everything is fresh and new again. Does that make sense?" It made perfect sense, and Jeonghan appreciated it more than anything. He offered up a sweet smile as he invited the Commander in to sit with him for a while, and then politely toed off his shoes as he started to get comfortable on his bed.

Seungcheol seemed a bit wary about making his way over but still did as he was asked without any complaint. He perched awkwardly on the edge of the bed, as far away from Jeonghan as possible. "I hope I'm not stepping over the line when I say this, but I thought for a moment that you weren't all that happy about being here when we started to go through the rules," Seungcheol confessed, his hands moving to adjust the cuffs of his shirt. He seemed rather nervous and vulnerable, and Jeonghan strangely enjoyed that look on him.  
"It's not that," he confessed, "I've been looking forward to seeing you again since we..." Jeonghan trailed off, not really wanting to say it out loud as such. He knew that Seungcheol knew exactly what he meant, and so it didn't really need saying. It would just make things awkward.

The Commander gave a hum of understanding. "Were you put off when my Wife came over?" He paused for a moment for Jeonghan to give an answer but frankly, the silence was enough to tell him that that was the case. "You know, she doesn't have to be around all the time. In fact, she goes into Seoul a few times a week in order to... well, do some business. And I'm allowed to work from home a lot, so we can always spend time together without her being here." The words seemed sincere, as if he genuinely wanted to be able to do that. It just added to the hurting that Jeonghan felt, since he knew that his morals were heavily against "spending time" with a married man. His heart wanted to take him up on the offer more than anything, but he just couldn't do it.

The whole situation made his head feel dizzy, if he was being completely honest. He didn't even know what exactly had left him feeling so attached to the Commander. He'd slept with a number of Commanders in the past and had never once found his heart beating faster when he made eye contact with them. He hadn't ever wanted to feel any of them kissing him or making him feel as if he was the only one in their lives, but Seungcheol was something different entirely. If Jeonghan was ever going to drop his morals for a married man, it would be for him. He was drawn to the masculinity and energy that radiated from the man in front of him, and it made him feel more disgusting than anything.

"I can't do that," he confessed with a weak smile.  
"She doesn't mind if we have a fling."  
"I can't have an affair with a married man." The Commander gave a soft sigh of defeat before running a hand through his hair. Jeonghan noted how the motion brushed the hair off his forehead and left it looking tousled when it flopped back down.  
"Look," Seungcheol started as he made eye contact with the Handmaid. His eyes were showing a weakness that Jeonghan had never seen in a man like him before, and it was rather scary. He reached a hand out to touch the back of Jeonghan's fingers, and he was instantly relaxed when Seungcheol started to speak again. "I need you to understand that I love her but we married when we were young and didn't even have a chance to get to know ourselves beforehand, never mind each other. I'm twenty-seven years old and have been married to her for eleven years. I realised that I prefer men around a year ago, and at around the same time, she realised that she prefers non-physical intimacy."

Jeonghan could feel his throat starting to get dry as the Commander explained his situation. He didn't want to feel so old when he had yet to hit his thirtieth birthday. Even if it was going to be a brief affair, he just wanted to feel alive with someone for enough time to make him want to continue. He knew that it would be a different story when he eventually had children, as they would keep him feeling energetic and childish, pure and fun. That was why he needed Jeonghan to be there for him for just a short period of time. He would be there for Jeonghan too, and then they wouldn't have to worry about anything that happened between them once they parted.

As much as it sounded a lot more appealing when it was put like that, the Handmaid was still rather wary. His morals took a smaller hit when he found out that Seungcheol's Wife was allowing him to explore a bit more, as a result of his new-found preferences, but he did still have some issues with the arrangement. For starters, he knew that he would be living in constant fear for the moment in which he realised that he'd fallen hard for the Commander and was forced to simply pretend that his feelings didn't exist. He knew that it would be hard to do so, but he wouldn't be able to keep Seungcheol nor the baby. It was hard enough knowing that this time he would definitely be carrying Seungcheol's child, without having to worry about the fact that his selfish conscience was begging him to refuse to hand it over.

Nevertheless, his stupid mind did the speaking instead. Before he'd even found the words to say that he didn't want to do it - that he couldn't stand the thought that he was going to become greedy and selfish and desperate - he informed the Commander that if it was agreed upon with the Wife beforehand, he supposed that perhaps they would be able to sleep together more than they would be doing in a regular arrangement. He trusted that Seungcheol would confirm it with her once more before they started, and he hoped that it would be sorted out before the morning so that they would get started on making a baby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is really long overdue and I feel really bad about it honestly because exams have put me behind by quite a few chapters. As a result, I'm going to try to make up for being three chapters short of my usual schedule by posting three extra on top of my usual schedule. It's taking a little while to get back into writing in a non-academic style so please bear with me, but I'm seeing what I can do and hopefully getting them out as soon as possible!!
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	30. Babies

Of course, Seungcheol stuck to his promise when it came to the affair. Once his Wife had left the house, he was straight onto Jeonghan. He didn't touch him until he was given permission to do so and the Handmaid didn't shy away from his touches, but as soon as he was given the go-ahead for it, his hands and lips were all over him.

Jeonghan knew right away that what they were doing was still wrong. He knew that his morals had completely flown out of the window and it was something that he was embarrassed about. The Commander swore that he got permission from his Wife to do what he was doing and she had informed him that it was perfectly fine as long as she didn't witness it in the house, but it still seemed rather dodgy. The Handmaid was concerned about the whole matter and honestly believed that there was more to the story but if the Commander had been informed that he was welcome to sleep with him outside of the ceremonies, he wasn't really going to go against that. After all, the last thing he wanted was for this placement to be his last one because he'd failed to conceive and ended up being sent to the colonies.

It started with gentle neck kisses from behind, and then the Commander's hands moved around to Jeonghan's front so that he could stroke up and down his torso. He paused for a moment with his hand on the Handmaid's stomach so that he could growl something sexy into his ear about how he was going to put a baby into him and watch his stomach swell with each passing day. As lewd as it sounded, the words sent a shiver through Jeonghan's body and left his knees feeling weak. He didn't complain whatsoever when he felt Seungcheol gently rubbing against him a little as he asked whether he wanted to go to the bedroom, and he even allowed the Commander to scoop him up and carry him up to his bedroom so that they could get started.

Then Seungcheol worshipped him. If all affairs felt so good, Jeonghan didn't know why the Commanders and their Wives stayed together. From the moment he hit the bed sheets, his robe was peeled off slower than he could have possibly imagined - almost guided off his body, in a way. There was a hint of desperation behind Seungcheol's actions, but he was exercising an incredible amount of self-restraint as he made the process very gradual and loving. The kisses were pressed all over his body, with particular attention to the areas of his body that would change when he finally started to carry a baby. His chest, hips and stomach were loved on more than Jeonghan thought possible. It wasn't really the sort of behaviour that he expected from a Commander, but he loved every second of it.

He figured that it was appropriate to reward Seungcheol's efforts by taking him into his mouth. It was something that absolutely wasn't allowed in their society anymore and he knew that if the Commander finished anywhere other than an area that could use his release to create a child, they would both end up being punished heavily for it. But for now, it didn't matter whatsoever. What mattered more was helping him to feel alive and loved for a short period of time. If Jeonghan was going to dip into that territory, he was going to put effort in to make sure that the Commander was experiencing something that he never expected to have happen to him in his lifetime. After all, they had already slept together once, so it was hardly like it was a special first time to mark the start of their fling. He ended up getting the exact results that he'd hoped for with it in the end anyway. Seungcheol's fingertips knotted in his hair and his eyes lidded as soon as Jeonghan started to go down on him. His lips were parted ever so slightly, and his body gradually arched up into the touches.

And they finally got to do it properly and fully, with Jeonghan riding the Commander again. That was how they stayed for most of it, with Seungcheol informing him that he wasn't going to get impersonal again for their first time as Commander and Handmaid. Near the end, they did switch so that Jeonghan could lay back against the pillows with Seungcheol thrusting up between his thighs, but that was once the Handmaid had grown to be rather tired from having to lead. Despite the support that Seungcheol had given his hips and back as he led the session, there was still only so much that he could do without hurting and so they were forced to switch it up right at the end in order to keep up the pace that they had established since the start.

The come-down was something that Jeonghan had never really expected, though. It was far from what he'd experienced with other Commanders in the past. Seungcheol curled himself around his back and wrapped an arm around his waist, almost possessively. It was as if they were actual lovers living in past times, in which they were able to cuddle after sex and feel good about what they had between them. It felt, for a moment, like he was married to Seungcheol or something. He'd never heard of a Commander cuddling and kissing a Handmaid after the fantasy of the affair had faded into the reality of their true relationship. It was like continuing with bondage when everyone had had their fill of the roleplay and it didn't really seem all too appropriate, but he guessed that if that was what made the Commander happy, he wasn't really the person to tell him that it couldn't happen.

"So how did you find that?" Seungcheol eventually asked him once they'd had a decent amount of time to recover from everything that had happened between them. The kisses stopped for a while, presumably as he tried to figure out whether the Handmaid had enjoyed it or was just doing it because he felt that it was his duty to do whatever the Commander said.  
"I am still a bit concerned about doing this when you have a Wife," Jeonghan admitted, "But it was pleasant."  
"Pleasant? As in, you enjoyed it or you weren't opposed to it?"

Jeonghan couldn't help but laugh. Of course he enjoyed it. He wouldn't have continued if he wasn't enjoying himself. He was strong enough by that point to be able to stand up for himself and say no if he wasn't in the mood for something. Whether Seungcheol was a new Commander or someone who had been in the military for long enough to become rough around the edges, whether he was a charmer or aggressive in his attitude, Jeonghan knew that the only thing that was making rejection difficult was the fact that he was very much attracted to the Commander. It meant that there was a constant battle between his head and heart, and it was a battle that he would decidedly rather not have. He made sure to point that out to the Commander so that he knew where they stood with each other, and upon finding out, Seungcheol merely gave a hum of acknowledgement.

"Is there anything that I can do for you now?" he asked. The Handmaid figured that it was probably his guilty conscience, since he knew that Jeonghan was rather uncomfortable with the affair despite the permission that they'd gained in order to go ahead with it. There wasn't really anything, though, as far as he was concerned. He wasn't going to ask for something unrealistic, like to replace Seungcheol's Wife and raise their child together once it was born, and asking for something little was as much good as not asking for anything at all.  
"Come on," the Commander told him, "I can get you anything you want. I'm pretty high up in the military, so I can arrange for anything for you. If you want me to get you particular snacks from your childhood imported from the military base, I can do that. If you want a pet puppy or a kitten, I can arrange for that to be done. Hell, I can even get you permission to meet all of your kids if you'd like that."

Now that was something that Jeonghan had never really considered as a possible option. The Commander noticed how the Handmaid's body suddenly tensed at the thought of seeing his children again, and so he focused his attention on that point. "Would you like to see your kids, or would that be something that you're really against? I couldn't tell from your reaction."  
"Is it really possible?" the Handmaid asked as he turned to face him, "Is that really something that you're able to do, or is it just a hypothetical situation? Because I don't want to get my hopes up if it's not possible to see them again."

Seungcheol immediately broke into a smile. He knew right away that it was the perfect situation for the Handmaid and that he wanted to see his children more than anything in the entire world. One hand ran through Jeonghan's hair as he leaned forward to press one more gentle kiss to his lips, and then he gave a very gentle tap on Jeonghan's thigh with his hand. "If we get washed up and dressed, we can go down to my office and arrange it together. Would you like that?" Jeonghan swore he could cry as soon as he heard the news. It was going to become real again. Although he wouldn't be able to tell any of them that he was their actual mother, he supposed that it was a good start to be able to see them and pretend to be an uncle or something. It meant that he would have a bit of closure and would be able to know for sure whether all of his children were growing up in healthy, loving families in which they were given the best possible start to life.

They ended up getting washed and changed in record time. Although it wasn't exactly appropriate, the Commander ended up seeking out a more lightweight red dress for Jeonghan to wear whilst they were alone in the house. He'd calculated it and his Wife wouldn't be back home for at least another two or three hours, so they had plenty of time to sit in the dress before he had to go and get changed into his fresh robe. It just added that bit of comfort that Jeonghan needed now that they'd finished their first "ceremony" of sorts. They made their way down to the office from the moment they were ready before switching on the computer. Jeonghan was given a seat next to Seungcheol and was even allowed to have a look at the information on the screen without it being shielded in any way. That allowed him to see the process of finding his children on the system and made it that little bit more real for him.

The Commander made sure to take note of all of the email addresses for the parents of his children. Kim Ryung. Jung Daesung. Lee Seokmin. Wen Junhui. Kim Mingyu. Lee Chan. Each, in turn, was sent the same message about how Jeonghan wanted to be able to meet his little ones so that he could feel that little bit of comfort from knowing that they were all okay, along with a suggestion that they should come over one Sunday so that he could meet them altogether.

As soon as the send button had been hit, Jeonghan could feel himself breathing a sigh of relief. It was done and he was almost certainly going to get to meet all of his children just once more. It was going to be the best experience of his life and he honestly couldn't wait for it. The mere thought of getting to see his babies again left his heart thumping hard in his chest. The Commander could tell that he was both excited and nervous right away and offered up a warm smile as he took Jeonghan's hand in his own. "Would you perhaps like to tell me about your children? I've read your file and know that you've had quite a lot of babies, both before you became a Handmaid and whilst you've been in the system, but I've never really researched any of them. I figured that it was your business and I didn't really want to be that person to start prying into your private business, if that makes sense."

Jeonghan gave a little nod. Whilst under any other circumstance he would be reluctant to tell a new Commander about his past life and all of his previous placements, he figured that there was no harm in telling Seungcheol after he'd already arranged for the other Commanders to bring their children over to his house. He knew that he wouldn't have done anything like that if he was a person who wanted to exploit his need to see his kids for his own satisfaction, and he was absolutely certain that it was okay to have that talk with him. In a way, he felt connected with the Commander, and that was only solidified further when he realised how much he must have genuinely cared for his wellbeing enough to allow him to meet his children like that.

And so he began to recite his story again. He'd told it so many times that it was essentially ingrained in his mind by that point, word for word. It came spilling out with no problems at all, and he gave all of the details that he could about everything. It started from the hospital, as it always did, and then eventually started to move to his fake marriage, pregnancies, his attempt at escaping, and then his placements under the Handmaid system. He could tell that Seungcheol was genuinely interested the whole time and he managed to keep up with it rather well, even though the story included a lot of things that he probably wouldn't know all that much about.

"Do you want to have lots of kids of your own when you become a Wife?" he asked curiously at the end of the story, "I know you already have a lot of children, but you seem to like being around kids a lot." The question dragged a smile to Jeonghan's lips when he heard it. It was embarrassing; Seungcheol had caught onto it right from the start. None of the other Commanders or Wives had realised that he really enjoyed being around children, despite the fact that he was always so excited to hold the babies despite knowing that they weren't his as such. Of course he wanted his own children. He was a bit of a hopeless romantic who dreamed of finding his true love one day and raising a litter of children with that person. He wanted more than anything to be surrounded by a number of children that he could raise to be intelligent, loving, generous adults.

"That's my dream, too," Seungcheol admitted, "I feel like I'm starting to get old now so I don't know how likely it is for it to happen, but I'd really like to have at least six children around the house by the time I'm thirty-five."  
"Really?" Jeonghan asked, trying harder than anything to avoid showing that the comment had made the Commander that little bit more attractive. It was a hard task, seeing as everything Seungcheol did was earning him bonus points. "You strike me as the sort of person who wouldn't want too many kids because of your work but I suppose it's hard to judge based on appearance."

Seungcheol gave a gentle squeeze to the Handmaid's fingers as he nodded. He pointed out that he'd always really liked kids and always helped the neighbours with babysitting when he was younger, and so he was somewhat experienced when it came to looking after children as well. He admitted that he did prefer them when they were a little bit older, but it took work to get them to that age and he was more than happy to raise his children right from birth. "You know, if I had the chance, I think it would be nice to be able to raise children with you. I think you'd be a good mother and it's always nicer to be able to raise some of your own kids instead of having to raise someone else's. I suppose that's where a lot of ex-Handmaids struggle; they don't want to retire their bodies just yet but it's easier on them to get a Handmaid."

Jeonghan gave a hum of agreement. He chose not to acknowledge the comment about them raising a family together, as it didn't seem appropriate to do so, but he supposed that it was always an option if Seungcheol found himself without a Wife in the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to say that I've pretty much caught up now, so the next chapters will come on their usual days; Mondays and Thursdays. There are only a few chapters left now - I believe that this fic should be finished on Monday 29th January now, so it's a date to remember and I'll try to get it out relatively early in the day too.
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	31. Closure

Jeonghan could feel his nerves starting to rise when it got to the point where he was able to see his children again. The Wife went out for the day, as she was requested to do, so it was just himself, Seungcheol and the families of all of his children in the house. It made it that little bit more personal, although he supposed that it made him that little bit more nervous as well. He knew that Myungseok was incredibly intelligent for his age and would probably expect that his mother was Seungcheol's Wife or something, especially since it had been arranged that he would be out of his Handmaid uniform when he met them, and he knew that he didn't have the heart to correct his son.

He must have checked himself at least twenty times that morning. He'd checked his clothes - a new jumper and pair of trousers that Seungcheol had bought for him specifically to make the best impression possible - until he was almost convinced that it would be best to just change into something more basic. He'd had his make-up done that morning to make him memorable to all of the kids who would be coming into the house. He was given a ring to wear, just so that it wasn't too obvious what position he had in the household. That way, Myungseok and Gu - or rather, Jaehwa - wouldn't have to think of their mother as a victim of the system. They probably wouldn't have to find out about his relationship with their father, and their lives could be lived with them both being blissfully unaware of everything that Jeonghan went through.

Seungcheol made sure to make him feel just that little bit better about the situation. He told him that he looked beautiful and pressed a kiss to his cheek as he wrapped his arms around Jeonghan's waist. It served to comfort the Handmaid a little bit, although he didn't know why something so simple was making him feel better about the situation. It wasn't like Seungcheol could understand how nervous but excited he was about the whole experience. Jeonghan simultaneously wanted them to get there that little bit faster and also wanted to cry. It was a surreal situation for him, and he hated how it was breaking the strong image that he'd created for himself.

It wasn't long before the first Commander arrived at the house. Or rather, the first Commander and his Wife, plus several other children. Jeonghan waited nervously to the side, but as soon as he realised that Jisoo was there at the door with Ryung, he launched himself out into the open so that he could hug the Wife tightly. Jisoo simply let out a warm laugh as he greeted him with a similarly tight hug, before asking if Myungseok wanted to go in and meet his mommy. The phrase frankly left Jeonghan's heart racing. He pulled back to stare at Jisoo in horror, but his friend simply turned to look at his child before giving him an encouraging nod. "Go on, I'm sure your mommy is excited to see how much you've grown."

Jeonghan was on his knees as soon as he saw his son. He had short hair and his eyes looked exactly like Jeonghan's eyes. His nose, on the other hand, was just like his father's - thin but turned up slightly at the tip. He was wearing shorts, a shirt and a jumper, with traditional shoes. He seemed to be rather shy when he first saw Jeonghan but then moved forward to hug him when the Handmaid opened his arms to be embraced. "Did you know that I'm almost six now, mommy?" he asked when he pulled away, and Jeonghan immediately felt himself starting to tear up as he gave a nod.  
"You're six on September 22nd, aren't you? What would you like your mommy to get you for a gift?" Myungseok flashed a glance over to Jisoo, who gave an encouraging nod, then turned back to Jeonghan.  
"I would really like a wooden train, please." Jeonghan wasted no time in informing him that he would try his best to find one for him.

On their way into the main room, Jeonghan made sure to pull Jisoo to the side. "Are you sure that it's okay to tell him that I'm his mother?" he asked quietly, which resulted in his friend breaking into a warm laugh.  
"He knows that he's adopted. I didn't try to hide it from him whatsoever. He just knows that we're friends and that unfortunately, you're unable to spend too much time with him because you have work to do, but when you stop having to go to work, we might be able to meet more." The Handmaid made sure to hug him once more before they went in to talk for a while longer as they waited for the next Commander to arrive, and Jeonghan even made a point of getting to know Ryung and their other children in the process.

Next, Wonwoo and Mingyu appeared with their son. By the time they arrived, Wonwoo was particularly flustered. He apologised for the fact that they were late and pointed out that their son, Eutteum, kept running away whenever he was asked to put his clothes on. He was almost two by that point and was starting to misbehave a lot. Jeonghan informed him that they were only the second guests to arrive, which seemed to bring some relief to the Wife as he let out a long sigh before offering a hug. That was when Eutteum appeared, clinging to Mingyu's leg as he shyly tried to hide from the new people that he saw in front of him.

Jeonghan leaned down, as he had done with Myungseok, and asked the toddler whether he could get him some biscuits and milk as a treat. A glance up to Wonwoo said that it was okay and so he slowly started to move towards the Handmaid with a hint of curiosity behind each step. The first thing Jeonghan noticed was the fact that he already had round glasses perched on his tiny nose, and he promptly pushed them up again when he reached Jeonghan.

They all made their way into the kitchen as Jeonghan made small-talk with his son's parents. Just little things, like where his name had come from - it was one that he'd never heard before but apparently meant "the best" - and how their journey had been. Wonwoo confessed that he'd been incredibly excited to be able to meet Myungseok and Jaehwa so he'd been unable to sit still. Jeonghan was quick to mention that they had already arrived and informed him that they were welcome to go in and meet his son and best friend, which Wonwoo snatched up immediately. He followed them in before offering more snacks around, much to the excitement of the children. It ultimately led to everyone having snacks, including adults, and Seungcheol having to run out to the nearest shop to get more snacks for the guests who were due to arrive.

By the time he'd returned, Junhui and Seokmin had brought their families into the house, and Chan's family was just pulling up on their driveway. Jihoon offered an awkward wave as he made his way up to the house with his infant in his arms, and gave Jeonghan a hug without saying another word until they were in the main room. It was clear that whilst he was a lot more comfortable around the Handmaid now that they had their child and he was no longer living under their roof, he was still rather embarrassed by the fact that there was still a little bit of tension between them. It wasn't as extreme as expected, but it was still lingering in the background when they met again. When they were all seated, Jeonghan offered around the freshly-bought snacks before taking a seat on the floor with the children.

Seungcheol was quick to ask whether he was allowed to join them or whether it would be best for him to go elsewhere for a while, but the Handmaid was quick to invite him into the room to spend time with him and his children. If nothing else, he would feel like a terrible host if he left all of his guests alone whilst he went to answer the door for his daughter and her parents, so if the Commander was feeling like he didn't belong in the room or anything, at least he would feel as if he had some use. His face erupted into a smile as he made his way in to sit with them, although instead of sitting on one of the sofas with the other Commanders, he chose to sit next to Jeonghan instead. One arm wrapped around him, although thankfully he didn't try to kiss him in front of everyone. Whilst Jeonghan personally wouldn't have minded all that much, he was sure that the other Commanders or Wives would have something to say about it.

Introductions were exchanged, now that almost everyone had arrived at the house. Each of the Commanders introduced themselves and their Wives for anyone in the room who didn't know, and then each of the children was introduced in turn. By that point, some of the families had grown. In particular, Soonyoung had another small child and an infant in his arms, and Junhui was bouncing a baby on his lap, since Minghao was trying his best to keep the twins occupied. The Wife made sure to point out to Jeonghan that he'd produced two incredibly loud children who weren't always the politest and sometimes spoke over adults, but they were trying their hardest to train it out of the twins. He was certain that most of it was his husband's fault though, for being a huge brat all of the time. That made Jeonghan laugh; it was nice to see how some of his children differed from their half-siblings and it only made the experience that bit more fun for him.

He could barely keep up with the conversation when there were so many little ones to interact with. He supposed that none of them really knew that they were half-siblings, but Jeonghan figured that it was best just to let them play without bringing it up. After all, he didn't want the children to be told that they were the product of a Handmaid sleeping with their fathers, nor did he want them to feel distant from their other siblings as a result of meeting a number of other children with the same mother. It was just safer for them to all think that they were just unrelated children, there to play together for a while as Jeonghan caught up with his friends.

In particular, though, Jeonghan couldn't drag his eyes away from Jeongmin - Soonyoung and Seokmin's daughter. She was incredibly pretty and quite tall for her age, considering that she wasn't even three yet. He was particularly impressed by the fact that she was able to answer his questions properly, despite being so young. She had good vocabulary already and could speak short sentences with no issues. She even spoke to Jeonghan with a level of formality that he'd never really expected from a child of her age; she was adding polite endings to sentences when asking if she could have a certain toy or whether she could have another drink. Whilst he couldn't really expect that from any of his other children - except for Myungseok and perhaps Jaehwa - it was a sign that Soonyoung and Seokmin were truly raising her correctly.

It was like a dream. Whilst he'd started off his life as a Handmaid feeling reluctant to leave his children with Commanders and their Wives, it just went to prove that it really was the best for them. If they were able to develop so well and have such a great start to life, surely it was the best option for them. He just hoped that he would be able to raise his own children to that standard when he became a Wife.

He was deep in his thoughts when there was another knock on the door. For a moment, he'd completely forgotten about Jaehwa and her new family but as soon as he heard it, Jeonghan was up in an instant. Every bit of nerves that had been building in his body for the past week or so completely drained as he made his way through and opened the door with one quick swing. Yet, nothing could have really prepared him for what he was faced with.

Her parents were still getting out of their car. Jeonghan was simply stood face-to-face with his first daughter. She was wearing a cream and beige dress with ruffles and bows, with a matching coat and hair bow. She still had her winter tights - thick cappuccino-coloured cable knit ones - with little brown shoes with a slight heel. Frankly, she looked adorable. She stared up at him with wide eyes and let out a little gasp before a hint of deviance met the apples of her cheeks. "Are you Uncle Jeonghan? You're mighty tall, you know." She let out a sweet laugh - which was quite frankly music to Jeonghan's ears - before bowing deeply to him.

Everything was perfect. Jeonghan tried harder than anything to hold back his tears as he crouched down to her level and reached out to gently stroke her hair. "Is this better? Wow, you've grown a lot since I last saw you! I think you were still a baby last time we met so you probably won't remember me." He could hardly recognise his own voice as it came out. Every word sounded so nervous and shaky, and none of them sounded like the sort of words that he'd say. It felt as if someone else was speaking through him. He was sure that it was just an effect of the surreal situation that he was in. Then her adoptive parents started to make their way up the drive towards the house and Jeonghan quickly stood back up to full height. "Go on through to the main room for me please, there are some snacks waiting for you."

Of course, she was straight in the main room without needing to be asked twice. It left Jeonghan with the opportunity to introduce himself to the Commander and his Wife. Although they seemed to be relatively quiet, they were incredibly polite and made sure to thank him for blessing them with their daughter. The Wife even made sure to apologise for having changed her name when she went to live with them; whilst they loved her name, they tried to apply for her to have a place in a top grammar school in their local area as soon as she turned one year old and they refused to give her a place until they gave her a more traditional name. Jeonghan appreciated it more than anything; although he'd already gotten over it by that point, he was glad to know that they wanted to keep the name that she'd been given. If it was between a name and a top school, he knew he would've probably picked the school too.

Finally, everyone was together. They continued to chat as they made their way into the main room to join the rest of the group, and the Handmaid was relieved to see that everyone was getting on well. There was some hesitance from Myungseok when it came to playing with Jaehwa, although that was explained when he made his way to Jeonghan and whispered in his ear that he overheard some adults talking about his little sister and wondered whether Jaehwa was his sister. Jeonghan couldn't help but smile as he quietly informed his son that he was correct but none of the other children could know about that just yet, so he had to keep it a secret. Of course, he was straight over to play with her from that point and even invited her to play a game with some of the toys that Jisoo had taken along with him.

Jeonghan wouldn't have asked for a better day, in all honesty. He was so glad that he was able to see everyone and get contact details to be able to speak to his children as soon as he was able to do so, and Seungcheol even promised to get the list of details to him as soon as he retired from the Handmaid system, just so that none of the Aunts or Guardians or Commanders confiscated it before he had the chance to talk to his babies again.

By the time it came for them to leave, there was hope. It was sad too, obviously, but Jeonghan couldn't stop smiling. Even as everyone was leaving the house, he couldn't cry over it. He was beaming ear to ear when he and Seungcheol began to tidy up, and even putting his Handmaid uniform back on didn't pluck it off his lips. He was happy for the first time in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wanted to give a bit of a soft chapter because everything is about to hit like a ton of bricks on Thursday, but I hope it's provided some closure for those who were worried about Jeonghan's children!! Featuring the added bonus of seeing little bits of how the other Commanders and Wives have raised their kids~
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	32. Basement

For a few days, Jeonghan felt a lot better about his relationship with Seungcheol. Getting the opportunity to see his children led to them sleeping together a lot more than they already had been, and then Seungcheol even managed to sneak the Handmaid out of the house here and there so that they could spend more time together without having to worry about anyone judging their relationship or reporting them. They were like a real couple, or star-crossed lovers at the very least. To start with, it felt like a dream to be able to be with Seungcheol as if he was a Wife, but it didn't take too long for it to hit him that what he was doing wasn't right. His morals were back to bite him hard and this time, they were reluctant to back down.

At that point, he was faced with an internal battle again, and it was a shameful experience. He wanted nothing more than to enjoy the experience of feeling loved and appreciated. He wanted to feel happy when he saw the glimmer of happiness in Seungcheol's eyes every time they looked at each other. He longed more than anything to escape the mixed feelings of envy and guilt that flooded his body every time he saw Seungcheol kiss his Wife. Jeonghan knew that his reactions to the moments of intimacy between the Commander and his Wife weren't appropriate, but it honestly felt impossible to curb those thoughts. Now that he'd had a taste of how it felt to have Seungcheol's love, he wanted it all to himself. It wasn't his to take, though, and that was the worst part of the entire experience; he couldn't help but want to show the Wife that he was Seungcheol's new interest whenever he was alone with her, just so that he could increase his chances of getting the Commander to be his.

In the end, he simply told her. Not in a spiteful way, surprisingly, but more as a confession.

They were in the kitchen together whilst Seungcheol was at work and Jeonghan blurted it out. "I'm having an affair with your husband," he told her, "And it's not just sex." He could feel his heart rate hitting its peak as the words found their way into the air of the kitchen, and he swore he could've died when she turned around to look at him.  
"Is that so?" she asked quietly, although she didn't seem annoyed or upset. The Handmaid hesitated for a moment as he tried to read the situation as best as possible, but then eventually gave a slow nod. "Do you love him?" she asked without missing a beat, using the exact same tone as she had done in her previous question. This question just made the situation even worse. He didn't even know how to respond to it. Was it a trick question or did she genuinely want to know how he felt?

Decidedly, she wanted the truth. She was staring at him expectantly, but with a surprisingly soft expression. There was no hint of malice on her face. "I... I think I might be developing some romantic feelings towards him, yes." Compared to his confession, Jeonghan's words came out weak. They almost seemed unsure, which wasn't like him at all. Usually the Handmaid would try to seem composed throughout the conversation but there was something about this encounter that was different. For starters, when he admitted to being attracted to Seungcheol, the Wife gave a warm smile instead of seeming upset about it and promptly turned back to finish washing the dishes. Secondly, the atmosphere in the room didn't seem tense at all once he'd admitted how he felt about her husband.

"I'm sorry, you don't seem bothered at all," Jeonghan pointed out flatly. "Please don't tell me that you're planning on divorcing over this or anything. If that's so, I'll take everything back. I can cut things off as soon as I'm pregnant so that the baby can grow up happily with two parents. I've been a Handmaid for a long time and I promise this is the first and last time I slip up like this."  
"There's no need to cut things off, Ofseungcheol. Unless, of course, you're unhappy with the relationship you share." It only confused the Handmaid further. He had never really expected that a Wife would be encouraging him to have an affair with her husband, but it certainly seemed like that was the case with this Wife. He stared at her expectantly, waiting for some sort of explanation as to why she was acting as if it wasn't a big deal, but she simply continued to wash the dishes in silence before drying her hands and finally turning back towards Jeonghan. "Seungcheol hasn't shown you in the basement yet, has he? Would you like to see it? You might understand a bit better that way."

In an instant, his mind was racing like it had been the first time he'd heard about the basement. Whilst it sounded terrifying to go into an enclosed space with a woman who had just found out about him having an affair with her husband, Jeonghan couldn't curb his curiosity. Besides, she seemed to be rather happy when she found out about the affair, rather than being upset or annoyed, and so he supposed it was fine to go down there with her. Without giving himself the opportunity to overthink what he was doing, he gave a quick nod, and so the Wife promptly led him towards the entrance of the basement. With each step, Jeonghan could feel his knees locking underneath him. It was a struggle to get there, but then as soon as they reached the door, the Wife opened it wide and stepped straight inside before inviting the Handmaid to join her.

Even with his mind stocked with hundreds of theories about the basement, Jeonghan didn't think he would be able to guess the contents before he saw it. It wasn't a sex dungeon, there were no Handmaids chained to the walls, and he was certain that there weren't even any weapons around for her to kill him with if she was planning on doing so. No, this was completely different to anything he could have imagined. It was relatively small and heavily insulated, with several small heaters dotted around the room. In one corner of the room, there was an open shower and toilet area with no surrounding walls. There were support bars in the shower and on either side of the toilet. Nearby was a huge medicine cabinet without a door. Jeonghan could see at least fifteen different bottles and boxes inside the cupboard, although he couldn't see exactly what they were from that distance. He assumed that they were all different, due to the range of shapes and sizes of bottle that he could see inside the cupboard, but he couldn't be certain about it.

On the back wall, there was a work surface with a microwave and a rice steamer on top of it. A small fridge-freezer was placed underneath; it was just the right size to fit snugly in the gap. Jeonghan figured that there would be very little inside the fridge-freezer - perhaps basic items like milk, eggs, bread, and ice cream. He didn't think that much else would really fit in something so small. In fact, he wasn't even sure if those sorts of ingredients would be in there once he'd thought about it for a moment. There was no toaster or oven, so he guessed that it was more likely to include boxed meals instead of actual ingredients. He supposed that if they did need to make a proper meal, they had a fully stocked kitchen upstairs too, so it wouldn't be too much of an issue to go up and make a meal.

Moving across to the final side of the room, Jeonghan could see a large bed. It must have been a super king-sized bed, as it was bigger than anything he'd seen in his life. It was a Western-style bed with a thick mattress; Jeonghan guessed that it was probably bought from somewhere expensive and exotic as he'd never really seen that sort of bed in Korea before. The bed itself was made up perfectly with a number of plush pillows and what appeared to be satin bedsheets. The colour scheme was rather neutral, but the designs on the covers were particularly detailed. In fact, it looked as if they had been hand embroidered on, which gave an immediate air of luxury. It was absolutely beautiful, although the image of perfection was quite frankly ruined by a few pieces on one side of the bed.

Firstly, there was a small handheld machine on the bedside table. It was rather small and blue in colour, and to start with Jeonghan thought it was probably an ill-placed vibrator that had accidentally been left out of the safety of its drawer. It took a good minute or so for him to realise that he was incorrect, although he only managed to figure out exactly what it was when he noticed a vest that was covered in tubes and attached to a monitor placed down on a chair to the side of the bed. It looked strikingly like the sort of jacket that a nervous animal would wear, although he knew full well that that wasn't the garment's purpose. His suspicions were only confirmed further when he noticed another machine against the wall. It was about three or four foot tall with a humidifier at the bottom and another monitor at the top. As with the other equipment in the room, it was covered in tubes, but this machine was plugged into the wall.

Although he'd never seen that sort of thing before, Jeonghan knew that there was something seriously wrong with either the Commander or his Wife. In a way, he understood everything that was going on as soon as he realised that the room had been set up for ease of movement. It was heated separately so that the rest of the house wouldn't be affected when they turned on the heaters, and vice versa. The devices around the bed were supposed to be used by those who had breathing problems. He recognised the equipment from his past visits to the hospital, where patients would be told to continue using the machines instead of being given a long-term solution for their medical problems. As he turned to face the Wife, he could see on her face that whilst she'd made peace with the situation, she hated the position that she was in.

"You know, if we didn't have this fertility crisis, I probably would've lived until my late fifties. Our healthcare system is only interested in the people who can produce children," she told him calmly as she led him over to the bed to sit down. "I was actually fertile until recently but I couldn't live with myself if I passed this on to my child or my grandchildren. I had to tell this to the court and after several years, they deemed me unfit to bear children, so I was sterilised. Now that I'm as good as being in the colonies, I'm expected to live until I'm thirty, but I know I'm close to it already and I'm only twenty-seven. I just didn't want Seungcheol to bury both me and our children." Jeonghan stayed completely silent as he took a seat next to her. He didn't really know how to respond to her words; they only made him feel even more sorry for her, if he was completely honest. She waited for a moment to see whether he would reply, but then promptly continued when she figured that the Handmaid wasn't going to speak up. "But I don't want him to be completely alone either. Do you understand? If I pass away, I need someone to stay with Seungcheol and make sure that he's loved."

He realised what she meant without even needing to ask. Suddenly, everything from the past few weeks slotted straight into place and it all made complete sense. "Did you hire me to see if we clicked or something?" he asked as he stared at her, and the Wife simply gave a hum of acknowledgement.  
"It's always nicer to be able to raise your own children, isn't it? His friends recommended you as a Handmaid and I knew he was interested in you from the moment he saw your file. I think you'd make a sweet couple and I really hope that you're able to happily raise a family together."

Jeonghan's mouth was dry. He didn't know how to respond to that sort of statement, especially since she seemed to be encouraging him further to have a relationship with Seungcheol whilst they were still married. She didn't want him to wait until after she passed away to make a move; she wanted him to be there for her husband right away. "You might still live for many years," he pointed out to her, feeling the guilt starting to consume him as he spoke, but the Wife simply shook her head and gave a warm laugh. It wasn't the laugh of a person who was bitter about death but rather, an individual who was ready to embrace it.  
"I'm going to die whilst you're still our Handmaid. I can promise you that much. And I would appreciate it if you ignored my earlier comments about how I don't want to see you acting romantic and having sex in the house. I need you to get pregnant before I pass away so that they won't take you away from Seungcheol. He can't lose his Wife, Handmaid and his chance at starting a family at the same time."

Although he knew that he should be reluctant to go ahead with what she was suggesting, Jeonghan felt a sudden obligation to do as she said. It was no longer about having Seungcheol to himself, nor was it about the affair. He supposed that if he were to carry the Commander's child, there might even be the chance that he would be able to retire from the system early in order to be his new Wife. After all, that was essentially what had happened for both Jisoo and Jihoon. Commander Ryung's Wife passed away so he took Jisoo as his Wife. Commander Chan's Wife left Jihoon barren so he replaced her as his Wife when she was executed. It wasn't guaranteed, as the Aunts had insisted that he make his way through to the end of his waiting list before retiring, but he supposed that if the Commander specifically requested for him to be his new Wife, there was a good chance for them to be able to raise a family together.

He made sure to mention that to the Wife, although frankly her reaction this time was far from what he expected again. Instead of giving the sweet smiles and words of encouragement that he was expecting, he noticed that her mouth immediately twitched into a smirk, but she immediately tried to hide it as best as she could. He didn't really know what was so funny about what he said but figured that it was something that he shouldn't bring up from the way that she completely denied it, and so he ended up simply dropping it and pretending that he hadn't seen anything. By the time they went back up to the main part of the house, it had completely left his mind and that was honestly fine. The less information he had to try to interpret, the better.

When the Commander finally got home, everything was completely different to how it had been before Jeonghan and his Wife had spent some time talking. He supposed that Seungcheol had received the memo about their chat well before he got home, as he immediately grabbed Jeonghan by the waist as he stepped into the house and immediately pressed a firm kiss to his lips. It was loving and warm, and he guessed that that was what a true Wife got to experience every day when their husband got home. It was something that he was certainly looking forward to, if that was the case.

In fact, it grew to be even better when the Commander allowed him to sit on the sofa with them and cuddle up close during the films that they watched that evening. His fingers were wrapped around the Handmaid's and he gently stroked the side of Jeonghan's finger with his thumb as they focused their attention on the screen. It was just the little things like that which made the idea that he would be the future Seungcheol's Wife that much more appealing. Honestly, whilst he'd gone into the chat expecting to be isolated from the Commander as soon as he fell pregnant, he was much more content with the true outcome, in which they were gradually building their relationship up in the lead-up to their future together. He couldn't have wished for more to come out of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we finally find out about the basement!! I've left the condition unnamed but it's based on a real condition which causes a lot of problems and usually leads to complex respiratory issues if left untreated.
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	33. Number Eight

With the amount that Seungcheol and Jeonghan were sleeping together, it was a surprise that the Handmaid didn't fall pregnant sooner. After around two and a half months of living with the Commander and his Wife, he ended up getting the familiar nausea that he recognised to be a symptom of his pregnancies. Of course, it only grew worse until he got to the point where he couldn't put off taking a test any longer, and so he ended up having to ask the Wife if he could go to get a pregnancy test from the market. She was a bit wary about letting him out on his own to start with, but when Jeonghan swore that he knew what he was doing, having been to get a test in the past, she agreed. It was unfortunately the case that one of the village's guards needed to come and collect him so that he wasn't wandering around independently - especially when he suspected that he was carrying a baby - and so he went straight to the nearest drug store to collect his test.

The Wife sat with him as he took it. She made sure to hold his hand and tell him that she was proud of him for potentially carrying the Commander's child, and that he was almost certainly going to enjoy having his own children again. All Jeonghan could do was offer up a weak smile as he thanked her for the kind words, and then slowly peek at the test that was balanced perfectly on the edge of the bath when it had finished developing.

"Pregnant."

Of course, the Wife was just as thrilled as Jeonghan was. She hugged him tightly and then gently pressed a hand to his stomach as she told him that he'd been given a blessing and soon he would have a family of his own. Jeonghan gave a hum of acknowledgement, although frankly he was more in fear than anything. The issue that immediately came to mind was the fact that Seungcheol's Wife could quite easily live throughout the entire pregnancy and then he'd have to deliver the child for her and go on to his next placement, which would mean that there was a chance that Seungcheol wouldn't even get to take him as his next Wife. He'd sort of hoped that he wouldn't get any symptoms of his pregnancy until after his three month fertilising period, and then he would have to take a test a month after the last "ceremony" and he'd end up being with them for as long as physically possible, giving her plenty of time to get sicker.

He didn't really want her to get sicker, especially since she was kind and warm to him for the most part, but he knew that he wouldn't be able to keep his child if she lived for much longer and that thought absolutely terrified him. He couldn't stand the thought that he'd fall in love with the Commander and bear his child, only to have everything ripped away from him as he was shoved in another placement. He had a strange feeling that his body wasn't taking the back-to-back pregnancies as well as the Aunts seemed to think, and he honestly hated the fact that most Handmaids with his experience would have retired already, yet he was still in the system.

Based on his past timelines, he expected that he was already around three to five weeks pregnant. He hoped more than anything that he would end up carrying to full term so that he wouldn't have to cut his stay even shorter, or that something drastic would happen in his remaining time living in their house. Perhaps the resistance groups would finally be able to overthrow the government and they would be able to be free. Perhaps something would happen at the Handmaid centre and the Aunts would suddenly be forced to give them more body autonomy. He didn't really care what happened exactly, but he needed a miracle to save everything that he'd built with Seungcheol over his time as his Handmaid. It had been a relatively short period of time, but being around him every single day meant that it felt a lot longer than it actually was.

But it was a thought for another time, the Wife told him when she noticed the concern in his expression. For now, all he really needed to worry about was how he was going to tell the Commander that he was going to be a father. It wasn't something that would surprise him all that much, but it was something that he could easily make sweet and intimate. She suggested that maybe he could put the positive test in a gift bag and make him a cake that goes alongside it as a treat. That way, he'd be able to experience seeing the positive test as well as having something sweet to share with Jeonghan. He agreed straight away, figuring that it was a lot better than anything he'd ever done in the past. After all, he'd simply told Jaehwa and Myungseok's father that he was pregnant without making it all that special because he'd been the one to catch the signs in the first place, and there was no point in doing that for his other Commanders, as their Wives were often the ones to announce his pregnancy for him.

So they got started on preparing for when the Commander returned home. They even made a plan for fresh food to be delivered to the house so that there was no need to worry about cooking or cleaning up that night; instead, they could just focus on the good news and have a good night together. It would be perfect and sweet, and it was something that they could all enjoy.

Regardless of how nice it would be, though, Jeonghan was more than just nervous about the Commander coming home from work that day. He knew that he was well past the point of worrying; his heart was pounding so hard in his chest that he could hear it in his ears, and he could barely keep his hands still as he sat waiting for Seungcheol's return home. The Wife informed him that it would be okay and he didn't have anything to worry about, since she knew that Seungcheol was excited to have children with him and genuinely wanted to start a family together, but he still couldn't help the anxious feeling in his stomach. It felt as if something was wrong; as if there was going to be a drastic change in his life all of a sudden, which would leave everything broken. He couldn't put his finger on what the problem was but it was slowly eating away at his stomach.

After a little while, Seungcheol returned back from work. Jeonghan could see him getting out of his car through the sheer curtains in the main room, although he was sure that the Commander wasn't able to see him. He'd never really checked whether it was possible to see inside from the outside, so he didn't really know for sure. The door opened, it closed, and then there was silence for a moment as he seemingly listened out to see if he could hear where his Wife or Handmaid were, and then finally he called out for them both. "We're in the main room," his Wife called out. Jeonghan was glad that she chose to speak on his behalf as he knew full well that his voice would give him away if he were to try to talk to Seungcheol. She seemingly noticed that too, and promptly reached over to gently squeeze his hand as she offered up the sweetest smile that she could manage.

For the moment, Jeonghan calmed down. It only took that little squeeze to help him to relax his nerves. The Commander came in and saw them both sat there, and he immediately broke into a huge grin as he moved forward to greet them both. First, he hugged and kissed his Wife, and then they were hit with a little bit of tension as he awkwardly hugged Jeonghan. His kiss was pressed quickly and subtly on his cheek as he tried to refrain from allowing his Wife to see what he was doing, although she quickly gave a sigh and gently nudged his leg with her hand. "Kiss him properly. He's been waiting for you to come home," she told him with a slight hint of scolding in her tone. Seungcheol hesitated for a moment, trying to figure out whether he wanted to do as she said or ignore the suggestion, but then soon figured that he would prefer to just show his love for the Handmaid by pressing a soft kiss to his lips.

Jeonghan's heart began to thump hard again, although it was for a different reason this time. The adrenaline that came alongside something that felt so risky made him feel light and nervous but it was hardly something that bothered him all that much. He simply offered a weak smile in response and hugged the Commander once more before moving to sit back down on the floor by his feet.

That was when the Wife decided that it was time to get started on the reveal. She offered up a warm smile to the Handmaid and allowed her eyes to flash between him and the side of the sofa, behind which the present was hiding. Jeonghan hesitated for a moment, not really knowing how to go about it, but she made sure to lead once again so that he wouldn't clam up. "Seungcheol, would you just sit down for a moment for us please? I have to do something and Jeonghan wanted to show you something that he made today." Whilst the Commander seemed confused, he exchanged places with his Wife so that she was standing and he was sat in her seat, and then she promptly made her way through to the kitchen so that she could get the cake for him.

"What did you make today?" Seungcheol asked curiously as he gazed at Jeonghan. The Handmaid could tell that the Commander didn't really know what to expect, and that just made the pregnancy announcement that bit more terrifying. He swallowed before snatching up the bag and thrusting it in Seungcheol's direction, which seemingly made him even more confused. "You made me a gift?" he asked. Jeonghan simply nodded. He didn't really know how else to answer the question. Of course, Seungcheol wasted no time at all in removing the tape from the bag and pulling the used test out of the bag without even peeking first.

It took him a few seconds to realise what exactly it was, but then his face promptly lit up when he realised. His eyes flickered between the test and the Handmaid's face for a moment but before he had the chance to ask any questions, his Wife made her way in with the cake that they had made that afternoon. The bright red letters reading, "Congratulations, you're going to be a daddy!" made sure that there was no confusion whatsoever, nor any awkward explanations of what the two lines meant. The Commander immediately puffed up with pride as soon as he'd read what the cake said, and then all of his emotions unleashed at once.

It was rather unusual to see him so tearful and excited, Jeonghan mused. He'd had Commanders who were happy about the pregnancy announcements in the past, but never one who cried. If anything, it was usually the Wives who cried when they found out that he was carrying. He even made sure to pull Jeonghan up and kiss him in a way that was firm and assured now that it was apparent that they were going to have a future together, which was unexpected.

The announcement led to them sharing the cake before dinner even arrived, and then they promptly got started on sharing that food too. For a guy who was generally rather conscious about keeping his body in the optimal condition to carry children, Jeonghan found that he was able to eat quite a lot and genuinely enjoy the time that they all spent together. It was strange; he'd never expected that he would be sat with the Commander and his Wife, eating and making jokes as if they were all equal and he wasn't below them, but it came to them so naturally. It was how he imagined the past times being; people of all different classes, statuses and background sharing laughs together without being concerned about which individuals were better than others in the group.

It was refreshing, to say the least. For the first time in a long time, he felt included and involved. He felt like he belonged in their family and was genuinely looking forward to the few months in which he would be carrying a child for them, until either he would allow them to have his child or he would become Seungcheol's next Wife.

Yet, for now, he was drained. He didn't know how it hit him so suddenly and left his entire body feeling weak and fatigued, but it hit all at once and left him barely able to follow the conversation any longer. One minute, he was joining in actively and openly talking without worrying about how the Commander and his Wife would react to his comments, and then the next, he felt his entire body give up on being around people. He guessed that it came as a result of the fact that he rarely got to join in on such active conversations and so his mind didn't know how to handle having to think so much.

"I think the excitement has knocked all of the energy out of me," he confessed to them with a nervous smile. The last thing he wanted to do was simply finish dinner and go to bed so soon after announcing something so important to his hosts, but it was quickly starting to develop to the point where he was genuinely starting to struggle with keeping up any longer. As soon as he thought he was starting to get close to contributing again, he would realise that the topic of conversation had changed and would have to try to catch up again.  
"It's fine, you can rest," the Wife informed him with a polite smile, "We have a few arrangements to sort now that you're expecting, so it might be best if you take some time to unwind. We were going to do it when you went to bed anyway, but we can get it done earlier this way - no need to feel guilty or anything."

He supposed that that was fair enough and allowed them both to hug him before making his way through to his bedroom so that he could sleep. As much as he'd expected that he would just need a short nap, it quickly became apparent that he would probably be out for the whole night, as he couldn't even get changed out of his uniform before the next wave of tiredness washed over him. Instead, he decided that he would just allow it to swallow him whole, and so he curled up to sleep through to the morning.

Or rather, he intended to sleep until the morning.

_"Jeonghan, wake up."_

Jeonghan stirred at the sound of his name, although he kept his eyes closed for the moment. He guessed that it was just a part of his dream so there was no point in waking up properly yet. _"Jeonghan,"_ the voice hissed again, although louder this time. He felt a hand touch his shoulder, and at that point, he jolted up to see the face of his Commander above him. He wasn't sure of how long he'd slept for, but considering that the Commander had turned on a lamp on the other side of the room, he figured that it was still dark outside. There was an uncomfortable aura filling the room as they made eye contact, and it was only made worse when he noticed that Seungcheol's face was pale, even under the poor lighting.

"Is everything okay?" Jeonghan asked quietly, despite knowing full well that something was definitely wrong. There was a long pause before the Commander answered; an almost painfully long pause that left Jeonghan's entire body tingling in anticipation.  
"There's no easy way to say this. I need you to get as far away from this house as you can." Jeonghan could have laughed; it seemed so random and out of character for the Commander to say something like that, but he figured that it would be inappropriate to do so, given the pain in Seungcheol's expression.

"Are we all going?"  
"No, just you. I'll catch up with you when I can."  
"And your Wife?"

For some reason, he was fully expecting the answer. It was the only answer that could have possibly followed in his mind. It was the only answer that made sense, given the circumstances.

"I'm afraid she's no longer with us."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As we're getting close to the end of this fic, I'm finding that it's harder and harder to keep to the word limits. I guess it's mostly due to the fact that there's so much happening and I know that if I write everything I want to write, we'll end up with a really short final chapter, which is far from what we need right now!!
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	34. New Start

"What do you mean she's no longer with us?" Jeonghan asked, but Seungcheol didn't answer. Instead, he pulled him out of the bed and thrust a pile of clothes in his direction. The motion caught Jeonghan off-guard, but he decided to put them on without pressing the issue too much.

They were his Wife's clothes. Pale blue in colour and well-fitted to his figure. He had a satin blouse to wear, along with a wide-brimmed hat, a long pleated skirt, a shawl and knee-high white socks. It felt weird to be putting on the clothes of a person who had passed away so recently, but Jeonghan knew that there was a reason for it so he refrained from arguing. It wasn't even as if he didn't know why he had to wear them. He knew that he would end up having to go past the walls of their village and that it would be a huge struggle to do so, especially when he didn't look all that feminine, so wearing a Wife's uniform was surely going to make it that little bit easier on him. On top of that, there would be questions if he was a Handmaid leaving the village so late at night without an Aunt present. As soon as he was ready, Seungcheol handed over a new admission pass with his face on it. It was edited slightly to make his face look slightly more feminine so that he could fit the name on the system - the name of Seungcheol's late Wife - but it was still undeniably him.

The Commander took him through to the front door, where a large black car was already parked. "Seungkwan is waiting for you. You need to go to a very specific place a few miles away and I'll be with you in a few days. Seungkwan will tell you more about it when you get into the car. I just have some business to deal with before I get to you, okay?" Then there was a long pause. The slight tension told Jeonghan that Seungcheol wanted to add something, although he refrained from doing so until the Handmaid's hand touched the door. "Wait," he said, and promptly pulled Jeonghan back to kiss him on the mouth. The kiss was firm and desperate, as if he was expecting them to be apart for a painfully long time. "Please stay safe and keep your head down. I... I love you."

It felt weird to be hearing that phrase for the first time in years. Jeonghan's heart seized in his chest and his lips twitched into what was probably the goofiest smile he'd ever given. For a moment, he stood in complete silence, but then he soon managed to return the words with a slight squeak. With that, they shared one more little peck before the Handmaid started on his way out of the door. It was probably going to be a while before they would meet again, but it was probably for the best to leave quickly, he figured. He made his way straight into the backseat of the car, and then Seungkwan promptly turned to face him from the front seat. "Are you ready for this?" he asked, and then promptly turned back towards the road as he began to drive them out of the village.

Jeonghan could feel a lump starting to develop in his throat as they grew closer to the gate that would lead them to freedom. Seungkwan was quiet for the moment, as not to make things more difficult for him, but it just made it scarier for the Handmaid. He'd not left the village walls since he arrived at this placement, and he was certain that he would end up being hanged from a spike on the wall if the guards suspected that he wasn't who he said he was. When prompted, he passed the identification card over then glanced up at the guard from underneath his hat so that he would be able to see his face. The guard's eyes flashed between the card and the Handmaid a few times, and then he handed it back to him with a smile. They were promptly let through the gate, and as soon as they were free from the gaze of the guard, Jeonghan let out a deep sigh.

As a Handmaid, he'd never really needed to use any form of identification, but it was a completely different story when he was acting as a Wife. It was a relief that Seungcheol's Wife hadn't ever really left the village, Seungkwan told him, as it would have been a bit awkward if there was a male Handmaid pretending to be her under those circumstances. If the guards had any reason to suspect identity fraud, they reserved the right to arrest a person and contact local authorities. Thankfully, in this case, they probably wouldn't be able to do much about it if they did suspect fraud anyway, since Seungcheol removed all evidence of her appearance on the system, including fingerprints and measurements, just in case it led back to them at the checkpoints. All it said now was that he was married to her. That was all the authorities needed to know when they came to collect her body that morning, and Jeonghan would be long gone by that point.

"It seems painfully well-prepared," Jeonghan pointed out flatly. "It's almost as if he was waiting for her to die or something." He didn't really want to sound as if he was doubting the Commander, but it did all sound so convenient. He announced his pregnancy, he grew sleepy, he went to sleep, Seungcheol's Wife passed away, and suddenly Seungkwan was there to pick him up as soon as he was given the fake identification card that had been made in advance. The driver simply gave a hum of acknowledgement as he tried to figure out how to word it exactly.  
"Well, I wouldn't say that he was waiting for her to die, as such. But she was waiting for you to get pregnant so that she could, you know..." Jeonghan immediately felt a shiver run up his spine. He didn't even know how to approach responding to what Seungkwan told him. It didn't seem right at all that she would be waiting for him to get pregnant before she allowed herself to pass away, unless--

"Was it planned? Has this been planned all along? Did she intentionally die tonight?" He could see Seungkwan shifting uncomfortably in his seat in response. "Seungkwan, I don't know if I can do this anymore. I don't think I know enough about Seungcheol to be able to go through with this. There are so many unanswered questions and I don't know whether I can trust another man with my life like this. Not after my last marriage." There was a long pause between them, although Jeonghan couldn't really tell whether it was a thinking pause or an awkward one. He decided to stay quiet and find out this time, guessing that at some point, the driver would have to talk to him again.

"Look, I'm not going to tell you that you can't run away and leave him, but I really don't think it's a good idea. His Wife wanted to wait until she knew you could carry a child so she knew you'd be safe. There are specific loopholes that allow Handmaids to stay with Commanders if they're legally married and have children with them, and are found over three years after the Handmaid is announced to be missing. If you can't have children, you'll be punished severely. If you've got children, you're still doing your duty so you have the opportunity to appeal. No one has managed it yet, but the revolution is so close that I'm sure you're going to be just fine."

There were hundreds of questions on Jeonghan's mind. How were they suddenly that much closer to the revolution just a few months after he last saw Seungkwan? What did Seungcheol's late Wife have to do with that? Why couldn't they have just told him about the plan so that he could prepare himself in advance? There were so many flooding his mind that he couldn't even pick out a few that were most important to ask and in the end, they got to the drop-off point before he managed to get any more of them out into the open. It was a disappointment, to say the least; it felt as if he had a lot more questions now than he'd had when he first got into the car, but there was no way of getting them answered now. Seungkwan got out of the car to check that the area was clear before making his way over to the Handmaid's door, then opened it for him to get out.

"Now, you need to walk down this river until you find a small cabin. You'll be walking for about forty minutes, but it'll be worth it. You know it's the one because you'll walk in and see something that Seungcheol made you when you go inside. There's enough food to last you for three weeks, just in case Seungcheol takes a while longer to get to you, and there's an emergency phone there if you need it." He immediately bid Jeonghan farewell and took his leave, just so that they wouldn't stand out if someone was to notice the car. The car was out of sight after a minute or so, and the sound of the engine followed soon after.

For a moment, Jeonghan was stood in complete silence with his arms hanging loosely at his side and a neutral expression. It was probably the first time he'd had freedom in a long time, and he didn't really know how he felt about it. Part of him was considering running as far away as possible, with hopes that some kind stranger would help him if they thought he was a Wife, but another part knew that it was only sensible to go to the cabin. Even if he was to go there for just a few days, it would be able to help him with food and would give somewhere for him to sleep. That was what he cared about the most; the last thing he wanted was for his baby to suffer because he was too stubborn to do what he was asked to do.

So he started on his way down the river without giving himself all too long to overthink it.

There were a lot of different things for him to weigh up whilst he waited for Seungcheol to arrive at the cabin, and he supposed that having that little bit of space to himself would allow him to decide whether that was the future he wanted or not. It was like a repeat of his past life; he was walking through forests with a child's life in his hands, trying to find a safe place to settle. He was completely on edge as concerns for his life flooded his mind. He was supposed to be continuing a relationship with a guy who he thought he knew well, but the reality was that he probably knew nothing about Seungcheol. The limits of their affair meant that they only really had time to get to know each other whilst resting after sex, and that wasn't really the most ideal foundation on which to build a relationship on.

In fact, it was the main thing that scared Jeonghan. He'd already had a relationship in which he was expected to be a breeding mule, and he didn't really know Seungcheol well enough to determine whether he would only be interested in the children, too. He'd seen that Seungcheol was so open to having an affair whilst he was still married and that was usually a huge warning sign. Yet, there was something about his mannerisms and attitude; some gentleness and love in his eyes whenever they looked at each other. That was something he'd never seen in Hyunwoo's eyes. Hyunwoo had never made direct eye contact as he confessed his love, but Seungcheol had been so nervous that it would be impossible to fake.

And then there was the matter of their current situation. The Commander could have quite easily asked the Aunts for an ex-Handmaid to take as a Wife, and then he could have had biological children with them, whilst also raising Jeonghan's baby. There was nothing to say that he should take Jeonghan as his Wife - in fact, it was relatively unheard of for a Commander to marry one of his Handmaids as it was generally seen as evidence of them having had an affair with them during their placement. There was absolutely no reason for them to get married or raise a family together, but Seungcheol was absolutely insistent on showing Jeonghan a new world. That was tempting Jeonghan's belief that perhaps this would be genuine and he should trust what he'd been given.

The walk was relatively quiet, with very little to listen to, other than the soft sounds of each step and then flow of the river alongside him. There was a distinct lack of wildlife, even though they were far enough away from any cities for there to be at least a deer or something nearby. It made the walk particularly lonely and left him alone with his thoughts about everything that had suddenly changed in his life until he eventually saw the cabin in the distance.

To start with, he wasn't sure that he'd found the right place. He couldn't see the building all too well from how far he was away from it, but then the image gradually grew to be more certain as he grew closer to it. Frankly, it was like a blessing sent from whatever deity was watching them. For a while, he'd been considering turning away, but the sight of the cabin served as a reward for persisting. It was his own little safe place for a while; the place that he could immediately imagine raising his children in. It was the first time in a long time that he felt genuinely connected to a place, to the point where it actually felt as if he belonged there, and that was the greatest feeling in the world.

The cabin filled Jeonghan's heart with a feeling of nostalgia. As he grew closer, that feeling only grew to the point where the fondness eventually blossomed in his chest. It was like the one in which he spent the first few years of his adult life - similar in size and homely warmth - although this one was a lot less colourful in comparison. There were no flowers framing the outside of the building, and it generally blended into the background. Perhaps it was something that they could fix when it was safe to do so but for now, Jeonghan guessed that it was for their protection. He decided to make his way straight inside and then took a moment to look around his new environment.

Other than the bathroom, it had an open plan. There was a double bed in the corner of the room and a kitchen near to the door. The living room made up most of the house, since the rug and sofa were placed almost directly in the centre of the room. Strangely, though, it didn't feel cramped at all. Rather, it gave the place a bit of a bohemian air. It took him back to his earlier placements, as well as solidifying the thought that it was similar to the place where his children were born. Whilst he did have bad memories of everything that had happened with Hyunwoo there, the style still gave him a strange sense of safety.

Then his eyes drifted over to the television. There, paused on the screen, was an image of Seungcheol. He was wearing a white turtleneck jumper and was sat on the same sofa that was in front of Jeonghan. The Handmaid made his way over, took a seat, then promptly pressed the 'play' button on the screen. There was a familiar whirring sound as the old media player began to load, but then it eventually started to play.

"Jeonghan, my treasure. I was worried that maybe you would decide against spending our lives together when you were given the freedom to come here on your own but now, we're going to have a future together. I'm so excited to be able to raise our beautiful children together and love each other like husbands should, and I swear I'll be home to you as soon as it's safe to do so. You see, we're planning to overthrow the system today. It's a system based on cruelty and exploiting innocent young men and women, but we're from a generation who care for other people's rights. Now, I know I haven't opened up to you that much since we fell in love, but it was for the best at the time. I think it's only fair on you to tell you everything now, though, so I hope you're sitting comfortably."


	35. Finale

There were hundreds, maybe even thousands, of ways that the resistance could have gone wrong. They could've been caught before their plan could go ahead. They could've ended up being betrayed by someone who had a better offer. They could've thrust themselves towards a well-prepared government who would use them as examples of what not to do. It could have quite easily resulted in the deaths of all of the Commanders and Wives and drivers who were involved. Jeonghan made sure to watch the news as often as possible, just in case there was a sign that his luck had come to an end. He scoured every crowd for a familiar face, but there were none. The longer it went on, the more anxious he grew, and the more anxious he grew, the longer it felt as if the war was dragging.

Of course, he should've expected that Seungcheol was going to be late in getting to him. He should've known that "a few days" was a bit ambitious for a target, and that it would take a lot longer for them to be reunited. Nevertheless, he found himself waiting up every night, right from the first night that he got there, in hopes that he would turn up at the door. There was also the added fear that the door didn't have a lock, so there was always the chance that some government official would end up at his door, ready to take him away. His punishment for running would be a beating on his legs or arms at the very least, but could extend to being burnt or having all of his hair pulled out in clumps. Every night brought him a mixed sense of relief and disappointment that he couldn't have possibly imagined until he was in that situation. Yet, he continued to hope for some good fortune and some sign of Seungcheol's safety. Even a glimpse of him would do.

It wasn't long before he could feel the stir starting to take over him. There was only so much isolation that one individual could take. Jeonghan's willpower was quickly starting to fade as time went on, to the point where he considered leaving. He considered punishing himself how the Aunts would surely punish him, and he wanted more than anything to just scream until his throat felt raw, just so that he was able to feel something. It only took four days for him to get to that point, despite the fact that he had the television to keep him company. What he really wanted, whilst Seungcheol wasn't with him, was a pet. It was something he'd decided on a whim, and he'd tried to tempt a deer into the house so that he would be able to have something to keep him company, but it obviously didn't work in the slightest. Next, he tried a weasel, then a heron, and finally decided that a fish would be the best option. After three hours, he'd still not caught one, though, and the rumble of distant engines led him straight back indoors before he could complete his mission.

As much as he wanted interaction, he wasn't prepared to risk everything for it. He was certain that he wouldn't have the best fate if he did end up being caught like that; he would probably be taken away and forced to deliver the baby before being killed for his attempts at leaving. That was, if they didn't kill him right away, in order to get the last laugh during the revolution. Jeonghan imagined that the Aunts and Guardians were well aware of his affair with Seungcheol by that point, since he'd escaped so soon after his pregnancy announcement, so he would probably end up being used to destroy the morals of the revolutionists who knew him. No, nothing was worth it if that was his fate. Jeonghan tucked himself up in bed for a while with the bedsheets pulled up to his chin, just so that he would be able to hide quickly if the sound of the engines grew louder, but thankfully that didn't happen and he was granted safety once again.

Days turned to weeks before Jeonghan heard from Seungcheol again. In fact, by that point, he was in the middle of a war with himself. There were so many feelings running through his body - hurt, anger, disgust, to name a few - and he knew right away that he needed to give a piece of his mind when they met again. Jeonghan waited patiently for that day, knowing full well that he'd have the chance to blow up when he saw his lover again. The desire to do so was what ultimately kept him going up until that point. Then eventually, there was a gentle knock on the front door, followed by the click of it opening. Jeonghan jumped, having not expected that they would come together again like that, but he was more relieved than anything that the person at the door was Seungcheol and no one else. He let out a long breath, although he tried to keep it as quiet as possible in order to refrain from showing off his relief to his lover.

The smile that greeted him when he turned around was weak but warm. For a moment, he just stood in the doorway with his hand resting on the frame as he took in the sight of Jeonghan sat there, but then he soon started to make his way into the cabin. Seungcheol had a slight limp once he no longer had the support of the doorframe to keep him steady, and he promptly apologised for taking so long to get back to him to distract Jeonghan's attention away from his difficulties with walking. It had been a rough month, he told him, and he hadn't expected that it'd end up how it had. He'd been prepared to die, since the government officials had all been prepared for the attack, but then their willpower got them all through. The other men had fought back harder than anyone could have imagined - either out of fear of death, or fear of destroying their family - and so they ended up pulling through. They only lost one guy who had ultimately taken his life, but they'd somehow managed to pull new people into their scheme; some doctors, ex-lawyers, other Commanders, and any Handmaid who managed to escape. They'd even managed to reunite some couples from the past once they'd taken down the government, including Seungkwan and Hansol, so it had worked out in many ways by the time they were done.

He seemed so happy when he walked into the room, as if he hadn't left his pregnant lover in a cabin on his own for around a month. Sure, it was good that they'd won and lost partners had found each other again, but it seemed a bit inconsiderate for him to be talking about that sort of thing when he'd not even sent someone to check up on Jeonghan during his absence. Jeonghan wanted to be mad at him. He wanted to thump his fists on Seungcheol's chest and tell him that he was worried sick about him; that he was going to give it just a few more days before he left, out of fear that Seungcheol had been killed and that someone would come to the cabin to take him away. He wanted to demand that Seungcheol sleep on the sofa for a few days until he'd forgiven him, and for him to do everything to earn his forgiveness in that time. He wanted the burning of anger in the pit of his gut again, as it had been for the past few days. But Jeonghan stood and made his way over, and the closer he got, the harder it got for any of that to come into play. His mouth stayed glued shut and his arms felt mechanical as he tries to raise them to touch his lover's cheek.

There was no way that he could hit him when they were stood face to face. The disappointment and hurt drained away relatively quickly as he noticed the changes to Seungcheol's face; ones that he hadn't really noticed until they were right next to each other. He reached out to touch his lover; starting out on his throat, which was covered in stubbly, unshaven hair, then gradually upwards from there. The touches were always velvet on the skin that Jeonghan was so familiar with. He had a strange fear that Seungcheol would break under his hands if he was too rough with him. He slowly moved his fingers over the fresh bumps of the new scar that was forming on Seungcheol's face. It felt stretched underneath his fingertips, but also felt much smoother than the rest of his face. That raised line from the corner of his mouth to his temple was baby soft, whereas the rest of his face had maintained its masculine roughness. Compared to the warm beige undertones of his skin, the redness of the scar stuck out significantly, and Jeonghan could barely pull his eyes away from it to look at the dull, glassy eye in the centre of the blemish.

"What happened?" he asked quietly. He could tell that there was a hint of concern in his voice; Seungcheol caught on to it too and promptly put on a smile again.  
"I was careless and got cut. A doctor had to sneak me out of there briefly and remove my eye. We couldn't risk it getting infected so I got a fake one instead." Seungcheol paused for a moment before letting out a thoughtful hum, "Considering that we had limited anaesthetic, two false eyes left in the old part of the hospital, and he even managed to weld it to my muscles so that it moves with my other eye, I think it's turned out rather well."

"They had to weld it to your muscles?" Jeonghan echoed as he focused his attention entirely on the eye that replaced the beautiful carob orb that he'd come to love over their time together. Seungcheol blinked as he nodded; his eyelid closed over it just as easily as it did when it was real. It would be a lie to say that it was perfect. This eye had a fixed pupil and didn't match the colour of his other eye well. Jeonghan figured that there would be no way to make it perfect, seeing as he had a choice of only two eyes, but it was still a disappointment. It didn't leave Seungcheol incomplete or anything like that but rather, Jeonghan had always loved his eyes and couldn't stand the thought that one was gone. The new one simply seemed like an imposter in its place; a superficial eye with no loving core or depth that the old one provided with every glance they exchanged.

It was something that he got used to, though. It was obviously going to take a bit of time, especially when he forgot about Seungcheol's blind spot and touched him without warning. He would immediately feel bad when he noticed him flinching or jumping in response to the touches, but his lover always made sure to comfort him whenever it happened. It was a reflex, he said, and he was trying his hardest to stop it from happening again in the future. He loved Jeonghan and so he was going to try his hardest to relax when they were together. The war was over, they were safe, and there was absolutely no reason to be scared anymore. By the time their first baby was born - a son named Jisoo, after the Handmaid who had made life bearable for Jeonghan - they were both used to the adjustments that they had to make in order to live a comfortable, fulfilling life together.

They got what they wanted in the end. After a year together, they married in a proper hall with a number of witnesses, just to prove that it was a genuine wedding this time. That was probably Jeonghan's biggest fear, and so he was absolutely relieved when his husband allowed him the pleasure of a more open, public wedding this time. Seungcheol got the six children that he'd always wanted, although not all by the time he hit thirty-five, and Jeonghan was more than happy to provide him with every single one of them. They moved back to the city with their children once the conflict had died down and the laws permitting forced pregnancies and reduced rights had been abolished by the new government who had taken over. Their house was absolutely perfect; a restored hanbok on the outskirts of the new Seoul, with a decent-sized garden and enough space for them to be able to raise their family in a more traditional manner. They had no desire to continue with the Westernised houses, in which the Commanders and Wives had once resided during the period of American influence.

For the first time in his life, Jeonghan was allowed to choose the flowers that brightened up their house. He decided on stargazer lilies for the inside of the house, with lines of hyssops around the outside of the house. It made sure that each room was filled with both a wonderful smell and a spark of colour. Whilst furniture was relatively limited at that point in time, and most of what they could get for their house was plain and neutral, the flowers in each room turned the house into a home, and succeeded in making them all comfortable until they were able to introduce blues and reds and purples to their house. That was something that Seungcheol and Jeonghan had decided between them early on; as much as neutral furniture made the house look professional, it was something that reminded them of past times and was something that needed to be avoided as much as possible.

As time went on, they were even able to celebrate the medical advancements that came alongside the newly-returned body autonomy. As soon as their last child had been born, Jeonghan was taken straight to the hospital to get the womb removed from his body. It was the final part of the oppressive system that had almost forced him to give up, and he was relieved when it was finally gone. The side effects were absolutely worth it when he knew that he wasn't going to have to carry any children again in the future. In fact, there was nothing that Jeonghan loved more. He and Seungcheol were able to love each other with a new sense of passion when Jeonghan was finally comfortable in his body again. As much as he'd presented as masculine on the outside for as long as Seungcheol had known him - for as long as he'd been alive, for that matter - there was something novel about getting to experience love without a womb.

It was empowering, to say the least. He felt like a real man again, just how it was illustrated in the books he'd read about past times. Just how he imagined the Commanders and some of the Wives had felt. He supposed that having the additional organs was good in some ways, especially when it came to having his own biological children with a person he loved and providing families for good people who couldn't have them, but it just wasn't something that he wanted permanently. In addition, it just proved to their children that he had the opportunity to rewrite the future that had been prescribed to him by people who were desperate for control. If he could do that, as a man of thirty-five, they would certainly be able to follow similarly if their lives weren't going in the desired direction.

That was something he'd told his old Wives and Commanders, too. It was a lesson that he wanted all of his children to know, whether they knew that they were born of a Handmaid or not. They had the chance to change their own lives if they desired to do so, and no one was allowed to tell them that they couldn't be their ideal self. Life was too short for them to merely accept someone else's ideas of how they should be.

As much as his life had started out tough, with pain and deception and an unbearable amount of self-hatred, Jeonghan soon got to the point where he was able to consider the worthiness of his entire existence. He'd produced thirteen children in his life; thirteen beautiful children who grew up wonderful and healthy. Thirteen children with so many different personalities and aspirations. From Myungseok, who was hoping to become a doctor when he finished university, to Eutteum, who was convinced that he would become a poet, to Hyein - his second daughter with Seungcheol - who wanted to teach engineering; they were all so different and unique. That was the most rewarding part for him. They were all so perfect in his eyes, regardless of their interests, hobbies, future career paths, and their life experiences so far.

Finally - and certainly - Jeonghan was free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's quite sad to know that this fic is over now, but I think it was the right place to end it in. Plus there's a bit of negativity but not too much - I don't think it would be possible to hurt them some more after everything that's gone down so far
> 
> Thank you for staying with me through this!! <3


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